Hi All -
I'm new here. I'll try to summerize the best I can.
Married for 13 months. I found out Wed. that H is having an affair, while he is at school (he's in the military). I first confronted the OW, who claimed she did not know he was married. She seemed to be quite upset and as we talked told me she would stop the relationship immediately. It had been going on for three weeks, and they have slept together. When I confronted him, he became very angry, called the OW and began telling her that I was a psycho ex-girlfriend. She hung up on him. She then called me back, and while we were talking and she was telling me what he had told her, I could hear her other line breaking in with the beeps. She kept saying, thats him, calling again. Later that night, when she called me, she said he had left 20 or so messages for her, stating that we were indeed married but getting a divorce. She told me that he had made plans to come and visit her the 8th of November. He had said to me he would fly home to see that very same weekend. turns out he has told another person at school, a friend of the OW, that we were already divorced. To me, it sounds like he has it in his mind to give up. I am completely devastated.
The next day, Thursday, I began asking him for the truth. Did he have a plane ticket to Florida?
No he said. Why did he do it? Didn't know. What did he want for our future? He didn't know. He told me he had stopped calling her. Thursday night she phoned me, stating that he had phoned her twice that day, leaving voice mails. So again he lied to me. Tells me though that he thinks we can make it work. Later that evening, I tell him I still love him, he says he loves me too.
Friday, admits to having the plane ticket to Florida. Says he will cancel it. I tell him, I need him to tell me the truth. He says, he's afraid if he tells the truth, I'm flip out. ( I have had severe emotional outbursts in the past, over the stupidest things, like when he used up a favorite seasoning of mine and didn't tell me..STUPID...thats only one extreme example) Says is still confused. I asked him if he called her the previous day, yes he says. I said..did you talk to her? No, he says. We talk 3 or four times that day, but just quick calls, as he was in traffic, then with his family later that evening. He talkes to his sister-in-law and tells her that he loves me ..isn't sure why he had the affair.
Saturday - today. First time we've really talked since Wed. (By the time this conversation rolls around, I have found this website, and I've read alot of the articles.) Tells me he isn't sure if he loves me or not. Tells me he's not sure if he is willing to give us another try. Tells me that we've tried before and it hasn't worked. I tell him that I know I have things to work on, and I tell him I need him to be faithful to me and honest. I tell him that because he has had an affair, it has opened my eyes as to what I need to do to help make this work. I tell him I found this website and I repeat the things I've read about what I need to work on. Tells me that he needs some space and that I'm not giving it to him, because I'm calling too much. I do think thats true, but its been so darn hard to not call and get some kind of answer.!!!!
To give a background, we had problems before he went to away to school. He told me I was critical, anal, and that I always think I'm right. He was right but I really didn't take his criticism to heart. Not long before he went to school, he packed up all of his things after a HUGE fight, and told me he was leaving. I begged him to stay, swallowed my pride and admitted I was critical of him etc. It was hard to do. Then, about 2 weeks later, he went to school. So we really did not get time to work on it. In the meantime, I have been trying to be supportive of him at school. I've been trying to realize my short-comings as well. The weekend before he met the OW, I flew to see him.. We talked about how bad things were before he left for school, and I thought things were getting better. He agreed that things were getting better. Then BAM.! I find out about this affair. All this time he has been calling me, saying he misses me and loves me.
So my question is this: What to do next.? Give him the space he wants I guess is the first step. Anybody have any advice?
I have left a msg for a marriage counselor who comes recommended. I am hoping to get in next week.
Thanks...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
