I'm really new to this, so bare with me. My husband has been having an affair with the same woman for many years, on and off. We have been married for 28 years, both children have flown the nest and are happily settled overseas. I've known about the affair for many years but I've tried talking to my husband about it but he's never willing to discuss the matter. He will turn off. I've tried leaving him but can't bring myself to do it. In desparation I've asked him to do the leaving but again, he turns off. I've also asked him to join me in counselling but again - no response. He plays the game very well, he covers up his affair quite cleaverly, always leaving me feeling unsure whether I'm being paranoid. We go through cycles, he's very attentive to me, then he disappears, I ask questions - no answers given - I can't talk to him without getting angry - he ignores me until I come round - he's very attentive and it goes on. How do I get him to sit down and talk about the affair which I know is going on, and on?

You can't! You can NOT control what he does or how he reacts to you. You can only control your own actions. If you want to make a change in YOUR life/marriage...You are the one who has to act. jmho

I can relate to what you are going through in some ways. At least your husband admitted affair. Mine denied having one, still does and I wonder daily if they still contact each other and think they probably do since they to had same situation your husband does. I am pretty sure however he hasn't seen or been with her for two years now.I know he hasn't had sex with her for 2 years as been with me all the time and I watch all the time now what he does etc.Maybe seen her but really doubt it. You just never can trust them and thats the sorry part. In your case there is no way I myself would ever put up with a husband who still saw the OW and I knew it.You aren't respecting yourself or he certainly isn't repecting you at all. In fact he is using you and that should make you angry. That is not love. Hard to hear I know but putting up with that is not good for you or marriage and especially the kids. They will find out , mistakes happen and people see things eventually. If he won't talk about it seriously think about leaving and finding someone that will show you the respect and love you deserve. Your spouse wants his cake and eat it to.I think mine might want the same which is why he won't tell me about it.I am going to MC and hope I can adjust to my situation and if can't I can't be happy with my husband. He too is the perfect husband now since I found this gift for another woman, but he lies about the affair and I simply don't respect him or trust him and it hurts as we could have it all now but we have never been able to communicate about problems. I want to know and he won't so dead end for us as far as working at problems etc. Sad really because we do care for each other but I too need respect and to feel special but I feel alittle used by him.Best to you .