Hi I just found out that my husband has been having an affair. He says that he has stopped seeing her. We saw our pastor together and I have had one session with a counselor by myself. My husband wants to work this out. I am physically sick, I can't eat or sleep. I just feel numb. I Love my husband and would do anything for him. This is just eating me up inside. It does not help that I just had a miscarriage. I was pregnant with twins.

Thanks for listining.
stephaus10

Steph,

Welcome to MB. Sorry that you are here; HOWEVER you will find kind, compassionate people here who understand what you're feeling.

Also sorry to hear about the miscarriage. What a horrible burden to have the affair to deal with on top of this loss.

Others will chime in and welcome you, but I should warn you that weekends on these boards are slow, so don't get discouraged.

Read, all of Harley's information on this website. Read and respond to posts; and vent vent vent.

The emotional rollercoaster you are on is no fun. Hope you have lots of ideas on how to "take care of you" while you're processing your feelings.

I post and vent here; walk 3 miles daily, write my feelings in a journal, and have accumulated a library of books all in an effort to understand the issue on infidelity.

To start Surviving An Affair, His Needs, Her Needs, and Give & Take; are my favorite books. Surviving an Affair is the right place to start.

Blessings to you and your husband. I am happy to hear that he wants to stay in the marriage. Thankfully mine did too and we're now (I'm almost afraid to say it) starting to enjoy recovery. CSue

Welcome...and sorry you have to be here...but you've found the right site to help.

Since your H wants to work things out, see if he is willing to get counseling, if he's willing to read here. Explain to him that the most valuable "weapon" he has to protect his marriage is the truth. The truth, with kindness and empathy and caring.

You've got a wonderful chance of rebuilding your marriage, as you are both beginning from the same place, wanting your marriage. A marriage can become better, more loving, more honest, more communicative, and stronger. Rebuilding is hard work...but it is worth it.

Read everything that is on this site. Take from it what benefits you and your situation. Each situation is individual, but there are some similarities which seem to run throughout many.

You're only beganning the journey towards healing, know that the emotions you will experience are completely normal. You are NOT going nuts. Find help in understanding and controling them.

The stages of healing from a betrayal are much the same as those from healing from a death of a loved one. Anger, sorrow, dis-belief, understanding and acceptance. Don't rush these stages, as each must be dealt with fully. They will "blend" over from one stage to another, but this too is normal. You'll find yourself feeling one emotion one second...then bam...you're experiencing another. (ie. crying uncontrolably to rage)

IC (individual counseling) and MC (marriage counseling) usually will speed the process and help you avoid some of the stumbling blocks and mis-steps...so do find counselors you BOTH feel comfortable with and can make a real connection to.

You BOTH can do this! Good Luck and God Bless!

I would like to say welcome and to always remember that this board has helped many of us. I am a betrayed spouse from 7/2000 and I have still come here just to hear the stories (new and continuing). It helps to feel that we are not alone when we hurt so bad. And please remember this when you really need a shoulder to cry on. WE understand wholeheartedly what pain you are feeling now.

On the bright and positive side -- I want you to know that I am getting better all of the time and believe me when I say this -- time does heal. I am living proof. I can't even go into the past because the pain was so awful, but I took it slow and did not avoid my feelings and made it through the darkness by prayer, perseverance and a steady supply of self-love. Take care and believe in yourself even during the dark times.

Thank you all so much it means a lot to know that I have somewhere to turn. I sent my children to their grandparents for the weekend and we have been able to spend time together and talk. He seems to be hurting very bad himself because of what he did. Thank you all for the continued support and friendship.

Stephanie

Welcome Steph,
You will find the people here are caring, honest, and experienced with the awful heartache you are feeling. They will listen to you rant and rave and offer advice if you ask for it.
This site has helped me enormously in the 6 months since D-Day.
My H had a 2 year affair with OW, he goes through a lot of pain with the guilt but it's not even comparable to the rollercoaster ride im on. I found that the A ended one day prior to d-day and that was the end of it for him. Whereas it was only the begining of it all for me. It has taken about six months for us to be at roughly the same place with it. It's long, sometimes slow, often hard, always painful, but it's worth it.

Robyn
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BS 36, WH 42, married 10 years
2 daughters 6 and 8,
d-day May 7 2002.
2 year A with OW 23.

We have spent time together without the kids. They have been at their grandparents since Thursday. Every time he walks out of the room I think he is going to send her a message from his phone. He reassures me that he is not. Everytime he gets on the computer I am afraid that he is sending an email. He reassures me he is not. All of this is making me so sick at my stomach constantly. I love him more than anything in this world and could absolutly never imagine life without him. How do I make the thoughts of him telling someone else that he loves them go away. That is what is killing me. It is absolutly killing me that he could tell her that that he loves her the same way he loves me. All of this is just so awful. I really want to forgive him but it really really hurts worse than anything that has ever happened before. Thank you all for listining.

Stephanie

S...this is all NORMAL. You've been hit with something you are NOT capable of dealing with on a logical, non emotional level.

The trust factor is one of the hardest items to regain. Find out if your H is willing to give you an unusual amount of access into his life, one that until this happened you likely never thought you would want or need. Email account passwords, cell phone voice mail passwords, etc. Now, know this going into asking...this is a false sense of security. IF...he wants to contact her...he will find a way...but know this...if he does...you will eventually find out. I know not much comfort there.

You can NOT control what he does. But on the other hand, he can NOT control what you do.

How to make thoughts go away? You don't! You learn to accept them. But, his telling her he loved her doesn't mean that it was a true love, or a healthy love, or a love that was deep and abiding (since he chose you as soon as the affair was discovered that seems pretty clear).

While it's true that some MM do indeed love their affair partners (such as my own H) that doesn't mean they stopped loving their spouses. It is possible to love more then one person at a time...just on different levels with each individual. When there came a time to make a stand and make a decision...You H choose you and what you two have together over anything else in his life. HE CHOSE YOU!

The emotional state you are in right now...remember we've been there, too. It does NOT go away in a few days. I spent MONTHS in it. Couldn't eat, or if I tried ended up losing it almost immediately (sorry so gross), so I was forced on the "betrayed diet", works great if you're needing to shed a few pounds, not so good when you don't. Lost about 35# within a couple of months am only now just getting back the weight I need. (Some BS go the other direction and eat too much. Both is normal.)

Forgiveness can come, but don't wait on it to begin rebuilding. Keep your focus on what the two of you can do to reclaim lost trust, avoid those situations where your at risk, discover those issues that needed to be worked on the marriage/family prior to any betrayal, but which both or either of you attempted to "let lay, it will work it out itself".

Once you're ready to forgive, you will. Know that you will forgive your H, but never the act of betrayal. You forgive the person you love as much for their sake as for your own. I found that forgiveness came on "cats paws" one dark night, quietly with no fanfare and "appeared" in my heart one morning. It's just part of the healing process and must be reached out for when the timing is right for you.

You and your H can do this!

Well, we had a second session in counseling yesterday. Our pastor said he felt like he could see a difference already. He said that he could tell that we were actually getting somewhere. I am still having a problem with the trust thing. It does seem to get better. I don't question him each time he goes to the restroom. He did give me the password to his cellphone voicemail. We are reading His Needs Her Needs together. I beleive God can show me how to forgive him. I don't think I can do it on my own. I think I can do it through him and him alone. Thank you all for responding to me before. You all kept me from leaving. In my heart thats all I wanted to do at first because I felt so violated.

Stephanie

Steph,

It's good to hear you are doing better. You and your H are still very new to this. Trust is a long way off. It takes time and consistent behavior of your H before you'll be ready.

How wonderful that you have such a good pastor. He'll help your H deal with the guilt. My H's guilt is a problem for him as well. It's a real feeling that's there for a reason in my opinion. I think their ability to work through the guilt is good for their character.

Hang in there you're doing well. In the basic concepts check out the "Giver" and "Taker" parts of our personalities. It explains how to deal with conflict in marriage. Once you understand each other's emotional needs, and Love Busters; you'll be ready to move on to learn about the Policy of Joint Agreement. POJA is in the same section as Giver & Taker. Blessings CSue

ok fellow heartbrokes-today is 3 weeks and 2 days since I discovered the affair officially and exactly 3 weeks since he told OW its over for them-whats after the ''3 weeks withdrawl''? what I struggle with most in the daylight is ''is it really over?'' and then at night back come the horror scenes, of the days I know he walked right out the door lying all the way to the curb.... I have friends and a minister to talk to- my h treats me fine-lovemaking is more than fine- is there something I can ask him to tell me or say to me that will mke me feel better??? thanks......

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my h treats me fine-lovemaking is more than fine- is there something I can ask him to tell me or say to me that will mke me feel better??? thanks...... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ruth,

I am in a similar place. It has been about a month since D-day for me, and each day is a struggle. Grasp whatever gestures you can from your H and tell him you need more. If he wants to help you through this, he will try. Personally, every assurance my W gives me helps, and like you, I just wish she would do much more.

As to the bedroom, like you I find that our sex life is better than ever before, and I can't really figure that one out. However, I'm not looking a gift-horse in the mouth, so to speak, since it is one of the few areas we are not struggling with now. So perhaps you can take joy in that as often as you and your H can make the time.

Don

I believe the reason for the good sex in my opinion is because we are marking our territory again. We went through the same thing. Its called the Honeymoon period. You are reestablishing yourselves with each other I think its very normal. Its great while it lasts so enjoy it. I'm in recovery 2 yrs. and 4 mos. now. You are both making each other feel important, which is the reason for most affairs. If you don't make your S feel important, then someone else will. I think thats what its all about.

stephaus10 - I know it may not mean much, but you are at the very early stages and every day seems fraught with thoughts that dwell on the affair, fear, lack of trust, pain, uncertainty, etc. If if helps at all, these are normal to all of us. We've been through the same thing. There is little more devastating to your emotions and sense of who you are than an affair from someone we gave our heart and soul to.

I am extremely encouraged that you are in joint counseling with your pastor. I hope that he is trained in biblically based marriage counseling, because if he is, your recovery will be based on obediently submitting to God's commands, even on those days when you "don't feel like it".

As for the trust issue. Trust is gone. "Blind trust" is gone forever. But the good news is that trust can be rebuilt. It is "earned" when the actions of our spouse back up their words. It is "given" when you reach the point that can open yourself up to further disappointment knowing that God will be directing your marriage as you walk in obedience to him and will get you through any "backsliding".

One thing that our MC (also a pastor) told me on this issue early on (I believe it was our 2nd MC session) when we talked about the lack of trust issue was: "You need to give her your trust UNLESS she gives you REASON to not trust her". This was difficult, but it was the beginning of reestablishing trust. She also needed to trust that I COULD learn to trust her again.

Having said that, for 2 months after we began recovery there were sporadic recontacts with the OM. At first, it was withdrawal symptoms. Then it became her, I know this will sound wierd, her concern that he was "doing alright" with her ending their affair.

Each time that there was contact, I found out about it because I was still in my "trust, but verify" mode. Each time, I went back into that "empty pit in the stomach" feeling. Each time we discussed that NO CONTACT means just that, No Contact ever again..for life. I made it clear that was one boundary that I was non-negotiable on. Each time, she expressed remorse and a feeling of "I don't know why I did that". Each time, I began the trust, but verify, again. Finally, the contact ended as she progressed along the recovery timeline. Today (5.5 months after we began) I trust her and have had no reason to not trust her. Yes, there remains occasional days when Satan likes to tickle me with fears, but I know that God is in control and is molding our marriage into a marriage that will honor Him.

It's not easy. Your fears can attack you every day. They can be triggered by all sorts of things. But, if the two of you are leaning on God for support and guidance, KNOW that God is faithfull to ALL of His promises to those who walking in obedient submission to His will through Jesus Christ. I "give" you the verse that has gotten me through the initial very turbulent times and is still the "rock" that I lean on....Phil. 4:13. You CAN do anything by allowing Christ to provide the strength that you don't have on your own.

God bless. As you move along the recovery path, why don't you join a bunch of us on the Recovery Board. Lot's of great folks there who are willing to listen to you and will try to help you as you have questions, fears, and as you progress through the months.

Foreverhers,

Thank you so much. It gives me hope to know that you have made it this long.Yesterday was his first day at work since I found out on Thursday. He was in meetings all day. Today is the real test for me, He is actually in the field today. He is in sales and she works for one of his businesses. He said that he will not be visiting there when she is there. I have wholeheartedly handed this over to God. He is the one that will take care of all of this. I have had to come to realize that if God can forgive then I certainly can. Once again I want to say thank you and I will be visiting the recovery board.

Stephanie

Dear Steph,

I am sure that you are still in shock over what has happened to your world. I know I was. Yes, the I love you's to the OW are the worst. In fact my h made the mistake of telling me that he only said love ya to ow. For the next week everytime he said love ya to me i got physically ill. I finally told him that saying love ya to me was a no no. I told him when he said it to me i got very angry and thought, thats what you say to her you &)*(#&%# thats not love thats insanity. I think he finally got the message when i started saying it back in the same tone he said it. Boy that shoe on the other foot sometimes hurts doesn't it. I hope for you that you can move past this. I won't tell you its easy, but it is possible. S

Dear Steph,

I feel so bad for you, i found out about my H's A by finding an e-mail that he had written her, words like "You are the one for me", "reading your card gets me through my days", "I love you", they devastated me, and for weeks (this happened in April) and still today I am haunted by those words, they are just words i haven't heard. His was over by the time i found out, and unfortunately we are now separated. We spent the summer trying to recover, but he couldn't forget what he did, he also felt that he still had some lingering feelings for her and that upset him. He has moved out on his own, and although we maintain a wonderful relationship and i am still hoping for the best, he is not dealing with it. I am left in the dark as to where his feelings are. I will give some advice to you and your H, deal with it by learning to understand it, don't just try to put it away. Your H needs to understand why this happened as much as you do, if you do this you will be on the road to recovery, i wish we had done it properly. I am learning more about A's and although i cannot understand the deception i am understanding how they can come to happen.

Good luck--let us know how you are doing...

well. yesterday was 3 weeks for the withdrawl period. what exactly is the withdrawl period?? He couldn't hold up his end of the bargain yesterday- the verify part- so I finally called his work....and he did have a vacation day. It was his birthday. I was home setting the table and baking the cake- wrapping the gifts and he was???????? he INSISTS he was ALONE-nneded a day ALONE and that where he was is NONE of my business.... but hes insisted many things recently that were blatant lies. the 3 weeks were GREAT- honeymoon barely describes that. I called the OW work and she had called out sick. Now I am in ''I am an idiot'' land again.....he came home for the party of our families to celebrate him- I started taking xanax that day- now its been 2 days of silent treatment to me unless there are other people with us- he will not talk/decide ANYTHING- I am looking for the magic words to get him to WAKE THE HECK UP - please help- we have a very simple but busy life and he is about to ''kill'' alot of people and why can't he see...it ain't all about him?? I am losing my mind......

Ruth, I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I wish I knew what to tell you but unfortunatly I don't. I just found out last Thursday that my husband was having an affair. He has told me that he is very sorry and he only wants me. I question him all of the time. I have no answers whatsoever. I will tell you that I will be praying for you and your H. I hope it gets better soon.

Stephanie

LEAVING THE CITY OF REGRET

I had not really planned on taking a trip this time of year, and yet, I found myself packing rather hurriedly. This trip was going to be unpleasant and I knew in advance that no real good would come of it. I'm talking about my annual "Guilt Trip".

I got tickets to fly there on "WISHIHAD" airlines. It was an extremely short flight. I got my baggage, which, I could not check. I chose to carry it myself all the way. It was weighted down with a thousand memories of what might have been.

No one greeted me as I entered the terminal to the Regret City International Airport. I say international because people from all over the world come to this dismal town. As I checked into the Last Resort Hotel, I noticed that they would be hosting the year's most important event, the Annual Pity Party.

I wasn't going to miss that great social occasion. Many of the towns leading citizens would be there. First, there would be the Done family, you know, Should Have, Would Have and Could Have. Then came the I Had family. You probably know ol' Wish and his clan. Of course, the Opportunities would be present, Missed and Lost. The biggest family would be the Yesterday's. There are far too many of them to count, but each one would have a very sad story to share. Then Shattered Dreams would surely make an appearance. And It's Their Fault would regale us with stories (excuses) about how things had failed in his life, and each story would be loudly applauded by Don't Blame Me and I Couldn't Help It.

Well, to make a long story short, I went to this depressing party knowing that there would be no real benefit in doing so. And, as usual, I became very depressed. But as I thought about all of the stories of failures brought back from the past, it occurred to me that all of this trip and subsequent "pityparty" could be canceled by ME!

I started to realize that I did not have to be there. I didn't have to be depressed. One thing kept going through my mind, "I can't change yesterday, but I do have the power to make today a wonderful day".

I can be happy, joyous, fulfilled, encouraged, as well as encouraging. Knowing this, I left the city of Regret immediately and left no forwarding address.

Am I sorry for the mistakes I've made in the past? YES! But there is no physical way to undo them.

So, if you are planning a trip to the city of Regret, please cancel all your reservations now.

Instead, take a trip to a place called Starting Again. I liked it so much that I have now taken up permanent residence there. My neighbors, the I Forgive Myself and the New Starts are so very helpful.

By the way, you don't have to carry around heavy baggage, because the load is lifted from your shoulders upon arrival. You too, can find this new town, ust ask the Lord to show you the way. Now I live on ICANDOIT street.