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#418705 11/11/02 10:40 PM
Joined: Nov 2002
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Yesterday was, without a doubt, the worst day of my life. Well, maybe today is. It all started late the night before last while I was at work. You see, my partner for seven years had worked that day and was not scheduled to be off until I had left to go to work myself. That in itself is not unusual. Our work schedules often leave us without time to see one another. The thing that was unusual was that she did not answer the phone when I called nor did she ever call me at work. At first I thought that she was probably sleeping because she had had quite a strenuous work schedule the past couple of days; however, I soon began to think that maybe she had got into an accident or some other type of trouble after calling and calling and calling and still no answer.

After pulling my hair out wondering what was going on I called one of my best friends and asked him if he would ride by the house and see if she was there. When he got there she was not there, but her little brother was instead. My friend asked the brother if he had seen her since she got off of work and he said that he had. He told my friend that she had left to go out a couple of hours before. When I was informed of her whereabouts my heart began to sink. The reason being is that a couple of weeks before some guy had called the house and left a message at a time when she was expecting me not to be there. When I had asked her about the phone call she said that he was a co-worker whom she was friends with and that he was calling as "a friends" and just wanted to go out as "a friend". Yeah right! At the time I told her that if she wanted to go out with someone then she could go out with some girlfriends, but she didn't need to be going out with just some guy. Regardless of her intentions I knew what his were. She said that she would tell him that I was very displeased with his calling her and that he should not call again. I believed her. She would never lie to me like that. She loves me and is too much of a "good girl" to ever do something so underhanded.

Well, I'm tring to get to the point here because the more I type the more it hurts. Long story short... I left work early and went to ever hotel and club I could think of and never found her. I went to my friends house and killed time until it was about the normal time I would get home from work. I went home. She was there sleeping. She woke up and acted the way she normally acted. I tricked her into telling me that she had come home very tired and went to sleep. Man oh man was I pissed. I brought it all out and asked her where she was all night. She told me that she had gone out with a girl from work and had gotten too drunk to drive. Did I mention that I had checked the caller ID on one phone to see if there was an unusual number? Well, there wasn't... on that phone. I checked the other and there it was. She though she was being slick, but I guess she wasn't slick enough. She still insisted that she had went out with this girlfriend and that she had deleted this guy's number only because she knew that I would get upset. She said that he had called to ask her to go out, but she told him that she was going out with her friend. After some time of listening to what to me was some bull**** I told her that her story of going out with this girl wasn't possible because the girl (a manager where she works) always has to close when she works. Well, my girl had told me that she and this other girl had gone out when the other girl got off of work. The times don't fit! Something is F***ed up here! Do you think that I'm stupid!? After being caught in that lie she confessed to going out with this guy, but only for a couple of hours until the girl got off of work at which time she left and went out with her. God... I must be really stupid. I told her that no matter what she may have told this girl to say they did that I would verify her story and that I would get the REAL truth. At that point she knew that I would and could and she finally admitted to being with him all night. She had met him at the one bar in town that I didn't drive by and had left her car there when they left because she had drank too much to drive. Did I mention that he didn't even drive them to the hotel he was at because the hotel was only 100 yards away. HOW CONVIENIENT! She told me that she had no intentions of doing anything when she went out with him and a whole bunch of other ****. Why didn't you have him take you home? Why didn't you call a friend to take you home? Stop all the **** you're giving me! You had sex with him didn't you!? Pause................ That means I can't come up with another lie. It doesn't mean that I wouldn't if I had enough time... just that I can't think of one that quickly. I left and told her that I couldn't handle being there anymore. Twenty minutes later I called and she wasn't there. Later that day I came back and she was there. She said that she had went to that girls house this time because she needed a friend to talk to. I said "really... if I call her will she say the same thing?" She said yes. I wanted to beliecve her because why would she possibly try to pull off more lies. A huge part of me said that she had gone back to the hotel room because this guy had already gotten the hotel room for another night. You see, I wasn't supposed to know and I was also supposed to be at work that next night. All this **** was planned in my eyes. Even though I thought (knew) that he did in fact have the room for another night I really thought that she did go to her girlfriends house seeking some type of advice. We talked and talked... she told me how sorry she was and that she wished it never had happened... she really only had intentions of going out as friends... blah blah ****ing blah. I decided that I would try my best to get over what had happened because after all that woman does mean more to me than anything in the world.

I almost finished so please bare with me. I also would like to apologize for my wording and grammar; but frankly, I don't care about that right now. Anyway, on my way to work tonight I decided to call her girlfriend to see how upset my girlfried had been when they talked. Guess What! Yeah... that's right. She never had even seen her that day. My girlfriend wasn't even smart enough to call her friend and have her lie. She did go back to the hotel even though I had asked her if she had and if he had the room for another night. Sometimes it really sucks being right. Well, that's where it stand now. I'm at work and she doesn't even know that I have caught her in yet another malicious lie. I don't know what to do. I still love her, but a huge part of me really hates her guts now. Even more so with this last lie. Before this lie I was willing to try. Now I'm not so sure. I know that I am the only person who can make this decision, but I would still appreciate some advice. I like to think of myself as a man's man, but I feel pretty small right now. Thank you for listening.

#418706 11/12/02 12:47 AM
Joined: Nov 1999
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I don't know that I am particularly qualified to give advice, but you might ask yourself a few questions. Love is all well and good and I wouldn't choose to be without it, but it isn't enough - for most of us it just isn't.

Do you like this person? Do you enjoy their conversation, their humour?

Do you trust this person? Can you rely on them to keep your interests in mind?

Do you want to have children with this person?

Do you like the way this person interacts with their family - parents, siblings?

Do you and this person have similar religious beliefs, convictions?

Do you have similar life goals - big house, live in the country, travel, whatever?

These are questions I would ask my sons if they were serious about a woman. That in sickness and health, for richer or poorer, may sound like empty lines but that's what life is. Bad stuff is going to happen to both of you (in all probability) and it's a lot easier to bear the job loss, the cancer, the demented parent, the rebellious teen, the ADD child, not to mention the plumbing etc., if you can trust your spouse.

Gee - was that advice?

#418707 11/12/02 06:44 AM
Joined: Nov 2002
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While I don't feel qualified to give you any real advice, I can offer my empathy because your story touched a familiar chord inside of me.

I think hanora had some good questions you may need to be asking yourself.

Also, if you don't get to the root of your partner's and your problems, this will probably happen again.

I'm concerned about the lies because now you are suffering from broken trust, and without her total honesty and willingness to admit her mistake and work on your relationship, you will most likely worry every time she goes out the door about who she's with. From personal experience, once that trust is broken, unless she's accounting for all her time, it's going to be extremely difficult to get it back.

If only we could turn back the hands of time....we could spend more time together filling each others love banks, spending our recreational time together, being the friends we once were to each other...

Keep posting and take care of yourself. I know you love her, I love my h. But I am learning that it's not enough to love somebody with all your heart. They have to love you back just as much. I can tell you this, if you take care of yourself, don't lose your self respect over this, you will have a lot more to offer to her.

#418708 11/12/02 09:41 PM
Joined: Jul 2002
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You are getting good advice. Think about whether you want to be on a emotional rollercoaster and playing detective for the next 20 years. My advice is to move on and find a normal woman who shows by her action that she believes in commitment and loyalty.


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