I'm new here. I stumbled accross this site last night while I was looking for info or advice on what I just found out. I've been married for about 11 years, and just yesterday found out that in the first year of our marriage, my wife had an affair with a guy from her work. She says it was not a long term thing, that she only slept with him twice, and that since then she has not strayed again. I was stunned and very angry. But I don't know how angry I should be. She says it was a long time ago, and has not happened again. She also says she loves me, and didn't want to hurt me, which is why she never told me. She says it was just a mistake.

I don't know what to say or think. I never knew and for all this time I have been very happy and thought she was too. But I can't understand this. I have a knot in my stomach that won't go away. How do I know she is telling me the truth about what has happened since then? I mean, could there be more that she is not telling me about? I can't bear to look at her or talk to her right now. What do I do? Assuming she is telling truth, and it was just one time, I almost wish I had not found out. How can I ever look at her the same way again? Can I trust her? Things recently have been very good between us, as always, so would marriage couseling help? Or should I just get help alone?

I also have to add that a part of me was not very surprised to find this out. When I met her I was hesitant to get involved with her because of her past, which was a little less,,,,moral than I would have liked. But I fell in love with her and I felt like she really loved me, so would change. She says this was just one more mistake like all the ones before she met me, but that being with me changed her. But can I believe it?
Eric

Eric,
This is a tough situation because it is a new crisis for you and an old mistake to your wife. You are going to feel betryed, hurt, untrusting, angry, etc. Just like someone sucker punched you in the gut and knocked the wind out of you. Is your W at all sorry for what she did or does she just dismiss it as an "old mistake"? Does she see why you are feeling these feelings and offer support and comfort? You say that you two are getting along great lately so that tells me she is behind you all the way. Take your time in dealing with your emotions so as not to do anything rash. Seek support and help from your wife...but don't milk it. Don't use this to get your way in things. The love you have for each other is enough.

Jetes

Eric,

As you can see from my sig line I have had a similar experience.

I sit here shaking my head at the feelings I have felt that are so conflicted as a result of H's affair that happened 4 years ago. Having just found out 3/7/02, I've been trying to process the feelings that are current; and the memories from 4 years ago. Trying to make sense of it all.

How did you find out? I have other thoughts for you as well, if you're interested.

There aren't many on this board who have a similar situation; I am sorry you are here; but welcome you because you'll find the kindest people here who can relate to how you feel.

This website has been a life-saver for me. Blessings, CSue

Hang in there buddy. You are in for an emotional roller coaster ride, and I suggest you peruse this site and the accompanying books for the answers you seek.

The timing of the revelation seems odd to me, if the affair ended as it did 10 years ago without you ever suspecting. Did you confront her recently, or did she simply reveal it to you? And if so, why after so long? She may be telling you the truth (you should allow for that possibility). You don't say what kind of past she had, but I can sympathize with you there. My W also had a past that suggested that an affair was a possibility, and I just blissfully ignored it to my great misery.

EricM

What you are feeling is totally natural, and all of us BS(betrayed spouses) have gone thru it. I'd like to suggest that you read the Harley books 'Surviving an affair''His needs Her needs' and 'Love busters' and that you and your FWW(former wayward wife) seek out counseling with a marriage oriented professional.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Original post by dcr:

"The timing of the revelation seems odd to me, if the affair ended as it did 10 years ago without you ever suspecting. Did you confront her recently, or did she simply reveal it to you? And if so, why after so long? She may be telling you the truth (you should allow for that possibility)."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I too have those same questions along with did she show any remorse for her A(affair) after she told you about it? or was she defensive and standoffish towards you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Original post by EricM:

"I also have to add that a part of me was not very surprised to find this out. When I met her I was hesitant to get involved with her because of her past, which was a little less,,,,moral than I would have liked. But I fell in love with her and I felt like she really loved me, so would change. She says this was just one more mistake like all the ones before she met me, but that being with me changed her. But can I believe it?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To answer this last question I'd like you to go back to the time just after you married her (pre-A) and the time after she ended her A(affair) and remember if you noticed any changes in behavior. Was her behavior before the time of her A similar to her behavior before you married her? Did her behavior change after the end of her A to what it is presently? If this is the case, then there is a pretty strong possibility that she is telling you the truth.

Affairs are born out of dishonesty, lies and deceit. Take away all three and the environment for an A(affair) to become reality diminishes considerably. But a safe environment where telling the truth is not going to be met with punishment is a must for honesty to survive and florish. If you punish her for being truthful, then she won't come to you in the future for fear of what your reaction will be to a truth she wants to share with you.

Even though you may not beleive it, you've got an excellent opportunity to build a better M(marriage) if you don't let your negative emotions get the best of you and destroy the love she feels for you. Your worst enemy is the one that looks back at you in the mirror. Your presence here is proof enough that you do not want your M(marriage) to end but want some advice on how to deal with this devastating blow.

Keep posting because the combined wisdom of BS(betrayed spouses) and WS(wayward spouses) will help you tremendously look at things that you may have not thought about before.

Good luck and God bless.

My WH had an affair 13 years ago which I found out about the next day. I just found out last week that he had another one 2 months ago.
Anyway, the first time it happened I told him that if it ever happened again, don't tell me about it because it did me no good to know while it helped him to feel better - relief.
When I confronted him last week, he initially lied about the new A until later in the afternoon when I had "proof" of it. I asked him why he lied about it after I point blank asked him. He told me that the first time I asked him not to tell me about it if it happened again.
So there you go. Ask and ye shall receive. In retrospect, I wish he had told me because I can see now how torn up and distant he's been in the last two months. I was also distant knowing something was wrong but wondering if I cared enough to find out and deal with it. I now believe in truth and honesty and I want despartely to know all the details of the sordid little A so that I will have the power of knowledge.
That's my advice - and I'm stickin' to it.
Good Luck

To everyone who replied to me, thank you. I am overwelmed that so many people would care and try to give good advice. Lots of questions were asked, so I will try to answer them all as best as I can. I'm at work now, and haven't really talked to my wife since this all came out in the open yesterday.

The reason it took so long for me to find out and how I found out are related, I guess. I was in the military back when this occured, on active duty. About four years ago, I left active duty but remained in the reserves. Just about a month ago, I resigned from the reserves. While outprocessing from my unit, among the many things I had to gather and turn in were our medical records. Before I turned them in, I decided to make copies of all of our medical records so we would have them for reference. While making copies of her records, I came accross a page where she was treated for Trichomonas(? spelling). I did not know what that was so I looked it up on the internet, and found out it is a STD. I remember when she had it, cause I took some medicine for it too. But, at the time she told me it was a yeast infection. The doctor gave her some medicine for me too, and I never questioned that it might not be what she said it was. At the time, maybe I was foolish, but it never crossed my mind that she might be lying to me, so I just took the medicine without even questioning it. After researching this on the internet, and finding out that Trichomonas is not a simple yeast infection, I confronted her about it. She admitted that yes, she knew it was Trichomonas, that it was a STD, and that she lied to me about what she had, and what I was taking medicine for. My heart sunk, and I asked what I thought was the logical next question, did she cheat on me and get infected that way? As she broke down crying, she said yes. While she told me everything, she looked awful, and I could tell that this was very difficult for her. She said she never wanted to hurt me, and would never again do anything to hurt me. She said she doesn't know why she did what she did, that it just happened and she felt very ashamed, and that she knew how I felt about infidelity and she didn't want to hurt me, so she never told me. Then, a month or so after the affair, and she
started having the symptoms that led her to the doctor, she debated telling me then, but again decided that she did not want to hurt me and did not want to loose me. She said she realized she would never do this again, so she decided to keep hiding this from me if she could. And I was naive and stupid enough, and I guess blind that she was able to pull this off. I don't remember anything behavior wise which would have clued me in on what was happening at the time. I do remember briefly thinking she was very upset for a yeast infection, but again, I just blindly trusted her and never thought any more about it. Yes, I think she feels remorse over it, and for hiding it from me. I guess I do have to give her credit for not outright lying to a direct question when I confronted her. But I feel like a [censored]. How could I have been so blind? I feel like an idiot for ever trusting her to begin with. I thought my love had changed her, and maybe it has. I asked her if this has happened again, and she says absolutely not. I tend to believe her, but I find it hard to believe anything she says anymore, given that she has lived a lie for ten years. I also will have a hard time ever talking to her mother again. It turns out she knew all along, and told her to never tell me what happened. I don't know who else knows, but I feel like everyone in her family knows and looks at me like some blundering fool. Also, we have children now. Should I tell them? Or my family. Can people really change or do I need to be on my toes for the rest of my life, looking for signs that she may be straying.

Thanks for letting me come here, and look for support. This was very long winded, but it feels good to be able to tell someone.
Eric

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But a safe environment where telling the truth is not going to be met with punishment is a must for honesty to survive and florish. If you punish her for being truthful, then she won't come to you in the future for fear of what your reaction will be to a truth she wants to share with you.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I found it difficult to agree with TooMuchCoffeeMan about the quote above.
It is not telling the truth that lands people in trouble; it is the reprehensible behaviors that come to light as a result. If a person does the right thing, telling the truth a million times will not change that fact.
However, if we do wrong, we should expect to bear the consequences, whatever they may be. An environment is not necessarily unsafe simply because we receive the just punishments for our wayward behaviors.
Truth telling is only a virtue when we engage in it, knowing it may force us to face up to some unpleasant, but well-deserved experiences.

I don't know if you have looked around on all the topics yet, but there is a good one going on under "General Discussion II about "When an affair is exposed to the light of day.." or something like that. It has some really good discussions about who to tell, when to tell, etc. You don't say how old your kids are so no advice to give there.
As of now, we are keeping everything secret and are pretending nothing is wrong. There's another post about that over at General Discussion, also.

Good luck, keep reading, do the questionnaires. I have filled them out and am waiting for WH to do the same. He's working on them diligently.

It's incredible but there are wonderful people all over this board that have shared almost every feeling, situation and problem that you are.

Please give it time and don't do anything rash.
That's all the advice for now, I must go see if anyone has any for me.....
DB

Eric,

Boy, can I relate to you! I think you are handling your situation well. Your wife gave you a gift when she was honest when you asked her about the A.

That took courage on her part, and she deserves credit for that.

What you are dealing with is complex in many ways. 1st - she has had the opportunity to process this at some level over the past 10+ years; however the guilt she has carried during this time is great. It's been a tremendous burden and is something you'll be in a position to help her with as you process what happened.

2nd - This is new to you; so where you are emotionally is very different from where she is. H and I went around and around about this.

Blessings in this for you are that the A is in the past and she's not "in love" with someone else. As you read this forum, you will see that people in the situation where the A is ongoing are dealing with that agony. You are spared that.
Also you both want to stay in the marriage. Your children deserve your best efforts.

However, what I find with me anyway is that H's ability to live with the dishonesty of his actions for so long is troubling. This is as great a problem for me if not greater than the A itself. He said pretty much the same thing your W said regarding why he didn't tell me back then.

And the level of her dishonesty for such a long time will mess with your ability to trust her now and in the future. You'll find yourself questioning what is "Real" and what isn't for a long time. Drives me crazy!!!

You will both need to process this as though it was a current event, not a historical one. It's the only way to make your marriage better as a result. Absolutely no shortcuts allowed in order to achieve real healing. Doesn't matter that it happened so long ago.

As far as revealing to others; H and I didn't see the point. We didn't feel anyone would understand; and we really didn't want their judgments/opinions.

Counseling and posting to this forum is my support. There's nothing like having people who have walked in my shoes to give me the validation of feelings I have needed. H & I have left the door open to tell others; it's just something we want to agree on first.

I invite your wife to post here as well. She is hurting too and could use support. There are people to support her on this forum too. However, some posters are in such pain that they find it difficult to be compassionate and understanding. My H hasn't come close to this forum.

Eric, you sound like you are doing well. Glad you found us here! CSue

Hi Eric,

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry that you are going through all of this... I know what you must be feelings as my wife waited 10 years to tell me about two affairs that she had while we were stationed overseas...

It hurt just as much 10 years later as it would have if I'd found out the next day....

It does sound as if your W is being honest with you... even if you did find out without her actually telling you on her own.

If you're like me, you're probably wondering if your wife strayed any other times... you're wondering if you can really trust your "feelings"... you don't know how someone could "do this" to someone they love... All of these feelings are "normal". Don't make any quick decisions right now... read all of the articles here on the MB web site and get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder.

Find a good pro-marriage marriage counselor and start going to MCing... This was very helpful for us and kept us from spinning our wheels needlessly.

Take your wife's words at face value and don't read anything into them... then see if her ACTIONS back up her words. It will take time to regain the trust that's been broken, but believe me, it IS possible to trust your W again.

Best of luck and please let us know how you're doing... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Eric,

I rarely disagree with CSue and I do agree with almost all of her post, but her first statement I do disagree with.

She said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Boy, can I relate to you! I think you are handling your situation well. Your wife gave you a gift when she was honest when you asked her about the A.

That took courage on her part, and she deserves credit for that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She didn’t confess. You knew the answer before you asked because you now know what her medical problem was. She had no choice really. However, to her credit she didn’t do what many do and that was to try and bluster her way through this. She does get credit for that.

You are another example I am going to use when WS’s post here and ask “should I tell my spouse? It would only hurt him and I will never do this again.” You would not believe how often we get such posts here. The advice is always tell, he/she will find out very likely. In your case it was a unlikely but reasonable thing that led to this.

You posted a few things I thought I would respond to. I really like CSue’s advice to treat this like it just happened. It did to you, and it did to your marriage. Only your W and MIL knew. I would also like to suggest to you that your marriage may well become much better than it has been IF you two do the work. Why?

Well in order to keep this lie a secret she has had to wall off part of who she is to protect it. She has had to be very careful with expressing things to you. The marriage has been damage all along by her trying to protect herself. No she doesn’t have to and hopefully you will see a happier and more open W.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then, a month or so after the affair, and she started having the symptoms that led her to the doctor, she debated telling me then, but again decided that she did not want to hurt me and did not want to loose me. She said she realized she would never do this again, so she decided to keep hiding this from me if she could. And I was naive and stupid enough, and I guess blind that she was able to pull this off. I don't remember anything behavior wise which would have clued me in on what was happening at the time. I do remember briefly thinking she was very upset for a yeast infection, but again, I just blindly trusted her and never thought any more about it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don’t think the word naïve is correct. You trusted her you should never feel bad for trusting her, she was and is your W.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Yes, I think she feels remorse over it, and for hiding it from me. I guess I do have to give her credit for not outright lying to a direct question when I confronted her. But I feel like a [censored]. How could I have been so blind? I feel like an idiot for ever trusting her to begin with. I thought my love had changed her, and maybe it has. I asked her if this has happened again, and she says absolutely not. I tend to believe her, but I find it hard to believe anything she says anymore, given that she has lived a lie for ten years.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you need to realize that you weren’t blind, just trusting. Now you don’t feel you can trust her. That must change but two things need to happen. One, she probably needs to hear from you the words you have just posted. Two the two of you need to sit down and face the fact that you don’t trust her but want to. And decide on a plan that you both can carryout that will lead to your trust. It will take time. But trust is simply the ability to predict what someone will do before they do it. This is based on observed or assumed behavior on the part of the person doing the trusting. She can build trust with demonstrated consistent behavior. But, it will need to be verified. Harley, claims that “blind trust” has no place in a marriage because we are all susceptible to affairs. The best way is to not simply trust but be proactive to protect the marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also will have a hard time ever talking to her mother again. It turns out she knew all along, and told her to never tell me what happened. I don't know who else knows, but I feel like everyone in her family knows and looks at me like some blundering fool. Also, we have children now. Should I tell them? Or my family.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you need to express to your W your feelings about her mother. But, recognize that many counselors and yes even clergy would have offered the same advice to your W. Sadly, this is what leads to the deterioration of the marriage because neither of you can address the issues that led to the affair in the first place. This is something you and your W need to discuss as well. What was it that led to the affair? What could you do differently as a husband to make her happier and less likely to make this decision?

I don’t know if you need to tell your children. Frankly, the fewer people that know the easier it will be for both of you to recover. It is probably important to find out from your W and your MIL (I presume she knows you now know) who has been told of this. If for you own piece of mind.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Can people really change or do I need to be on my toes for the rest of my life, looking for signs that she may be straying.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup, people often do change. Usually, it takes some form of education, self-awareness, and addressing of the issues that lead to a certain behavior. Then change is very possible and permanent, if the person understands and accepts the reasons for their need for change. It is expected of betrayed spouses (BS’s) and wayward spouses (WS).

Well, I must go. I hope something I have said will be of use.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by anidea:
<strong> I found it difficult to agree with TooMuchCoffeeMan about the quote above.
It is not telling the truth that lands people in trouble; it is the reprehensible behaviors that come to light as a result. If a person does the right thing, telling the truth a million times will not change that fact.
However, if we do wrong, we should expect to bear the consequences, whatever they may be. An environment is not necessarily unsafe simply because we receive the just punishments for our wayward behaviors.
Truth telling is only a virtue when we engage in it, knowing it may force us to face up to some unpleasant, but well-deserved experiences.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh morally I agree with you BUT from a practical standpoint of saving a M, punishing a WS for revealing the truth about the A, will not help the cause in the least. Besides the worst kind of punishment a person can be subjected to is the one carried out by his/her conscience.

<small>[ November 19, 2002, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Ok everyone, I am headed home. Hopefully, we can get the kids down early so we can have a long talk. Thanks again for the advice. I promise not to do anything rash, or let my emotions get the best of me, though I am extremely mad(among other things). I don't want to make things worse.

I notice that someone asked what it was in my wifes past that made me not be totally surprised. My wife and I come from totally different backgrounds, family wise. I am fortunate to come from a family where my parents love each other to this day, and were great parents who took an active roll in my life to this day. They taught my siblings and me to respect ourselves and respect others, and they were great examples. They also had long talks with me about sex, and how it relates to self respect and respect for others. So I had a good moral base as I headed into adulthood.

My wife on the otherhand was not blessed with an upbringing like mine. Her parents divorced when she was 14, after years of fighting, and neglect of the kids needs. After the divorce, her dad got involved with another woman and pretty much forgot about his family. Her mom, kinda went wild after the divorce, going out a lot with many men, sometimes not coming home, and basically not taking much interest in her children either. All this kinda destroyed my wifes self esteem. In her past prior to me, she was fairly promiscuos. When she revealed it to me, as I said, I was spooked, but she said she felt bad about herself and the attention she got from guys helped make her feel good about herself. By the time I met her, she said she had finally started to figure out that the attention she was getting had nothing to do with guys respecting her, or even liking her, but had more to do with them wanting something else. So, I think prior to meeting me even, she had started to figure out where she had been making mistakes, but still, I was hesitant to get involved with her. But, what can I say, there was and is just something about her that makes me want to take care of her. I have always felt that way, since the day I met her. I feel like I have taken care of her. I feel like I am and have been a good husband. I don't understand how this could have happened, especially back then when we were still newlyweds. More than anything, I would just like to know why? I want to trust her again, but how can I?

Goodnight everyone. I'll let you know how things go tomorrow.
Eric

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Original post by EricM:

"I don't understand how this could have happened, especially back then when we were still newlyweds. More than anything, I would just like to know why? I want to trust her again, but how can I?"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately we are never taught about infidelity and how prevalent it is in most marriages, so we are totally unprepared when it happens to us. Infidelity is one of the greatest taboo subjects at the present time.

You said that your wife's affair happened during the time you were in the military and away from home. Your absence and the presence of an OM(other man) coupled with a young woman brought up with no positive parental role models and lacked the maturity to set up strictly enforced boundaries around herself and other men, all add up to a recipe for an A(affair).

The way to trust her is to observe if her actions match her words. If she establishes a history of truthfulness to you, then your trust in her will be regained but it will take time. Just like pride has a good side and a bad side, so does trust and the bad side of trust is called blind trust (a trust where you close your eyes to the dangers to the marriage that exists out there). Dr Willard Harley states that blind trust should never be part of any marriage, whether it's affected by an affair or not.

Please get counseling (individual and married) for both of you. Explain that it's not for assigning blame but to help both of you correct any issues that contributed to her affair.

Eric - you have received good advice here. "Torn Asunder" is a great book for getting on the road to recovery for both of you. "Surviving an Affair" by Harley, and the How to Survive Infidelity section of Q&A part of this web site are great resources for gaining more insight, especially into causes (though bottom line is TMCM is right about it being a lack of appropriate boundaries)

Have a paternity test done to make sure that you don't have more surprises down the road.

Good morning everyone. Had a long talk with my wife last night. When I got home, she was not there, and I thought, uh oh. But about fifteen minutes later, she came in, without the kids. I asked where they were, and she said she had taken them to her mom’s house for the night. This is not unusual, so the kids probably did not wonder what was going on. I have to add that while my mother in law certainly dropped the ball as a mother when my wife was a teen, and I think she gave my wife bad advice about the affair, she is certainly a wonderful grandmother. Very active with our kids, and her other grandchild. Always trying to something special for them. My only compliant would be that she has a habit of telling the kids about something she wants to buy them, or someplace she wants to take them, before she checks it out with us. Then, we are the bad guys if we end up saying no for some reason.

Anyway, after my wife told me where the kids were, the first thing out of my mouth was one word, “why”? She said she didn’t want to make excuses, that what she did was wrong, and should have never happened. I told her I agree, but I would still like to know how it happened. Was I a bad husband? Was I not satisfying her? Did she not love me? So, then she started to tell me how it happened. The guy was someone from work. He had flirted with her in the past, but it never went anywhere, and she said she did not want it too. But she admitted she thought he was cute. I ended up deploying with the military. I wasn’t gone all that long though(six weeks). She told me that there were some people from work who did things as a group a lot (she had never gone) but she figured since I was gone, no reason to sit at home. So she started to go along when they did things. Of course, he was there everytime. The flirting evidently started up again. She said she thought he was cute, and he was telling her how pretty she was, how sexy she was, and how much he liked her. A couple of weeks later, there was a party and she went along. He was there again, and as the party wore on, she got a little drunk. One thing led to another that night, and she slept with him. A couple of nights later, she went over to his apartment, where they ordered dinner, and that was the second time she slept with him.

She told me that the first time, after she got home and woke up the next morning, she felt bad, but lay the blame on being drunk, and figured it would never happen again. At that point I got really pissed off, and asked if she felt bad, what in the word possessed her to go to his apartment and have dinner with him!! She only said she doesn’t really know. She said she was lonely while I was gone, and he was saying nice things to her. Anyway, she said the second time, at his apartment, as soon as things started progressing beyond kissing, she started to realize she was making a big mistake, and did not want to do it. I asked if she tried to stop it? Did he rape her? She said no. Again, I got really mad and asked if she knew she was making a mistake as it was happening, why did she go through with it?? She said she couldn’t get the words out, and she didn’t want to make him mad, so she just let it happen. (Yeah, didn’t want to make him mad. She has never had any problem shutting me down when she wanted too.) She said she felt awful, and got out of there as soon as she could. The next day at work, she says she told him it can never happen again and he should stay away from her, which she says he did. He ended up leaving that company about four months later.

She confided in her mother almost immediately, and she says her mother got very angry with her and asked what in the hell she was doing. They talked about it all, and her mother told her that if she wanted to stay married to me, to never tell me. Her mother said I would leave her if I found out. (I have to admit, if I had found out at that time, I probably would not have taken it well)

My wife kept telling me over and over that she is so sorry this happened, that it has not and will not ever happen again. Its weird, and its maybe because of the time lag involved, but I am mostly hurt by the fact that she lived a lie for so long, and not as much hurt by the actual affair. I told her that, and she said it hasn’t been easy, that almost anytime she thought about it, she wanted to tell me.

I feel pretty confident that she is telling the truth, that it has not happened again. But how do I know for sure? I mean she lived this lie for ten years? What if she is still hiding something, how will I ever know? When I read the replies to me this morning, someone mentioned a paternity test. Our older child is still young enough that she could not be from this affair. Should I have the test? How do I even go about that? Should I believe her? I mean, short of another chance discovery, could there be others that she is not telling me only because I have not discovered anything? How do I deal with her mom? How long before this pain goes away, cause it feels like it never will?

Thanks for listening everyone. This has been very long, and as I am at work, I need to end it. I would appreciate any continued thoughts on how I should handle this, and how to get my trust back.
Eric

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would appreciate any continued thoughts on how I should handle this, and how to get my trust back. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Read "Torn Asunder" together. Discuss it. This will take time. We cannot give you an instant cure. It will take time. In the weeks and months it takes to go through the book, the trust question will be answered. SAA will answer most of the "Why?" question, if you take time and effort to do the Emotional Needs questionaire, and the Love Busters Questionaire. It will help with the trust issue, too. The authors wrote those books because what we could tell you in a post on this board is not going to be sufficient. Seeing a good MC can be helpful, too. It could easily take two years for you to get over this. Time...and what you do with it, is the answer.

Eric,

I have read all of your posts. It sounds as though your wife is truly remorseful. Her explanation makes sense (not excusable - but I think you could see her point of view). Her mothers response also makes sense from her own experience. I hope you are able to get past this - it is possible that a combination of her past, this affair, and guilt will make her less likely for future infidelity than the average person.

By the way, although it took your discovery to initiate the confession - it appeared that she was looking for the opportunity to do so. Carrying this burdon for that many years is diffficult.

good luck