First i want to say this is a copied post from another forum. I am also going to include the updates i have posted on the other forum as replies. If it seems confusing, I'm sorry. I just couldn't think how to say it all any better.

I have been with my fiancée for 6 years now. We met in and have been together since junior year of high school. We are engaged to be married in September and have been living together for 3 years. We have always been great together and seemed a perfect match. Recently I made the mistake of really neglecting her. She would come home and I would ignore her, she would make me dinner and I would eat it and not leave what I was doing. It wasn't a conscious action and it wasn’t that I had a lack of interest in her, I just somehow lost sight of what was really important in my life. I recently started to suspect that there was someone else. And I had my suspicions confirmed.
She has been going out with friends for a few weeks now every Wednesday night. And every time she has invited me, but like I said I have been neglecting her. Well last week she did not invite me and it was the first time I had actually planned to go. So I called and asked if she would like me to come and she was wishy washy. This really upset me because she was always excited for me to go with her. I knew right then there was someone else. She of course lied about who she was with and I only today 5 days later managed to drag it out of her that she was with "Him".

I asked her to come home and she did, we had what I thought was honest discussion. But she lied to me continuously. She lied to direct questions not just withholding information. Slowly I have discovered all the lies and that this guy has been pursuing her for 3 years now, but she always ignored him. I can't help but feel responsible having ignored her, but the woman I knew and loved would never lie to my face that way. I've not gotten angry and tried to be understanding and say I forgive her. But every time she says she has told me everything and another lie eventually comes out it tears me to pieces.

She told me she wants to work it out. But in the next hour she will say she has to leave and that she is leaving "for her" and not leaving me for him. But I think it’s all a way to make herself feel better about leaving. If she can convince herself that it isn’t for him she can feel good about the decision.

This man is 30 years old and she is 22. She met him at her work where he is a cashier and she is a supervisor. He has a child which I believe he is using to manipulate her. She is very bitter towards the childs mother and she has always had as strong motherly instinct. I believe he is feeding her lines and using the child to draw her to him. He told her "It was the same with my ex, we lived separate lives". And it is basically exactly what she wants to hear. 2 weeks ago she had tried to hook her best friend up with this guy and her best friend thought he was a creep. I also don’t think they can be madly in love if she is trying to hook her friend up with him. He told her he loved her and in the next breath when she told him she might leave me he said "I don't want to be that guy". HELLO? You have actively been pursuing an engaged woman. We are beyond that point now.

I care about her a lot, if she is not with me I really don't want her to end up with this creep. It’s very hard for me, but I have told her friends that if we don’t work it out they need to convince her to stay away from him. I told them to take her out or hook her up with their friends because I don't want to see him hurt her.

Throughout the whole thing it’s really the constant lying that has hurt me the most. Every time I manage to forgive her and tell myself I can trust her again more lies come out. I come to find out she has been talking to him for a few weeks and that even though she originally said she hadn’t, she has seen him outside of work just the two of them. I really do believe they have not had sex, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me.

I really truly want to work it out, but I don't know if I can ever trust her again. Especially if she hasn’t finally been completely honest with me. She also works with this creep which means she will always be under his influence. She has all those exciting and new feelings that are just a hormone induced euphoria and I can't compete with that.

I told her to be honest with everyone involved, Even "Him". I told her that lying is not something that she would normally do and I wish she would evaluate why she is doing it.
It’s very hard for me because I am/was very truly happy. I never looked at other women. A relationship with another woman never crossed my mind. I went in to any situation thinking "would I do this if she were here?". And I always trusted her to do the same. As far as I know she always has.

I have to believe that she will make an honest effort to work it out. I can't give up. I keep telling her not to give up on us. That we are worth saving. Sometimes she listens sometimes she is very cold. The worst thing she has said to me throughout this whole thing is when I told her If she left I am not sure I could ever take her back she replied "I'm willing to take that chance". I thought I would die right there.
I know she still isn't fully committed to making it work. Little hints let me know. Like today when I was on my way to work I called her, and about 5 minutes in to the conversation she said "I think I'm going to go, I know it sounds horrible but you are using up my cell phone minutes". That really hit me like a ton of bricks because she has admitted to me she talks to "him" for 15-20 minutes at a time almost daily. She then told me she does it at night when the minutes are free. But my response was does it matter? Are cell phone minutes and a couple of extra dollars really the issue here?
My biggest fear is that she will go to him and be hurt terribly. And I won’t be able to take her back. It will be a very ugly break up; everything we have is "ours". We basically built our loves together. Her car is in my name etc. And I'm scared that if/when she comes back to me, I won’t be able to take her back even thought its what I want most in the world.

Also she has been very adamant about not going to counseling. Her mother has mental problems and her experience with psychiatry has not been the best. Basically they doped her mother up and now she can barely function.
Another thing is, I looked through her phone to find out the guys name. She got very angry with that and basically felt i had no right and said the trust was gone. But i fell i was justified in looking. She was also still lying to me when she was spouting that the trust was gone. I think i had her convinced to work things out before that. But after that happened she left that very afternoon again.
She returned last night and said she wanted to work it out again. But as soon as i brought up the new lies i had discovered that she hadn't told me about yet she grew cold and i have probably ruined my chance. I just can't commit myself to her unless she stops lying to me.

I guess my real questions are,

1) Should I be trying to work it out? I truly deeply lover her and I think it was at least partially my fault.

2) Will I ever be able to trust her again? And should I? She would never lie to my face before and she isn't very good at it. But will she continue?

3) Is it fair for me to ask her to transfer to another location? The thought of this man having influence on her and trying to break us up always brings on chest pains.

4) What can I do so that if we do work it out I'm not constantly mistrusting her. I don't want to think every time she’s not with me she is seeing someone else.

I'm sorry for the long post, I just needed to get this out somewhere and get some unbiased advice

Second post from other forum...posted teh day after the first one.

Well after reading all day yesterday about how to work through our problems I waited for her to get home last night. I sat her down and told her I wanted to talk to her and lay down some ground rules. First that anything could be asked or said. Second that anger is ok, for both of us. And third that there would be absolutely no lying. She agreed and we began to talk.
It started out ok, I was honest with her that since she wouldn't consider counseling and I need something more that I had posted on message boards. She didn't seem upset by this and when I told her she could read the posts she said she would, but we never got around to it.

After some real honest conversation though it degenerated in to me telling her how bad this guy is for her and how worried I am that he is going to hurt her. I started to tell her that those new exciting feelings are just a chemical euphoria, and not honest feelings. She of course didn't like this at all. She told me I couldn't know, because I didn't know what it was like between them.

I then did the hardest thing I have done yet, I asked her if she said I love you to him. She said only once, after he said it to her. I asked if she did love him, and she replied yes. I asked if she loved me and she said "like a best friend".

Of course all this didn't give me positive feelings, but I had been badgering her and putting down this other guy so I couldn't be sure it just wasn't anger. She told me she wanted to leave. I told her we were worth a chance, and I wish she would open her mind just a little bit to the possibility that she could be happy with me again and we could have a happy and healthy life together. She responded she couldn't give me an honest chance because she couldn't promise she wouldn't talk to him.

She told me that the first time he asked her out she went just so he could tell her how great she was. And she just needed to hear those things and she had no intention of pursuing it.

Then I stopped badgering her and we got back in to some real conversation. I admitted things that have happened in our relationship that I didn't tell her about. Nothing major, just little things that it felt good to say. She did the same. It seemed to start to go well again. After a while she went to take a bath and I sat next to the bath tub talking to her. She seemed happy and not annoyed that I wasn’t leaving her alone.

We then went and watched the sopranos, which is like a ritual for us. It's one of the few things no matter what we do together each week. There was a marriage theme to the show and I hope it may have started her thinking.

After the show I started to massage her feet. She didn't ask me not to so I continued to end up massaging her whole body with lotion. We didn't have sex, and I didn’t really want to. But we were being intimate and she didn’t pull away. It felt really nice.

We then went to sleep spooning, which is funny because we aren’t cuddly sleepers. We usually sleep with our backs to each other. Even though her words were harsh I really feel like we are making progress. When she talks she still says things about the future in an "us" scenario. I'm not sure if it’s out of habit or if she is honestly thinking about our future together. It’s very hard to know.

I feel progress, I feel her opening up to me again. I feel her not hating to be around me because she was so guilty. I told her I have forgiven her and feel like I can trust her again because she has been honest with me. I really do feel these things.

But she won't promise me she won’t talk to him. She did promise she won’t have sex with him. And I believe her in that. And I believe that they haven’t had sex so far.

Is this good enough?

Am I letting myself be used?

Am I blinded by my wanting to work it out?

third post from other forum. Posted 2 days after the first.

You guys sick of me yet? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well she didn't come home last night. She told me where she was going and everything. But the fact that she couldn't be home with me really hurt. I talked to her a few times on the phone throughout the night and she sounded like she was coming home tonight and will definitely be with me all weekend. I was going to drive up to her work and leave a card I made for her on her car, but she called me as I was walking out the door to tell me she had gotten off early. When I told her "I just want you to know I'm thinking of you" she replied "I'm thinking about you too". That made me feel better for a little while. I made her a bunch of CD's with love songs on them, the problem is I don't know if she will listen to them and think of me or him. That is hard for me too. I talked to my friend last night who went through the same thing with his serious girlfriend 2 years or so ago.

He lives to far away now for it to be practical to see him, but it was nice to talk. He said he still hasn't recovered and even with his new love interest he feels like he’s just going through the motions. He still loves his original lady, so he pretends and tries to move on. To me that is very sad. Almost sadder than where I'm at now. It's hard knowing that’s probably what’s ahead of me.

When I got home last night I saw that she had left her engagement ring on the night stand. That was very hard as well. I'm wearing it on a little ribbon around my neck. I must sound absurd and silly and to be truthful I don't know why...but it just felt good.

I am going to try for a while longer to make her see the man she loved in me. We are going out tonight and probably more this weekend. Hopefully I can feed her addiction and get past her barriers. If not...Well I guess I did my best whatever consolation that is supposed to be.

I may let her read my posts here, maybe it will give her a better insight in to my feelings to read them. Because when she hears them she doesn't seem to listen.

I have been reading a lot of information at www.marriagebuilder.com and have found it useful. A lot of what is said in the Q&A columns rings very true to me. I'm going to try to get her to read it with me since she won't go to counseling.

I like to believe I am doing some good. But the truth is I don't know any more. I pour out my soul to her and she doesn’t seem to care any more.

My plan is still to just be the best man I can, and hope that she notices. If she comes back because she wants to and not just because it’s the right thing or she’s guilty or she got hurt by this guy then I feel it is real. Any other way and I can't be sure.

I'm rambling I know <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

I realize I have written a dissertation here. But I would appreciate any advice.