Hello, I am new to all of this (unfortunately). I have been lurking around for about a week trying to figure out what I am going to do, looking for any answers I can find.

I don't know where to begin.....I have been married for 6 years, but together for 13. I found out back in May that my husband was having an affair, I pretty much knew before, but had no solid evidence and when I questioned him he denyed it. Someone sent me a letter letting me know and when I showed him he finally came clean. It was like a weight was lifted off of both of us; for him it was his guilt and for me it was the fact that I wasn't going crazy. After he came clean he pretty much said we were over, that we wasn't in love with me anymore. I was 6 months pregnant at the time and he said he wanted to stay until the baby was born to help out, but then after that he was gone. Under my circumstances, I was so scared to be having the baby alone that I half-heartedly agreed. I knew that we weren't happy for a while, we have financial problems (which were mostly his from before we got married) that seemed to just be getting worse (I know he had a really hard time with this, he felt totally responsible), then the baby was unexpected (we already had 2 other children) and added even more stress to both of us. I always knew that he struggled with the fact that out finances were all screwed up, but I never expected him to have an affair!

Well, after some soul searching I began to reflect on how I could make some good out of this situation. We have talked and talked. After I found out I did a lot of snooping. I found her phone numbers on his cell and traced them to get her address. I have tried to confront her, but she never seems to be home when I get the guts to go by. I have called her and written her. The first time I called I told her I hoped he did this to her when she get's pregnant, guess what, she didn't know I was! You think she would run screaming from this info - well she didn't. I wrote her a long letter letting her know all the damage that was being done to my family for their actions and how she could live with herself. I feel that the letter somewhat got through to her based on what my husband would tell me. He never got upset that I contacted her. He would ask me not to, but he knew that he didn't have the right to do so. That was in July. Since then he said that he wanted to try on the marriage, but I knew it was too soon. I could tell that he just wasn't into it and I confronted him on it. He says that he loves me but he is just not sure how to go forward and if we even can after all of this. If you saw us, you would never know. We are the best of friends, would do just about anything for eachother. I understand what lead to the infidelity, I just can't understand why it's so hard to move forward from it.

They really don't see each other anymore, I know they talk on the phone. He has pretty much come clean on all the details. Sometimes I feel that he wants to tell me everything, that he feels better by coming clean. I feel his remorse, he is hurting deeply, almost more than I am. I know I can get past all of this, he is having a harder time than I am. I just don't know what to do. When we talk about us, he says things like "we should separate and just move on" or "I am not ready to talk about a relationship with anyone" or "I'm scared".

You would think I would be the one that's a mess, he is. I am not sure if he really doesn't love me anymore or is it all the guilt talking. I just don't know where to go from here - it there any hope? Sorry for rambling, but I am just so confused. Thanks for listening!!

I can definetely relate to what you are saying. 2 1/2 months after DDay my WH still is so confused. He says things like he doesn't know what he wants, he isn't sure about us anymore, he feels like he has no life,etc. I try not to take it to heart, but it is extremely hard. I know he is hurting, but it is very hard to be patient and understanding when you are dealing with your own major issues. I have started IC and keeping a journal which helps alot - at least I feel like I am doing something constructive. Just hang in there.
Pat

Thanks! It is just so frustrating - some days there seems to be hope and there are days I just want to hide under a rock. Of course I need to be the stronger one for the kids. It just seems like because I can keep it all together I have to sit back and take the ride until he figures out what he wants. I know he didn't do this to intentionally hurt me, but I think it hurts me more that he is still so confused. But when I see him hurting it breaks my heart. Go figure!

Thanks for replying! Hang in there too! Unfortunately we are not alone!

I've been travelling the same road for most of this year!D/D was in Feb and it has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride since then .I have been holding it together because of the kids (7&9), and resisting every ones call to "kick him out".Sometimes he comes out of the fog and then relapses, and unfortunately the OW is nothing less than a personality disorder who has pulled some unbelievable stunts in order to provoke me into throwing him out straight into her arms!He continues with the same line, he doesn't know what he wants!!At my lowest point a few weeks ago, I stumbled onto this site.It truly has been my salvation and has made me look at my needs , not just his.I have gained such strength and comfort from reading about people on this site and I encourage you to do the same Take care.

Thank you! This site has been very helpful. Before I found it I was just living in limbo, my moods would be based on how we were getting along. Now I just go about my business, but I include him when I feel comfortable and it has had a positive spin. As for the OW, she wasn't aware of much. He lied to her just as much as he did to me (real nice). She thought he was getting a divorce. Well when he told me that I just felt the need to set the record straight. I must say the sound of shock over the phone was quite enjoyable. It did last though because she didn't run screaming like I hoped, but she did back away and eventually end things somewhat. From what I can make out it down to a basic phone friendship. It can't last much longer, I hope!

But I agree with you, this place has made me feel much better. The situations are awful, but there is comfort in knowing that you are not all alone.

Good luck to you!

CBH: Get "Surviving an Affair" by Harley, and/or "Torn Asunder" by Carder and/or "The State of Affairs" by Mulliken, and work through the recovery processes therein with your husband. Read the books together, do the exercises. Your recovery has not really started yet, since he is still in contact with her. You need a plan and a process. Floundering around is not going to do it. If you can afford it (and probably even if you can't), see a marriage counselor, to help keep you on track and help modify the books' suggestions to your situation. Before you decide on an MC, read How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor