First of all I might say that English is my 2nd language and I must appolagize for my grammar and speling...

I couldnt find forum for "cheating wifes" (and I am one of them), so I figure I will share my story with you. I'm not sure if I need any advise on what to do or how to live, I think I just need someone to hear me out..

I'm 24 years old and I've being married for 4,5 years. I've met my husband 6 years ago and 4 months ago I met another guy and I had, lets call it "relationship", with him.

My husband were addicted to the online games, I got addicted to the online games also, then I started chating all the time and after two years on the internet I got addicted to it so much that I guess I couldnt tell the reality from the online world. I lied to people online that I am single, Basicaly I made up totaly different life style for myself. Why I did it? First I thought noone would understand why a young girl spent so much time online, couldnt tell them that my husband playing his game in another room, I thought they would laugh at me and then after awhile I just couldnt tell the truth because i thought people would think that Im a freak and wont understand why I have to lie to begin with.

Basicaly I just got tight up in my own lies so much I just started live double life.
First I did it to "pay back" to my husband and I thought maybe he will understand in the hard way how I fill when he sit by PC day and night, then I got addicted and started build my real life around PC.
I stoped carrying about everything and everyone in my real life, including myself. Me and my husband dint had that much fights over nothing, because we barely talked to each other -- he were on his PC playing and I was on my PC chating; I stoped being so jelous about his daughter from the previeous marriage and about his ex wife.

To make long story short in january of this year I started chating with one guy over the net, who seems to be pretty nice guy. We started talking about families, his views on life, my views on life etc. I started liking him. I thought he would be everything what my husband is + he would give me all the attention that I need. So we were chating for about 6 months and then I went to see my family in my country and I went to see that guy.
He wanted me and I didnt feel like my husband see me as a women anymore (he were my first man and there was a thought on the back of my mind, that maybe I am just not good enough for him). So I went to see that guy, stayed with him for two weeks. And when I came back home to my family my husband already knew everything. I had no idea what the **** am I going to do. I lost everything just because I wanna have some attention? How stupid a person can get? I was scared go back to my husband, I wasnt expecting him to forgive me, but I was afraid that if I go back to US and things will go very bad between us two I wont have nowhere to go and I wont be able to do anything. Basicaly I knew that I lost my huband... Also, I didnt want to hurt that other guy fellings either, so I started making up **** to him like that I cheated on my husband because I loved him and that I wanted have a family with him etc. Not that I wanted or expected him forgive me or continue relationship with me, just at that moment, I felt like I lost it all and I made myself look like **** in front of everyone and there is no way I can fix my relationship with my husband.
My husband asked me to come back, I played "hard to get" (heh) with him for awhile. My husband called me every single day, we talked hrs and hrs, Icried, we laughed, he cryed, we were talking about all the good times we had together, we were talking about our future now, and how we gonna live together after all what happend, I told him that I don know if I can deal with this guilt, I dont know if I can look at this eyes again, or anyone elses eyes, he said that we will go through all this together. This is the moment when I realize how bad I ****ed everything up. I had perfect men in my hands, I had perfect step daughter and I still needed more, just because I being stupid selfish whore.
It's being 3 months since I came back to my husband, there wasnt a day without tears yet because I see how bad my husband suffering from all what Ive done to him and I dont know hwo to make him feel better. I dont know how to make him take it easier. I just dont know how to make it better. But you know, even though its hard on both of us and I cant be sure if he will keepp me near him forever and let me be his wife for teh rest of my says, I apriciate evrything he ever did for me, I feel the same way for him as I did when we just met. I feel how much I love this man and I cant understand how and why I was so blind before.
I wish none of what Ive done would ever happen, or maybe my husband can get some good sleep one night and the wake up one morning and start everythign over with me and we just look back at all this like at the bad dream....

Dear CW

Have you two been to counseling? It may help you get through whatever issues remain between you and your husband. It is good to see that you are remorseful and apologetic for what you have done, and it is really good that your husband wanted you back even though he knew everything. You obviously love him and he obviously loves you very much, so there is a good chance that you will be able heal this situation and continue on in a good marriage together.

I do know that it is not a good thing to sweep it under the rug and not deal with it. It sounds like you both went into your little worlds and began to ignore each other and take each other for granted. That can't happen again, and I believe that it won't happen again, now that both of you realize how you almost something that is so important and meaningful to you both.

Have you come right out and said that you are sorry for what you did? Has he told you that he forgives you and still loves you? It is a good sign that you feel so bad about it, but don’t let yourself become depressed or overly hard on yourself because that not help your marriage get better in the long run and you just may talk yourself into thinking that he will never love you forever and that you two don’t belong together, or that you don’t deserve him. Plus, if you continue to feel badly about yourself you could actually start looking for that outside attention again to feel better because of your shame with your husband.

You can make it up to him by loving him as much and as openly as you can everyday. Let him see through your actions and words that he means everything to you and that you are truly grateful to be in his live and sharing love and life with him. Thank God for the blessings that you have in being married to such a wonderful man. You can have everything back and probably even better than it was before because you really appreciate what you have now. I know it is sad that it took a horrible mistake for you to realize this, but the two of you can make this work out for the better. Be happy for everyday that you have together and try to make him happy to be with you. These things do take time. Keep talking as much as you need to. Don’t try to bury this thing too soon and try to forget about it because it will come back up in some way that will not be good for your relationship. Make sure everything gets dealt with fully and completely so the two of you can go forth from here in a loving trusting marriage once again. Good Luck and God Bless.

<small>[ November 22, 2002, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</small>

Nope we havent being to counseling yet and I don't think we really need too. I think if people cant figure out everything on their own I doubt there is people outside of relationship that might help... I might be wrong though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And no I havent come out and told him everything. I was in shock when he find out and I was going through more and more lies saying that I'm in love with another man and I was trying to justify what Ive done, that because Im in love with someone else it's Ok to cheat, heh.
I think I realize that I did big mistake after the phone conversation with OM, when he asked me about my husband and said you know I have nothing bad to say abut him, he's a great man.

He didnt tell me that he will forgive me and even if he did, I would know that this isnt true. But he did say that we will go through all this together and we will handle it. Now, when he gets upset he saying that he didnt know that it would be this hard -- I knew it though, but I didnt have to come back, I could of stay in my own country, but I chose other way, I had to take this chance. I screwed up big time. And I wont do it ever again, I just hope someday we will have more of a happy days then the sad ones.

I was always of the opinion that outside counselors could never help my H and myself, we were both very smart and felt like it would be a waste of money. However, this time, I felt like I really needed someone to help me, and I did the necessary research to find someone who specialized in affair recovery and who was interested in keeping a couple together. Our counselor is fantastic - it's not just that you need to recover, but also you need to learn how to communicate with your husband and why you felt you needed attention BUT could not communicate that with your husband. Is it cultural? You were raised to always respect and care for your husband, maybe to the point of not being to voice your feelings to him so that he was aware of them? I know that this is the case with my H, that he has a hard time voicing his feelings, and instead of laying out boundaries for me he chose to have secrets and one of those secrets was an affair. Anyway, I think everyone that has gone through this needs an intermediary to help sort things out and help repair the relationship. If your car was in a horrible accident, would you both just get repair manuals and try to figure it out, or would you take it to a professional? Why not think of your relationship in the same way? It really is, in one sense.

KS

CW welcome to MB.

Don't discount the value of counseling for your situation is far from unique. Sure, there are bad counselors out there but there are many good ones too and to not avail yourself of their services is doing yourself and your husband a great disservice. Look for a counselor that specializes in saving M(marriages) from A(affairs).

What you and your husband need is a plan of action that addresses the issues or problems in each of you that contributed to the bad state of your M(marriage) and helps you and your H(husband) to avoid repeating the mistakes of the past prior to your A(affair).

Your story is so very much like many others here where the WS(wayward spouse - you) sought an OP(other person - your lover) because the BS(betrayed spouse - your husband) was consumed by outside interests to the point of being physically and/or emotionally distant from the WS. This of course in no way excuses the extremely bad choice of yours to get into an affair but it explains the fertile environment that made it possible for an affair to happen.

Blind sided is right that it will be your actions (being totally honest about your activities, such as chatting online and your whereabouts outside the house) that will, in time, prove to your H that you are not going to repeat the same bad choices in the future and thus regain the trust he lost for you because of your betrayal. Be aware though, that it will take a long time before you and your H heal completely from the aftermath of your A and in the meantime you and him will go thru what we call here the 'emotional rollercoaster'. So patience and hope will be required on both your parts to survive this ordeal.

In the meantime I would suggest that you tell your H about the importance of counseling in dealing with the issues that caused the A to happen, and read the Harley books 'Surviving an affair''His needs Her needs' and 'Love busters'.

You and your H are not alone, we are here for both of you.