I desperately need some unbiased advice. My husband and I are both 20, and have a little girl who's almost 2. Our marraige seems to be doing GREAT, we are so in love. The sex is great <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , the conversation is great, I feel like I married my best friend. I can talk to him about anything, almost...
Since we were dating in high school I have felt like his mother has had it in for me. In her eyes no one is good enough for her baby, especially me. She is convinced that I "got myself pregnant to trap him in to marriage" and has told quite a few of our friend so. She hasn't spoken to me since I found out I was expecting.
I have tried everything, I have wrote her, sent ultrasound photos, and even called her before going to the hospital to invite her to be there. We even lived two houses down from her until Leah was 9 months, and invited her over all the time. Nothing works, she has even gone so far as to tear up the ultra sound photos and leave them out so I would see them on Christmas Day, of all days, the year I was pregnant. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> SInce then I have not set foot in her house.
And despite it all, Chris (my husband) still has a relationship with her. He calls and visits whenever he can (usually just the holidays since he's military). But now that Christmas is rolling around again, he wants us to go with him...He has even threatened to take Leah and go with out me. I don't want Leah in a house where she isn't wanted.
I want to be supportive, I know he loves them, And I don't want to be the one that make him turn his back on her. But I feel so betrayed, How can he still talk to her after the way she treats me, and Leah? It's killing me, and It's really starting to make me doubt his love for me,and our marriage.
I want to re-emphasize that Chris is a wonderful husbad in every other aspect. We are so happy and I NEVER doubt his love for either of
us, until CHristmas time when he wants to see her. But I feel SO betrayed that I have actually thought about leaving him if he continues to go over there. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to put down an ultimatium, what if his love for her is stronger that his love for me? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Please Help...any advice would be great.
Angela

This is a hard one. So many couples have in-law issues and one solution may not fit another. You've tried being open and it's been thrown back in your face. Personally, I would continue to not put any roadblocks in H's way to keep at least one line of communication open to them. Besides, they are his parents, even if not very supportive of him and his choices.

You didn't say, but how does your H react to what she says/doesn't say or do? Has he ever confronted her?

You both are very young...I know that you've likely heard this a bunch of times, but it does take some growing individually and together before you have the wisdom to sometimes just cut your losses. Or to realize that what seems to be a major issue is really on the "small stuff" which when a couple unites together they can overcome.

I realize that this is painful for you. However, for Xmas, maybe you and your H can reach an agreement on his visiting his parents for "x" amount of time during the holidays. And I would allow him to take that sweet baby, too. Nothing can melt the hard heart of a grandma and grandpa as those sweet smiles. It might just be the beginning of MIL realizing what she is missing out on by being such a "butt". jmho

Doubt that this is going to be corrected fast, as you can't control what she does or doesn't do. But if you just work on you, your family and let her deal with her own issues...no matter what, you and your family will be fine. If she chooses in the future to be a welcomed and welcoming member in your family...then that will be a plus.

On www.lhj.com they have a bunch of "Can this marriage be saved?" stories. I remember that one was about a marriage where the mom in law didn't respect the wife and the H didn't stand up for her to his mom. The counselor helped the H learn how to set boundaries with his mom. All relationships improved once he did this. Check out the website, see if you can print out this story and show it to your H.

To Just a Wifey: No he hasn't said anything to her. Instead, when they are together they don't talk about me. He says the subject never comes up. She basically won't acknoledge we're married. She doesn't even talk about us to her husband (who is at least trying to accept us)
To espoir: Thank you so much for the article, I printed it out and am going to show it to him tonight.
I guess I am going to go with him, but only if he agrees to make sure they include me in the family traditions. Our first Christmas together, I just sat there like the outcast. And I won't take that again. I'm stronger now and I'll leave before I sit there and let them pretend I'm not there.
I think he is starting to realize how much they hurt me, I just hope he'll stand up to her when the time comes...and it will. Everyone that knows her says she'll either blow up in my face or she'll take him to the other room and knock me there.

I really wish that you and your H were older, it would make what I am about to say a little easier...especially for your H.

I agree with you, if you feel up to withstanding what his mom does...then go. Take something (food or decoration) to add to the holiday spirit...try your best to go with open arms and not with a "chip on your shoulder" for her past bad actions (and they have been bad). THEN...if she starts...your H MUST get up on his two feet and stand up for HIS family...and you must back him up silently. He should do this in a calm and quiet voice, not in anger (even if justified)...and tell his mother that he and you are a united front which have a wonderful, sweet, dear daughter...and that his marriage MUST come before anyone and anything else. He's promised before God and everyone else to make his life with you...it was HIS choice. If she can not respect him enough to respect his choices...then he's sorry to lose her, he loves her, always will...but his first and primary responsibilties are now with you and his DD....Then take each other by the hand, pick up that little one and walk quietly out of her home.

Now, I don't know if your H is mature enough or strong enough for this. It's NOT easy. I don't doubt his love for his parents or their love for him...but he's gotten into a power struggle with his mom...rather he knows it or not. And he needs to search his heart and find his inner strenght to stand up for what is right and best for HIS family...not his parental family. jmho

this sounds like passive-agressive behaviour -- my favorite method of fighting. Here is a website that I just found that describes Dealing/Coping with it http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/PATraits.html... lots of suggestions and it all sounds reasonable... and it reiterates some of the other advice you've received about setting boundaries... the reason I replied, I thought that ultimatims are dangerous (you might get the negative response) and this info also states not to make them unless you are prepared to get the negative response. what also came to mind for me, is we use a technique in Stephen Ministry that is described a little further down on this site, too "I feel this, when you do/say that... I would feel this (positive) if you could do/say this (positive behaviour)" -- folks can't argue with your feelings. although, it sounds like she might disregard them, totally. SO, that brings up role-playing... maybe he could role play with you some of the (non)responses you might expect to get when you confront the situation -- this way, you've 'been there done that' and have an idea of how to respond; empowering you. best case, your hubby would be there when the confrontation occurred... but silent.

Your husband loves his mother, shrew that she is. She loves her son... he's in a no-win situation; try to keep that in mind.

good luck, sweetheart.

A mother/son bond is pretty strong. Not that all children's bonds with moms aren't but sometimes mommy/son can get pretty special. I wouldn't mess too much with it.

Rise above her actions. Take food as someone suggested. Buy her a nice gift - not expensive just thoughtful. Just because she treats you bad doesn't mean you have to sink. I know this will be hard but, hey - it's Christmas.

I liked the advice about going over there for "x amount of time". I also liked just a wifey's advice about your husband standing up to her. Don't know if he'd do it or not.

Good Luck!!!

a few things occurred to me after I posted the first time...

1. your ultimatim to your hubby (her or me) is a lose-lose proposition and in MB parlance a LB with a significant associated withdrawal from his love bank... he could easily turn that back to you with his own ultimatim (leave or learn to deal with it and grow from it -- and you seem to be doing that already <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> -- congratulations!!
2. leaving ultrasound photos around might be interpreted by your MIL as passive-aggressive behaviour, since she's familiar with that way of dealing with conflict
3. what do you think about having your hubby do the "I feel this, when you do that" routine with his mother with respect to the way she treats you & her grandbaby (without you there)?
4. and finally, I wonder why she is acting as tho she's demon possesed? wouldn't it be cool if she could express her feelings with your hubby when he took the lead? to get all psycho-babbly with you for a moment... anger or aggression, many times, is not folks first response to situations -- it's masking something else, hurt feelings, disappointment, fear.

as dazedblonde said, "Rise above her" -- great advice... it's easier to drop big, heavy objects on her that way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

again, I think you are already on your way to learning and growing thru this hurtful experience.

God's blessings.

Wow, Can I understand where you're at!!! My H Mom NEVER liked me...She smoked pot and I didn't so to her we had nothing in common (i know thats wierd, but true lol) When my H and I became engaged, we were visiting her at her job (she was a waitress) and she brought over a girl and introduced her to my hubby...said she KNEW he'd "just love her" at that, my H looked at me then his Mom and shook the girls hand and introduced me as his fiance...needless to say the girl was embarrassed and my H was MAD!!! When i became pregnent we told his Mom and her reaction..."Can't you keep that thing in your pants?" She refused to accept me no matter how nice I was or how hard I tried...NOTHING I did was ever good enough for her. Eventually, my H had to choose...he chose me and his kids. It wasn't easy for him, but even HE saw how badly she would treat me and our kids. When my MIL was diagnosed with cancer and givin a very short time to live, we went to make peace with her. We took our kids so she could see them and she was glad for that time. I took care of her everyday till she died (she was at home the entire time with only Hospice to help) <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It was hard to forget the wrong she did to me, but she IS his Mom and if nothing else I felt I owed her for giving birth to my best friend. I honored her for THAT...in the end she told me she was sorry and that I was good for her son. I'm only sorry it took her getting terminal cancer for us to get along.

Take heart....MIL CAN change, but your H WILL have to step in and demand respect at the very least.