My wife and i are having a lot of problems. We have been together for almost 7 years and married for a about a year and a half. about a month ago her father passed away and i guess not to long before that she had been with another guy. She is telling me that she is not she what she wants and needs to work on herself before working on us. I don't know what to do next.

hi jwolski--

I can't really give advice as to what you should do--have only been here a few days--but maybe a good thing would be for your wife to read some material dealing with grief. My dad died 4 months ago and one of the first things the counselor with hospice told me and my family was not to make any major decisions right away. I took my dad's death pretty hard and am just now feeling like i can focus on my life again.

As fair as her affair is concerned, there are many people here who have been through it and are still going through dealing with it. Like I said, I can't realy offer advice as I am very new at this myself, but there are many people here who can help you to take steps in the right direction. Yours is a complicated situation, but don't lose hope. Take care.

hi jwolski--

I can't really give advice as to what you should do--have only been here a few days--but maybe a good thing would be for your wife to read some material dealing with grief. My dad died 4 months ago and one of the first things the counselor with hospice told me and my family was not to make any major decisions right away. I took my dad's death pretty hard and am just now feeling like i can focus on my life again.

As fair as her affair is concerned, there are many people here who have been through it and are still going through dealing with it. Like I said, I can't realy offer advice as I am very new at this myself, but there are many people here who can help you to take steps in the right direction. Yours is a complicated situation, but don't lose hope. Take care.

oops sorry bout that--told ya i was new at this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thats ok. I'm new at this as well.

This whole thing is like a roller coster ride. One minute i'm up and feeling good about things and the next minute things seem at there worst.

I really want the marriage to work and not so sure if she does. Like I said before she needs time to work on herself. she says that she is emotionally drained.

I am trying to find a counselor for myself to talk to about all of this.

Hi jwolski,
I've only been here a few days myself but from the past I've learned that you must try to talk it out! The most important thing is not to lose your temper or judge. You both should get some help from a MC. Just keep trying!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I try to talk to her about it and when i do she gets upset and says that she is tired and is emotionally drained and wants to get some sleep.

IMHO i think the best thing you can do for her is just be there for her. I think grief counseling is what she needs, but that's something that you can't make her do. Maybe you could bring up the subject at a time when things are calm. Does she talk much about her father passing away? I didn't--i felt like my husband just didn't understand bc he's been lucky enough not to lose a loved one. I bottled things up and for the past few months i feel like i haven't been totally here mentally (if that makes any sense). Maybe you could talk to a Dr., therapist, or someone with Hospice in your area and get information on dealing with the loss a loved one and helping a loved one through grief. Try to get brochures and/or books and have them at home where she has access to them also. She may not start reading them right away, don't pressure her--she will when she is ready and maybe she will see that grief really does cloud the mind and it is not a good time to make a big decision. I know that it is a hard time for both of you, and i think that time, patience, and love can work wonders.

IMHO i think the best thing you can do for her is just be there for her. I think grief counseling is what she needs, but that's something that you can't make her do. Maybe you could bring up the subject at a time when things are calm. Does she talk much about her father passing away? I didn't--i felt like my husband just didn't understand bc he's been lucky enough not to lose a loved one. I bottled things up and for the past few months i feel like i haven't been totally here mentally (if that makes any sense). Maybe you could talk to a Dr., therapist, or someone with Hospice in your area and get information on dealing with the loss a loved one and helping a loved one through grief. Try to get brochures and/or books and have them at home where she has access to them also. She may not start reading them right away, don't pressure her--she will when she is ready and maybe she will see that grief really does cloud the mind and it is not a good time to make a big decision. I know that it is a hard time for both of you, and i think that time, patience, and love can work wonders.

ok now i don't have any idea why my posts are going up twice--didn't mean to--sry again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

hmmm maybe shoudn't check mail while processing screen is up--oops <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> my bad

lol

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. Surviving an Affair is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair”. It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was reading SAA and seeing what a great marriage should look like that helped us identify the problem areas and fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery I have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. If you or your wife has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce her and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

<small>[ November 21, 2002, 12:00 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Well I just had a plesant night last night with the wife. I felt things went ok and tryed not to presure her into anything. We have been reading a book about communication which has been the major problem. But when she says that she wants space to be herself and "find herself", what do I do about giving her the space she wants when space is what caused a lot of our communication problems.

I also have a space problem with my wife. She wants more space and I feel like "out of sight, out of mind" afterall shes the one that lied to get out to see the OM so im untrusting to let her out now. An idea I saw here (i think) was have "personal time" but within our own houses. This works for myself and my wife so far. She comes home from work and spend time in the bath or watching TV or on the phone with a girlfriend(yes ive listened in to make sure its not him).

I can tell you the first 2 weeks or so will be very hard on you and her. My father in law had major back sergery during the affair and I refused to go to the hospital with my wife so her OM went with her. I feel bad about the whole thing but she was the one starting fights with me to make an excause to see him and this was a bad day.

Just keep showing yer wife that yer inlove with her and how much you care for her and her family and watch the way she reacts, that will tell you how she feels about you and yer marriage.

Just a bit of an update. In a good way but also not in a good way its been comforting to know that I'm really not the only one going though this problem. It has been a little over a month since I found out that she "not sure what she wants anymore" and about 3 weeks since I found out that she slept with another guy. From time to time we talk about what is going on. She says that she needs time to work on herself before she works on us and at one point she said that seperation is what she wanted. But do you think that after 3 weeks if she really wanted a seperation that she would still be talking to me, sleeping in bed with me, kissing me and missing me while we are at work? We have been to counseling only once and the next time we go it will be individually. We are still doing Thanksgiving together with each of our families and talking of also doing the same with Christmas. To the best of my knowledge and from what I've asked her she has not talked to the other guy in almost 2 weeks, so that's a good thing I would say. But one thing that bothers me to a big extent is that she doesn't wear her wedding rings. I have told her how much that bothers me and that i feel that it disrespects me and our marriage. Am I wrong for wanting her to have them on. I mean she is friggen married, this not some high school dating game.