I stumbled upon this site yesterday in search of any advice that might make me feel the slightest little bit better. I stayed for 5 hours reading everything about infidelity and I wound up with more hope than just the day before seemed possible. Sunday my husband confessed to me that he is having an affair (which I already was 99% sure was going on). The ow is a mutual friend and a coworker of his that he has known for 2 months. If it was just a one night stand I could deal with it so much better but he says he doesn't know how he feels about her. He told me 2 weeks ago that he felt like he had fallen out of love with me, and that's when i started putting 2 and 2 together. We have had some very hard times over the past year--we've only been married 11 mos. but we lived together for almost 2 yrs and were best friends for 5 years before that. We have had financial problems, my ex husband reappeared in my childrens life earlier this year after 3 yrs of no contact, and my father died in july. We had such a good, strong relationship and i know that we can have that again, but i don't think he knows that. I feel like he has given up on our marriage already without even trying. I haven't asked him to stop seeing her bc i don't think he'll do that, and i don't want to do anything that will push them closer together. He is so confused and i have made every effort to let him know that i am still his friend regardless and i'm not giving up hope for our marriage. I can't leave him. I don't know what else to do or say to let him know that our relationship can be good again, that you don't just "fall" out of love. I just don't know what to do. I'm not ready to give up on him, but i don't want to be sitting here months from now still waiting. wow didn't realize how long this was getting so will try to come to a close. Basically i guess what i want to know is, how do i handle this? He says he loves me, but he doesn't know if what he feels for her is lust or the beginning of something more. I just want us to get past this and work on making our marriage strong and happy for both of us.

dear lostbuthopeful-

welcome to marriage builders! its nice to meet you. my name is nikko and i have been at this for a year. my husband also had an affair with a co-worker. it was short lived also. i wont go into it all-i'll let you ask what you want.

first off-keep reading. thats a great start. get surviving an affair, by the harleys. see if you can get your husband to read it before he makes any choices. the book is a godsend. the people here are also a lifeline.

you are in for a real tough ride, we refer to it as the rollercoaster. its tough, but you can get back a much stronger relationship and get through this. it will take time to do it the right way, and believe me you want to do it right so you both can truelly heal from this.

ask any questions you want and remember time and patience will be part of the healing. i'm here.

thank you nikko. I guess my biggest questions now are how can i help him to figure out what he wants? i think he prefers avoiding the subject entirely and i don't know if he'll make a decision i things stay the way they are. Also, how can i give him hope that out marriage does not have to be over bc of this? he feels like he has fallen out of love with me, but he still loves me, and i think he feels like if our marriage was "meant to be" then he would not have developed any kind of feelings for ow. i know that is wrong, but how can i help him see that? btw i told him about this site last night and plan to show it to him as soon as we have enough time alone to read a lot and discuss things.

dear lost-i will try to answer your questions one at a time. her goes-

you can not help him figure out what he wants. we cannot force people to do things our way. even if you are not forcing he will not really be receptive. you have to start plan a. if you dont know what that is, read about it. you also have to get the book i told you about. it is a blueprint for recovery. yes you will be in limbo for awhile, but limbo is better than rash decisions.

his avoidence, as frustrating as it is is normal. the running joke is something about us getting amnesia. amnesia is the only way to avoid this alltogether. if you dont go through this the right way and heal-you will be dealing with this forever.

ok- as far as falling out of love, what he is feeling with her is infatuation. its the newness of their relationship. they dont have the worries of bills and kids and life in general. they have the rush of secret meetings and plans. when i found out about my husbands otherwoman i wanted to drop off his dirty shorts and laundry, his bills and bankrupcy papers i was dealing with and our two boys, one of which is a 13 yr old nightmare. i love him dearly, and i know its the age.....but a dose of our real reality should have made an impression. you want my life, here!
she would have run screaming.

anyway, if you can afford it, counseling with the harleys is wonderfull. they can make you two a team again. it is a long road, be patient.

i haven't shared this site with my husband, i needed the support and needed a place to scream and yell and cry not around him. these people are a godsend.

i forgot to add- please give me more info-ages, kids how long marred etc..

sorry am getting ready to go try to figure out how to put all this on my profile----
i met my husband in '95--we were friends, eventually best friends until early 2000--we lived together from then on and got married dec 31, 2001

I have 2 daughters (ages 9 and 6) from my first (horrible and abusive, but never had to deal with this) marriage and from the time we moved in together he has been their daddy, my ex was not around

I am 28 and hubby is almost 25--this is my 2nd and his first marriage

I read about plan A and started implementing it yesterday--it was a very good day even though we went out to dinner with ow and her bf--I know, strange situation, but not as bad as i thought it would be--hubby and ow noticed her bf checking me out--I didn't even notice. He told me about it later when we were home and was a little jealous. I think that may be a good sign but I don't want to over analyze every little thing that is said between us-- I know he's "in the fog"

I do have one specific question--we are supposed to go to my mother's for thanksgiving, and were planning to spend a night or 2 there. He's not sure if he wants to go
now--he says that he doesn't want to face my family. I've told them nothing and really can't tell them I know my mom is gonna know as soon as she sees me and I would like him to go with me fo emotional support as it is the 1st holiday get-together since dad died but then again I think it might be good for hm to miss me for a couple days IF he spends any of it at home. Question is, when I ask him later to male a decision about it, should I let him know that I need him, or should I tell him that maybe it will be good fr us to have some time apart? I know he's going to ask me what Iwant or think or else I would just ask him if he's going and jus go aong with his answer.

dear lost-im back, sorry for that.

why were you at dinner with the other woman???????

i am totally confused.

i need to get this before u can help with thanksgiving.

It is a really strange and messed up situation I know. ws and i and ow and her bf were all friends before this--she doesn't know that i know and her bf doesn't know at all (if that makes any sense. I am a firm believer in keep your friends close and your enemies closer. i guess in some small sick way i want the guilt to eat away at her as much as possible--i know (well i've heard) that she feels guilty about the whole situation--i want her to have to face me and my kids and for her to know what she is playing a part in destroying. Think the anger is just starting to hit me--don't know why that wasn't the first thing i felt--maybe bc i do everything bass ackwards anyway--lol

still am going to stick with plan A, but i'm home by myself so i can get as mad as i want to right now.

Dear Lostbuthopeful -

When I read your posting I feel as if you are living my life, sad but true. I have been lurking around here for about a week. It's pretty much the same situation with me, we were best friends, but the stresses of financial problems took it's toll. I found out in May of this year and have heard everything from he wants out of the marriage because he doesn't love me anymore to he's afraid to try because he can't believe all the terrible things he's done to me this year.

I am having the same problem with Thanksgiving, but we are supposed to go to his family for dinner. They know everything, but they think we are working on our relationship because he is still living at home with me. They are/were very angry for what he has done and support me fully, but it is still really hard. I am confused because I don't want to live a fake life and go to Thanksgiving with his family if we really aren't working on our marriage. But then I don't want to rock the boat if he is really working on our marriage in a subtle way by being at home. Either way I can't win so I understand your delimma.

I can relate to you totally, I wish I had some answers. I am pretty much just lying low for a while and feeling it out. As for the OW, you are very strong to keep it quiet. It's a very smart thing to do, and very hard. As for me, I snooped until I found out all I could and confronted her. If she wanted my life so much, she damn well was going to find out what it was going to be like with me in it. We have 3 kids and even if he left me for her, she was stuck with me forever and I wanted her to know I wasn't going away. I think it worked - their relationship has dwindled more and more everytime I contact her. The best is that my husband doesn't even get angry that I contact her. He says that he has no right to tell me what to do after what he has done to me. Hey, gotta find some enjoyment in this mess <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It is extremely hard to keep my big mouth shut--sometimes i just want to beat their heads together and force them to see that what they are both doing is wrong. i want to scream at my husband that he is destroying everything that we have built together but am still keeping my composure. This plan A stuff sure isn't easy. Just started it yesterday and don't know how long i can keep it up. i feel like i am tiptoeing around his feelings with everything i say and do. i know that he oves me and i really want things to work, but i also want him to know that the longer he puts off dealing with this and making a decision, the more it is going to hurt all involved. don't know what i'm going to do about thanksgiving--i want to talk to him about it tonight and find out what he is going to do so i can let my mom know. and i know that's going to open up a big can of worms. i don't want to tell her--i know exactly what she will say--but i hate to lie to her. i wonder how much he sees that this is affecting every aspect of my life?

I pretty much did all that, the yelling and screaming and all the late night discussions about what damage they are causing. The sad thing is that none of that really worked, it only made him more defensive. I guess I started the plan A thing awhile ago (I just found this site last week). Once the shock of it all wore off, I just started living day by day and the calmer I was the better we got along. I tell you, if you saw us you would never know. I feel we really are the best of friends and once I calmed down I finally saw remorse from him. He no longer defends what he did, but can't find it himself to work on us. But I tell you the plan A stuff does get easier once you get into it and I find it to be very effective. You won't have to tiptoe all the time. I still voice my opinion, but will try to find a positive spin to put on it. I just think that it is easier to call it quits without giving it a try. It just seems so pointless to get all your feelings and frustrations out and then not get/give the chance to make things better.

I just don't know anymore, but I do think it does get a little easier each day. I wish you luck and hang in there - if you think positive, positive things will happen.

thank you cbh--am trying to stay in positive thinking mode. i wish you the best also, and if you want to vent at any time to someone who's going thru the same thing, feel free to email me or if you have msn msgr you can add me to that too.

btw he told his father (who still doesn't know we are married--whole nother topic) what is going on and his dad gave him what i consider to be good but bad advice--he said not to stay just for kids' sake and not to spend his life in a bad relationship. i feel that in some way this validates the affair and the last thing H needs now is to think that all this is ok.

I agree with you, good but bad advice. He forgot an important part. He is right not to stay for just the kids or to stay in a bad relationship, but if he was that unhappy he should have spoke up before the affair. That way you would be dealing with the issues at hand and not adding more problems and another person into your marriage. I said the exact same thing to my husband a lot when I first found out. Now it is a mute point.

Figure this one out, My mother lives with us in a basement apartment. She doesn't know any of this, but his family knows it all. I just couldn't live with my mom knowing all this garbage, so I keep it from her so she doesn't take it out on him if we decide to stay together.

Oh well, hind site is 20/20. I guess the best we can do is go day by day and hope for the best. My plan is to sit tight for the holiday's and deal with it again in the new year.

Thanks again and feel free to vent to me anytime! I completly understand what you are going through.

Well we had a talk last night--he initiated it. Don't know if we got anywhere but i guess it's good that we did communicate about this whole issue in a reasonable manner. he is seriously sending me mixed messages--first he says that he knows he has fallen out of love with me and doesn't know if he can ever be happy with me and 5 minutes later he said that if we do try to work things out he will be open to ideas that i am getting from this site and give it an honest try. he really wanted reassurance that if we split up then we will still be friends. i told him i always want to be his friend but i don't know how well it would work, especially in the first while after the breakup. from what i could judge by the look on his face, this may have caused a little panic in his head--think it really was the first time he even thought about not having me in his life at all, even as a friend. i told him i don't know if i could handle him coming over and having to watch him leave all the time. i know that he knows he's hurting me, but i don't think he has any idea how much, not that i really expect him to. another thing he has done several times, again last night, is tell me that he will stay and work it out to keep me from being hurt. every time he says it i just want to say ok, fine but i know that wouldn't be right. i want him, but i don't want him to stay for the wrong reasons. i want him to see that all hope is not lost and that he can choose to try to make our marriage work, that it doesn't have to be the end. know there really is no way to make him see this, i just wish he would open his eyes and see that if we're both still here and can both still say that we love each other and can talk the way that we do, all is not lost, it just needs some rebuilding.

well i guess i needed to vent--seem to be doing a lot of that lately. i think my feelings about the whole situation change about every 5 minutes, and this morning i feel that maybe it's not worth all the pain. i feel so emotionally abandoned and unloved. i feel like i am giving and giving and he is just taking and taking. i know that with every day that passes i feel more drained and i think my hope for my marriage is diminishing every day. whether intentional or not, he says and does (or doesn't do) things every day that hurt me, not mean or insulting, just things that are making me feel less and less hope for the future of our marriage.

whoa didn't really see all that coming when i started typing.

to anyone who happens to read this:
all opinions and/or advice are welcome, needed, and greatly appreciated.

Hello again -

I know you are not going to want to hear this, I know I cringed every time it was said to me, but here it goes.....it is going to take time. Your situation is still very fresh. I pushed and pushed at the begining because it just didn't make sense to me that if I was willing to forgive what he had done then what was the problem. Why couldn't he be like "great, let's work on us. I want to stay with you and everything was a great big mistake". Unfortunately, they are an emotional mess right now and the guilt for what they have done is overwhelming to them. It's sad, I actually feel sorry for my husband right now. I see the pain he is in, he is so depressed it scares me. I know he knows how much he has hurt me and I think that is why he is having so much trouble saying he wants to work on this because he is afraid of hurting me like this again. I keep telling him that there are no guarantees in life, there were none when we got married and there will be none if we decide to try. I tell him that I am a big girl and if I didn't think I could handle this I would have called it quits.

What I have been doing for the last couple of months is just to try to avoid the subject of working on our relationship. I just go day by day and include him where I can but not push too hard. Give some space and not expect too much from him. It's not easy when you are still living together, but I try to give as much as I can with no expectations.

Their heads are really messed up right now. The only thing that I can do is try to make things as normal as possible and to try to stay positive. I am hoping that it will rub off on him eventually and pull him out of the depression. We actually have some good days and I am hoping that we will have more and more good days and it will be harder for him to want to leave.

Maybe the whole "actions speak louder than words" theory will work!

Hi

I have just started plan A as well and would really like to hear from you what success you have with it. My story is on betrayed by my best friend so I won't go into details here - I seem to have written too much already.

I have just agreed with my H that we will continue to live together but seperatly. Thgis is going to be really tough but I have to as I love him too much to let go. I am worried that he will see this as allowing his A to continue with my blessing and am confused as to how I can Plan A without giving him that impression. All I do know is that if he is pushed too much we do stand a chance of getting together properly again.

I guess I have plan A'd it for the last 2months on and off but have been too desperate and needy for it to have any lasting effect. I think our partners need to know that any changes we make are for us, rather than for them otherwise they will seem to be shallow. My H does not think that the marriage can survive with only me working on it but I intend to prove him wrong. He says he loves me and I know he does. At the moment he is confused and his confusion is being manipulated by the ow (my ex best friend).

I would love to hear how it goes witn you and offer you the best of luck.

hi cbh-

i know that it takes time, just don't know how long i can handle doing this. at times it just feels so unnatural to act like everything is ok and keep on getting more and more hurt. maybe i'm just having a bad day, maybe tomorrow will be better.

have been toying with the idea of getting this out in the open--i feel so bad for OW's bf, he doesn't even know what is going on. well, i think he suspects, and is probably wondering what is going on with her. it's also hard that i am around them, everybody hangs out together, and everybody but him knows what's going on, but she doesn't know that i know. what a mess!
i do know that i would not just go and tell him or her on the spur of the moment--that s a big risk for me. and with all this plan Aing, i feel the need to look after myself more (maybe a good thing?) even if it means being selfish.

Hi HJ -

I only found this site last week. I wish I found it sooner as I would have had some guidance, but I just did what I felt was right at the time I was going through it. If I felt desparate and needy then I tried to speak to him about us. If I felt strong then I went about my business and included him if I wanted to. The funny thing is that if I didn't include him I could see that he felt left out.

I got to a low point around the end of August that I just felt that I was pushing too hard. I never gave up on the fact that the A had to end. I contacted her by phone and I wrote her (I did a lot of snooping and got her phone numbers and address). I found out that he did a lot of lying to her also (he confessed to that). So, I felt it important to inform her that her world with him wasn't perfect either. After that she started to pull away and that's where he started to get depressed and realize the damage he did to both of us. When I wrote her the letter I wrote one to him also. I told him that I still loved him, but I was letting him go. He needed to figure out what he wanted and he needed to clear his head so that he could fix the damage he did. I reminded him that I would always be there for him but I couldn't do this for him. I said that I thought we could have a better relationship going forward because we have learned so much about ourselves (good and bad) and that neither of us wanted to go back to way things were before. I never asked him to leave our home and he never has during this. The letter was a way of me expressing my feelings for him without being in his face about it, for me to say every thing I wanted to without being interrupted or distracted.

After I sent the letter we started to get along much better, it was if by me letting him go (even if it was only in words and not a physical thing as he is still living with us) lifted a weight off of him. That he could focus on one thing at a time and I feel that it is important that if we are to continue our marriage that he be in a healthy state of mind. If he feels overwhelmed again things might go back to the way they were. After I found this site I felt reassured that I was on the right track.

It not easy, it's probably the hardest thing I have ever done. In the long run I think it's worth it. If for nothing else, we are building our friendship back up again and what is marriage anyway, a really strong and close friendship.

Hang in there and I wish you the best of luck!

hi HJ--

I have been wondering the same thing--it does seem like plan A may validate the affair in his mind. I did say last night in the conversation that we had that there is no excuse for having an affair. i told him it was a conscious choice that he made, whether he believes that right now or not (which he doesn't--it "just happened" and "wasn't planned" yeah whatever)

We have agreed not to make any quick decisions--unforunately this also means that he is still seeing ow. that is one of the hardest things to deal with right now. anyway for now, we are still living together and i don't think either of us plans to change that for the time being. of course according to him, he didn't "plan" to get involved with HER either, so i expect that could change at a moment's notice along with everything else.

Another thing that i worry about with plan A is this seems like i am creating a fantasy just as much as he and the ow are. What is going to hapen if we work things out and reality sets in that i can't be doing all the giving and him doing all the taking? and i am not going to tiptoe around everything and avoid things that are painful in reality? the same reality that ends affairs.....can it not end a marriage also???