Hi
Going out was good, but I can't help but feel that if he sees me trying to pull my life together by going out, staying over with friends etc, that he will think I am coping and giving him the green light to continue with the A. Don't know.
Well it seems that I do need to back off a bit at the moment, he has taken some of my reality check comments as threats (splitting the property according to contribution, selling the business and car). He has sought basic free legal advice on this now so I guess I had better do the same.
H stayed the night (in the spare room) last night. It seems that ow is v nervous about letting him see me and come over. This means that h is now v careful around me, although we did talk about him coming still to my work xmas party. I joked with him about ow not allowing him to go. He said he could make his own mind up and come if he wanted regardless of her view. He did refuse to place a wager on this though! Really not sure that even if he is 'allowed' to come that I want him there.
We are now planning to do some renovation work next week in the evenings, so that will mean we get to see more of each other which will be hard but nice.
I need to try and relax more around him and concentrate on his EN but it is difficult. Have scheduled an appt with sh next week so hopefully that will help me. His main EN are I think Domestic support, sf (which I can't do anything about now) and Admiration. I think I need to concentrate on showing him I can keep the house in order, cook etc and hold down my job. I let him take the lead in this as I commute and am out on average from 7:30 to 8pm during the week. I then help in the shop, do the books etc on a sat. I needed him to help me on financial support which is 100% down to me. I thought his lack there balanced my lack of ds, but I guess I couldn' have been more wrong. Its going to be tough helping on admiration seeing how I feel about him at the moment. He indicated to my sister that I was doormat in this and that ow was angry with him which was why he had to work hard with her. Is there no justice in this? Is all this pain and heartache really worth it? I am starting to think that maybe I am better off accepting it and finishing it all now. Except, we can't sell up until the house is finished, so I guess I should give it until then. I have already planned what to do if it all goes wrong and will be taking a secondment to the US prob NY for 4-6 months next summer. H knows this and thinks I am running away. I think he is running away, because at least my plan is doing something I have puyt on hold for many years. He thinks that ow is the hard option and that I am an easy option for him. Why can't he understand that the ow is the easy option and that by taking her he is running away. I am the hard option. If he choses to come back to me we will both have to work hard and making the R right again. There will be a lot of issues for us both to get over. I have forgiven him (not her) for the A, but I have not forgiven h for the way he has treated me since D Day or the way I have acted since D Day (clingy and desperate - not me).
HJ

Well I may get blasted for this but it is JMHO. Maybe he does need a reality check. You don't NEED him, you choose to want to work things out in spite of what he has put/is putting you through bc he is your husband and you still love him. Try to work on the desperate/clingy thing. It's so hard not to feel that way when you don't know what the future holds. I have felt the same way and was being very clingy. Now I don't initiate any affection or touching, and he does it all the time. On the reality check thing, I don't think his mind is anywhere near reality right now. I think it's fine for him to see that you can live without him, eventually he will see that you choose to want things to work, not because you need him, but because you love him.
Remember that all this is JMHO--I haven't had to deal with this much--have read a whole lot of advice and other people's stories--helps to take my mind off of the negative thoughts. Hang in there and take care of yourself (seems such a simple thing to do yet so easy to forget in times like this). Good luck.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Good morning!
I'm glad you had a good time last night.
I don't know your H of course but I'm guessing that seeing you out with friends and doing what YOU like to do will not make him think everything is o.k. (you, the A, etc). I'm guessing also that he will see you becoming more confident and less needy and wonder what is going on. What are these changes and why does she seem so confident? If it does send him to the OW on a full time basis it sounds like it won't be long before he realizes she can't meet all of his EN either. (Sounds like he is already finding that out). I too was very clingy in the beginning (but the OW was not in the picture-I was just very insecure). That took some time and alot of work. It sounds like you are handling things well! Keep up the good work!

Hi
Well I am now going away for the weekend and H will be staying with ow but coming back to feed the cats.
I asked him why he came back to me for the 4 wk period. He said it was 2 reasons:
1) He had listened to me about the 14 yr history we shared and wanted to see if it could work;
2) He was scared about living with the ow and coping with the new life he would have.

I said things with ow would not change but he said they were discussing them. I also said that he had not tried again with me as I was walking on eggshels as he was in constant contact with ow and was not opening up to me or making any effort. This was b4 I knew about SAA and this site - hindsight is a marvelous tool.

I did kind of suggest that he was spending so much time with ow that he mayt as well be there and I reminded him that he needed to consider my feelings with all this. We agreed to tell each other our whereabouts more so I can feel safe inviting my friends and family (who are being good) round without being worried what the reaction would be.

Well I guess I will have to finish the business books I am working on, see the acct and then go out - H left me at it as ow had his dinner ready for him and wanted him over as soon as he finished. I guess she really is woirried he will come back to me! I am not so sure.

Have a great weekend everyone.

HJ

Hi
I went round to a friends for the weekend, moped a bit but made a plan for my own salvation. I realised that I am still young and I am pretty and with all this going on I have lost a lot of weight and look pretty good now - still work to do but getting there. If H was to leave me and take up with ow and her child and los the financial security I provide him with then let him. I am single and free to enjoy my self. I have always felt responsible for everyone, especially H who really is a child in so many ways and its about time I statred putting my self first. So my friend (the one I went on hol with when this all started ) and I are planning to go abroad somewhere hot for Christmas and then go to a big party in London for Newyear eve. I also plan to go to a friends singles group as I need to try and extend my social circle and strat going tpo clubs at weekends. I do not want to meet other men and I certainly do not want an A of my own, but I need to meet other people and stop being so insular. I also want to show h that while he has taken on more responsibility than he ever had before,I am free to do what I want when I want.
I saw h this am befor I left for work, told him I had a really good fun w/e and went to a party (I didnt but he doesnt need to know that). I asked him how his w/e was and he was non comital. He didnt look good this am, eyes dark and puffy - maybe his new found responsibility is not so much fun after all!
I think that I lb'd a bit though and but his back up. He told me that he had missed his shooting club on sunday as he overslept - I already have a bet with a freind that in a few months ow will have stopped him shooting altogether. He told me that he had gone out in the new car and taken ow and son out in it. This really upset me. Ihave already asked him not to take ow out in it. It was his commitment promise to me when we bought it. He says it is just a car and can't understand why I am so upset about it. I asked why he wasn't insured on ow car. He said he would be but it hadn't come through yet. All it takes is a simple phone call and then you are covered so either he did not think of it (most likely knowing him) or ow doesn't want him on hers for some reason - prob the extra expense. He is more concerned about the fact that ow has a bad back at the moment (shame) and can't drive. He said he couldn't take the van as they couldn't take the son in it and they had to go out didn't they!
I am getting really fed up with his attitude and let him know it a bit. I also rubbed in the fact that I was free to do whatever I wanted with no more respondsibilityies.

I sent him a text message on the train appologising if he felt I was being nasty and that I didn't mean to be. When I got to work I had an annoyed phone call from him as I had changed the settings on the computer so I have private access to it. I told him how he could get in and that I had not changed the set up, I was just messing aroung on it and didn't know how to change back what I had done. He seemed ok with this.

When I saw him this morning, I did not find him attractive at all and I can't see what I ever saw in him. I am starting to wonder if I have any love left for him. I know it is still early days and you probably think I am too impatient (which I am), but I seriously wonder if I do want him back this time or whether I just want to avoid the mess of closing the business etc, or whether I am just to scared to start agin on my own.

I am ment to be meeting with him tonight for food and to discuss our decorating plans. I know I need to avoid R talks but I find that so hard when he is doing something I consider to be so stupid and irresponsible. I know I can't tell him this but he is just running away from his problems into a worse mess and being swayed by the opinions of ow who is just being vindictive and trying to split us up. I am tempted to postpone talk with h until I have talked to SH on Wed.

Hi HJ--
I'm glad you had a chance to get out. I think that we (as BSs) tend to forget that we have choices too. I think our WSs forget it too. We don't HAVE to put up with all their bs (and i don't mean betrayed spouse there). You have to look within yourself and really decide if your M is really what YOU want. I think everybody has a fear of having to start over, but fear shouldn't be what makes you stay in a marriage. Sorry your H is such a [insert nasty name here] , making the nasty comments and all. Maybe a little jealousy on his part bc he is seeing that you can have a life too?
Anyway, keep looking after yourself (we sure can't depend on BSs to look after our interests now). It sounds to me like you are doing really good! Good luck to you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

oops got abbreviations mixed up--that last bs was supposed to be ws.

Hi
Well I went out again last night, blew H off as we were ment to be meeting to talk decorating plans but when it was arranged h was coming for food, when h rang he was eating with her instead. H is now coming round Thursday night instead - maybe.
H sent me a text this am when he found out I had been out all night moaning that the cats were hungry and I shoiuld have told him I was out. I replied that I had sent him a text so he could let the suppliers in in the am. He asked if I had a good time and if I would be around tonight.
I don't think there is anything in this exchange as when I saw him (I am working at home today) he said he would be staying over more this week. The reason being that h and ow have talked some more and are committed to each other but want to take it slowly and not rush into anything yet, ie live together permenantly. I think they both know that the s is a problem for H. I also found out today that H (or ow) has contacted a proper solicitor.
I am really seeing h in a new light and I don't like what I see. I don't know if there is a future for h and ow, but I am starting to believe that even if he wants me back at some point, that I don't want him. He is so weak.
Anyway, until I really knmow what I want, I will avoid R talks where possible and be nice to h when around but I will not put myself out for h other than continuing to suppoort h in his business. I will go out as much as possible and try to carve out a new life for myself and enjoy it, after all I am not responsible for h anymore and have no other responsibilities, whereas h has more responsibilities than ever and now cannot go out without sorting babysitting etc.
Getting stronger.
HJ