Any of you veterans out there.....please help me think. once you find out - the A is out there in the open. So, how do you decide to stay or go? make a list? feelings? wait a while? just go day by day and see if time heals the wounds?
My head is swimming - He has come clean and was VERY remorseful. still is....but how do I know that I want to stay and how do I know that I can move past this?
I would post the profile for me but don't know how......so, found out Friday 11/15 by paternity suit in the mail. A is over - happened a couple of years ago. Nevertheless - i'm in pain and in an emotional turmoil. HELP!!!!!!!

Hi Angelia,

Welcome and sorry you are here.

This is going to be the most emotional experience of you life. Regarless of what you decide, it will be hard for you.

I don't know about others, I didn't do any list making, I was on the verge of retaining a lawyer. As I was talking to the lawyer, I realized, I didn't want a divorce.

My H, has not admitted to an A, I have not confronted him with what I know. When the time is right I will. At this time, the time is not right.

Only you know what is right. My advice to you, is don't make any decisions right now. You are too emotional and you need time to process and go through all the stages. A good rule of thumb is not to make any life changing decisions for at least 6 months. By that time, whatever you decide, you will know it is the right decision and will probably not have any regrets.

Now, on the plus side, you H is remorseful. I don't know if you have read others threads out her. There a quite a few BS's who WS is living in the fog world of the A. Some are still living together and the WS is seeing the OP, right in front of the BS. And there are those who are living apart and want the M to work. You have an advantage, yours is remorseful

This discovery is very recent. I suggest Marriage Counseling. There is a wide range of emotions that you will experience. It helps to see an objective person, who you can talk to about this. Venting here too helps.

You might also consider counseling for yourself that is separate from the MC. There might be times you feel like you are going crazy, and it helps to talk.

I have to go now. There are others who will respond with better advice.

Oh, a good book to read is Surving an Affair, written by Dr. Harley. I got a lot out of that book.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by angelia:
<strong>Any of you veterans out there.....please help me think. once you find out - the A is out there in the open. So, how do you decide to stay or go? make a list? feelings? wait a while? HELP!!!!!!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am in the EXACT situation as you, my wife is remorseful, cant believe she did it, sorry sorry sorryy-cry cry cry and more of it. I made a rash decision to ask her back, i knew she wanted to come back too. I think i made a rash decision because i felt i wasnt meeting her emotional needs. Well here I am almost 3 months later and i dont see my wife as the woman i married, she seems like a stranger even though we are VERY close and laugh and play etc.

Do not make a quick decision, think long and hard about taking him back, after you realize what kind of person he is you might not want him back. There will be times you will 100% love him and then times you 100% want to strangle him and throw him out of the car while driving 80mph on the freeway. It is absolute hell living with betrayal and the lies, it is horribly confusing. I have no idea what im doing and ive always been cocky and sharp at making up my mind.
TAKE YOUR TIME...

Everyone is correct. The best advice is to NOT make a life changing decision while your emotions are raw. It's so easy to make a mis-step which will have long reaching results. I'm saying you do NOT have to decide one way or the other right now. By NOT deciding....You're not saying you're willing to stay, you're not saying you're willing to go...you are waiting until the time is right for a decision...on YOUR time table...no one else.

You may discover that your marriage is worth saving and that you wish to attempt to rebuild and repair the damage that your H's affair has caused. You may also discover that what is best for you is to walk your healing path without him beside you. Either can be the right choice. Whichever one you choose will not be easy. Both have rewards and pitfalls, both can bring you happiness and sorrow. Life is full of risks...but it is worth living.

I know that you're wondering if your whole marriage has been a lie, it's something that passes through all BS's minds...well the answer is a resounding "NO!". I'm sure that there has been much of value in your marriage...this error of your H's does NOT take away from all the positives in your marriage.

Just take your time. Make your decision when you are ready...and then work to meet your goals, rather to rebuild a stronger marriage or to seek your happiness on a different path.

I think I'm feeling that leaving would punish him but I love him. He has always been my best friend - my lover - my playmate. I realize it's a couple of months a long time ago that his happened but I feel betrayed. There's so much good in him I almost am in shock he did this. I don't know why I feel the need to make this decision today but I thank you for your advices (all of you) to wait. Thank you for allowing me some time - it makes sense. I just can't help but wonder if I can get past this. the thoughts in my mind are of 'them'. maybe time will take care of that too.

Angelina,

We have all gone through every emotion that you are suffering. Be prepared there are more to come. The roller coaster ride seems never ending but you have to be strong of both mind and body. I wish that someone could give the the response that you are asking about but, You are the only one that can decide.

What is best for you stay or go only you can decide. If you love him and are willing to endure then I wish you the best of luck. If you love him and just can't go on then I respect you for your strength. Listen to the VETS at this forum they are learned and wise. Heed their advice it has gotten me through many tough times. Good Luck and I'm very sorry that you have to suffer this pain. But, you have come to the right place for help.

GOOD LUCK!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> STAY HAPPY (FOR YOURSELF) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

hello- no one yet has mentioned boundries. you are gonna have to come up with what your boundries are for saving your marriage. this is all gonna take time. the boundries you set are part of your plan for saving your marriage. good luck.