Unfortunately it's not Brittany Spear's this time. It is my wife. Having a second PA over a 3 year period.

Some Background: We moved from a larger city to a small town due to a new job. Things went well for a few years but then my wife had some setbacks. She lost 2 jobs over several months and could not find another. She then spent more and more time on the net chatting to others. In essence she was replacing her daily world with a virtual one. She slipped deeper into depression and closer to her virtual pen pal, who was a friend from our old city.

From the beginnig to help adjust I would work the budget around so she could visit home, hoping it'd help her adjust to being away. I've always been the kind of person who felt that home was where I hung my hat. She always felt home was where we moved from, both of us were born and raised there and this was the first time we've lived away.

The signs were there for the 1st EA/PA. I noticed them, tried to ignore them, and finally started pressing for some answers. She replied that she and the OM had a "special" relationship and that he was her best friend and I didn't need to worry about him.

Well I lost my job in Jan 01 and we thought it might be a good idea to establish a home back in our old city to move back too. Thinking it would get her back home and into society with her old frineds. She moved back, got a job, and used some of my benefit money to setup a place for her to live while I waited for the children to finish school, in May. Several months later, March 01, while cleaning out the attic in preparation of moving in May I found evidence of the EA/PA with her "Special" friend. When I confronted her, in person, she denied it at first and then I pushed her until she finally told me the truth )I think). Needless to say I was livid. Fortunatley she was living away which gave me time to work through my anger, hurt, and disbelief with out seeing her every day to remind me of her actions. Unfortunately the distance prevented us from working to rebuild our relationship or rebuild the trust I had for her.

Well to make a long story short. I found work here and ended up staying here another year with the children. I lost my new job in Jan of 2002 and have been job searching for 11 months now. I've been applying for work all over the eastern US trying to stay in my respective field.

Well last night I found out that she's had another affair while living apart. It seems that she starts down these paths by befriending someone who has troubles, problems, is misunderstood, needy....... In the course of helping these strays she will "fall in Love" and it will end up in a PA. (So far to only be hurt in the end)

She does not have a very good self image of herself and strives to do things so people will like her, I think this stems from her father's treatment while growing up.

The latest evidence is a letter she wrote to the new guy saying what you would if you realized that you are the peverbial OW. (I'll post another thread to cover this issue and seek help) You only come by for sex and food, you say there are things we can do but we never go anywhere, you're going to leave your wife to marry me, here I sit waiting for you to call/come by when you know I'll be here........

She said last night that she would not contest a divorce if I wanted and she would understand.

My question to this group.

Have any of you had experience with a spouse who has affairs as a way to feel that they are needed and worthy? (When I read back a line in her letter that said she was looking for a friend, companion, and a lover and asked when I stopped being those. She said that since we were married I was obligated to be them.)

I looks to me that this is a much deeper issue than me not taking care of some of her "Needs" What tips do you have and what obstacles am I about to run into?

Who has worked through a similar situation and what is my next step? (we have to children 17 & 13)

I have to admit that I'm not as angry as I was the first time. Probably becuase I've taken things she's said with a grain of salt since we've been apart. I'm planning on moving back to join her and the children before Christmas and I had hoped to begin rebuilding our relationship then. Now I don't know.

Sorry for the long post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have any of you had experience with a spouse who has affairs as a way to feel that they are needed and worthy? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes and no. This is part of what my wife said, more or less. Her first reaction was more: "He wanted to spend time with me, you didn't.", so it was more about being desired than needed. But, as time has gone by, I have heard her say repeatedly: "I thought you didn't need me." Recently, I figured out that many times, long before the A, I had rejected her efforts to care for me because she was trying to care for me in ways that I didn't need. Since I never told her what I DID need, and my three most important EN's are things she had no "natural" inclination to do for me, she only gave me stuff I didn't really want very much. She therefore drew the conclusion that she was not important to me. The OM needed and wanted her, a powerful combination. Anyway, the way she interpreted my actions made her not feel needed.

Harley does not list "feeling needed" as a top EN for men or women, but it can certainly be important for some people. IMO, ALL the EN's are ways that we understand someone to say "I love you, you are special to me." I can easily see how someone would feel that way about someone who needed them.

An approach that may inspire her to work on your marriage is to tell her how much you appreciate all the things she does for you (be honest and specific), and how important she is to you. That you do not want to lose her. If you can't say those things about where you are now, try thinking about how things were in the past, when things were better - can you get back to that? (with some changes, of course - I do not think going back would be a good thing even if we could do it, since the past led to the present problems)

<small>[ November 21, 2002, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

I suspect you already know the answer. The A's are just a symptom of a bigger problem. I would suspect that she has issues that can't be solved by you fulfilling certain EN's. She really needs to see a IC to learn how to be a happier and healthier person on her own. Others can't give us happiness. We learn to be happy with ourselves and then we share it with others. Your W is running away from her issues. I suppose she can run for awhile but, at some point she has to stop and face her problems. The problems have a way if following one where ever one goes....

BTW, if you had read "Surviving an Affair" after the first one, you never would have agreed to living apart like you are doing. It is an invitation to disaster.

Been there, dun that. OW!!!

After finding out about the first affair I found this group. It might help to know that I found out about each affair months after they have ended. One of the first things I did was to buy the "His Needs Her Needs" and the "Surviving an Affair" books.

I read through boths twice and understood more about how we may have gotten there and why affairs happen. I even bought a "His Needs Her Needs" for my W and asked her to read it. To my knowledge she has not after 2 years. I will try again to get her to read it and take the survey.

We went through MC the year before I lost my job and the seperation began. Many hours of discussions, tears, and hand holding. When the first series was finished the MC told her to get some meds for her anxiety and depression to help her cope with what was going on. She still harbored a lot of anger over things going on and he suggested that she continue to see someone to get past the anger. She refused to see anyone else. Probably because I convinced her to go through MC as a prerequisite to the divorce she wanted and to take the children back nome. The meds made a huge difference and things weren't so bad the following year.

To MGM: I think that she does need to see someone who can help her realize that she does not need validation fomr others to feel good.

To Johnh39: We were already living apart when I discovered the affair. She had rented an apartment and found a job while I looked for employment and let the kid finish school. Starting out I knew it would be difficult to do a long distance repair. Last night I asked if it would have made a difference if we were not apart. She said yes. I think that it would have made it less likely but maybe not impossible.

One of the reason I thought the distance might have been beneficial is that she didn't think she could make it on her own. If she could see that she could survive,take care of her daily needs, and pay her bills I thought that might have improved her self respect.