need some advice. about 6 mos ago i find out my wife was unhappy in our marriage of 4 yrs. She told me for the last 3 yrs she felt as if she was by herself with no support from me. I realize where i made my mistakes 3yrs ago and im working hard to change. i've always help with the house and kids...helped with cooking, cleaning, laundry, giving kids a bath,putting them to bed and homework, but i forgot to cherish my wife. i would come home from work help around the house and with kids then once they went to bed she did her thing and i did mine. i always let her do what she wanted since she was home with the kids all day and i was at work. so i failed her emotionally.
She's been hit with a lot of medical problems this year as well. diagnosed with IBS(irritable bowel syndrome-in pain when ever she eats), and possible cervical cancer and also stressed out to her limit.
i've known we've had problems for quit some time but never knew they were this serious until about 4-5 months ago. i've seen where i failed her and im making sure not to let it happen again. but now she says it maybe too late. she's so use to being by herself she doesnt know if it will work.
3 months ago we started counseling which my W hated because the counselor seemed to side with me. Once we started counseling she told me she's had a close friend for the last 7months, but they were nothing else just someone she told all her problems and emotional support . i was devestated my trust dropped to nil. i didnt understand why if they were just friends was it so secretive. i asked her to stop but it didnt.
Counseling seemed to get worse and my job(military) more demanding. i got sent away a couple of times for about 4 days each and the last time i came home she told me they had slept together while i was away and she thinks she's pregnant . after the anger and hurt settled and i could think i decided i still didnt want to lose her and i was willing to work things out.
We decided it would be best for her to go home this january to seek professional medical advice and get away from the stress. the atmosphere around the house now is pretty cold, i continue to try and make her happy and work things out but i get no sense of her wanting it to. i put a no contact order on the guy she was seeing and i think she resents me for it. she said she doesnt want a divorce right now she just want to go home and see what happens. says shes more worried about her medical problems and she doesnt care what happens to us or her and OM. I dont want to lose my wife and kids they are my world. Now we dont sleep together, dont touch, and only time we talk is if i initiate it. I dont want to give up my family but what do i do? She says she doesnt want a divorce but then says she doesnt care what happens. And im being selfish for always asking about us. am i being stupid, am i pushing to hard, now i feel like the typical victim im movies that everyone yells at and thinks are so stupid for staying. i know i could make it without her but the whole thing is... i dont want to...she is my everything...what is your opinion or advice please help

<small>[ November 10, 2002, 08:26 AM: Message edited by: rothals ]</small>

rothals

First of all you are NOT responsible for her choice to have an A, but you are equally responsible for the state of your M that had contributed to the environment that made the A much more likely.

No one can guarantee that your WW will do the right thing and come back to you to rebuild the M, if you do a flawless plan A/B. But you will have the knowledge and peace of mind that you gave it your best and that if the M does end in divorce, you will be better prepared for a relationship with a much healthier person in the future.

I suggest that read the Harley books 'Surviving an affair''His needs Her needs' and 'Love busters'(my favorite).

The most important thing is for you to give it your best shot via the MB methodology and not let your natural feelings of anger, sadness, hopelesness take control of you.

No matter what happens to your M, you need to become a stronger individual for not only your sake but for your children's as well.

Good luck and God bless.

coffee thanks for your input. reading these post help me with the whole situation. my w has told me the same thing, that if this doesnt workout then its not my fault, but i find litte console in that because at the moment i dont care whos fault it is i just want to keep my wife.
this week has gone fairly decent for me i've been trying the advice on MB and not acting on my feeling or anger. today was really hard because i found out my W was with the OM when she drove a friend to the airport then went site seeing with OM. I told W i know they were together but didnt get into arguement just left it at that. Not sure what to do about it. like i said before i filed a no contact order against OM so i could get OM in serious trouble with military, but i feel that would make things worse with W, plus shes pregnant with OM child not sure if thats fair for W or baby. I know these things take alot of time but im not sure if i can hold out i want things better now. any more advice or input would be greatly appreciated

Even if your WW doesn't want to go to counseling, you should go anyway. Not only do you have the A but her pregnancy by OM as well. You need the guidance of a professional to help you deal with this ordeal in a positive and constructive fashion.

You must understand that until the A ends and there is no more contact between your WW and OM, your M has no chance of recovery. But you've got an advantage that the OM doesn't have, and that is that you are with your W more than he is, and thus have more of a chance to plan A her and thus negotiate for an end to her A.

Keep us posted and God bless.

coffee my situation is pretty difficult. im in germany and theres not too many counselors around. I rely on this site for advice and comments, but for some reason im not getting the amount of responses i was hoping for. I usually check this everyday to check for new responses, but so far you have been the only one kind enough to answer. Im not sure how i can keep on doing this. I try to stay calm and have a good time around my W so she will want to be around me, but its hasnt been going very well. She asked to go out to a club Friday night with a friend and i told her i didnt like the idea but go ahead we're seperated so i have no say in the matter. Well that didnt go over well needless to say. I find it extremely hard to trust what she tells me. How do i overcome this or handle the situation, my insides have pretty much vanised and all i feel is emptiness. i try to show my W how much i care and all i get in return is either no emotion, anger, or the words "we're sererated we cant still do that". this is tearing me apart.

Hi there,
Are you still living in the same house? If so, I think it is disrespectful of your W to go out to clubs....leading a "single life." <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

As my fiance says...it's a "we" problem, and "we" have to fix it. Both parties have to want to try....otherwise, how can problems be fixed, if only one person is doing the work?

I'm sorry I don't have more advice...I just wanted to post and show you some support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

rothals

I'm glad to hear from you and I'm so sorry that your thread hasn't generated more replies from others, but it may be due to the fact that you are on a board that has fewer folks compared to the General Questions II board. Consider posting your thread in the latter board and see what happens.

You might want to read <a href="http://www.stopyourdivorce.com/sample5.htm" target="_blank">The More You Believe You Need Something
-- The Less You’re Going To Have It...</a> which is from <a href="http://www.stopyourdivorce.com/sample1.htm" target="_blank">Sample Excerpts From The
Book"Stop Your Divorce!" by Homer McDonald... </a>

Don't despair, you already have one more member (straycat),besides me, that has offered her support to you. Hang in there.

Hi rothals
I'm sorry about your situation, but unfortunately I don't have any good advice that I think would help you. One thing disturbs me though, I hope when your W goes to clubs she is not drinking considering the fact that she is pregnant. If she is, then she is really in the fog. Coffeeman has given you great advice. He is really very good, so I wouldn't worry if you don't get too many replies. Sometimes when you get too many, it makes your head spin and it only confuses you more. He always gives good, honest, solid advice. My prayers are with you and I hope you take care of YOURSELF as Coffeeman stated. Thats the best thing for you and your child. Just wanted to send a little support your way. God Bless.

hey thanks for all of the responses i never would have guessed it. straycat as for your questons yes we are still living together for now, but she's planning on moving out in january (her choice not mine)and going home to get better medical treatment for all her problems. She is still seeing boyfriend but not anywhere close to like before(at least that i can tell). One thing i was thinking about the other day is this child, because of the baby OM will forever be a part of W's life. they're A started out as EA then after it came out into the open 6mos later it turn into a PA. Do yall think i still have a chance to rebuild what WW and I lost. As for the other i feel the same way as it being a "WE" problem, but i dont feel like "WE" want to fix it, feels like only i do. although these last few days have been going really well. Im trying real hard to implement plan A, but find it tearing at my insides(will be much harder than i can imagine). when she goes out i want so bad to know where and who she went with. No W doesnt drink when she goes out and she doesnt go out that often (much more than myself though, i never go out). well cant really think of anything else to talk about at the moment. please keep responding every little bit helps now

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooMuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>Even if your WW doesn't want to go to counseling, you should go anyway. Not only do you have the A but her pregnancy by OM as well. You need the guidance of a professional to help you deal with this ordeal in a positive and constructive fashion.

You must understand that until the A ends and there is no more contact between your WW and OM, your M has no chance of recovery. But you've got an advantage that the OM doesn't have, and that is that you are with your W more than he is, and thus have more of a chance to plan A her and thus negotiate for an end to her A.

Keep us posted and God bless.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">coffee i was just reading over all the responses and saw one from you i have a question about(well some advice needed). How do i negotiate for the A to end without upsetting the W. It's become really hard to talk about with her because of my previous actions. any advice?

Sounds like your W may be suffering from depression as well. Has she been diagnosed for depression?

Have you thought about what you want if she does decide to carry the baby full term? OM may become a part of your lives for many, many years to come. Are you capable of dealing with this scenario? These are questions that you need to ponder very seriously for the answers will determine your future happiness.

Her leaving in January for home, will at least help her not be in physical contact with OM and just might give her time alone to consider what she wants to do with her life.

Realize that she'll probably, if she hasn't done so already, go thru withdrawl from OM and she'll not be in much of a mood for marital recovery or satisfying your EN's. Unfortunately this is something that she'll have to go thru before there is even a glimmer of hope that your M will survive. The trick is for you to get control of your emotions and plan A her and not love bust her until the time she leaves for home.

Keep us posted.

you know coffee i have given it alot of thought about this unborn child and weather i stay or go i feel abortion is out of the question and my wife agrees. i also told my wife when i first found out that if i knew the OM was out of the picture completely (as in relationship) then i would take the child in just like my own. Our oldest two kids are from W previous M and i feel like they are my own. Once i trusted my W completely, she could tell me she was going grocery shopping in a string bikini and i would have believed her; now i want that back but its hard to find again. I know things will definately get harder than what we are experiencing now, but its a chance i have to take to try and hold on to what i value most. Im putting my all into plan A, im not sure if i can hold out because it hurts tremendously, but as long i have people like yall to talk too ill make it. people you have been a tremendouse help to me and i thank all of you. I know no matter what the outcome of this situation i will still have God and good friends to rely on.

<small>[ November 11, 2002, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: rothals ]</small>