Thanks to all that helped with the last time I asked a question here, it was a great help. Now to reveal the whole story.
My wife and I have been married for 7 years this Feb. We have had our ups and downs through it all, and I thought we had worked through them.
Last spring we seperated for a while due to some of the problems. I was wrong and gave her a deadline to make up her mind what she wanted, so she came back and things were great between her 2 girls and out 2 boys and me better than they ever were in fact.
Now at the beginning of this week I found out that she was having an affair and she admitted it. She told me that he made her feel like I didn't, and yes Iknow I haven't been there for her like I should have. To make matters worse two members of her family knew about it and told me nothing. I flew off the handle and kicked her out of the house.
Since then I have done a lot of looking online and found that this isn't the end so I have been reaching out to her to try to get her to open up about this and try to salvage the marriage.
I kept telling myself that I needed to concentrate on raising the two boys and stop reaching out to her, but that didn't happen.
She tells me that the affair is over and she wants to rebuild the marriage. I told her that this is hard when she works third shift and I work first especially since she was elsewhere. I suggested that we could turn the upstairs into a seperate living area for her and the girls so we could work this out. Then I made the mistake of kissing her and telling her that I still loved her.
I call this a mistake because up until that moment I had closed the pain away and finally got to the piont where I could sleep at night. So I had to ask her some questions about the affair just so I knew. I found out from her that the affair started out when we seperated in the spring although it didn't get physical until recently, which bothers me because she slept with me one friday then went over and slept with him the next day....And in case I forgot to mention it the other man is married.
Now all the pain broke out all over again. It is a realy physical pain like a icy hand squeezing my heart. i have to find a way to deal with this pain if there is going to be any working out.... If some of you know how to handle or deal with the pain please share it with me, I really feel I have to come to grips with this before we can rebuild anything.
Thanks

And one more thing. The cheating spouse has betrayed the trust that was there and they have to try to rebuild the trust right? How can we be sure that they just want to avoid a bad situation and only say they want to work it out????how can it be believed?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heart_of_lions:
<strong>How can we be sure that they just want to avoid a bad situation and only say they want to work it out????how can it be believed?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You will never be absolutely sure but it is a WS's consistent behavior thru actions that speaks volumes about where his/her heart is really at. What kind of actions? for one, willingness to follow a plan of marital recovery like MB's and counseling with a MB oriented professional.

Harley says that in a M there should never be blind trust. Would you blindly let yourself or a loved one walk thru a dark and dangerous part of town? of course not. Just like with freedom, the price of M is eternal vigilance.

<small>[ November 02, 2002, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

IF...you AND your W are willing to rebuild...then began! The trust will take time to reclaim, don't wait on it. Get into individual and marriage counseling for BOTH of you. Don't look for the quick fix...it ain't going to happen.

The stages of betrayal are much like those we go through over the death of a loved one. Read up on them. Pain and sorrow, anger, fear, and acceptance, etc. You MUST deal with them. Don't try to rush things, as it takes time. Be honest with how you feel, without being unkind, whenever possible.

Open those doors of communication with her, ask her to be honest about what happened and what she feels. (Be sure to be ready to hear some things that hurt...do NOT hit the ceiling. If you're not ready for the truth, don't ask the question...wait until you can LISTEN...not just hear through your pain.)

Good Luck!