First, I neglected my wife, spending hours with the kids not her. Second, I suspect an affair, lots of calls to this guy, a suggestive note, sometimes stays out late after working with him. I don't want to derail our progress. Should I confront or just win her over?

Antman,

Welcome to MB. The answer to your question, is not that simple. First you should consider the info on this site. Please read the concepts section above, take the emotional needs questionnaire, find the book : His needs/Her needs. Consult with a good MC (preferably one familar with MB principals) or even do phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer.

You will need to get some strength and tenure behind you before you tackle your question. More than likely there is an A. EA or PA is the next question with more questions to follow.

Take the time to read and learn. It will help you make wise decisions for you and your family.

take care,
L.

It sounds as though your wife is either having an EA or PA from your post. I would ask her how she feels about the present state of your marriage and, based upon her response, go from there. If she feels negelcted, which is a very real possibility based upon your post, the answer may be that she needs more of your time and attention. We all need to have our emotional needs met, which is a concept that is detailed in Dr. Harley's books. The question then becomes who will meet your wife's emotional needs, you or the other man. If she is involved in an EA only at this point, and is willing to recover your marriage, count your blessings. Many of us here did not find out about our spouse's affair until it had turned into a PA. If your wife has already started a PA with the other man, then get ready for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life. If this is the case, do not make any hasty chioces about divorce. In short, see how your wife feels and allow the dust time to settle before any long-lasting choices are made. Your wife may or may not want to rebuild your marriage, so be ready for a lot of confusion and pain. The first step in recovery is taking the other man out of the equation, which your wife may not be willing to do at this point in time. Read Dr. Harley's book on how to survive an affair. This book will provide a lot of insight on how affairs happen, how to rebuild your marriage and how to recover from the pain. My marriage is stronger now than before the affair was discovered, so recovery is possible.