My husband's affair w/a coworker has been over for 2 years. I have been through a complete hysterectomy and partial removal of a kidney this year. I survived all of that with his help so Why did I lose it when I found out my husband hired a good looking 25 year old to work with him? Does it ever really stop hurting?

Why did I lose it when I found out my husband hired a good looking 25 year old to work with him
Plain and simple, because you don't trust him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> And you shouldn't. That is what Steve Harley says. And I've also been in recovery for 2 1/2 yrs and it still hurts. I think about it everyday. Not one day since Dday has gone by that I don't think about what happened. We are in a pretty good recovery however I don't think it ever stops hurting. It may fade from time to time but it never stops hurting. JMHO <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by trynhrd:
<strong>Why did I lose it when I found out my husband hired a good looking 25 year old to work with him
Plain and simple, because you don't trust him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> And you shouldn't. That is what Steve Harley says. And I've also been in recovery for 2 1/2 yrs and it still hurts. I think about it everyday. Not one day since Dday has gone by that I don't think about what happened. We are in a pretty good recovery however I don't think it ever stops hurting. It may fade from time to time but it never stops hurting. JMHO <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Dear Trynhrd,
Thank you for your response, it made me feel better! Knowing that my lack of trust is not a flaw in my nature but a normal reaction to betrayal, feels right in my heart. Can you tell me where to find more on what Dr. Steve says on this topic? And What does JMHO mean?
Thank you again!

Hi Robyn,
Sorry you're in the same boat as I am. How many years are you married? We were just married 28. We have 4 kids and 2 grandchildren. It still hurts like I said earlier, but its not as bad as it was. JMHO means 'just my honest opinion'. LOL Sorry. I don't know exactly where it is I read about the trust issue but have you gone to the HOME section of this site. Dr. Harley explains everything in detail. Its pretty good.
Knowing that my lack of trust is not a flaw in my nature but a normal reaction to betrayal How can you feel otherwise. Here is someone you trust with your life and everything in it for your entire marriage and then they go and do something so deceitful and underhanded, something that you never expected they would do in a million years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> So how could your trust not be exhausted. I told my H that I will NEVER trust him again. I've known this man since I was 13 yrs old and I am now 51. How's that for screwing up your trust. But he did it and like I said, I will NEVER trust him again. I love him and I want him in my life and we are in a very good recovery but I don't trust him as far as I can throw him. Do I think that he will ever do something like this again. Probably not, but will I afford him the benefit of the doubt <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> NEVER! Fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. NO MORE. And I always heard that you can't have love if you don't have trust but I don't believe that. Trust has to be earned and if you lost that I truly believe that you don't ever fully get it back. However I do still love him very much and I always will. But I'm not going to be stupid again. My radar is out and will be til I die.
Hope I helped.

Robyn i am in the same boat as you , the difference is that i am almost 9 months pregnant with our first baby ,and i found out just 14 days aog , for my baby's sake i just try so hard not to think about it , i have found myself crying like a baby all the time , it hurts so bad , but i just have the strenght that i need for my baby but it feel better when i know i am not alone on this , i hope you will feel better with time robyn

Erica,
Thanks for responding and let me (order of importnace)congratulate you on the pending birth of your child! Children are god's greatest gift to us!
I am not sure why but I hear a lot of women say that men cheat on them while they are pregnant.Any wisdom out there as to why that IS??
Hang in there, I am learning that there is some very sage advice from folks on this site.
And you are right, you are not on your own. You are in my prayers...

After reading these posts, I am even more depressed. How did you guys make the decision to stay married after EMA? After reading this, I feel like the only chance I hve to be happy is to get away from WS. To hear that the hurt never goes away and that I am resigning my self forever to checking up on my H is more than I can bear. I didn't think that it was possible to cry this much for such an extended time. I feel like a shell of a person. I am dead on the inside. Please advise.

Time heals. Life is full of many different experiences. Unfortunately some are painful. Suffering breeds endurance which builds character. I know you would not wish the experinece of going thorugh a A on anyone and I'm not making light of A's, I'm just stating that we all go through painful experiences in life. Over time bad memories heal and good things happen that replace the bad memories. To give up on the M would be to hide from your own existence.

You can probably remember times in your life when things were good and in the bible it states a time for mourning, a time for healing, a time for laughing, etc. There is a time for everything and only God knows his plan for us.

If anything good can come out of an A it shows how forgivenss can heal, how those who suffer through can show empathy and understanding to others who may experience the same. It makes us think about what it is that makes us caring and human.

Don't give up. That would allow the Devil to control life and break up God's plans. When you married you took a vow that promised to honour in good and bad times. Unfortunately an A is not what anyone was thinking during this time, but you must trust God and know that he has the power to heal your mind and spirit.

God bless.

Thanks for your prayers i need it that .. and i also heard that before ,like for some reason H cheat on their wife when they are pregnant . i guess is that they dont have the attention that they used to ,my H is trying hard to amend things but you know i guess it take time to heal the wounds <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ..but hopefully i will get thru this ..hope you are doing oke ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

swtbonbon
i thought the same before , that i will never forgive an A but i guess i was wrong , i love my H and i want our marriage to work , everyone makes mistakes ,it hurts like hell ,but with time an patience we can get thru this..we just need to compare the good things and bad things of a love one , too see wich one matters the most , i realize that my H has more good things than bad , and that's why i gave him a chance .of course he will have to show that things has change and the reason for his mistake is fix
so far so good ..i just pray every day to God to give me strengh to be able to process this eventually .. hope you will feel better soon and remember you are not alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I envy all of you who are in recovery. After a one year affair, a eight month Plan A and a two month Plan B, my husband of thirty years filed for divorce. I'm still devestated....even after the cruelty of his actions and words. I worked so hard to meet his needs. He would never give up contact with the OW and when he finally did, it only lasted three weeks. He left me and our four children to live with this woman for almost six weeks. He's giving up all that we've built together for a divorcee with such emotional problems and baggage. Her body was the main attraction but now WS says it is much more than that. I filed for separate support and he answered with a complaint for divorce. The court date was last week...I felt so beaten down by him and his lawyer that I haven't been to work since. The depression was overwhelming. I spent days crying and not eating, trying to get myself adjusted to a new medication schedule. I've gone from a "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" person to someone who needs to rely on three meds just to get through the days. How I wish I could get angry and not care about him. My children are angry and I get the brunt of it....I'll never leave them but they need to vent. Deep down they resent the fact that I couldn't fix him and the situation. Now, we're suffering financial consequences. My husband is trying to force the sale of our home and the money that was allocated by the courts just isn't enough to run our home and meet the needs of our girls. It so strange that the court system is rewarding my WS for his affair and behavior by giving him a greater share of our weekly income than I get to support the kids, the house and all the bills with few exceptions. He doesn't seem particularly interested in the girls....days and days can go by, and they don't hear from him. He wants to co-parent but he won't commit to seeing them on a regular basis. It would interfere with his weekend trips to the OW. The end of this year will mark the one year anniversary of Dday. It has been a sad, lonely summer and fall. The one person I've loved since I was ninteen has completely destroyed my confidece and family. How I wish things could be different. Best of luck on your recoveries. I'll keep you in my prayers.
Wintergal

<small>[ November 05, 2002, 06:08 PM: Message edited by: Robyn424 ]</small>

Hey Wintergal,
Give me a quarter an I'll hunt down Mr. Wonderful and give him a swift kick in the [censored]! (just kidding)
Your situation reminds me of a good friend of mine from high school. She had 3 children right in a row at a very young age and when there oldest child was 12 years old her husband abandoned her and thier 3 girls. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Now for the good part - my girlfriend has the most wonderful new husband (well, 6 years ago he was new!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
He adores her and actually gave away her daughter because the "Ex's girlfriend" (different one x3) doesn't feel the "girls like her" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> and she wasn't comfortable coming to the wedding. Anyway, My girlfriend went through hell for awhile but if she is unhappy now, she is the best actress I have ever seen.
Hang in there you have no idea what the future holds for you, this could be the beginning of some good things. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My Dday also 2 years. Sometimes the pain is so great,you want to give up. but don't! God is still in control and He is using me to help my H. My H asked for and received my forgiveness. Forgiveness was a miracle for me, I would have never dreamed I could forgive him.Of course you never forget,but that's another story. Our marriage is 100% better than it ever was, we love each other more now.Have been married 35 years,2kids and looking forward to more years. You will never go forward as long as you are looking backward. Keep your faith,pray long and hard,and try to make wonderful new memories.God can heal your heart. I'm proof of that!!

<small>[ November 04, 2002, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: jeanm ]</small>

To SwtBonBon: Don't despair. I felt the same way over 2 yrs ago when I signed up on this board. I thought: "how am I ever going to trust my H again after all the deceit!!" And then I had a clearing of the mind in about 4-5 mos. that the only way to handle this awful distrusting mess of a marriage WAS TO LEAVE THE MARRIAGE. In my mind, at least I could always trust myself.

And that is where I am now. I divorced and have never looked back thinking I did the wrong thing.

Many here, have worked all the kinks out. I tried for a few months, but it was very apparent that my X did not want me to heal if HE had to be revealed. And that's why I am happier now than I ever have been in the past 5 yrs --

"I may not be with someone now, but at least I trust the one I am with"....

TWP

Dear Robin 424,
Thanks for the encouragement...Hey, if I give you 2 quarters, will you hunt them both down and deliver 2 swift kicks in the [censored]? I'd like a picture of that! I'm afraid I can't even imagine finding anyone new....I've invested all my love and energy into this relationship and it's difficult. I've never been with another person but my husband; I was completely faithful and loved him deeply, in spite of the inevitable aging process. He was always perfect to me and my heart lept everytime he entered the room. He just couldn't take being married to a 51 year old woman. He needed someone "younger,thinner and firmer" in his bed. I'm a size six but it isn't good enough for him. He loves her completely after one year and our 32 year relationship is over. Anyway, I hope your days become easier and easier and your trust and love become pain free.
Wintergal