My wife had an affair in which she wanted to start a new family with OM. I asked her back and now she says she cant believe she could do that and loves me and hasnt thougth of the other man since i asked her back and i am what she always dreamed of.

Problem is my wife is not the person i thought she was. She has kissed my brother one night during our 5 year marriage and spent 2 weeks with with an internet lover she had been writing for 9 months.

I cant look at her with any respect. I really dont feel the same about her, but i believe she does want to be with me forever. She very nice polite and attractive but somthing is missing now. I think maybe I made a huge mistake asking her back, when i look at her i see a stranger but i still get along with her well.

Why don't you divorce her and move on?

I don't post this question as a joke but because on the surface you seem incapable of forgiving her and unable to conquer your resentment. Without these two things, rebuilding your M is an exercise in futility.

Am I wrong?

<small>[ November 18, 2002, 07:30 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TooMuchCoffeeMan:
<strong>Why don't you divorce her and move on?

I don't post this question as a joke but because on the surface you seem incapable of forgiving her and unable to conquer your resentment. Without these two things, rebuilding your M is an exercise in futility.

Am I wrong?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No your right. But its not so easy, i have been married to her for 5 years, we have been and are very close. I didnt know until now that she has the mind of a 12 year old. She can hardly tell what is real from fantasy. She believed that she was single because she pretended to be single on the interent. I know what will happen to her if i divorce her, she will truely get eaten up in the real world. I dont know what to do, is my happyness worth destroying her? I know she didnt care about me but do I have the right to do the same to her?

Bog...I doubt that the world will "eat her up and spit her out" if you find that forgiveness and love can not be reclaimed. Yes, it won't be easy for her...but she'll survive. (And tho harsh...it is NOT your responsiblity that she does survive, it is hers.)

I don't believe that we are put here on earth to be "happy", but I do think it's a noble goal to reach for. Nor do I believe that by destroying her you would find your happiness or that you should. But...from your other posts...you are not happy, you are not sharing your happiness with her, as you have none, and together neither of you are happy.

We really can't make someone else happy. Yes we can give them temporary joy, but happiness comes from within each person. We share our happiness with others and they share theirs, but they can't make you happy anymore then you can make them.

I can however make someone miserable. jmho I can beat them down, betray them (not just affair related, that's only one type of betrayal there are many), I can destroy their self-esteem.

One betrayal in no way justifies another. Be very careful that in your decision that you can never forgive, that you don't commit your own betrayal of your marriage and more importantly...yourself. (I am not talking about you seeking out an affair partner betrayal.)

Bog

If you are correct then it seems that your WW is in bad need of some serious psychological counseling to help her find out why she can't function like an adult. Have you suggested counseling to her?

Despite your desire to pay her back, you do seem to love her and are very much concerned for her wellbeing.

Bog nobody will judge you rightly or wrongly if you decide to divorce her, but what we will try to emphasize is to be very careful not to have your decisions or actions be driven by your negative emotions, because said decisions almost always come back to haunt us in the long run.

Once again I suggest you seek some counseling for the two of you (individual and married).

Good luck.

I dont have a mind of a 12 years old. I did mistake and I regeret it.

The reason why I said and wrote all those things after you find out about my affair "Bog" is because I was upset, angry and all alone in the situation that I put myself in.

I was all alone when I got in US 5 years ago and maybe when I got married at 19, I thought that all my marriage gonna be something that I always dreamed about...something that you and me had the first two years of our marriage, but you forgot about me. Yes, you had tonns of problems but so did I.

You barely ever kissed me. And every single time when I asked you why dont you like kissing me you told me it's because you having asthma and that you dont really like kissing. Well I do like it. And YOUR brother kissed me, yes I respond to it, but I was also drunk and when I realized whats going on, I walked away. The reason why I didnt tell you or anyone anything about it is because I was afraid that it will ruin your family. But before that I asked you why is your brother constantly smacking my [censored] and you told me that he is just playing.. yes, you didnt know it would go THAT far but you shouldnt let it even begin.

I'm not saying that what Ive done is right and I hope that noone would ever repit my mistakes. And I hope some day God will hear my prayers and forgive me. But how can I(and God sees that I AM trying to make everything that I can) make you happy "Bog", if you dont wanna be happy with me?

I don't ask you to forgive me all or forget it. But if you give me another chance, you have to give 100% of yourself to me as well because if there is no rocks to build there wont be no wall.

It really does take two people working together to make a marriage's foundation strong after such an "earthquake" as infidelity.

I think a good counselor could help you guys get thru some of the pain you are in, and turn your energies into working together...if you are both willing to commit to doing so. Working together to fix it is a valid option, divorcing is also a valid option IMHO. Staying together but holding on to pain and anger is an option that will eat you both alive.

Kathi

"Cheating wife"

Unfortinatly im not upset at you kissing my brother. What i am upset at is YOU flying to another country to stay with a complete stranger for 2 weeks when you are married to me. You did not have to sleep with him and have unprotected sex and let him orgasim in you every time.

You are 24 years old, you know better. We have had many conversations about other cheating woman we know of and YOU know exactly what happend in their affairs and you didnt give a crap.

You say you never even loved this stranger , yet you told me 3 times to not stand in between you and OM and you love him and want to be with him. You also told him you wanted to live with him and have a family with him. I dont care about your explanation why you told him that. YOu explanation of "i didnt want him to think i was a freek, and make him feel bad" doesnt cut it, you told me you love him and want to be with him and do not want to be with me. Does sound like you never wanted to be with him and it 100% clear that you didnt even want to try to make things better with me.

It all comes down to one thing, Your emotional affair was great, the idea of having this foriegn man as your lover and future husband was a exciting.
Problem is the sex was horrible (3-5 minutes and all he would do was cum in you and not think about you and never once gave you an orgasim)he could only provide you with attention not fulfilment.

You can sleep with other men you dont know or never even met in person when you are a married woman. You dont even care about strangers having orgasims in you and getting pregnant or diseases. You told him you were on birth control (you were not). You are 24, you know you can get pregnant and you know "condoms exist" you dont like condoms so you didnt have him use one, even when he asked.

If you were soooo unhappy with me, why didnt you say ONE thing to me? i know why, its because you were happy with me until you met the OM online and you didnt want to tell me because i would not let you go see him and sleep with him for 2 weeks.

"Cheating Wife" you are capable of sick things, things will never be the same after i finally see who you really are. I do care about you and you know that, problem is you care about me only when you want to or pretend to. I think the OM is a complete joke, when i see pictures of him i am shocked and its almost comical how you would go stay with that for 2 weeks and be intimate with it. Oh, and he has aborted children in the past, how does that make you think he wants children, you knew about that yet still let him cum in you? (extreemly smart of you BTW)
If you cannot take my outbursts then get out of my house and go to the OM and let him provide for you and share what you have always had with me.

If you dont want the OM anymore AFTER knowing all about him and want me AGAIN, then deal with everything i give you and appreciate that Im giving a worthless crappy wife another chance and dont ever complain ABOUT ANYTHING. You have shamed me forever and we will never go out with our friends again like we used to because i cant take what they might be thinking of me and you. You really ruined many lives with your version of being a wife.

This is the relationship you have created with me. This is what i want, take it or leave it. I will buy a ticket anywhere you want to go. I cannot promise i will be faithful to you or be a good husband, and that is more honosty then you ever gave me but atleast im trying the best i can to deal with a wife like you.

We have good times still and are very close like we have ALWAYS been except now i have emotional and physical outbursts that YOU created, i have ZERO blame for this and will never except i played a part in YOUR sickening affair, but i am still here trying to accept how you really are and what you can do to people who love you. I am having a very hard time in not beating you to death and am dying inside every time i look you in the eyes. When we are toghether and im not thinking about what happend i feel like i love you and your my wife.

Hi Bog and CW,

Are you guys in MC together? Many of the "coversations" that you've posted are VERY similar to what my FWW and I went through.

Bog, I know how much you're hurting right now and believe me, punishing your W won't make that hurt go away. Oh you'll "feel" a bit better, but that deep, hurting feeling isn't going to go away until you really deal with your pain.

CW, the best "advice" that I can give you is to realize just how much you've hurt Bog and try to do everything within your power to SHOW him by your ACTIONS that you are committed to him and your M.

Find a good pro-marriage MC and start going. Also, get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and read it together... I think that you'll find that this book will explain many of the feelings that you are both experiencing right now.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Bog,

All I can say is that I really feel for you and can understand your pain. Your wife's message does seem like a typical misdirection play. Your description of what she did is very painful. I think that of all this pain you are dealing with is very toxic for you. If counseling is not working maybe it would be better for you to move on and stop all of this pain for you. I think you have been through hell and back and it sounds like you have suffered enough. I wish you luck.

So much pain. So much hurt. So much betrayal. And I'm not only talking about the affair, there are other types of betrayals here.

Both of you are hurting so much. Both of you are continuing to hurt the other. Both of you are digging a very deep hole which is going to be awfully hard to climb out of.

CW...you're H is behaving much as I did when I discovered my H's affair. I was in so much pain and sorrow, I lashed out often, I created a "h*ll on earth" for both of us. I was suffering and I made very sure that he was suffering right along with me.

Bog...while I did much of what you are doing...I was being counter-productive to what I was saying I wanted to do...save my marriage. MY actions were not fitting my words. I betrayed myself, my H and our marriage by my actions.

The expressions of affection/love or lack of them seems to have played a large part of what happened as far as CW is concerned. Not being intimate and loving can leave a very large "hole" in our lives whereas we can become in danger of having another fullfill this need. Not that this justified the affair.

Bog...you really should have kissed your W, held her, told her how beautiful she is, and kept the love in the open instead of expecting her to "just know how I feel". jmho (btw...CW has a point about your brother...why in the world would it be acceptable for him to invade your W's personal space by smacking her on the @$$?)

Bog, if you are truly having physical outbursts, then this is NOT acceptable in anyway, form or manner. Yes, she was wrong, she betrayed you, you did NOT deserve this...but you MUST not physically assualt her in anyway! This too would be very wrong and a betrayal of a partner.

The emotional outbursts maybe normal...but they aren't helping anyone nor your marriage. If you want to continue to call her names, tell her what a worthless piece of crap she is, she may decide you're right...and then what do you have worth saving between the two of you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what i want, take it or leave it </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this true Bog? Is this what you want? Is this how you want to live your life? Is this enough for you? Are you happy with YOUR choices here?

Bog, while I agree that you have no blame/fault/responsibity for your W's choice to enter into the affair...You do have a responsiblity as to how you're acting today. So you're not ZERO to blame for what is happening NOW! JMHO

I don't know if your marriage should or shouldn't survive, I just know that the two of you are making things worse instead of better...because...I did it, too!

Sorry but you were never alone and knew it, we went everywhere toghether and spent every day and night toghether. You were not alone ever. I showed you more affection and attention then the OM could have in a lifetime and we were only toghetehr 4 years. You seem to have forgotten everything since you met the OM. Yes, we did go somtimes 2 weeks without sex but i told you and held you every night before bed and kissed you said said i loved you, every single night without missing one night ever.

You cant use the excuse that i didnt give you attention or try to have a family with you. Guess you forgot the months and months we went to the fertility center to help in getting you pregnant, even when had ZERO money.

You messed everything up. I still cant believe you could do that to me and make yourself so cheap. I dont understand how you can tell me you love me and miss me while your at a strangers house before and after laying naked in bed with him?

What the hell is wrong with you?

No amount of explaining can help me understand, no counceler can make me believe it didnt happen or explain why it happend.

I really dont know a way out, only to except what you are, but i dont want a person like you. You are unable to understand what you did, only that is is wrong and shouldnt do that kind of stuff.

Oh, and i take ZERO blame, i would except some blame, maybe .0000000000000000000000000000001 % if you had ONCE told me you were unhappy, but you never ONCE did. You are 100% to blame for your affair, if i ever hear one time i am partially to blame i will explode on you and i have 100% the right. You decided to risk everything, you knew how i would react and you always knew how i felt about you and about adulty. You should not have treated me so disrepectfully and destroyed my image of you, i will never forgive you for that.

<small>[ January 06, 2003, 06:08 PM: Message edited by: Bog ]</small>

BOG,
I understand your pain because I too was in your shoes, only worse. I want you to know that there is hope and you can get over this feeling of complete betrail. It will take time and patience but it can happen. I agree with the others here that you both need counceling and quickly. Educate yourself here from this web site. Go to the top of this page and click on "concepts". Read, read, read if you haven't allready. Again I encourge you to NOT give up. Your wife is willing to start over and that puts you way ahead of the game. You are one of the lucky ones. Try as hard as you can to give her the chance and in time you will see, like I have that what happend was a bump in the road, a very long road. Years from now you will see this and if you didn't do all that you could have to save your marraige, you might find yourself asking yourself, "did I make a mistake?" Again I say, there is HOPE!! What you will need to learn first is forgivness. This is very hard to do but it is a choice. A choice that you will have to make many times over, not just once. You will have to keep reminding yourself that you have forgiven and move forward not backwards. In the Bible there is a story of the woman that was caught in adultery. They asked Jesus if we should stone her? His reply was, let he that is without sin cast the first stone. They all left and Jesus asked the woman "where are your accusers?" Her reply was "there are none" Jesus said "Then neither do I accuse you, go and sin no more..."
When asked how many times must I forgive someone, Jesus said, you must forgive 70X7... and in time the pain will go away.
God Bless,
StillHurts