My life partner of 3 years has been caught by me in an affair with a married Korean woman who wants (or says to him ) to leave her husband and have a baby with my partner. I caught them the day after MY brother moved in with us because he is marrying my partner's sister (I know, weird situation) I am disabled and was not working which was fine since my partner knew this before hand and was fine with it, until the past few months. We are all living under the same house, and this is very difficult. My partner was taking too many pain killers, muscle relaxer, and a anti-depressant, acting strangely and becoming emotionally unavailable in our partnership. He now says he did not mean for this to happen but that he loves this woman, and wants to father her chil because God has made this happen and it's spiritual. He has crushed our families because he thinks all this is rational and we are the ones that have the problem, he has stopped paying for my medical bills or anything else we have occurred together, he works full time and goes to school and spends all the time with her he can, he says they have not gotten physical yet because she is married to am american and is afraid. The husband I gather does not know, but my partner works with his brother. She wants my partner to take her to a lawyer to make sure she will not get deported, so they may have their love child and be happy ever after. This is so bizarre that I am in shock and have no conception of a plan. I moved from another state to be with this man 3 years ago with everything out on the table as to my commitment and he committed to me. I did not know that he would have ever gone and done something like this. But he has, and I feel that finances, and his inability to understand that love is bills, sickness, and commitment is love it is how we choose to approach them that counts. He has made our relationship an albatross around his neck because he loves the "utopian feeling" he has with this woman who he says transcends him above anything he has experienced with me. (Which I have heard that before myself) I am totally as of this moment dependant on him and was not prepared for this nor ever saw this coming. He knew my brother was moving here to be with his sister who lives with us, now they are in the middle of this and we all feel like we were in a car wreck and my partner was driving and he was the only one with an airbag and seatbelt. I am a very spiritual woman, but this is alot to contend with. Please advise me as to how to approach this.

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 10:55 PM: Message edited by: Neesha ]</small>

I may have to get back to you about any real thoughts I might have about your situation. I did want to welcome you to MB. It's a wonderful site with lots of information. READ, READ, READ.

Off the top of my head, I'd like to say that you're in a bad situation as you are dependent upon this man at this time. The first item of business is to find out what resources you have available to decrease this dependency. Check local services for what is available in your area.

Are you on SSI? I know this can be very difficult to start, but you might want to look into it.

I understand that you feel that this man is your life's partner...but, at the moment, he's not being a partner to you. Much depends on what you wish to happen as to what you should do. Can you forgive, do you want a chance to rebuild your relationship?

Whatever happens, I wish you peace on your healing path.

Thank you for your reply, yes I can forgive, alot of life lessons has brought me to that conclusion, but I have always been that type of person. I will apply for SSI but was avoiding that since we had made agreements for me to attend online education classes to get another career going that I could do from home. I had lost my specialized career when I became disabled, but I intend fully to re-enter the workforce. The past 3 years have been spent taking care of our home, his emotional ups and downs with his schooling and work, and his ability to panic at every bit of daily life that happens. But I thought growth would have occured as he got nearer to finishing his degree and that he is a 38 year old man that had integrity, as misguided as it has become. It is like I am staring at a stranger and I have never been the delusional type that overlooks certain things that might be painful to view. I just thought we were more committed and strong enough to work thru anything. I don't think he can lift his fog to see anything other than this new life, and he never even wanted children as he knew that I was not able after the surgery and chemo. This child thing was right out of the blue.

Update, I found out the MWH found out and he called here looking for H. Now H says they are not seeing each other but I know otherwise, he is very irrational and angry and disrespectful when he is in house to me especially. I stay positive and try not to bother him. The tension is so thick in here it's oppressing. He says now that he will move out even though it IS HIS HOUSE, and he has stopped paying medical bills for me or buying food , anything, he has given that responsibility to his sister and my brother. He also says he is going to go to lawyer to see what can be done for the MW he is in love with to keep her in the country so she will not get deported when she leaves her husband. He is so disrespectful but I am not going to be that way. For the last 3 years I have been taking care of our family in all other ways except financially and they still have to be taken care of. We have no children, we have 5 dogs and 4 parrots. He never wanted to have kids and I could not have them because of hysterectomy. But now all this woman says now is how she wants to give him a baby and NOW he wants kids. He says he is ready to become a dad, HE CAN'T even take care of his dog!! Sorry for the venting, it's just such a surreal experience that it takes all the strength and faith in God to see me thru this. So since he thinks she will be sent back to Korea if she leaves her husband he panics and concentrates only on her and him and the future. I really need some support here as you all know my situation. I am contacting as many social services as I can, but that takes a long time, in the mean time I can not go to doctors, because he never paid anything on bills. I know God never gives you more than you can handle, but I'm feeling a little bit overwhelmed. I just keep reading all the posts here that give me the strength I need to get thru this.

Initially, I just want to say how sorry I am you are travelling this road. I offer you a big HUG first.

I seldom visit this board, and have not been on the Hartley Plan (maybe I should have).

I want to approach the legalities of your situation. I agree with the poster who said you should find out what help you can receive (outside of your H) to work towards independance.

Secondly, he cannot just stop aiding you financially because he has found another. Marriage incurs obligations, both moral and legal. He can do what he wants on t he moral side, but legally he can't just "do his thing". See about getting legal aid, and find out what your rights are. Do this quickly, so that no stops are taken that are difficult to recover if they are made in error.

One more comment, he believes he has found a spiritual mate, and that God wants this. GOD DOES NOT WANT THIS. What a lousy way to honor God, by using him as his "excuse". God is frowning on him now, first for the infidelity, and then for his shoddy treatment of you, and his cruel lack of financial responsibility.

And you can tell him I said that !

Take very good care of yourself please.

Thank-You for your reply, I might have misrepresented the fact, he can do anything he wants to because we never legally sealed the marriage on paper, (I know, naive and foolish on my part) But we made vows to each other and I thought that it was as if the paper had been signed. Yes, how wrong and foolish I was. But these 3 years with all the ups and downs, not once did I (NOT) take our vows seriously. I was not living the "renters" life with him. So, live and learn I guess. It really makes no difference, if he is choosing not to see the "light" in the dense fog he exists in. He only needs to walk towards it, but he resists it. Nothing I can do or say will change that.

update, I am getting harrassing phone calls, by the OWS, and as I told him, I'm not to blame so why threaten me. I do not really speak to mate, as he avoids me at all cost, he would not even stay for a birthday gathering we had for his nephew this past Sunday. He comes and goes. Gets early and does not return until after his shift ends. He sleeps in another part of the house and does not socialize with sister, my brother, or myself. He has told sister he is moving out as soon as he finds a place, which we all feel will happen, as he wanted to dump all financial responsibilities on us. I do not bother him, and only am polite, that is how I feel adults should act. I am so glad I found this site, it's been very helpful. Now, Thanksgiving is coming, I assume he will not be here for that either, but that's just the way it has to be for him, I guess. Thanks for listening.