Been married for 6 yrs. now. This is my 2nd. We have a son together and I have 3 from my previous marriage. Although my H is very kind and gentle, he happens to be emotionally inept. Does not communicate well and does not believe in counseling. The past 3 yrs. he has been battling alcoholism and I've tried to talk and help him but the bottom line is he does not want to help himself. To make matters worse, I've been in contact with a highschool friend who like me is unhappy with his marriage. He lives on the other end of the globe so we don't have any physical contact. We've been filling the void in our lives by carrying on with an emotional affair. Neither one of us are planning on leaving our spouses . As much as I believe what I'm doing is wrong, I keep on justifying my behavior by thinking I deserve to have someone care for me and I truly care for this other guy. I don't want to end the affair because I fear I would be back to the same neglected, taken for granted and ignored wife. I've done my best to work it out with my H, but when only one of the couple is willing to work it out, where does this leave me? Any feedback?

Hello ShootingStar and Welcome

Its time you lay the cards on the table with your H. Im a former WS. I did alot of damage to my marriage and husband but we have been in recovery for a few years now and doing really well.

You really have to end this EA. Trust me. I was deeply involved in one. They are just as destructive as one that is a PA. Please listen to me.

You must love your H or you would not be there. You know he needs help. Alcoholism is a disease like being ill with a cancer. It ruins your life and can also take it.

You have to be the strong one here and if you love your H and want to save your marraige. You will END all contact with the old HS person. Let that go. He has his own boat of trouble to deal with. I understand it fills a big void in your life but how about directing that attention to your marriage, yourself and your H? You say that you can't help you H unless he wants help. True to a point but I would lay the cards out on the table. Get a family member or trusted friend to help you.

Believe me before you know it you will be out of control with the EA. The best thing you can do for yourself is to END the EA ASAP.

Send an email or whatever to the OM and tell him that it's wrong to continue contact. You are married. Your husband is sick and he needs your help and 100 percent devotion. Its vital here. What you are doing with the EA will make your problems WORSE. BELIEVE ME. Been there Done that.

You may not want to end that EA but keep going and the EA will end your marriage, the OM marriage, your self respect and much more. Don't think no one will find out. Someone will and when they do, all hell will break loose.

I know you think you can justify this now by saying you are getting no attention, no love, not much of anything but my dear your H is sick, very sick.

Do you recall FOR BETTER OR WORSE. IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH??? I forgot those lines and it almost cost me my marriage and it most certainly cost me my self respect and dignity which after a ton of hard work I have back. My marraige is in tact today because of hard work and dedication. I did a ton of work on myself too.

You MUST get your H to your family doctor, a rehab center, something. He needs help. You promised to help him regardless when you said I DO.

Please help him. I bet you can turn this marriage around to be a great marriage. Its going to take all you have and thensome but I assure you if you want your marriage and your dignity and self respect to go down the tubes..Keep going on with your EA. Its only a matter of time. Don't ever think you will not be caught. You will and when you do. The remorse, regret and shame will just about kill you and only if your are fortunate will you get another chance. I got one and believe me I made the best of it and changed completely.

End the EA. Get the phone book out. Start calling around. GET HELP for your Husband and you. Check with AA, ALANON, and other organizations. Get him a sponser. Gather trusted family/friends to help. This is serious. He may be angry at you for involving them but will love you when he gets better and realizes that he has one hell of a wife that would go so far to do anything to save her husband and marriage.

I hope you heed to what Im saying.

Its vital.

Most people don't want to hear what I say. They rather continue on. I won't tell you what you want to hear. What you WANT to hear will do you NO good.

Get help ASAP
Zoey

Zoe,
Thanks for your words of wisdom. I needed to hear that. I do love my husband and believe me I've been trying to work with our problems even though it seems to be a one way street. The road I'm about to travel will not be an easy path. I am trying to build up the courage and energy. I feel like I've been a single parent for so long with 2 jobs, the kids and keeping the home together. It sounds selfish I know but to do all these without the support from my H seems even more of a task than a challenge. I am reaching a point of exhaustion. I have not even decided if I want to go for it or give up. As for the OM, we talked about it and he will agree to whatever decision I make even if it hurts us both. We both know it will have to end sooner or later. I can't say it will be asap but I feel in my heart it will be soon. Thanks again for your sound advice.

SS: Have you read "Love must be Tough", by Dobson?

Shootingstar, you are still married, even though you've been through quite the ordeal. Yes, perhaps things will end but you say yourself you still love your H.

Being married to a person with addictions requires its own unique energy--even if you and your H are apart (did I read that correctly-is it your H who is away or the OM?) Lean on your women friends.

Sweetie, I lost my way when my H was recovering from cancer. I made poor choices about how to cope and there was this "friend" who was only too willing to be there for me. Now that I'm recovered, I realize he was only there for himself and to hurt my H and I was only one of many for OM. If your "friend" agrees to just keep it emotional, you can bet he is stringing other women along, too.

I don't want to burst your bubble or sound harsh. My heart really, really goes out to you. H and I were talking the other day about the patterns of women married to alcoholics--it's a hard place to be emotionally. It's not fair. But until your marriage is restored or dissolved, perhaps you would really benefit from Alanon. There you can find some women to lean on emotionally and to guide you into good choices. And if your marriage does end, you can learn some healthy boundaries to help avoid a repeat of the same type of relationship.

We don't condemn you but we strongly encourage you to live in honesty. Your life has enough complications without you living two lives before your children.

Be true to you.

And don't give up hope just yet that your husband won't get better...and possibly your marriage. No one can promise you that but we see miracles on the board all the time. I pray that miracle will be yours.

All the best to you.

SS,
You are welcome. I hope you make the right choices here. You will only get hurt worse if you continue this EA. It serves NO purpose. You think a need is being fullfilled but really you are setting yourself up for a BIG BAD FALL. You will be hurting others and most of all yourself. Don't you deserve better.

Even if you pick not to stay with your husband, you should still stop the EA. Don't live in the false fantasy that you will leave your husband and go be with this OM. ITS PURE FANTASY..and even if you get to where you can be with the OM..you will be in for a RUDE awakening. Nothing good will come of it. It won't last. You think it will becasuse anything is better than where you are now but my dear friend, I am here to tell you, you are in for the biggest rudest wake up call of your life. Please take it from someone that has been where you are. THE GRASS IS NOT GREENER ON THE OTHERSIDE. It never has been, never will be.

If you deciede you cannot be with your H for whatever reason. Fine BUT I urge you to then just take care of you. Be with only YOU. Do not make the fatal mistake of thinking the OM is the answer to your lonliness and so forth. He also has a wife right? Well think of all the people that will get hurt here? Let the OM go. He needs to sort out his own troubles at home. If you really care about the OM as your friend. LET HIM GO. A true friend says " GO HOME, FIX YOUR MARRIAGE and WORK ON YOURSELF" and let it go.

Trust me. I hope I can save you from the biggest mistake of your life. I know you are in a place where its hard to let go of the OM but please trust me on this one. I know I know..Trust a total stranger but this total stranger has been on the road you are taking. TURN BACK BEFORE ITS TOO LATE.

I hope you hear what Im saying. Praying hard for you SS. You can do this. Do the RIGHT thing.

Try your best with your H again. If it doesn't work, you know in your heart you gave it your all but don't complicate it with some fantasy that the OM will make your life better. It won't come true. That is a dream that will never come true. It will only turn into a NIGHTMARE. I think you are a smart person and you realize this otherwise you would not of come here to ask for help. I HUG YOU A THOUSAND TIME FOR THAT.

Im here to help you okay.

Zoey

Hello to all who responded. I am amazed how helpful your words of wisdom are. Zoey, you are helping me see more clearly. I believe you. I know the OM is not the answer to my problems. All my life I've lived in what I consider ethical and moral ways. I hope it's not too late for me to reverse the damage I've done. I've been feeling guilty for being the other woman in my OM life. I can't help but imagine the pain his wife will feel when she finds out.I don't think so much of how my husband would feel because he used to tell me he doesn't care if I fool around because he believes polygamy should be legalized. I will talk to my priest tonight. I know he too will shed some light. Perhaps even give me the strength to continue with this challenge of helping my H. I know that no matter how things turn out, after I've weathered the storm, I will come out as a stronger person and hopefully smarter. Got to keep in mind, I have 4 kids that look up to me as a model. Thanks again y'all!

SS
I would be glad to help you.

You will have to take the first and hardest step.

STOP ALL CONTACT WITH THE OM. I mean it. STOP all emails or any other form of contact. Tell OM that you care about yourself, your H and your children. Tell him that he too must concentrate on his family as well.

This will NOT be easy. It will be hard in your case. For me, stopping contact was not hard. I was caught by my H and given only one chance. I took it. Never looked back and never regret it either. BUT if I would of continued contact and so forth. I know I would not be where I am today and that is a much stronger, better person and a whole list of other positive things.

Learn from this. Learn that you cannot turn to OM to fulfill your needs or temp needs. You must rely on YOU. You must be strong for YOU. You sound very smart and wonderful. Do yourself the biggest favor of your life. END CONTACT with the OM.

Im glad you can sympathize with what his wife would feel like if she found out. Well Im here to tell you if you continue this contact you risk ruining your life, your kids lives, your H's life and the OM's familys life. Now. This means both you and the OM. You are both risking the lives and happiness of many innocent people who love you and have faith in you that you would do the right thing.

I want to tell you that the shame is deeper than you think. The guilt you will feel is worse than you can imagine. You will feel you lost your morals and dignity in the worst way possible.

Right now you cannot see that. Right now its hard to imagine not having the OM there to fill the lonely parts of your life but its not real. I remind you. ITS NOT REAL. There is no happy ever after in this relationship SS. NONE AT ALL.

You are lonely..I know
You are sad...I know
You are tired of dealing with an H that abuses alcohol. I know
You are sick of being the strong one..I know

BUT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN A TASK BY GOD...that is YOU must be the strong one. You have to help your H. You have to do the best you can to help him. It may and may not work. What counts is you give it your all. Your family deserves that much. If after you try your very best...then you start making other decisions but for now, please get your H help and get yourself some help too.

You won't be able to do this alone. Come here for support. Get a counselor, a trusted friend or family member.

However I beg you to stop contact with the OM. Stop and believe me you think you won't be able to but you will.

What do you think your children that look up to you would think about what you are doing with the OM. You say "Its just some emails, phone calls, Etc"..All sounds innocent but its not. It will lead to a place that will make your life worse. It will make you lie, cover up, and do so many things you would not normally do.

Don't degrade yourself like this. Also what do you respect about the OM? A man that is secretly emailing YOU behind his wife's back? You think that deserves respect. Yes, he too may be lonely and have problems but that is HIS problem, not yours and he should be addressing that with his WIFE the one he promised to be with for better or for worse, not someone else.

It sounds harsh but I am here to give you the harsh reality of what you will be dealing with if you continue down this wrong path.

I hate to see anyone go through what I went through. We have been in recovery several years now. SEVERAL YEARS and we are just starting to have a somewhat normal life, one where we can start to heal from all that happened. Do you want to do that or go through that. Continue contact with the OM and you will be here in my shoes.

Your H has a drinking problem. What do you think this will do to him? If he feels bad now, he is in for a shocker isn't he? Your H is sick. He needs the help of his family and friends to get him through this. Alcohol is a terrible destructive disease. Please get him help.

You are not alone. Remember that. I can and will help you. However you must take the first most important and critical step. You know what that is.

Its your call Shooting Star.

and I think your H would care if you fooled around. I do. He is just taking trash. People that drink alot don't know what they say half the time and even so. If he feels that way, fine. Leave him and start a good life for you and your children but don't have an affair in any shape way or form. That is the wrong way to go. That is not fair to your kids, you or the OM family. Why destory so many people? For what? No one wins in an affair rememeber that. EVERYONE loses.

If you are unhappy with your H. If your H doesn't care what you do, fine. File for a D and move on and let him alone but don't destroy yourself by having and A. You deserve better than that don't you.

Glad you are going to talk to your priest. Hope he can help. I only trust a few priests. There are some not so good ones out there too. Be careful

Praying for you
Zoey

<small>[ November 19, 2002, 03:53 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

Shootingstar, you are on the right path now. Honesty is key. Yes, choose to end it with OM--you do NOT want to be responsible for hurting his W-you are already thinking about that.

It hasn't turned to a PA yet. It doesn't mean it will be easier to end but you are on the right path thinking of how your behaviour impacts others.

So glad you will talk to your priest. Hope it goes well.

Here's another who is praying for you.

Zoey and Freshstart, never expected this site to give me the emotional support I need but that is exactly what I am getting from both of you. Many many thanks! I spoke to our priest and he advised that perhaps leaving my husband will give him the rude awakening he needs. I am not quite ready for that yet. I would like to give it another shot and truly work on our marriage before I give up. I called the OM last night and ended things up. I told him to focus on his marriage and his family as I would do the same. Told him the bad example we are setting for our children and how much people we are hurting by doing this EA. He understood where I was coming from and respected my decision. Although I feel sad now, I also feel a big thorn off my chest. So now I'm about to embark with the bigger challenge...getting my H some help. Wish me luck. I know it will be a long winding road ahead. Will keep you posted!

Shooting Star

2 billion hugs to you. I am SOOOOOOOO proud of you. It will not be easy but we are here for you. You took the single most important first step. You are going to make it. I know it and feel it. As far as the OM goes. Please DO NOT look back. Just keep moving forward. When you feel tempted to email him, call him...CALL ON US HERE AT MB. Post your feelings here. Vent here. We are here for you.

Here is something I posted on the other boards and maybe this can help you too.

THE SMALL MOMENTS -- Some of the biggest, most positive and enduring accomplishments are the result of small efforts repeated again and again. There is enormous, nearly unstoppable power in those small efforts when they're focused consistently in the same direction.

Tiny, soft water droplets will eventually wear smooth the hardest of stones. So too will small, positive efforts eventually yield big and valuable results.

Your thoughts and actions in the smallest, most seemingly insignificant moments truly matter. They matter very much more than they would seem. For it is in those small, ordinary moments that extraordinary accomplishments are built. It is in the actual living that a life of distinction, success and fulfillment is achieved.

Though you may only move a few inches at a time, those small steps, taken one after another, will eventually put you miles and miles ahead. See the value and real opportunity in each small moment, because those small moments are indeed what combine to make a big and magnificent life.

-- Ralph Marston

I have tears in my eyes. I am so happy. You did the RIGHT thing and no matter how tough it will be from here on our you are doing the RIGHT thing for you, your family and all involved.

You will have me here to help you along the way. You can rest assured of that.

Hang in there and talk to me anytime. I will check the board daily just in case you are trying to reach me.

Zoey.

PS. Man...I am sooooo proud of you!!

<small>[ November 20, 2002, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: Zoey ]</small>

Me,too!! Way to go, Shootingstar! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It will be tempting to call OM up. Resist the temptation. As Zoey said, come to the board, call a good friend you trust, call your priest, take a shower--whatever works! Just resist. You will get through this.

What courage and love to try and help your H. We're praying for a miracle for you.

Hugs!

Hello Zoey and Freshstart! Last night I cried for 3 whole hours. I haven't done that for the longest time. I felt better afterwards, but of course I had to go to work with puffy eyes and a whopping headache. I'm feeling down today. Haven't communicated with my H for 5 days now since we had the fight 5 days ago because he was drunk. I will look under my health insurance list for a counselor, a marriage counselor. If my H refuses to go, I will go alone. I miss the OM, I've resisted keeping in touch and it was hard! It feels like I'm a kid with a new toy and someone decided to take it away just like that. Thanks again for both of your support. Will keep you posted with future changes...hopefully positive. I think tonight I will cry some more. Is this normal?

I've decided everything is normal in this new life of ours.

You will have all sorts of feelings..up and down. Its all normal

We are here for you. You are going to make it. I know you will :-)

Zoey

SS,

I just read your post and the replies... I think I understand how you feel and wish you the best in your challenges!!

Today is day 2 for me... I just wanna im OM so bad... tell him that I cried all night... He'll understand!! Right?? I don't think so... Something someone said to you really struck a nerve... How many other Online women does OM have?? I am just frail enough that I couldn't take more rejection than I feel I am getting at home!!

Hang in there!! These folks have lots of wisdom!! I feel as if I hang on there very words to get by moment by moment!!

<small>[ November 23, 2002, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: LosinMyMind ]</small>

Losing and SS, hang in there. You will get through the "withdrawal"--OM is NOT the answer to your prayers as you have learned.

Being married to an alcoholic is no fun and also emotionally devestating (speaking from observation--my H helps a lot of people with addictions)but it seems to me you are a very special type of strong person--strong in a good sense.

Keep leaning on God and finding ways to distract yourself from thoughts of OM (i.e. housework, exercise, dance your head off at home!--a few practical ideas--something constructive) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Keep reminding yourself if a man is willing to seduce a married woman (and vice versa), they are not above "entertaining" others. I don't say that to be harsh or hurt you--just to remind you what the life of deception is all about.

Living above reproach carries far fewer consequences.

Crying is normal for newly repentant WS and freshly stung BS--it might feel like you are crying an ocean these days but you will come to peace of mind soon.

Keep encouraged that you've chosen the higher path--it's a little steeper to climb but so worth the journey.

If it helps, try to realize that one day your newly acquired strength and wisdom will help you to help others. And don't be afraid to be kind to yourself and lean on your female friends--ask them to watch your kids or take you for coffee, etc. Don't be ashamed that you need your friends--that's what they are there for.

Hugs to you both.

<small>[ November 22, 2002, 05:13 PM: Message edited by: freshstart ]</small>

I guess what makes it hard to forget the OM is the fact that we were good friends in highschool. Although I doubt he has other online friends, I agree that he really needs to focus on his own marital problem and family. Perhaps he is just as lost as me. When one is terribly lonely, i guess the grass gets even greener on the other side.

<small>[ November 25, 2002, 12:05 PM: Message edited by: shootingstar ]</small>

Made our very first appt. with a marriage counselor this Wed. My H was upset that I did this without discussing it with him first. How could I? He has been ignoring me for the past 10 days! My intention was if he refuses to go, I will go alone. He grudgingly agreed to go. You were right about this roller coaster emotions. Some days I'm depressed, some days I'm ok. Here's a question though, should I admit to the EA or keep it a secret from my H. The EA is over and it lasted 2 months. I miss the OM more so when my H continues to behave the way he does. This is sooo hard but I'm trying to hang tough. Will keep you posted.

I want to introduce myself. I am the man's wife. Yep, I am the wife whose husband had an emotional affair with a former wife (highschool sweetheart). I could be your OM's wife. I know how pain feels and how it has nearly distroyed my life. He was unhappy and the reason is that he wasn't brave enough to fight for our marriage. It was easier to carry on a fantasy life with someone he once knew or loved. He gave up on us. I found him online and even then he couldn't tell me the truth. He was so much in denial that he lied and told me he was viewing porn. Then he told me the meetings were just on the Internet. I found out that they were on the phone and that they participated in cybersex. Everytime you have the urge to stay in this relationship read this letter. You think this will solve all your problems and his. It won't. Nothing good comes out of lies and deceipt. If you are truly sure your marriage is over then tell your husband. It isn't kinder to just "self medicate". That is plain cruel. Once you both have ended your marriage the fair way then if you must be with this wonderful person, do it. Remember if he truly loves you he will not ask you to do something that will end up harming you. I wish my husband had been kind enough to tell me he was unhappy and then at least give me a fighting chance to try to mend our marriage. I am fighting for us now. The relatinship is over. I had the courage to fight for what I wanted and needed. He is happy I did. Now, she says it was a fantasy and that he never was really the one she wanted. She says she made the right choice and that her husband is a better, stronger person. She wasn't in it for keeps. She was self medicating too. They nearly ruined four lives because of a fantasy. That is a high price to pay for escape.

Hope you choose wisely, Leedaizee