|
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 34
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 34 |
I just found out about my H's A 4 weeks ago. He moved out after 15 years together and 8 years married. After 1 week he called to move home but I refused. I suspected OW because we didn't have any substantial marital conflict (or so I thought) I went to OB for check up and was positive for STD. H swears A is over and begs for reconciliation. How do you know what to do? I can't get over the betrayal and the thoughts of them together play over and over in my mind. My DD cries every night for her Daddy. I am seeking counseling for myself but don't know if I want to reconcile with such a liar and cheat. Any Advice from someone who's been here?
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 8
Junior Member
|
Junior Member
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 8 |
<small>[ November 14, 2002, 03:32 PM: Message edited by: Deepdownlove ]</small>
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 1,516
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 1,516 |
My advice is to make no life changing decisions yet. You've just started on the rollercoaster of betrayal and it is a confusing ride along with a painful one. Stay in couseling and when you're ready make whatever decisions you need to make when you decide the time is right for YOU!
None of us KNEW what to do. We believe what we want to do (which may change) and then act on it. I believed I wanted my marriage to continue...I now KNOW this was the right choice for H and myself. Someone else may believe the right choice for them is to move on without the betrayer in their lives...some discover this is the right choice for them, some discover it isn't and will then begin trying to reclaim the marriage.
We do the best we can. The future is unknown. Stay or go...on your time schedule. Good Luck!
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 41
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 41 |
Do you still love your H? Its a big question. I asked it of myself when I found out about my H affair. I really had to dig deep & ask myself if I should try to give us a 2nd chance. Every one makes mistakes (some larger than others) & sometimes it takes a big mistake to realise what you've got to loose. At least hear him out & see what he has to offer & maybe he has realised what life might be like with out you. My husbands A finished in April this year so I am still in recovery but slowly getting my life back in the direction I want. I have told my husband that at this point I am willing to give us a 2nd try & if things don't work out for us at least I will know that I gave it a try & never reget what might of even been a mistake for me to jugde too quickly & never give him a 2nd change. (Mind you there ain't any more chances after this) ha ha GOOD LUCK
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 87
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 87 |
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cherie: <strong>Do you still love your H? Its a big question. I asked it of myself when I found out about my H affair. I really had to dig deep & ask myself if I should try to give us a 2nd chance. Every one makes mistakes (some larger than others) & sometimes it takes a big mistake to realise what you've got to loose. At least hear him out & see what he has to offer & maybe he has realised what life might be like with out you. My husbands A finished in April this year so I am still in recovery but slowly getting my life back in the direction I want. I have told my husband that at this point I am willing to give us a 2nd try & if things don't work out for us at least I will know that I gave it a try & never reget what might of even been a mistake for me to jugde too quickly & never give him a 2nd change. (Mind you there ain't any more chances after this) ha ha GOOD LUCK</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 87
Member
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 87 |
I found out about my husbands affair in July. I had now idea how stupid is that? We had been married for 32 years. He wants to stay so he says but I can't forget the betrayal. Thoughts go round my head all the time. I can't sleep.I feel inadequate and a fool. Anyone got any ideas how to cope?
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 11
Junior Member
|
Junior Member
Joined: Nov 2002
Posts: 11 |
No one can decide to stay or go, invest in another try or not BUT you. I would want to know why he chose to put his families life in jepardy by not practicing safe sex. What if you had contracted HIV or she had gotten pregnant? He has a lot to atone for. In the infamous words of Dr. Phil "do not invest more than you can afford to lose". I am a women who has survived infidelity but I am also a nurse, so I think of health issues quite readily. He needs to be reminded of consequences.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 34
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 34 |
Hi guys, Thanks for all replies. Robyn, I couldn't agree more. I know that it is devastating for anyone to find out about EMA, but to know that H gave me a disease (luckily curable) but another 6 months before totally sure HIV negative. This has the potential to orphan our daughter. Another thing, about the STD, he still maintains he wore condom and contracted and spread this through oral sex. I asked my OB and he said "No way" so he is STILL being untruthful while he begs and pleads to return home. It is so hard to find out that my H of 8 years and best friend, can lie to me without any qualms. He came over a few days before my test results and held my hand, gazed into my eyes and denied any involvement with OW. (My whole story in general questions called Round and Round)I read all these posts about rebuilding and trust and somehow I just don't see it happening with us. I am trying to get a more positive outlook however it is hard. My question is should I agree to counseling with him? Someone who is willing to risk my life for a few minutes of pleasure?
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 967
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 967 |
About the stds, there are 6 that can be spread through oral sex alone. I did a lot of reading on this when I found out about my H's affair.
I'm sorry for your pain. I have been there, and it does get better. Counseling does wonders, don't try it alone. I agree that you shouldn't make any drastic decisions right now. A separation can help. Don't think divorce is an easy answer, it's not. Especially when there are children involved.
My H and I were apart for 9 mos and this really helped. I won't lie and say that the pain goes away, I'm still sad about his affair every day.
But I am glad we worked it out and stayed together. We have a beautiful new baby as our reward.
I wish you peace and healing. The book Torn Asunder is very helpful, as is the article "Shattered Vows" at findarticles.com
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 2
Junior Member
|
Junior Member
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 2 |
Clem:
If you read my posting you will see we are sharing almost the same betrayal and pain. I manage up to now, it helps he is, in spite of everything such a wonderful person. I have loved him all my life, desired only him. But it is maddening, it makes you want to die, feel lost, inadecuated and I trusted him so much that I lost my balance for a while. I survived and we are working on it. It is still fresh, I remember everyday and wonder how is she(29 years)how he made love to her etc. We never stop living together,we had all the fights we never had, I spoke and said all I never said before. Gave him ONE chance I told him I will try not to talk about it, so he can heal as well. After so many happy years together I think it is fair to give him this chance, but this is us, your reality may be different than mine. He tells me every other day he loves me, how guilty he feels,and how the rest of his life he will feel like a scumbag for what he has done to me and our marriage. Makes me feel better but I am also sad to discover he is weaker than I thought.
Advise:
Follow your hart but do not forget to think,do not share it with your children. Read through all Dr Harleys books and MB site. This group is wonderful. And if you can not cope alone go to Counselling even if he does not.
Married 31 Known him for 40 years I am 54 him 55
Pedushka
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,166
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,166 |
Robyn: As a nurse, you should know that "safe sex" is not safe, and there are two STD's for which condom use is 0% protection - Herpes and HPV. Furthermore, more women die every year in the US from the consequences of HPV infections (cervical cancer) than AIDS. And, there is a 15% failure rate for condom usage to prevent the transmission of HIV. Those figures are from the CDC. How can we even begin to think about using a term like "safe sex" as a synonym for using a condom???
Why is the average american, not to mention a lot of sex education instructors, so ignorant? Grrrrr.... this subject fries me. <small>[ November 07, 2002, 12:37 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>
|
|
|
0 members (),
725
guests, and
68
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,624
Posts2,323,518
Members72,026
|
Most Online6,102 Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|