After considering my options, I realized that I can't live with h knowing that he's not sure he can love me like he used to. I know the point of MB is that I should Plan A and show him I love him, but I think he already knows that.

He's not sure what he wants, but wants to continue working with OW and I don't think our m stands a chance as long as that situation is going on. He says he has no feelings for her and she's nothing to do with how he currently feels. He can offer me nothing emotionally at this point. Unable to be affectionate, unable to give any hope for our future.

He wants to get counseling and I think that's great, but it's really for him to decide what he wants, and it's just giving me hope that it will be me and our family, and I'm afraid I'll end up hurt anyway in the end because he's already said he doesn't love me like he did 7 years ago. That's very painful to hear.

guys, please help me to be strong right now..

thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fallingapart:
<strong>After considering my options, I realized that I can't live with h knowing that he's not sure he can love me like he used to. I know the point of MB is that I should Plan A and show him I love him, but I think he already knows that.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, he may know that you love him...but it's possible at this point, he feels unworthy of that love. Recovery takes time and improvement happens with small baby steps.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fallingapart:
<strong>
He's not sure what he wants, but wants to continue working with OW and I don't think our m stands a chance as long as that situation is going on. He says he has no feelings for her and she's nothing to do with how he currently feels. He can offer me nothing emotionally at this point. Unable to be affectionate, unable to give any hope for our future.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A good MC/IC will be able to show your H why NC is important. You're right...recovery will be difficult if the OW is still in the picture. As for feelings...it is not uncommon after dday for both the WS and the BS to 'shut down' emotionally. You may become 'numb' to everything. This is your mind's way of protecting you from further pain and stress.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by fallingapart:
<strong>
He wants to get counseling and I think that's great, but it's really for him to decide what he wants, and it's just giving me hope that it will be me and our family, and I'm afraid I'll end up hurt anyway in the end because he's already said he doesn't love me like he did 7 years ago. That's very painful to hear.

guys, please help me to be strong right now..

thanks.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, both of you need IC/MC. The fact that your WH is willing to go is an excellent sign!! The fact you are scared and hesitant about this is normal. No one wants to be hurt over and over again. No one wants to set them self up for hurt. It's normal to shy away from something or someone who has caused us pain. You don't need me to tell you that you are strong...hey, you're still standing after this...that takes strength! Nothing ventured, nothing gained! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Finally, as for his love for you changing...that too, is normal. Relationships undergo many changes during their 'life span'. The 'rush', the infatuation, the lust usually change after a couple have been together for awhile. Feelings are not static, but dynamic. That being said...if he changed his feelings once, he can do it again. It's quite possible he can change and develop stronger more mature feelings of love towards you.

If you've reach the realization that you can't continue...then you can't. Right or wrong has nothing to do with it.

There are boundaries in all our lives and some just can't be moved.

You MUST do what you must do. Maybe it would be best for him to get counseling on his own and to discover what he wants. And to do so without you in the picture.

I'm sorry he's so confused as to what he wants, but until he figures it out...you can't help. You can't tell him, you can't show him, you can't save him. It's up to him to discover this.

Don't have any real advice, just wanted to validate your right to choose what is right for you.

Mgm, yes, it's possible he may feel unworthy of that love, but I have told him I forgive him and I have said I want mc, and I have said I love him and we can work this out.

Also, I know that love changes over time, love grows, and sometimes the rush isn't always there. I don't feel the same way about him as I did 7 years ago, but I never stopped loving him enough to believe our marriage couldn't survive hard times and I always beleive we would work through the good and the bad together. I was naive. I didn't realize that he might not feel the same way even though he said it.

I'm only becoming numb because i cannot get what I want, I suppose. I want him to tell me we will get through this together, and he can't do that. He loves his job too much to give it up,a nd she works there. I have beent old by my own c and by this website and all these good people on here that it can't work as long as they still have contact. BUt he says he never had feelings for this woman in the first place, and all the letters where he said he loved her were just lies. So it's all very confusing to me.

From my perpective, our marriage HAS been bad for the past several years. I wasn't able to trust him because this has happened twice before, and so we never resolved it and were prime for the 3rd time. I knew this and should have sought counseling earlier, but I guess I kept waiting for him to figure it out. In the meantime, instead of loving him and forgiving him, I just love-busted all over the place, treated him as bad as he was treating me, and we continued to fight all the time without rebuilding our love and trust together.

I know this now, but fear it is too late.

I am giving him time and space. We could be very happy together from my point of view, but I can't make him love me if he don't.

Wifey, what you say makes a lot of sense. You're right, until he discovers what he wants, I can do nothing for him.

Survivors of multiple As, can you please join this thread?

3 times is difficult...especially with no resolution and yet you are willing to make things work.

Take time for you now--to get well emotionally--to love yourself--it sounds like some individual counselling for you is in order, too.

It's true that it's very difficult for a WS to forgive themselves when they are truly repentant and remorseful. It doesn't sound like your H has reached remorse yet.

I think you are on the right track. Stay true to H and yourself and hold your ground for now.

Prayers for you continue. Hugs, FS

Maybe counseling is what you need to help him see the light and that maybe you can rekindle your love from 7 years ago. Good luck. I admire you for doing counseling and am a little jealous. I would like to go but would dread it like you do...

Dazedblonde, you should go even on your own for C..it can be very beneficial.

Fallingapart, sorry to hijack the thread to encourage DB. I prayed for you this afternoon.

We all have issues and there is absolutely no shame in getting help to work through. Sometimes even the fresh perspective of an insightful (same=sex) friend can open our eyes to new wisdom.