Wife cheated after 4 years of marriage with a man from another county she met on the interenet 7 months ago, she slept with him for 2 weeks. I asked her back and she is home now. She says she cant believe she did it and says she was like a different person.

I cant stop thinking about how she could lie and sleep with a stranger while being married to me. I dont care if i wasnt meeting her emotional needs at the time.

She cries alot and says sorry. I will never believe it was my lack of attention or emotional support that made her do it like so many people here believe. I make her life miserable by making her feel like a slut when i think of what she did to me while also making her love me more then ever when i dont think of her cheating on me. She and every cheating man or woman knows what they are doing. I think a non-cheating spouse has every right to make their cheating spouse feel as low as possible for the duration of the spouses life. So far I am happy and thats what counts. When i feel bad about what she has done to me she feels it as well.

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 03:31 PM: Message edited by: Deepdownlove ]</small>

Bog,

I think you missed the point here. What is known is that if needs are not met then the "atmosphere" is such that a spouse may be susceptive to having an affair.

THe affair was HER decision and frankly you lack of meeting her needs DID NOT MAKE her have the affair. However, if someone is unhappy they often do look to other people to relieve that unhappiness.

Which brings me to the last part of your post. Making your W unhappy and beating her down about this will do just what you want: make her unhappy. Now she may not cheat again, but the odds are high she will leave you. She will take some action to relieve the pain.

So you have some choices to make.

1. You can divorce her. You are justified even biblically you are justified.

2. You can continue on the path you are on and the odds are high that your marriage will be miserable as long as it lasts and it may not last that long. You already know you are not the only fish in the sea.

3. You can work through your anger, you can come to understand what will make you AND your W happy and you could have a very good marriage. But, this path in many ways is the hardest for both of you. Because frankly if you woke up tomorrow and decided that you loved your W more than anything, and that you were going to forgive and forget everything (one never forgets by the way), and that you treated her like a queen, you marriage still might not be saved. Why? If you treated her that well her guilt would just about kill her, and often it is the guilt of the wayward spouse (WS), that stalls recovery.

So have I painted a rosy picture for you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Well, it is better than you think. I would strongly recommend that you get too books and read them. Even if you decide to kick her to the curb, these books will help you for the future. ONe is His Needs Her Needs and the other is Surviving an Affair, both by Harley. There are also other books out there but these two I know have the information you need.

So to me step one is to decide if you want to remain married to her. I have no opinion on that one way or another.

Step two only comes if you have decided that you want to remain married to her. If you do, then I do have an opinion. Despite all of your anger and pain, do some reading and see if you can rebuild your marriage to something BOTH of you will cherish.

By the way, fidelity is not the only vow you two took when you got married so do a little self examination. It will help you more than you think.

Good luck and God Bless,

JL

<small>[ October 31, 2002, 07:08 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Bog...hmmm interest post style you have here!

Ok, I agree with your assessment of EN being met or not...an affair is NEVER the option. Rather you met them or not, she had NO right to betray.

HOWEVER...looking at issues that were involved in the marriage is good. It's NOT accepting any blame for what a WS does, but it is about trying to make a better marriage. Something we all need to look at during a marriage/relationship even when things are going great. This is why the EN section is so important...it's about rebuilding a BETTER marriage, it's NOT about placing the blame of an affair on the BS.

If your goal is to make your W miserable for the rest of her life...then that is your choice and her's if she continues with you. But I wouldn't call it a marriage any longer. jmho

If you are gloating in the sorrow and pain of someone you love...don't know if you do love her, you didn't say...then your relationship/marriage is not a healthy one for either of you. jmho

Why stay in a legally binding relationship if you only want your partner to suffer? Because, she won't be suffering alone...you too will suffer and neither of you will find true happiness. You're whole post is just so sad! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Seek guidence for YOURSELF.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think a non-cheating spouse has every right to make their cheating spouse feel as low as possible for the duration of the spouses life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And this would make you happy, to intentionally make your spouse (the person that you supposedly love, the person you are supposed to put before everyone else in your life) feel as low as possible for the duration of their life?

I find that VERY hard to believe.

I am guessing that you are early on in recovering from your wife's infidelity, and this is why you are still so angry. Did I guess right?

JB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bog:
<strong>So far I am happy and thats what counts. When i feel bad about what she has done to me she feels it as well.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't take this the wrong way, but this statement sounds like it came from a selfish person. It is not my intention to insult you.

You are not to blame for her A. It was HER choice, albeit a bad one, and one of the reasons she did it and why it went on for two weeks was because of her selfishness.

It is OK to feel angry, just be careful how you act on that anger, you may hurt the one you love the most or even yourself.

Be well.

I cant stop thinking about how she could lie and sleep with a stranger while being married to me. I don't care if I wasnt meeting her emotional needs at the time.
Bog,
Did you ever stop to think that this way of thinking is the reason she looked elsewhere. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Because you weren't meeting her needs. It doesn't justify what she did or why, but it is certainly understandable if she is feeling like YOU DON'T CARE. Maybe she felt, well if he doesn't care then I don't either. Is it ok for you not to care but not her? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I'm not judging you, I'm just trying to help you understand how the WS thinks sometimes. I'm the BS so I know exactly how you feel saying "I cant stop thinking about how she could lie and sleep with a stranger while being married to me" I felt the same way but making her feel bad for the rest of her life is hardly the answer to this. Have you ever made a bad decision or bad choice and then felt remorse (as you have stated that your wife has) and asked GOD for forgiveness. How would you feel if you came away feeling like GOD said NO, I'm not going to forgive you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> The Bible states that if you are truly remorseful and repent GOD will forgive you. However, it also states in the LORDS PRAYER to "forgive us our trespasses as we FORGIVE THOSE who trespass against us" If we can't find it in our hearts to forgive others, then the Bible says that GOD will not forgive us. Bog, I also had a very hard time with forgiveness. My H had 3 A's. One EA, one PA with just kissing and a lot of flirting and one full blown PA that lasted for 15mos. Talk about feeling like a fool. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> However the anger and pain and were eating me alive and I was miserable all the time. After two breakdowns, and I mean REAL BREAKDOWNS I finally got into therapy and also started being positive and reading a lot of self help books. One that I found that was extremely healing and helpful for me was "The Choosing to Forgive workbook" It saved my life and my marriage. It helps you to discover contentment and peace by letting go of harmful anger. Forgiveness is NOT for your W or my H. Its for YOU! They have to deal with what they did for the rest of their lives. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> WE are not the ones to forgive anyway, that is up to GOD, we just have to either accept what happened or move on it all boils down to that. But let me say this, letting go of the anger frees you to be happy again and have the love you really desire. We are now in recovery almost 2 1/2 years and our marriage is stronger and better than ever. It's not easy letting go. I know when I wanted to I then felt like I was saying "Oh honey, its ok you had the affair, I forgive you" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I'm sure thats what you're feeling right, you feel like if you forgive, you are condoning what happened but thats not it at all. She knows how badly she screwed up, and believe me, she's beating herself up enough for the two of you. Please try to find it in your heart to forgive her. It will help you to heal.
Good luck and God Bless.

Richardheming,

It has been reported that your language is considered too strong for several of our members.

Please "edit" your post to remove the offensive langage. If it is not cleaned up within a day, this thread will have to be deleted.

Please review the guidelines for members using the forum.

It is perfectly fine to vent your frustrations, but a minimum of decorum is requested.

OneGoing.
Moderator.

As some one that just found out I can really sympathize with you, I really can. All I hear about is that a spouse chooses to cheat to fill some emotional lacking. And in my case I admit it, I was not there for her like I should have been. Filling emotional needs is one thing but I feel the the decission to take off her clothes for him and sleep with him is the next step she could take, which I feel has nothing to do with emotional need. I don't care what I read!!!! They have more of a choice not to sleep with them than they feel they had to get involved with an emotional affair... Tell me how it works out because I am struggling to deal with the same thing. We are trying to rebuild the marriage but I can't stop thinking of her as a whore..

When looking at both of these posts... Bogs and heart of's...it brings to mind perhaps the need to look at the different views males and females have about sex...

This post contains a lot of prefaces and some pretty broad generalizations and I realize that...it is hope to explore this whole topic in a discourse...and what I say certainly does not apply to every individual case...

BUT..
There have been thousands of discussions on these boards about these very differences...

Some common differences that occur can be..
A man whose spouse cheats often feels the betrayal to his very soul when he looks at physical acts that occurred with the WS/OM...that the act in and of itself becomes the largest stumbling block...

A woman whose spouse cheats often feels the betrayal in her very soul when she looks at the emotional acts that occurs with the WS/OW...that the emotions and attention spent on the OW is the largest stumbling block....

Often a betrayed woman feels that they would rather be betrayed with "just" the acts of "sex" than learning that their husbands put any emotional investment towards the OW...

While a betrayed man may feel less connection to their wives emotional attentions to the OM and have great difficulty with the physical aspect...

there has been great discussion on how some women need a lot of emotional needs met to feel anywhere near close to being physical with someone...
while some men feel very connected to someone in a physical act or expression....

Looking closely at what needs where met through the eyes of the wayward spouse...often helps the BS understand how it occurs....

None of this is to excuse or justify an affair...none of it...

Bog there is no more fairness in wanting to make someone feel as low as possible for the duration of the spouses life...than there is fairness in infidelity...

"So far I am happy and thats what counts." While this is hopefully a vent...it is an empty threat...for no one will ever gain true happiness in choosing to actively pursue the destruction of another human regardless of what hurt has come your way...

Heart of lions...look carefully and seek understanding of your wifes actions...you easily seperate the emotional connection towards another man...and place the physical acts on a seperate plain...when in reality they may not be that much of chasm in your wifes mind of the two....a whore invests nothing emotional at all in her "acts"...it has no meaning.... To find understanding you may need to look at her emotional investment...for it may come to be that the sex part was the "easy' part in all of this...and her emotional expense is what needs to be looked at for you both to heal...

You are hurt and you have come to a place that can give you the tools to heal...it takes willingness and active participants....and sometimes humility...
Life is not fair...people are accountable for their actions...but so are each of us...and if you truly decide that you can not forgive...(a long long process)...then so be it...
But many have survived this...and many have built marriages that some only wish for and dream about...
peace to all
ARK

Bog

Try and let your anger subside. I have got angry many times during my WS's A. Many times I had to go for a run or a long walk to burn off the adrenaline. I guess if I hadn't I would have vented my anger at WS. You will find that reading the articles on this site will help as they explain what is going on in the WS's mind.
You will only hurt yourself by hurting your WS more. She is suffering enough, please try and forgive her.

NS

Just Learning

I have read lots and lots of articles on this site but still learn something each day. Your statement that the WS's remorse at what they have done makes recovery very difficult does not surprise me. It does worry me however. My WS expresses remorse at times.(I am trying to follow Plan A but will need to go to Plan B soon as she says she cannot give up OM). What can I do to help her through these feelings of guilt?

NS

<small>[ November 05, 2002, 04:39 PM: Message edited by: Newsunrise ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by utterlyconfused:
<strong>[QUOTE]Originally posted by Bog:
[qb]So far I am happy and thats what counts. When i feel bad about what she has done to me she feels it as well.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The main problem is i did show her attention and affection and thought only of her happyness. My wifes reasons were she wanted to see what is was like being with another man being she was a virgin. Also he seemed nice on the internet so she wanted to go se him and stay with him for 2 weeks, first night she was there she slept with him and later after i found out she sent him a leeter explaining she was married and loved him and wanted to have his baby.

She now says she cant believe she could do such a thing and crys only when i bring it up.

I now know MY happyness is what counts. We had a good relationship emotionally etc., sex was better then what she had with the other man, she never even had an orgasim with him and sex lasted under 5 minutes with the other man. She said he kissed good and that made her happy and she could tell he really cared about her.
This man has had girlfriends i found out and had partisipated in having his children aborted. My wife knew this and said one of her reasons she wanted him is because he said he loves children and he would make a great father. She didnt weven use protection when she slept with him. I have spent thousands of dollars trying to get her preganant but she has female problems, even when we couldnt afford it. Reading her email to him before she met him she stated that she wants so much to be a wife(he didnt know she was married).

The only time i ever wasnt with my wife was when i went to work, not one day went by that we werent playing,laughing and planning our future. This is why i dont mind treating her poorly now. I am not vain but this other man has a poor body and is very unattractive, i have never had any problems with finding women, i have never had to look and try to get women. I guess she wants an open relationship marriage, she will get it now, i have had many oppotunities to sleep with other women but never was interested and still am not. I am having to force myself into doing what i am going to do. Im not going to tell her until she finds out(this is the way i found out). My wife says shes sorry, she will be in the end.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heart_of_lions:
<strong> We are trying to rebuild the marriage but I can't stop thinking of her as a whore..</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your wife is a whore, theres nothing that can change that. If she was married and sleeps with another man and wants to be with him there is only ONE way she can be "a whore". If you are like me you can never see her other then a whore. The only solution is to be a whore yourself. I have think about her sleeping with her lover every day and almost every hour. One thing i know for 100% possitive, she did NOT like the sex with her lover and was so releaved she had her period half way through the 2 weeks she was with him. She said she almost had an orgasim one time but he was cumming in her in under 5 minutes so she never had an orgasim. I do not like the idea of sombody cumming in my wife and i wont ever be able to forget that. DO yourself a favor and treat her like she has treated you with "ZERO" respect. If that doesnt make you happy then find another women and have an affair,
that will let her know what you have to deal with ever hour and every day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Newsunrise:
<strong>Bog

Try and let your anger subside. I have got angry many times during my WS's A. Many times I had to go for a run or a long walk to burn off the adrenaline. I guess if I hadn't I would have vented my anger at WS. You will find that reading the articles on this site will help as they explain what is going on in the WS's mind.
You will only hurt yourself by hurting your WS more. She is suffering enough, please try and forgive her.

NS

Just Learning

I have read lots and lots of articles on this site but still learn something each day. Your statement that the WS's remorse at what they have done makes recovery very difficult does not surprise me. It does worry me however. My WS expresses remorse at times.(I am trying to follow Plan A but will need to go to Plan B soon as she says she cannot give up OM). What can I do to help her through these feelings of guilt?

NS</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Newsunrise:
<strong>Bog

Try and let your anger subside. I have got angry many times during my WS's A. Many times I had to go for a run or a long walk to burn off the adrenaline. I guess if I hadn't I would have vented my anger at WS.
NS</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have been trying, i have run until i fall on the ground, i constantly hit things and break whatever is near me, i am not a weak out of shape guy. I hit the walls, i hit glass, i hit anything almost hit strangers when they walk next to me when i have bad thoughts. I tried drinking every night NOTHING makes me forget. WTF am i suppose to do? Talking about it maKES ME THINK ABOUT IT.
i need somthing that cant be given. My oath to my wife is forever i cant leave her even when she dies i will always be there. So how can i brush off what she had done to me, because her emotional needs werent met?

Bog

If you feel this way....why can't you get a divorce and seek out some happiness....some real happiness? Why is it of such interest to continue this painful cycle? What do your gain? What do you lose?

Sure, you can go out and cheat. That's the easy part. It's not hard. Doesn't make you any better then anyone else that cheats, just because you're doing it for revenge.

It won't change the past, it will change the future. It will change YOU. It will cheapen your values. It will nibble at the edges of your soul. It will destroy the man you were.

What about the OW who you are planning on bringing into this situation? Any thoughts for her? Do you care if you bring pain, sorrow and confusion into her life? And all for "pay back"?

Going to "fall in love" with this OW? Going to allow her to "fall in love" with you? Then what? Going to continue hiding in the shadows? Going to continue with the lies, misdirection, evasions, and deceipt?

Revenge may be sweet...but it sure does leave a nasty taste in the mouth after you've swallowed. And you may find it hard to stomach. jmho

Bog remember the old saying 'be careful what you wish, for you just might get it'.

If you read my story, you will see that the best revenge against my xWW was when me and our daughters moved on with our lives without her.

I understand your bitterness towards your WW because I experienced it multiple times during my M to my xWW. But bitterness will only poison your soul and destroy any future relationship with another woman. I am at the present engaged to a wonderfull woman who is healthy in all aspects of the word, but do you think I would be this lucky if I had held on to my bitterness? Definetely not.

So please, consider carefully the poisoning of your life and others lives by continuing to embrace your bitterness.

Bog,

THere is a saying that you need to consider:

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

You need to sort somethings out. Even Harley states if his W had an A now he would divorce her. His children are grown and indeed counsel here. But, your marriage is young, you have no children, and you even have the biblical right to divorce. If you cannot forgive her, and this is eating you up, then file for divorce and move on. No one will fault you for doing this.

But, going out and having an affair of your own, won't help. As someone has already posted it will hurt the person you are having the affair with, it will hurt your W, but most of all it will hurt you in ways you cannot see. It will cheapen you, it will make you no better than your W, but actually worse (you intended to hurt her badly and used someone else to do it), and finally it DOES NOT ADDRESS THE ISSUES.

I personally think that you need to give it more time, but if you can only focus on what you have lost then perhaps you should simply file and move on.

It will take 6 months to a year to get to a point of comfort. It will take your W providing much better reasons than she simply wanted to see what another man was like. It seems to me she has deep issues about her ability to conceive and these need to be addressed. I suspect she is blame shifting here if it is HER problem with the child bearing issue. She wants to see if another man can make it happen.

Bog, there are many issues here and they need to be dealt with before you make a decision to go or stay. So quit focusing on what she did right now and focus on whether or not this is a woman you want to be married to. And DON'T GIVE ME THE BUT I LOVE HER BS. You need to decide if the issues both of you have can be worked out in a fashion that the love you have can grow or will it die.

You don't know that yet, so your current feelings are really not relavent to making this decision. Back off, look at the facts, look at the issues you both have, and go to work on them, THEN decide if your love is going to have a chance.

That in an odd way is what Plan A and Plan B is about. Plan A is for you to address your issues and see where you are in all of this. If you want to continue and while doing this meet your spouses needs to see what may transpire. Plan B is not relavent apparently because she has ceased contact with OM, but it might help to understand why you need to protect your love until decisions are made.

Coffeeman offers you some good insight and I hope his story will help focus you. If your W has issues that you cannot address or don't want to address, then work on healing yourself and move on. There are other fish in the sea.

Must go, I apologize if this sounds harsh, but your thoughts of revenge bother me, because they will end up hurting you more than her. Further, they are so counter productive no matter what you decide to do. They are simply mental masturbation and a waste of good brain cells.

You have better things to do and more important things.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL