My husband left about three weeks ago after his horrible behavior for a month or so prompted me to ask again..other woman? He finally fessed up and left. We were in mc but he is refusing to go. I did't hear from him till this week when I called him at work. He had left a message with my youngest son that he would be returning this coming weekend to collect clothes, mail and see our three teenagers. I called to ask what time he would be here. Anyway he was cordial and asked how I was. I said I was coping and he said the same. He then gave me his new cell #. I guess this means he is living with her and not staying in his call room as the phone has been disconnected. The pain is unbearable. We have been married 21 years after we had been through our first marriages. He is 50 and I am 47. This is a mid-life crisis of sorts, as he has been very depressed for a few years. He has been having the affair for a year, seriously the last 9 months. He is a professional in medicine, and she is a 36 yr. old waitress. He works away 5 days a week and used to come home. Of course hasn't in a while. He has arthritis pretty bad and has had alot of total joint replacements. In fact he was home for three months this past year. I took good care of him and although i had suspicions he has been loving to me until the last couple of months.

Breathe.... anyway. I do want him to come back and work on us, get rid of her. After reading the infidelity discussion o this site. I am frightened at the power the ow must have. My kids are confused and I am as well. It all doesn't fit. And how could he come home to collect things and face me. It seems so heartless. I don't know how to play it. I want to scream and rip his heart out like he has done to me and my kids. But I think I have to play it loving and kind no matter what. God doesn't condone adultery or divorce and I am trying to have faith and place it in His hands. The thought of him waking in the morning in her bed makes me crazy.
Do I have the right to question him about where he and I stand or will that push him away?

Dear dlh, I am so sorry for your obvious pain and heartbreak, as well as the understandable confusion. I am also sorry for your children. This is so disillusioning.

You can learn a lot from this site and Dr. H's books. As for the immediate questions you asked, the best thing you can do is be kind and be yourself as best you can. You want your H to see you at your best, to realize who you really are, though he may not see it through this fog of his infidelity. Most affairs die a natural death within a few months. Your best advice, in terms of Harley's general counsel, is to wait it out as best you can. This is very, very hard to do.

Of course you won't act like your H coming home to collect his belongings is a natural and normal thing to do. If asked, you would honestly respond that you would like to work things out with your husband, and that that cannot happen when he moves out. But if he doesn't ask, let him go.

I really recommend that you read Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. I am not qualified to give advice, we are all in the same boat here at the site and we're just trying to salvage and improve our own marriages.

I do feel for you and wish you well. You are going to need to spend some time on yourself, ask yourself about your emotional needs, your husband's and whether or not you've been meeting those needs. You mentioned nursing your husband through his recovery from surgeries. How about his other needs? You are going to need to be strong. Do you have family support? A friend to lean on? Come often to the site for understanding and support.

I hope you will find your way through this difficult time. Take care.