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Please help! My W got drunk and contacted OM after she agreed to stop contact and sent letter to OM. She told me, and said it won't happen again, but I am having trouble believing her. She initially claimed that this affair was simply a PA, but is now changing story and it is obvious that both love and sex were involved. What should I do? Now that she's blown the letter, I don't know how she can reassure me again.

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dcr:

I can see from your sig line that this is all new 2 you. When you say D-day was last month, is that for all three OM? Or were there previous D-days? Also, it's possible 2 have multiple As and not be a "serial cheater", but this might indicate a sexual addiction, which should be addressed by a good therapist.

In any case, 2 answer your question: Trust will take a while 2 restore, a lot longer than a month. And it's not surprising that she broke her NC agreement this soon after D-day. It might happen again, so be prepared for it (just as she's going 2 have 2 be prepared for you LBing in reaction 2 it).

Most imporantly, try 2 give her some credit here: She TOLD YOU about contact. Think about it. It might have been a lot easier for her NOT 2 tell you, right? So she gets a few points for trying 2 be honest...

all my best,

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Thanks 2long. Sometimes it just helps to know others have been there, done that. To clarify my signature, D-day happened once (last month) and I found out about 2 other affairs I didn't know about in addition to the one I knew about that was still in progress.

I am trying to give her due credit for telling me, but I would have found out anyway. She used our cellphone and I've been checking the records for his number (she knows this).

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Well, do give her credit for telling you. Most will avoid the telling of truth, until the very last minute.

She needs to be wary of drinking. Most of us find that drinking only adds to the problems. It's most difficult to do the sensible thing, when we are in-sensible.

She needs to do whatever is necessary to give you full access to her heretofore "private" life. Now while this is a false sense of security, as any WS can get around it, it does help us nevertheless. Plus any roadblocks that are erected to avoid contact is a benefit.

Don't be too sure that there was real love involved...if there had been she'd likely not be with you, but with him, and even if she was that isn't a sure sign. BUT...there are emotional issues that must be dealt with during withdrawal. Read upon them.

Keep trying to met her EN and create a safe environment for sharing with you. Use Plan A whenever possible and LB as seldom as you can.

Good Luck!

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I did give her credit for it, but only after chewing her out (I know, I know - big LB - I did apologize). I guess it was unrealistic to expect that she'd honor the NC agreement without any slip ups. I just don't know if I have the resources to deal with a more major mistake, and I'm not really sure where the NC agreement stands at this point.

My main problem now is that she is up for a big promotion at work and they want her to travel all over the place and these plans happen at the last moment. I want her to get the promotion, but I am having difficulty trusting her (OM 1 and 2 were one-night stands during travel). Besides, when she leaves I feel very lonely and have difficulty suppressing intrusive thoughts about the affairs.

I feel that essentially, she believes that the affairs were my fault (I certainly set up the conditions, but that's all I will take credit for), and she is sending me signals that I'd better not make restrictions like wanting her not to travel or else suffer the consequences (i.e., another affair). Realizing that she would need to travel, I asked her to invite me to go on these trips when we discussed reconciliation. She has already been on one without inviting me, and she didn't extend the invitation on the upcoming one either.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dcr:
<strong>I feel that essentially, she believes that the affairs were my fault (I certainly set up the conditions, but that's all I will take credit for)</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have thought a lot about how I maybe contributed to the conditions that led my wife to have an A. No matter what the BS did or did not do, the WS chose the violate the M vows and have an A.

I accept that I was not meeting all of her emotional needs. But, I get tired of people telling me that I helped create the environment that led to the A. If I am guilty of that, then its because of two things. First, between my job and raising two sons, I am a busy man. I work my [censored] off trying to provide a nice house, save for our sons' college, and provide for our future. Up until our children were in school full time, my W never worked and even then, only a couple of days a week. We decided when we had kids that it would be better for her to be a full time mom. So I took on the full financial burden for out family, and I met that challenge. Now, because I take my responsibilities to my family seriously, there are those who say its my fault her ENs were not being met. Second, if her ENs were not being met, who is more responsible, me for not meeting them, or her for not telling me I was not meeting her needs. Sure, I noticed that something seemed to be bothering her, but when I asked, she always said she was fine, or just tired, or something similar. I was never given the chance to meet her needs before she gave someone else the opportunity.

The point is this. You did not cause the affair. Its b**ls**t for her to even suggest it. You also are not responsible for setting up the conditions that led to the affair, unless she told you that there were problems, and you did nothing to change.

Michael

Me 39(40 soon, yuck!)
FWW 38
M 18
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC

<small>[ November 12, 2002, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: MichaelinDallas ]</small>

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The point is this. You did not cause the affair. Its b**ls**t for her to even suggest it. You also are not responsible for setting up the conditions that led to the affair, unless she told you that there were problems, and you did nothing to change. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ah, well, you hit the nail on the head with that one. To be fair to her, she did try to let me know I wasn't meeting her EN, but I didn't really understand what she was talking about at the time. So, because I failed to truly listen and make the changes, I did play a role in setting the conditions. I don't accept the blame for the affair, however. That was her choice. She could have chosen otherwise (e.g., suggest MC, which definitely would have gotten my full attention). I suspect that she was having the affairs in part to emotionally distance herself from me and that she wanted me to find out and ask for a divorce. I think she is conflicted now that I've asked for us to repair the marriage instead of kicking her out.

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MiD:

"I accept that I was not meeting all of her emotional needs. But, I get tired of people telling me that I helped create the environment that led to the A. "

Sorry, but I'm going 2 say it again: YOU helped create the environment that led 2 the A. I don't care if you're tired of it. Do you want 2 "survive" it with a healthy M, or not? (you don't have 2 answer).

Yes, we BSs are responsible for whatever our share of the disenchantment with the M was.

No, we're not responsible for other peoples' decisions, including decisions 2 have As. We are only responsible for what we do.

Likewise, the WS is not responsible for OUR happiness. That's our responsibility.

All the other stuff, about working your [censored] off and paying all the bills so she could be a SAHM are completely irrelevant, ...well 2 the extent that they meet only the EN for financial support. My M was pretty... ...well, it was "okay" or so I thought, and yet my W had 2 As with the same OM in 12 years, and never told me about them (I found out myself in January).

We went through the "blame-fest" that you both are going through right now for the first 7 months since D-day. It got neither of us anywhere. Now we're each taking responsibility for OUR OWN choices over the course of our M, and I think we're going 2 make it.

Remember, if your M was peachy, there wouldn't have been an A. Think about it. Then act.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 2long:
<strong>Sorry, but I'm going 2 say it again: YOU helped create the environment that led 2 the A. I don't care if you're tired of it. Do you want 2 "survive" it with a healthy M, or not? (you don't have 2 answer).

Yes, we BSs are responsible for whatever our share of the disenchantment with the M was.

No, we're not responsible for other peoples' decisions, including decisions 2 have As. We are only responsible for what we do.

Likewise, the WS is not responsible for OUR happiness. That's our responsibility.

All the other stuff, about working your [censored] off and paying all the bills so she could be a SAHM are completely irrelevant, ...well 2 the extent that they meet only the EN for financial support. My M was pretty... ...well, it was "okay" or so I thought, and yet my W had 2 As with the same OM in 12 years, and never told me about them (I found out myself in January).

Remember, if your M was peachy, there wouldn't have been an A. Think about it. Then act.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You said something I agree with. I am responsible for my own happiness. Does that not apply to my FWW? If she was unhappy in our M, does she not share equal responsibility? Could she not have told me she was not having all her needs met?

Tell me, what was I supposed to do? Anytime I sensed there was something bugging my W, I asked what was wrong. I tried to talk to her about us, but she always blew it off, saying nothing is wrong. Am I supposed to be a mind reader?

Having said that, I do understand that I was not meeting all of her ENs. But, I don't accept responsibility for it. Relationships are a two way street. Same thing for communications. If someone has needs that are not being met, then you need to speak up!!

So, sorry, but I disagree with you. I have always tried, and will always try to meet my Ws ENs. Thats one reason I felt so betrayed by all this. If I was falling down on the job somewhere along the way, I should have been told so. You would not fire an employee who is doing a bad job without first telling them they are not meeting your expectations, and giving them a chance to improve. Does a spouse deserve any less?

Michael

Me 39(40 soon, yuck!)
FWW 38
M 18
Two S's
A began Jan 01
D Day Jun 01
In MC

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MiD:

"You said something I agree with. I am responsible for my own happiness. Does that not apply to my FWW?"

Yes, it does apply. Your FWW is responsible for HER happiness. Not you.

"If she was unhappy in our M, does she not share equal responsibility?"

Absolutely!

"Could she not have told me she was not having all her needs met?"

This is a tough one. My W ac2ally BELIEVES she told me this, many times in the past 12 years. But I remember "hints", at best, never "I'm unhappy with you so I'm having an A with Rat Meat". So, why didn't she tell me the truth? I don't know. Maybe she "couldn't". She certainly felt, and still feels, that it wasn't doing her any good and/or it was 2 hard.

"Tell me, what was I supposed to do? Anytime I sensed there was something bugging my W, I asked what was wrong. I tried to talk to her about us, but she always blew it off, saying nothing is wrong. Am I supposed to be a mind reader?"

Very much the same thing I experienced the WHOLE TIME. No, you are not supposed 2 be a mind reader. She SHOULD be honest with you. But my W didn't feel "comfortable" or, as they say on MB, "safe" with me. Why was that? I have never been abusive, verbally or physically. And yet my W felt mistreated. Psychological abuse? Not that I'm aware of. A lot of little issues from BOTH of us that mushroomed out of proportion in both of our minds? Probably.

"Having said that, I do understand that I was not meeting all of her ENs. But, I don't accept responsibility for it. Relationships are a two way street."

I don't understand these statements. They sound contradictory. So, you realize you were not meeting all her needs, but you won't take responsibility for this lack? Yes, relationships are a 2 way street, but they should NOT be based on expectations.

"Same thing for communications. If someone has needs that are not being met, then you need to speak up!!"

Most definitely! Only it is clear 2 me now that my W didn't feel "safe" doing so, or maybe she didn't really understand what needs weren't being met and why.

"So, sorry, but I disagree with you. I have always tried, and will always try to meet my Ws ENs. Thats one reason I felt so betrayed by all this."

Same here!

"If I was falling down on the job somewhere along the way, I should have been told so."

I was told, just not clearly. That's just as frustrating.

"You would not fire an employee who is doing a bad job without first telling them they are not meeting your expectations, and giving them a chance to improve. Does a spouse deserve any less?"

Sorry, but a spouse doesn't "deserve" squat. I've learned that if I take responsibility for my own happiness, and let my W take responsibility for hers, and I love her unconditionally for who she is and let her "feel that love" from me, our M is recovering. The best thing about MB and also unconditional love, is that honesty and openness are fundamental requirements. An A precludes honesty by definition. It can't last.

My approach (sort of a combination of Plan A and unconditional love) has been no "magic bullet" approach, but it is working in my sitch.

Hope4future used 2 always tell me, when I was in a mess: "Hope all you want, just don't expect." Expectations are controlling. If you give without expectations, you will be rewarded. BOTH of you.


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