My wife and I have been married for just a little over a year, and 2 weeks ago I found out that she had just passionately kissed a co-worker, several times in the last 2 weeks, and continues to flirt with him via e-mail (probably did before as well). After I discovered this, which was about a week after it happened, I confronted her on it, and she did admit to everything that had happened. At least, I'd like to believe that she did, and that nothing more took place, though my trust and belief in her is quite low right now.

After we both talked, cried, and things were more in the open, I was very angry at first. I realize now that I could have handled myself better, but I think the natural response of such a shock is to get angry about it. My first instinct was to ask her to leave, but I had a change of heart and gave her the opportunity to stay and talk about things. Of course, that happened in the morning, then she went to work, where she sees this guy every day, 9 hours a day.

We did talk things over and I told her I'd be willing to give her a chance if everything she was doing would stop. And she surprisingly told me that she didn't want to take that chance with me.

We had a cruise (vacation) scheduled for 2 days after all this happened, believe it or not, and at the last minute she agreed to go. I thought it was a good chance to try and talk or reconnect. She was very much in withdrawal though, and nothing got worked out. She still enjoyed spending time with me, for the most part, but I could see that there was no hope for any progress or resolution, and that this wasn't something that was just going to improve by behaving like it never happened.

I know we haven't been married for very long, and only lived together for 2 years (1 year single, 1 year as a married couple), but my feelings are still very strong for her and I don't want to let the mistakes we both made, my lack of empathy and her indescretion, ruin everything. I didn't have a lot of faith in a resolution until I read so many testimonials here, and realized that our situation is so much like others that have been resolved. And that gave me a little bit of hope.

Lately, this week, she's cried and becomes upset at times at the thought of leaving, and she didn't even want to remove her wedding rings until I asked her to due to the fact that her flirtations were continuing. I just felt offended by her wearing them. Which may also have been a mistake. But they hadn't stopped her so far, so I figured her wearing them didn't mean anything about us anymore. Perhaps I was wrong in that.

I do wonder what makes her more upset though, the thought of missing me, and what we once had going away forever, or just the fear of being on her own, something she has never done before. Maybe it's both. But if it's just the latter, I'm getting the wrong signals.

I've tried to talk to her about things and have, many times, openly given her the chance to stay and work things out, of course given the deal that all contact with this other guy stops immediately. After she continued to refuse that, and still talks to him and flirts with him, I figured that I didn't want her here at the house anymore, so I told her she'd have to find a new place to live. It didn't seem like she even wanted to give us a chance.

Now I realize what she continues to get here at the house are negative emotions, we cry, we fight, and it's hard to be civil about what she's done. So what I was doing was wrong and I know that now. Because she's still not getting any good feelings from me, only bad. On the vacation, though, I resisted talking about our situation quite a bit, and we had a lot of fun, forgetting our troubles at times. Then towards the end of the vacation, out of the blue, she revealed to me that it was still over. So I felt like nothing I was doing was going to make anything better.

After reading everything at this site though, and seeing that so many other couples have somehow worked through this, I still have a bit of faith in that. It seems hard when she's so against any sort of resolution, though, and that bothers me.

She has been a relatively sad person during a lot of her life. I did try to deal and help with her sadness, but after reading items at this site regarding emotional needs, I realize that I made mistakes. I tried to help and interpret instead of just listening.

She admitted to me recently that she'd been incredibly sad over the past few months, and lost faith in me and my ability to listen and provide for her emotional needs. She would cry when she woke up, cry on her way to work, and generally tried to hide her sadness from me as best she could when I wasn't dealing with it the way she needed me to. I had the best of intentions, but I obviously did a lot of things wrong in this regard. This guy at her work filled that need for her, and the rest is textbook.

I feel that I can learn to meet her emotional needs. I am a loving, caring person and I feel I am capable of anything. I love her and I want to take care of her, and to be everything that she has ever wanted in her life.

We have cried a lot these past 2 weeks as we discuss what the next steps are. Not once has she admitted she had hope for us. She does admit that she will miss me dearly and still has a strong love for me, but no faith that I can make things better. Truthfully, even if she stayed, I'd so want to work everything out, but I'm afraid I'd fail, or worse, she'd be unhappy and this would happen again. I don't want to waste either of our lives in a loveless marriage, and if she truly feels that I can't make it better, it may be time to throw in the towel after all.

Staying together would be hard for me as well, as there are a lot of trust issues to be worked out, but if she'd be willing to give me a chance, I am more than willing to do the same.

Furthermore, if she were to move out completely, I have no faith that I could take her back anymore. At this point, I at least have a good idea of what's happened with her and this other guy, after she's gone, I won't know, and don't think I could welcome her back wondering what she might have done while we were apart. But her feelings for me are still there to some degree, and for this reason I'd truly hate for us to turn our backs on what still could be a wonderful life together. Maybe even better than ever before.

I just don't want to make that mistake. But at the same rate, I don't want to continue to be a fool and provide for her as a husband while her affair is going on.

She's out of town this weekend to visit her family and decide whether she wants to keep her job here and try and get her own place, or just move back home. She doesn't have any hope of staying here and trying to work on us, and frankly, I am not sure of that myself. She has expressed regret and a wish to turn back the clock on all of this, but I think we both feel now that the cards are stacked against us, and we feel too much resentment towards each other to work things out.

Me, I want to feel like there is hope. I want to feel like we could someday forget all of this. In fact, I think if we could, our love would be stronger than ever. I have learned so much from all the reading I have done since this happened, and, though I wish I'd found out sooner, I still feel I know more than I ever have about emotional needs. I have a long way to go, but I am so willing to learn.

Next week, she wants to start filling out divorce papers, though she asked if she could continue to stay at the house if she comes back to live in this area, while she apartment hunts. Her job makes her happy and she doesn't want to lose that (though there's no way she could continue with that if we were together, and I think she knows that, as I couldn't accept her seeing this co-worker every day). We have already even worked out fair terms of that, since the marriage has been so short, so there are no money or property issues that bother me. The thought of us losing what we had, though, is troubling. I just don't want her to regret it down the road, as I know if I ever discover there was a chance for us and we missed it, I will be just as regretful myself.

Is it too late for us?

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 04:11 PM: Message edited by: MichaelP ]</small>

Hi, wow! sounds if you have a long road ahead of you, Im not very great at this at the moment going through something similar with my H, hes the one who doesnt think it can work, and had the A. Heres how I see it if you love her than mabey let her go, as hard as it is to do and believe me I know this firsthand ( I am doing the same ) distance and time may be what is required for her to work out her feelings and for you as well, If she chooses to sleep with the OM than there is nothing you can do about it and I know the pain of this can be unbearable however, you are entitled to a good life with someone who loves and respects you. Mabey if she has some distance and no pressure she will come back on her own terms and ask to work things out, if you love her enough and can deal with the past then and only then can you begin to rebuild. I wish you all the best, keep your head held high I know it is very hard right now but there may be hope after all time does heal.

Well thanks for your thoughtful reply. Everyone seems to have mixed feelings on the subject of separation: Some feel that absence makes the heart grow fonder, others feel that separation is never a good way to fix a relationship. And I guess each situation is unique.

Time heals all wounds, I know this for a fact. And I'm sure it will be hard for a while, regardless of what happens. But if things continue as they are, and we don't work our relationship out, I do have faith that one day I'll find someone new. I just hope that she doesn't realize that she wants to come back if I learn to let her go.

But, as I said before, she's had every chance in the world to stay. She just doesn't find happiness here right now, and if she's got no faith in recovery and things getting better for us, I guess that her decision to leave makes sense.

Best of luck to you as well. Thanks again.

Micheal,

Here is my take on this. Your W is clinically depressed and somehow she feels that you can bring her out of it. The OM can because he doesn't have to do anything but listen to her and leave. You have to live with her.

See if she will go to a doc and tell him how she feels. I think that unless she gets some anti-D's you have no chance at this given her mindset. Of course when she divorces you she won't be any happier, but she can then chase her rainbows for awhile before she realizes the problem is HERS not yours or anyone elses.

FRankly, I am not sure a 1 year marriage in this shape can be saved unless she does address HER problems.

Do read about Plan A and Plan B on this site. I think they can help some, but for the most part it seems to me the problem is hers and you cannot fix it.

Must go, but i hope something I have said is of help.

God Bless,

JL

Actually, the points you've made are quite valid, and something she's already admitted to herself, to some degree.

I agree that a divorce won't make her any happier, and she has also agreed that the problems are hers, and not mine. She says she needs to work on herself. She thought our marriage would make things better, but after some months of happiness, she became depressed and disinterested in me (because I wasn't satisfying her emotional needs).

I completely agree (and so does she) that she needs to work things out on her own and I can't fix anything.

As Plan A stated I did have to ask that seeing the OM stop (which would sadly involve her leaving the job she loves) or else we would have to separate. That's tbe big problem. I just can't see how we could live together and hope for reconciliation with the OM still in the picture for her every day. It's a terrible situation because she loves her job and I'd love for her to stay, but I wouldn't be able to handle that.

As for clinical depression, that may or may not be the case, she's not been diagnosed with anything, and she's very reluctant to see anyone about it -- Her opinion is that she doesn't want to take a drug to alter her feelings, that she feels the way she feels for a reason.

I read a good analogy about that though, and I thought I'd share that with anyone that might be reading this -- If you've got a bad allergy, you don't think twice about taking a pill once or twice a day to alleviate that. It's really the same thing if there's a mental imbalance as well. It's something that's actually wrong in the body, but medical science helps to correct.

I don't think that's a solution she's ready to pursue right now, though. Maybe someday she'd be willing to try, but unfortunately that would be too late for us.

So you're right, I'd say, or pretty close to it. It's easy for the OM because he's new and different than me, and also because she's associated me and our home with such negative emotions since she wasn't happy here.

I don't believe her leaving is a smart solution, but you never know what life will deal. She could stay and things could get better, or not improve at all. She could leave and things could get better, or worse.

I've given her all the choices. Just waiting for her to make a decision now. But I still do hope that somehow we can work it all out.

Thanks for your advice. Everyone here has been very helpful and insightful so far.