This is very difficult to post because I know h will probably read it and I don't want to cause more trouble between us, but I have to get feedback on the current situation.

After finding out about A with OW at work, I confronted h and we are working on repairing things. A couple things still trouble me tho...

first, h does not see need to quit job where ow still works at church because he loves job and loves people there and they love him...ow and h have about 6-8 hours week contact at work which involves playing in band together for enjoyment.

second, happily h has agreed to begin counseling but feels needs to see counselor on his own to work out his own issues before addressing our marital problems...

third, h has doubts about our relationship being able to work...says he wants to try but cannot meet any of my emotional needs at this time....and cannot say whether he will ever get feelings back for me...

fourth, h wants to stay together while he works it out what he wants or needs to do.

has anyone been in this situation before?

Hi FA,

As the WS I can tell you first hand that I wanted my cake and eat it too! NOT! It doesn't work that way, as I'm sure in the very core of you, you know! Based on your post I have to assume you and h are active in the church? If so, God IS working in both of you. Continuing my assumption, I have to believe h feels he can NOT meet your EN's because he's still 'enamored' with OW.

Have you searched around on this site? There are plenty nuts and bolts to help re-build what was! Only one caveat...as difficult as it may be you must adhere to your 'plans' and not deviate. This will serve many purposes not to mention allowing you to re-establish boundaries within yourself and within your marriage. Secondly, it forces h to look in the mirror, into the very essence of himself! If he's honest with himself he will pursue the end to EA and turn his ways over to the Lord!

I know it's words and you don't know the person scripting but do your homework, be strong, remain in prayer and fellowship and the Lord will take care of the rest!

God Bless YOU!

I know this is your vent...but I'm going to hope that your H will read this and I'm going to "talk" to him.

1. You're W's concern about the continued contact with the xOW is normal. It's a very unsual BS who can deal with contuning contact even if for you the affair is over and done and never to be repeated. There is a trust factor in this, but it's also a factor of being kind and caring and having some empathy as to how your partner feels. She's not asking this to punish you, she's asking this because she loves you and needs to began healing. Healing will not take place, no matter how well the relationship is going, if there is continued contact with the OP. jmho It keeps the affair "alive" for the BS, even if for the WS it's dead and buried and turned to ashes.

2. Being welling to seek out individual counseling for guidence and help is wonderful. It is the first step to self-discovery. It allows you a safe and secure place to express your confusion, hopes, dreams, etc. without worrying about causing a loved one distress.

MC may then be "folded" in to the IC. As you discover what you want today, what you have today, and what you can have tomorrow. It may bring you closer together so that a real new beginning can start, or it may show that the marriage should end and give you guidence on how best to end the marriage in a kind and loving way.

3. Shutting down by both spouses is not anything but completely normal. We've gone through so many emotions in such a short time frame. We've experienced emotions that we never felt before. We've encountered emotions which overwhelmed us...so we just stop. (or we hide them inside)

You do not have to know what the outcome will be. You're on a journey of discovery, of yourself, your spouse and your marriage. There was a reason that brought the two of you together...that reason is still valid. It may or may not be a reason to continue on, but it doesn't decrease the importance of that reason.

IF...you want to try, you have a very good chance of reclaiming everything you lost and so much more. Rebuilding a marriage is very hard work...but it is rewarding.

IF...you chose to end the marriage...then do so with kindness, thought, consideration, and empathy. But, don't throw it away...so often what we throw away, we later find out just how valuable it was to us...and it's gone and the regrets throughout our lives can be very hard to live with. jmho

catch, no my h and i are not active in the church. it is his job and where he became close to her as she also works at the church. i attend, but am not active, although I have always wanted to be.

perhaps that is where i went wrong by not attending and becoming a part of it so that i allowed them to become close, i dont' really know...

h says he does not love this w or have any feelings for her. he says he needed a friend and let it go too far, but the fact that they are working together in my mind allows whatever good feelings they had to simmer below the surface, but he doesn't want to see this. Also, how can she NOT be a constant reminder to him of how much he has hurt me??? How can we ever heal with her still lurking in the mist? I believe she loves him.

Counselor says he needs to see this, but maybe he does, it's just not important enough to keep me to be able to end something that he enjoys and loves doing. So what does that for me? I'm not worth it, i suppose.

I have asked h to leave and until he does I have asked him to leave bedroom. it was too painful to lay next to someone you love and want to hold but is unable to give anything in return. i don't know if that is the right thing since it's not doing a very good plan a, but i wonder if you can plan a without a real committment anyway...

((Fallingapart)): so sorry this is happening to you.

Musicians are deeply emotional people. I wish your H could be honest. Even singing worship songs together creates a special kind of intimacy that takes a strong spouse with the ability to resist temptation. Because music connects people.

I let myself get connected emotionally to OM and we lost our ministry. God has restored everything and more but it did mean leaving our old church.

I think you are right to practice the tough love and make your H face up to the fact that he needs to choose his M over this "friend." I also don't think it's entirely bad that your H needs some solo counselling time--as long as he agrees to continue the joint counselling with you.

You can't touch the past but you hit the nail on the head and maybe we can help another here by commenting that perhaps you should have been more involved in the church and therefore your H would have been more accountable.

My H trusted me far too much. This is a strange thing because marriage is about trusting but I reached a point where he gave me (begrudgingly) far too much freedom to spend time with OM and things deteriorated quickly.

Your H has put you in an awkward position because it sounds like you are experiencing a spiritual awakening and you need good Christians to support you--yet the current church is not the ideal setting for this. I hope doors will open that your H will choose you, change jobs and put this woman behind him.

Also, the church family should not be winking an eye at what has transpired. People that really love your H should be confronting him and intercepting together time with "her." Actually, church discipline should have been meted out and your H should not have his job there any longer nor should she.

It's a very delicate situation--how does church leadership demonstrate holiness and the love of God without crushing the wayward's spirit? But they have a responsibility to be faithful to God's Word.

Sorry..the ex preacher in me waxes eloquent <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
But seriously, I will be praying for you today and really hope that your H will awake to the love you obviously carry for him and see his need to demonstrate his trustworthiness now to you.