I am new here.

I found out about my A about a month ago. At first I told him that the M is over. A week later I changed my mind. I force him to have NC with the OW. He told me he has, but I don't really trust him. His A is both EA and PA. He told me he love the OW. After reading some of the message posted here, I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Am I pushing him to her?

That's a hard question to answer. Trying to rebuild is VERY hard and can indeed "push" either spouse away. As to asking for NC...most BS do so. You still have to be true to yourself. If you can't stay in the relationship while your spouse is in contact...then you can't. (btw..I would not have stayed in my marriage if my H's affair didn't end.)

My experience was that even though all personal contact ended on d-day, they BOTH continued to speak on the phone for about two weeks, off and on (unknown by me at the time...but suspected). I don't believe this is unusual (even if not acceptable)...it's a breaking away period and searching for a caring end to the affair.

While you've asked for and he has given NC (as far as you know)...you did NOT force it upon him. You gave him a choice...and he choose to practice NC. You can NOT force him to do anything! To have an affair or to end it...is/was HIS choice.

There is NOTHING wrong with setting personal boundaries. He NEEDS to know what those boundaries are for YOU...if he wants to continue in the marriage...then he choose to either stay within those boundaries or TALK to you about moving them BEFORE crossing them. Just as he has certain boundaries that he feels you must stay within.

You've just begun the painful ride on the emotional rollercoaster. Have you sought out professional help, both marriage counseling and individual? Have you been to the doctor to have your physical well being checked and to see if some medication would be needed for your emotional state? (Most of us use anti-depression meds at least for the short term after discover of the betrayal.)

You and your H can reclaim your marriage. Lots of hard work...but it can become more honest, more loving, more communitive, more caring.

Good Luck!

Thanks for your suggestion.

We are not going to IC or MC. He does not want to. He also does not want to talk bout the A at all? Everytime I bring up the OW's name he will change subject. Is this a bad sign?

I don't know if his not wanting to talk about the affair is a bad sign as to what is now going on with him, but it usually isn't something the BS can accept. The sooner he realizes that your need for information is connected to the speed of your healing the better. Regaining trust is right up there with holding on to the love in importance of rebuilding. The more open and honest he is, the faster trust is reclaimed.

He may not be interested in counseling..but you go anyway. Go for yourself and your needs. Hopefully, he'll get on the bandwagon later...but don't wait on him.

Good Luck!