Recently found out W is flirting and spending time both inside and outside of her job with a co-worker. Not sure how far things have gone yet, though she has admitted to it after being confronted.

I still love her and would like to try, though I am still unsure where she stands at this point. I really want to try, but I can't help but think that if she agreed to try as well, the first step would have to be her leaving her job where she would no longer see the OM.

The problem is that she loves her job dearly, and surely would resent me for giving her that ultimatum for sure (me or her job). Though, in a way, if she chooses her job over me (or vice versa), it would say a lot about what was more important to her.

I'd so much love for her to be able to work things out with me AND keep her job, but with the OM there tempting her all day, every day she's there, I can't help but think that it would never work for us. I want to Plan A but I don't think I can go on living with her as long as she is still seeing the OM all the time, even if it's just at work.

Anyone have any thoughts on this one?

Alex

Well...first...sorry you are facing this. It's not an easy road to travel.

You're going to have to discover what your W wants and where she wants her life to lead. If she isn't being communicative, this won't be easy either.

IF...she wants to save her marriage, then yes, the best first step she could take is to look for another job. I realize that at the moment, this isn't the easiest thing to do with the job market so bad, but it would be a great gift she could give her marriage. Even the attempt would count for much.

Plan A is wonderful. HOWEVER, I tend to think of it's wonder AFTER the betrayal has ended. jmho I am in awe of those who are able to practice it during a betrayal. Altho, I can certainly see the benefits if one is strong enough to do it. It's up to you to decide if you are capable of using Plan A while she is still working with OM.

My H ended up having to work in the same office building as xOW (during affair they didn't). She applied for and got a job there after the affair had been over about a year. His company had just been taken over and he had signed a contract saying he would stay with the company until the takeover was completed...so he did not have the option of leaving without losing a LOT of money. So...he agreed to tell me whenever he saw her, she called, etc. He was GREAT! He assured me of the efforts and steps he took to avoid her. It was the only way we survived without constant war during this time. Your W might also be willing to reassure you in this manner.

Good Luck!

Alexander,

Sorry you have found yourself here at MB. There are lots of people that can give you real good advice here.

My W stillworks with OM. Actually, she works about eight feet from him and shares an office. They back each other up at work, so they work real close. I found out about the A Nov. 17th, 2001.

My W also really likes her job (not b/c OM is working there). I will post more later to tell you more of my story, I'm real short on time now, but I will post later to tell you what I've done and how I am doing and how our M is doing.

There will be tough questions to ask yourself. And you will need lots of encouragement. (How's your walk with God? I'm serious). While her remaining at her job isn't the best for your M (actually, it really makes it very hard to recover), it maybe a major LB to give her an ultimatum. You can win out and get her back. Have you read "His Needs Her Needs" and Surviving an Affair"? I might also recomment "Torn Asunder". You got a lot of work to do. But most of it is to work on you. You'll need to find out what he is giving her that you haven't been.

Gotta go. Hard to post on the weekend.

My prayers are with you.

S&C

Alexander. My H admitted to an EA with his boss (could still be going on..may even have been/be a PA). When it happened he asked me if he should find a new job. I said no, because he has a great job that he loves, and I thought that by making him leave it would be like running away and what would it solve. I'm sure my H was relieved I said that also. And I wondered if that would result in resentment down the road, and it wouldn't even guarantee that they wouldn't see each other.

Anyway, this was in February, and you'll see from my signature lines that he left me in July and is still gone. I often wish I'd told him to get a new job but I honestly don't know if it would have made a difference. I do know that him going to work every morning and me knowing he would be in the office beside her and be looking at her and working with her was extremely difficult, as is the fact that they're still working together.

However, if I'd known about Plan A back then, I would have worked my butt off at the time, instead of just trying to get through it in my own way and major LB'ing, I'm sure. So..you know about MB, and Plan A...so perhaps instead of telling your spouse to find a new job..work your butt of with Plan A!! Keep us posted.

Alexander,
I feel for you. I am in the exact same position. I found out about A on September 27th. H works with OW and often travels w/her. It's been a PA for two months. She is also married.
A little history. We met in the first grade. I moved and changed schools. We reconnected at a high school graduation and started dating. We moved in together two years later and got married six years after that. We've been married for eight years. Throughout the course of our marriage we have lived in five different states across the country. I found out about the A because he left an instant message conversation on the computer and confronted him. The converstion was how and when they were going to meet the next day. There was even an "I Love You" and an "I Love You too". My heart broke that night. We had a couples couseling session last week and I told him he had to give her up 100%. No contact what so ever if we're going to even try to repair what was wrong with us. He said he wouldn't do that and claims they are friends. I told him it is no longer a friendship and that if he wouldn't give her up then he had to go. I was hurt by his decision but also felt strong for standing up for myself and telling him what I needed. I realize he would have to give up his job for this but it is the only way I will ever begin to trust him with my heart. We haven't really talked about what's next for us. I am to raw emotionally to try. We have been in the same house (seperate bedrooms). I told him I don't want this to get ugly and let's try to be civil to each other. He agreed. Now I don't know how to act around him. I have been making plans with friends. Even joined the gym and a dance class. I don't really have much advice for you other than remember to take care of yourself.

Hi Alexander--

Hi Alexander--
Sorry about that, didn't mean to hit the reply before I posted.

I too am in the same situation.
My H had A with a coworker.
He told me right from the beginning, he would NOT leave his job, it means too much.

So, while I hate them being there together, he says he does not see her all the time. He tells me whenever he does, and has not spoken since their last conversation in December.

I think it crucial that there be no contact. It is in my book anyway.

My wish is that one day he or she will leave and move on, but for now I'm accepting it.

It brings on a new problem, the work parties. My H is in a management position, and seems to be excpected to attend.
I don't feel like I can go to these functions with him. What a slap in the face.
Maybe some year down the road I will feel different, but for this year, I can't do it.

Good luck to you. I hope your W wants your marraige as you do.

K.

Hi.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this. I can say that over time the immense sharp insane pain will fade.

I recommend Plan A. Don't LB. Look at your role as H and see what you know you could have done better. Then do it right away everyday. Try to meet W's needs and spend lots of time with her (as much as she'll let you.)

Make the changes and show her by your actions (don't tell her, she'll see.)

Feel free to read my posts (my WW is still in A with coworker and it started as just friends, flirting, EA like your W.) Maybe you can learn from my mistakes or gain some insight from my ordeal:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=30;t=001238;p=1