Hi, I have been married for 9 years, we have a 5 year old boy and I am 4 months pregnant. I have just found out that my husband had an affair about 1 year ago (I was pregnant then too, but had a miscarriage). After I confronted him, he told me it was just stupidity and sex and nothing else. Before I knew this we talked many times about the issue, that if something like that happened, there was no second chance. I realized that after I knew,I dind’t want or couldn’t end our marriage, but I believe it would be quite difficult to get through it. As everyone else, lots of thoughts come to me regarding how did he made love to this woman. However, I’ve read a lot about the importance of honesty and how it should rule our lives from now on, so I also told him I didn’t want to know anything else, but after all I read about honesty I don’t know if it would be a good idea to know if there were more and try to find out why has he been vulnerable to this kind of situations. I know it may be more painful, but then there will be no secrets. What would you recommend?

I recommend knowing it all. How can we possibly know how to handle the situation unless we have all the pieces to the puzzle. He knows everything, little and big details. You know nothing. That's not fair. He made this choice and it affects both of your lives.

As you can see I found out last week. I want to know all the details and am waiting for a big block of time for the talk. I know I will cry more and so will he. But it's something I have to do for me - not him. I won't be doing it to punish him and just have to know.

Someone told me about an excellent article called Joseph's letter. I printed this out and am giving it to my husband when we have our talk. It explains so eloquently how I feel. You can find this here:
http://www.dearpeggy.com/affairsmenu.html
It's great.

By the way, welcome. This is the saddest welcome you will ever get but please know there are sooo many great people here you can't even imagine how many. They will help you in ways you can't imagine.

I urge you to buy the Surviving an Affair book. I just got mine yesterday and have started reading it.

Good Luck!!!!!!
Hugs and kisses to you,
DB

It really depends on what you mean by "knowing it all". It sounds as if you've got enough information to began healing. If this is true, I wouldn't ask for any details.

Yes, finding out what factors made him vulnerable would be a good idea. But keep the focus on the marriage and the two of you...not the affair.

There are secrets and there there are SECRETS. If he is keeping something from you that you need to know, then that should be opened for discussion. However, if he's just omitting some of the details as to what, when, how, etc...and you don't honestly need the "nitty gritty" details...leave it alone.

It is important to be honest...but kindness and caring has to come in there somewhere. Knowing a blow-by-blow discription can be damaging.

I should know...I needed and wanted the details about everything except the sex romp. It took a long time to get those "pictures" out of my mind.

I was wondering the same thing myself if I wanted to know everything. All I do know about it is that she was talking to some other guy for a short period of time and that she went back to her home town, went to the local bar got drunk with this guy and they had sex...twice. As far as the details of that night I asked if she at least wore a condom and she says she did. But I'm not sure if I want to know everything else.

I feel the exact same way. My problem is that the day I found out about the affair she didnt tell me everything. I found out bits and pieces in the next few days untill I told her I could not live like this and needed to know it all. Even now after she says shes told me everything I still cant feel like I know it all, im sure shes hiding something, but im not sure if I want to inquire more. Im always thinking the worse now, like if shes running late to meet me I right away think bad thoughts and I know its wrong of me.