Hey everyone. I'm new here and I've been reading alot of posts. I'm really looking forward to hearing some good advice for a change, or any at all! Ok, here's my story.

I've been married a little over 2 years, my children are 3 & 4 . I found out 5 months ago, that my husband had an affair with a woman before our marriage. (I just had our son and we were living together). I became pregnant to my second son 2 months later, my boys are 10 months apart. Well here, 5 months ago, I not only found out that he had a "fling" with this woman, but there apparently was a child made out of it. This child is 2 months older than my youngest AND goes to pre-school with my neice!

Anyway, I asked him about it and he come up with 3 different stories, and now he's denying the entire thing. I spoke to this woman's father who admitted to knowing that my husband was the father of this child. I asked him to have his daughter contact me, but she never did.

Now I have her phone number. I tried arguing with my husband that I had already called her (I haven't) and he still says he isn't the father. I demanded a paternity test and me leaving him, he still didn't break.

I guess my question is, do I trust him (who by the way has done this exact thing to his ex-wife, had a love-child), and try to rebuild our marriage through counseling, or do I just lift this heavy-feeling off my heart and just call the girl already, and get her story? I actually feel like my heart is really heavy, like I'm having panick attacks, it's making me sick!

<small>[ November 14, 2002, 09:35 PM: Message edited by: mommyof2boyz ]</small>

Well, you and your H certainly are not communicating.

How did you "find out" about this fling? Are you sure it did happen? Could your H be telling you the truth? (Although, it sounds very fishy.)

Ok, lets go from the point of this is true, he had a fling with this woman and there is a child, could be H's might not be.

#1. This woman's child is age 3 so it's surprising that she hasn't filed for child support if she knows that your H is the father.

#2. Is he in contact with this woman?

#3. Is he paying her money? (this you should be able to discover)

#4. Her father says that it is "known" by family that your H is the father of this child...Yet, this may be her story and not the truth.

As for your question as to what you should do...no one can answer that for you. You can accept that this child may be your H, go along with your life...and hope that somewhere down the road it doesn't all blow up in your H's and your face.

Rebuilding through counseling is always a good idea...but if you or your H never find the level of honesty that is needed to the counselor and to each other, it won't be very successful...BUT...counseling may help you get to that point of being honest, so do get some outside guidence as a first step.

Calling her is an option. But you must be prepared to hear something you don't want to hear. She may also not be interested in discussing this with you at all. By calling her, you may also open up a "can of worms" beganning legal action, paternity tests (need that one anyway), child support, visitation, etc. So be sure that you're ready to deal with whatever might happen.

Personally...I'd have to know one way or the other...but then I have never been a conflict avoider...I tread where angels and even devils fear to tread. I can't stand "not knowing"...to survive, I must know. This isn't very "marriage builders" like...it's just me.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Actually my husband's brother's live in girlfriend told me by accident while I was telling her about the child he had when he was married to his first wife.

I'm prepared to hear the worst, I think it may be the worst. I don't think I can forgive him for this, even though this happened before we married. He has 2 daughters to his first wife, a son to his first wife's affair, my 2 boys, and a possible 6th? Nah, sorry, I can't hang with that. I'd try to burn him for everything he had, which isn't much thanks to the first wife and lovechild. He pays support for those three, he is not paying support for this one.

Her father said she chose not to go after him in courts because she wanted nothing to do with him, my husband has a bad boy rep., and he is that in every way. And that she had just put her fiance's name on the birth certificate. He even went as far as to telling me the conflicts he had with my hubby about this situaition.

I am not the one to back down from ANYTHING. But calling her scares me, I know I have to do it to have some closure to the story, and her avoiding me is the #1 clue that there is something more to tell. Maybe I just have to get drunk enough!

Ok, it really sounds that you know what happened. Maybe not the details...but you know in your heart and your gut. So why call? It won't help you. jmho

Plus, it really doesn't seem as if she is interested in discussing this with someone who she will see as an "outsider". I would be ready to have her hang up on you...if you try to call.

AND...do NOT call while drinking....that will be one of the worst mistakes you can make. jmho

You need to deal with your H. That's were the problem lays, not with her and her child. Doesn't even matter if the child is your H's or not, what does matter is that you don't want to live like this.

Your decision and whatever you decide, will definitely be validated by me.

But, as for forgiveness...it's amazing what a loving heart can forgive...if we want it to. Not that you "should" or that you want to, that is completely up to you...but know that you can...if you choose to try and rebuild.