It's been a week since I'ver found out about the affairs and it just seems like it's never going to go away. I still find my self thinking about every chance i get and it's killing me inside to feel this way. She still saids she wants it to work and when were out in public he still plays the happy little wife role. It drives me insane to see her act this way like nothing happened. If we don't address will it ever truely get better? One minute i just want to hold her in my arms and never let go and then the other time i don't know if i even want to be around her why do emotions keep going back in forth like that why can't i just deal with and decide what i want and stick to it. The only good thing is wew both decided for me to go to visit my brother for a week or so to try to get my head straight but i'm affraid i'm going to be wondering what she's doing the whole time i'm gone. Does anyone might have any insight that might help this is driving my nuts.

Hi, I read your message, I really don't know if I can be helpful except for telling you that I am exactly in the same situation. I knew last sunday my husband had an affair. I also feel like taking a vacation, but then think I will be thinking on what he's doing. I believe that the right thing for us at this moment is not to take any decissions. We are so hurt, we love and hate at the same time. I believe we must leave to time, how much time? I don't have that answer either, but I think we will know it is time to take a decission when we stop dancing between love and hate, and this also depends on our partners and their attitude towards us. Be calm, don't try to fix by your own.

For time, think in terms of months and years. A "standard" recovery time is 18 mos to 2 years, but it can take longer. The important thing is what you do with the time. I have the following suggestions, based on my own experience:

1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair”. It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was reading SAA and seeing what a great marriage should look like that helped us identify the problem areas and fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your wife has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce her and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

Hi FA,

All of the feelings that you've described are "normal"... if you can call feeling as if your heart has been ripped from your chest normal.

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much right now. I know that it's hard to understand, but many WS just want to "move on" and "act like it never happened"... I know that my W felt this way for a while and it really slowed us down.

For me, I wanted to "fix" everything immediately and couldn't understand why my W just wanted to put all of "this" behind us... If you and your W aren't in MC, then I would make that your top priority right now... This is a great place to visit and there are many helpful opinions here, but they don't take the place of a good pro-marriage MC.

John39 gave some really good advice, and I second the recomendation on Torn Asunder. My wife and I worked through that book together and it really helped us put everything into perspective.

Try to take things one day at a time and not "solve" all of your problems immediately...and realize that the only thing that you can change is YOU and your actions.

Take care,
RIF90

I also feel the same way you do. My wife is still living her life like nothing happened, taking trips with friends and not accounting for her time. I still feel very hurt but do not want to get her angered with me and puch her away. I almost feel like Im the one that cheated now because im catering to her every wish. Ive thought about talking to a counselor but dont have free money right now for something like that. I did just talk to her this morning about the way I feel and asked her that if she loves me and wants to save the marriage to please try harder and spend free time with me. I understand wanting to go with friends on overnight trips but I really dont think now is the right time to do all this.