I suspected my husband of 16 years (been together for 22 yrs come April 03) has been having an affair. Yesterday morning he finally admitted it. Said he couldn't continue lieing. Then he moved out! We have to kids, boy 9 and girl 13. They don't know yet. Plan on telling them together Saturday. Not now, while in the middle of the schoolweek. Not letting him off the hook. Let the kids ask HIM questions and let him face the music! Yes, he moved in with her! She works with him. He says everything is my fault. My fault I didn't return to work when he wanted. My fault he's had to work more overtime and not be home, however, he's lied about the amount of overtime he's worked ... fit in his affair and always blamed me for him only getting 3 hrs of sleep a day. Blaming me for working o/t and not being able to spend time with the kids or me.
I love him dearly and he "said" he no longer loves me. I want to work this out ... to forgive him but don't know if he's ready to end it with her! She has 2 kids also but I don't know if their ages or if they even live with her. He's taken things with him over the past 2 days. Clothes, shoes, personal items, exercise equipment, plus almost all of "our" backpacking gear! Most of this was done without my knowledge and sneakily. He "says" he plans on keeping the house $130,000. and the kids and I live in it to keep some normalcy for the kids. Don't know how he can pull this off leaving with her. Won't she want $$$ from him too? He won't have any if he has to pay our mortgage and bills and none leftover for him. I want to forgive him as I dearly love him and know we've obviously not had enough time for each other. I want him back. I don't want to do this to the kids cause I know in my heart he still loves me even tho he says he doesn't. Need to know what you think our chances are ... he moved out in with her! He won't tell me anything except it's someone he works with. He's a supervisor and it sounds like an employee. He finally told me what city he's living in but don't know how much to believe since he's been lieing for so long. Says it's longer than 1 month ... maybe a few months but not for a year. Won't tell me the kids ages, or if they live with them or just visit or are grown and out on their own. Said he was planning on trying to keep it together till our 13 yr old graduated but decided he had to do it now.
What are my chances?? I love him and don't want to loose him. Do I have to wait all this out? Let it go it's course?? Why now just before holidays? Sounds like she gave him an ultimatum but normally when giving him one ... lets say it doesn't normally work. I asked him not to file for a divorce right away as I wanted time. Too much time vested in our 22 years. Too much time vested in our kids - we love them dearly - I can't believe he'd do this to me let alone them. I'm not ready to toss in the towel. He says he has to wait till tax return time anyway as we don't have the funds. Please, please, please tell me my chances. Signed, Dog gone it ... I'm not ready to give up! I'm truly hoping he'll realize his mistake and return before the kids realize he's not just away on a backpacking trip!

I am so sorry that you have to seek us out, but know that this is a good place to reach out for help.

Your chances? Actually, they are pretty good. Stats say that most marriages don't end because of an affair. The not so good part is that those that don't survive often have the WS making a confession and acting on it immediately. BUT...read what is offered on this site, there is a lot of information on things you can do to get through this period in your life/marriage. It will help you...rather your marriage does indeed get back on track, or you began a new path in life.

Since we don't have much information as to what is happening in the affair from your H's POV, no details as to when, who, etc., it's kinda hard to know what advice to give. If the affair has been going on for a long while its a different type of affair then one that has just began.

Hopefully, you're H has confused being married with being tied down. It happens. The stress of everyday life may have encouraged him to look outward instead of inward for an answer to his problems. Know this...that he will not find the answer he is seeking. It's not anything you've done, or didn't do,...or what anyone else can do for him...only he has the answer...and he's looking in the wrong direction.

He's not fixing any problems, he's only creating new ones to overshadow the old ones...but he won't see this for a time...Steve Harley calls this the "fog" period of the affair.

Even though you want to save your marriage and rebuild...now is the time to get your ducks in a row and protect yourself and your children and your future. Contact a lawyer and find out your legal rights. Don't wait. You don't have to file anything, but you do need to know what your rights are in your state. Be ready to file for spousal support and child support. It's easier knowing how to do something if it comes up, then having something come up and not knowing what to do. Become informed.

<small>[ July 04, 2003, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: anchorhugger ]</small>

You need to speak with an attorney to find out your rights. This will make you feel better. You will come from a position of power. Ask around for a good one, best bet is to ask a general attorney to recommend a divorce attorney. It will cost around 100.00$, you can ask first, but this will be the best money spent. See a doc if you can't sleep. I took something for sleep and an antidepressant when I first found out. This is a great start. Next read Surviving an Affair.

My H was ready to move out too, I let him know that I was going to an attorney, that woke him up. A is now over and we are in recovery. You have a wonderful chance to recover, but start plan A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Read about LBs (love busters)

PS He is in a fog...basically aliens have kidnapped the husband you knew, he will be back when you follow Dr. Harley's plan.

Doggoneit, My story is the same as your. My husband is involved in an affair with a coworker that I once considered a friend. I am lucky to have relationships with some of his other coworkers who all have told me that this is a sick game to her. I spoke with Jennifer last night and she gave me a lot of hope explaining that affairs are run on pure emotions no logic. She explained also that like SAA explains the their love bank is overfilling but what go up will come down and LB follows. My H is angry with me and also blaiming me for his affair. I first tried to defend myself and then realized that I was causing more LB. H stated he wants a divorce and I talked him into a six month separation. H is convince the OW is his soulmate. Jennifer suggested I go to plan b and not have a little contact with him as possible. Not to punish him but to save your own emotional needs. She also suggested that I try to disconnect and work on myself by working out, taking a class, and focus and other things but H. I am learning now the tools needed to affair proof my marriage because I NEVER want to feel this pain again! Have Hope, Pray, Pray for strength.

Especially To: Just a Wifey 2002
From: Dog gone it

Thx soooo much 4 yr advice! It is soooo very much appreciated! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Question: You mentioned: "Since we don't have much infor as to what is happening in the affair from your H's POV, no details as to when, who, etc., it's kinda hard to know what advice to give. If the affair has been going on for a long while its a different type of affair then one that has just began".
H said not just a month, had to get to know this person 1st b4 moving out/in w/her. She has 2 kids but don't know ages, if they live w/her or their daddy. Says she works at his work. He's a supervisor and I have a strong feeling it's someone he works with which is not allowed either. Here he was putting a boss down for fooling around w/an employee and now he's doing the very same thing!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> He's said it's not been a year either! Not alot to go on I know. He says it's none of my business.

What's the difference in time here that you mentioned? Eager to know! U said "If the affair has been going on for a long while its a different type of affair then one that has just began". Is mine one you refer to as one that just began? Or seems long enug to be going on for a long while? Please help shed light.

I love him so much, I admit to not having enuf time for each other and not fulfilling each others needs properly. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It's totally true! But after 22 yrs together, married for 16, engaged for 4 yrs b4 married and even lived together for a couple ... hard to plan a marriage from the west coast to take place on the east coast. But we were soooooo in love. I want that back sooooo much, don't know if he does. Says he no longer loves me but know deep in my heart he does. He's supposed to come by tomorrow and talk while the kids are at school. I have 1 home sick now - girl age 13 - sick for 1 week - is MUCH better! And 1 her home due to parent/teacher conferences - boy age 9. It would be wonderful that he realize his mistake of moving out and the affair (which he already admitted to, not wanting to lie anymore, etc. and move back home before the kids realize he's not just out backpacking. Which by the way he's taken alot of his clothes, personal items and some exercise equipment. PLUS he's taken almost ALL of "OUR" backpacking equipment. I left a long message on his cell phone I don't appreciate him sneaking in and taking things without my knowledge <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> ... or so it seems. And I do NOT want him to use or share ANYTHING that is ours jointly with her or her kids!!! He even took 4 thermarest pads and sleeping bags. I do not want that woman using "OUR" things and especially sleeping or doing the cha cha in MY sleeping bag!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
Yes, venting here.
Thank you sooooooo my for your response and for listening!!! Gentle Hugs!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Doggoneit,

I'm so sorry for your reason to join us, but you've come to the right place. There is a lot of support, caring and good advice here at MB.

The first thing you have to remember is that your WH's affair is NOT your fault, regardless of his blaming it on you. An affair is his way of dealing with his feelings, not what you may or may not have been responsible for. Yes, it takes two make or break a marriage, but when one spouse has an affair in response to what they feel they are not getting from the relationship, it is simply a coward's way out. Believe me, I've been on both sides of the fence--been both the coward and the betrayed spouse. By far, the pain of the BS is much greater.

Since discovering my FWH's affair in July, and also his confessing that he is a long-term sex addict, I've read and read until I can read no more. I've learned so much. One thing I've read more than once is that a short-term affair (less than 6 months to a year,) is more likely to end permanently with less damage to the marriage than a long-term affair of over a year. Without your husband telling you exactly how long this has been going on, your big question there remains unanswered. I wish I could help you more with that question. My FWH's recent affair was of less than a month's duration. However, his SA has been going on much longer. The previous SA behavior is not as scary as the affair, which included emotion. We are in recovery now; he and I both want to save the marriage.

I think your WH will be in for somewhat of an eye-opening experience when he lives with the OW on a day-to-day basis. Her "clay feet" will show up--something he has not yet seen. An affair is an experience of living a fantasy. That's where the fog comes in. The OW appears to be the answer to all his problems and pain. That's because his time with her is a "time out," or a "recess" from his real life and the struggles that he perceives in the marraige. He needs time to figure that out, but living with her full-time will speed the process.

Read everything you can find on MB, including Basic Concepts, and the boards. I have gained a lot of insight and comfort from the postings here--there are a lot of old-timers who can give you invaluable advice. Just a Wifey 2002 is one of those members!

If your WH won't get into counseling, by all means, you find an IC that you trust. You need to try to keep yourself emotionally balanced. Counseling can help you do this.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Take care,
my move

Doggoneit,

In sharing you have helped me with your experience in this very hard time.

You mentioned that your H told you about the A because he was tired of the lies and you also think the OW may have given him pressure to make the choice. Can you think of anything else that encouraged your H to tell you about the A?

I'm trying to create an environment at my home with my W so that she can tell me about any contact she has with her ex-boyfriend. Looking back over the time period when you started suspecting an A is there anything you would like to have done differently that might help others bring an A into the light?

TrueSelf

Hi TrueSelf!

It's so nice to talk with someone is going thru the same pain.

He said he didn't want to tell me and planned on not telling me until our oldest chid (13) graduated from High School. Both our kids have ADHD, however, "presently, and have been" are doing wonderful in school. They're on Ritalin and this helps them focus to get things done, etc. Son/age 9 has always been on the honor roll, all A's and B's. Daughter/13 - same but she's also in the gifted program, taking all advaned classes since 3rd grade. Presently in 8th. High School next year. She's a straight A student, and has been, even tho all classes are advanced/honor classes. I'm sooooo afraid their grades will drop because they're loosing their daddy ... as a family in one house. They WILL blame themselves! No matter how many times me or a counselor tell them it's not their fault. My H and I are supposed to get together tomorrow during school, to talk. Then he comes back sometime Satuday to face the music. To help tell the kids and answer their questions. Hope this will kill him! Not literally tho. Hoping it will be enuf of an eye opener to bring him back. Kids went thru an very tramatic experience back in '99 and they blamed themselves. Even tho it was another adult at fault. We pulld thru it. My H blames be even tho I didn't know what was going on ... somehow it's still m fault. Now my husband will do more damage by what he's done.

What I don't get is he TOLD me he wasn't going to ask for a D until out oldest (13) graduated high school, or maybe it was college because our youngest (9) will have graduated high school too. This makes a little more sense. I can only guess right now, but maybe he, at the time of this decision, maybe this is what he planned, until he actually had the A. I have this STRONG feeling that she gave him an ultimatum. However, H is one that you normally don't give ultimatums. It USUALLY backfires. Maybe she said it's either her or me. Maybe she didn't like him coming home Saturday afternoons and spending the evening w/us until he returned to work (supposedly) Sunday morning till 3-4-5-6pm Sun nite. Then Sun nite with us. Even tho there was no sex. This he turned off a while ago. BUT he was working so many ungodly hours, 3rd shift at his main job then, off work around 830am, the slept in his car an hour or so till his 2nd job (part time, and totally voluntary $15 an hr, he could work when he wanted any time he wanted, same place as his main job $30 an hr) work the 2nd job 10am - 2pm. Then home 3pm, 330 or 4pm. Eat when he got home, then to bed norally by 5pm and up by 830 or 9pm and gone by 900 or 930 to start his 3rd shift/main job. He works from 10pm till about 830am at this job. He's a supervisor and I believe she's an employee ... this is a no no on the job too! But, If he'd loose his job for this I'd have no income either!

A friend of mine said something obviously happened to force his hand. I THOUGHT things were getting gradually better for us. We were just about to round the bend, then WHOALAALAA!!! I was due to start a job, haven't worked much since '96. Stay at home mom. Was going to work full time for about 90 days till we got totally back on our feet financially. Then cut back to part time like 9am to 1pm while the kids r in school. Maybe by me getting this job opened another door for him to make his move now? But I don't start till 12/2. Plus my starting hours are 530pm to 2am, so I'd pick my youngest up at school at 330, start homework, make dinner and leave by 5pm. If he's not here, they'll be alone. However, my oldest will be 14 in Feb and she could babysit. H SAYS he'll be here to take them to sports... practices, etc. However, how?? Daughter practices 6 days a week. Then games start in a month. Son practices 3 times a week, also Basketball. Plus indoor soccer start in a few weeks. He says he WANTS to do this, hasn't done it in along time cause he had to work and I did it all. BUT ... he was only working MAYBE half the Overtime he SAID he was and the other time for his affair!!! He blamed me for not working and taking time away from his kids cause HE had to work. But, it takes TIME to have an affair ... that's time he could of had with his kids!!!

Like I said, a friend really thinks there's something else to the story. Something that made him make the decision now. ESPECIALLY just weeks till the holidays!!! My friend thought maybe he got her pregnant. BUT he had a V when our son was 3... so 6 or 7 yrs ago. I've not been on any protection and I'm not PG. Unless she's PG and saying it's his????? Oh my gosh!!!!!!!!

Another word of advice from a counselor. I "thought" maybe it'd be better if he wasn't here to tell the kids as they'd be hurting soooo much. But she made me realize this was wrong. He has to face the kids and face the music. He's the one (not me) that had or is having an A, he's the one who moved out. Make HIM answer their questions, let HIM see their faces of pain, distrust, humiliaton, disbelief, being scarred, and so forth. Maybe this will be enuf to bring him back?? Enuf to bring him back to reality???? Ooooooohhhh PLEEEEEASE Bless me with his great fortune if it happens. Oh that'd be sooooo wonderful!!!

Or his health?? He was sooooo totally exhausted!!! Maybe he was tired of leading two lives. Just Monday when we were cleaning out our garage, he started it and got me into it. Then he left and went into our Master Bdrm and started packing. Unbeknownst to me! Then he got dressed to go on a bike ride. Put the Yakima rack on his car and left. Didn't ask me to go. However, he did ask me to clean the garage, WITH HIM, got me ivolved and left. Found out the next day he went and met his girlfriend and rode with her for 20 miles.

I kept asking him certain things, about his job ... telling him to have a good evening and asking how the day went and so forth. Asking things about him and what he's doing. Bet he got tired of making things up and keeping up with the lies. HE refused sex! Said he was too tired or any other reason he could come up with. Wouldn't hardly let me touch him. Whenever I was naked within his sight he wouldn't look. Or I never caught him looking. He'd put his newspaper up higher or whatever. I did gain weight. Was 98 lbs when we married. Sizes 0-3. Petite. Gained weight with 2 kids and so did he. He lost alot at the beginning of the year. It took me longer. Then found out my Thyroid was almost completely inactive. Now I've been dropping like crazy. Was a size 14-16 after 2nd child, dropped to 12. Then was 8-10 beginning of the year. Now am a size 6 and still dropping. After we had our 2nd child he'd tell me he was embarrassed to walk down the street with me... embarrassed to be seen wih me. Haven't heard that for a few years tho. My dropping weight didn't seem to matter in recent months tho. I look good/great but he doesn't care anymore. Says he doesn't love me but I KNOW deep down in my heart he does. 22 years together come April.

Keep on her ... asking questions ... try to keep track of her and her spending and where she goes and what she does. It's really hard cause they really cover their tracks! Ask questions that tell her you're onto her and watching. Or tell her what she's doing to make you believe she's having an A. Gotta go. More later. Let me think. Gentle Hugs!!!

DGI...I'll try to answer your questions you posed in your second post.

The difference in what may be going on in a long term affair verus a short term affair. In the beginning of an affair, it's all about the "newness" and the excitement of discover who someone else is. During a long term affair, there may well be feelings that are based much more in reality. Although, both have a lot to do with how we see ourselves through the eyes of the person we are with.

Either way, by moving in with her, he's about to be knee deep in reality. Especially, if he is moving in with her and her children. BUT..it's a "honeymoon" period and there is still a real danger that if the affair is short-term to date, that feelings can grow. HOWEVER, those feelings could grow in a different direction then he expects. Often "getting to know someone well" leads us to finding out that we didn't know them at all and that what we find is not what we desire.

How long has this working situation been going on? You have had almost no time to be a couple, from what you listed. That is never a good sign in any marriage. Especially if it has been on-going. It's very easy to get caught up in family matters, and take for granted why you got married in the first place...it wasn't to have a family...it was to be together.

If he does come home, you might want to cut out some of the extras, even if for the kids benefit, and put less pressure on making enough money to cover it all. jmho

Yes, you should definitely tell your children together. Do NOT bash H while doing so. Make sure that you are emotional strong during this conversation. Do let H do the telling, do NOT butt in with your POV. I'll bet dollars to donuts that he is NOT going to tell them about this OW...don't you tell them...at least not at this time.

This affair business is between YOU and your H, not the kids. I am not saying that you won't need to eventually tell them, especially if it goes on for any length of time, but don't burn his bridges, yet.

As for those items he has taken...I know that made you angry...but they are only things. Don't even mention them. jmho You want your H back home and you want your marriage to survive...that is your focus!!!! Not camping gear. (You can always get new ones laters.)

Read the things on this site and take from it what seems a benefit to you and your situation. You'll hear alot about Plan A and Plan B. There is a lot of advice which may help you. I'm not much of an advocate for Plan A when the WS is actively in an affair, but I can see it's value if you are couragous and strong enough to follow it. (I wasn't.)

Find a doctor and get checked out with a complete physical. Inform him/her of your H's affair and get checked out for any STD's. Get on anti-depression medication, as it will help you keep your head clear. It will NOT stop the pain, but it will make you feel a little less out of control. Watch what you eat, exercise, get enough rest. You must take care of yourself during this time, as the stress can be very damaging.

Find a good counselor who you can connect to and trust. Individual counseling is a good step towards taking control of your life and your choices.

Began working on YOU. Do those things for yourself which you feel need improving. This is NOT for H...but for you. If he returns, he will reap the benefits...but regardless the benefits for you will be life-long.

Good Luck!

Hi! I need to know ... what to do now?? My husband is coming over to talk in the morning. I'm sure to discuss #1 - What to tell the children. And I also need to know from YOU ...
He's not going to leave her. What do I do?? How do you build on that?? He's says he doesn't love me but somehow deep down, I truly believe he does. After the last year ... no real marriage ... no time for each other cause he was working sooooo much, no time for each others emotional or sexual needs. I don't want this to end! Do I have to just let it all play out?? How much do I plead with him to come back and try again? Does he think he loves her?? My kids will be totally devastated!!! I'm sure they all are but mine have been thru some very traumatic experiences and are fragile ... now this! Their daddy has move out and in with another woman! Says he wants to stay in their lives, now more than ever. He's mainly been an absentee father for the year due to his working tons of overtime so now he's committed to see them?? Don't know about that. Please, I need an answer soon! He'll be here at 830am Friday 11/15 am. I want it to work and I'll do anything to try to make it work but don't think he wants to ... not at this stage of the game. Really, does he think he's in love? It took us 5 years before we married. Now married 16 years, been together for 22 come April 2003. I'm 41. So it's been more than half my life. Am I nuts or something for wanting him to stay even tho he's had an affair?? I don't want him to go, I want to work this out! No matter what it takes ... Gosh ... this kids!!!! Please help soon. Thanks sooooooooooo very much!!!

Need to add a bit more ... I can't eat (EXTREMELY LITTLE) since he told me Tues 11/12 9am. Can't sleep ... maybe 1 hr total since. I can't seem to stop myself. I read all I can on this. I pray and pray and pray. I talk to my best friend and other best friend - my mother in law. She is truly there for me ... and the kids! All I do at home is clean, clean, clean. To make it the very best it can be. I clean and reclean. Going thru closets and so forth. What's up with all that?? If I'm not on the computer reading more on MB, then I'm at the library reading or in my room reading and trying to come up with answers. I feel as tho I'm manic! I love him soooooooo much. Strange as I'd always pictured myself leaving him if he'd had an affair on me. BUT, this is here and now! And I don't want to end it. I want to make it all better WITH my husband!!! Even tho he had or is HAVING an affair. He moved in with the OW. Like a honeymoon now ... I know. But gosh, I have to try!!!

It is very typical for the WS to try to blame the BS for driving them to having an A. Don't let him do this to you. You are fully aware as you stated that affairs take time. Time he could have been spending with the family. Marriage is a two way street. Maybe you were staying around the house more lately because he was around so little. Someone has to be there for your children.