When I saw this website I told my husband about it so he could use it but I need some help too.

I was the one who cheated on him 2 times. Once like 5 years ago and once 6 months ago. I had to tell him though and it broke his heart. Its breaking my heart watching him.

At the same time the way he's handling it is driving me crazy. He wants to have sex constantly, then he starts yelling and ranting and raving about how i cheated.

He wants to turn our relationship into some whirlwind romance it never was and I just weant things to go back to the way it was.

I do love him with all my heart but I was the one who cheated. He keeps asking me questions that i dont wanna or cant answer. I dont know how to deal him and i need help so please tell me how to do it.

You have to be honest and answer his questions. You have to account for your whereabouts. You need to do everything you can to rebuild his trust.

However, he needs to control his angry outbursts, and not be abusive.

Both of you should read read read here, and ask whatever questions you come up with. Chances are 99% that someone here has been where you are.

Hi TH,

Welcome to MB. You've come to the right place to find out how to rebuild your M.

Read all of the articles here at the MB web site. Try to get your H to read them with you. Are you both in marriage counseling (MC)? If you're not, then I'd highly recommend finding a good, pro-marriage marriage counselor and start right away.

All of the "symptoms" that you listed are very common for a betrayed spous (BS). The best thing that you can do for him right now is to SHOW him that you are committed to the M and SHOW him that you are acting in a trustworthy manner. I'm sorry to say, but right now, your words don't mean very much to him. Be accountable to him with your time, your e-mail, your cell phone, and anything else that could help SHOW him that you are living in a trusworthy manner.

His questions are a natural response to the betrayal that he's feeling right now... you MUST answer his questions... to do anything else will only hurt the rebuilding process <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> . It's only natural for you to NOT want to answer his questions. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I can tell you from first hand experience, your H is going to have a million questions and he's going to ask the same ones over and over again... Be patient and loving and answer each question to the best of your ability... even if you've already answered the question before <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> .

If you don't know an answer or don't remember, then tell him that you don't remember right now, but you realize that this answer is important to him and you'll try to answer it as best you can.... and then FOLLOW THROUGH with this and try to remember what happend. You MUST do this if you ever want to regain the trust that you lost... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Your H is looking for the missing "pieces" to this puzzel and YOU are the only one that has the missing pieces.... He won't be able to even start rebuilding until he has a sufficient number of the missing pieces. And please realize that only your H can determine how many missing pieces he needs before he can move forward.

You are both on a long hard journy. Read all of the articles here and get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, and find a good MC...

Wishing you the best... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Welcome hurter. You figured out the right place to be. This website is like salve for an open wound. I've done nothing but read and post for 9 days now.

I'm just going to say once again that you MUST answer all his questions. You both took vows that made your separate lives one life. You did something to your life without his permission and knowledge. It affects both your lives not just yours. If he doesn't know the answers, how can he know what he's dealing with? We don't know how serious it is unless we can get a good picture of it by asking questions.

Have you done the questionnaires yet? We are filling them out but haven't shared them yet.

Good luck to you.
DB

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by the hurter:
<strong>
At the same time the way he's handling it is driving me crazy. He wants to have sex constantly, then he starts yelling and ranting and raving about how i cheated.

He wants to turn our relationship into some whirlwind romance it never was and I just weant things to go back to the way it was.

I do love him with all my heart but I was the one who cheated. He keeps asking me questions that i dont wanna or cant answer. I dont know how to deal him and i need help so please tell me how to do it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will help you understand VERY easy how he feels.

"My wife has not only cheated on me once, she cheated on me TWICE! and she says she loves me more then any man? If so why is she constantly cheating on the one PERSON she never suppose to? My wife has been laying down with another man naked and having sex with them more then once knowing that shes betraying me. She must hate having sex with me and i cant make her happy. I will try to make her happy by pleasing her in bed and showing her that i can be a good husband/good in bed/have emotions and that she doesnt have to have other men having orgasims in her.
How did the other man treat her in bed, am i doing somthing wrong?
WHY WONT SHE ANSWERE MY QUESTIONS, I WANT EVERY DETAIL!?
If she lies one more time im going to smash her face in. How the hell can she cheat on me and how the hell can she do it twice!
I cant sleep at night or do anything without thinking about how she can do what she did more then ONCE!, is she a whore/slut, what the hell can she be thinking about? I WANT SOME PAYBACK! MAKE ME HAPPY NOW!

These are the things that go through you husbands mind all day all night and every minute in between. Your husband not only is upset, you have changed him forever and all you can say is "hes driving me crazy and trying to have sex all the time and trying to turn your relationship into a whirlwind and you want it to be like your relationship was before"?

UM...you cheated on him 2 times the way he was before, you obviously dont like your husband the way he was before, exactly what do you want from your husband? if he treats you the same as before you cheat on him?

Ever thought for one minute that hes going through the worst time of his life because YOU wanted to go sleep with other men and didnt think at all about him? How would you feel if he was cheating on you more then once and he wrote "shes driving me crazy asking stupid question etc. etc."

If you say you loved him you need to tell him, but pretending you have always loved him isnt true and he damn well knows it. You need to tell him sorry a million times over and over forever until HE not YOU is satisfied and even then its never over for him ever.

I could be wrong about the advice but im NOT wrong about how he feels toward you and the stuff you have done. You changed everything, he didnt ask for it.

<small>[ November 22, 2002, 10:00 AM: Message edited by: Bog ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He wants to turn our relationship into some whirlwind romance it never was and I just weant things to go back to the way it was. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Er...Your title asks "...how do I fix it?" Going back to the way it was does not seem like a step in that direction. Why would your husband agree to go back to a marriage like the one you had? In that marriage, you betrayed him. Twice. Only an idiot would want to go back to that. That hurts more than you can imagine.

The first step is to re-adjust your thinking. Actually, your husband has the right idea, sort of. You need to re-construct your marriage in such a way as to eliminate both the need for and possibility of a recurrence. Buy and read "Surviving an Affair", by Harley. It will show you how to do that. See a marriage counselor, but make sure they are good - see: How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor for advice on how to do that. Lastly, examine yourself to figure out why you did it. If you don't have a pretty good handle on that, and a way to avoid it in the future, it will happpen again.

RIB90's suggestion of reading "Torn Asunder" is a good one, as is "The State of Affairs", by Mulliken. Each has a little different take on things, but they are all good.

<small>[ November 22, 2002, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Wow Bog,

I hear your pain loud and clear... and I'm sure that TH does as well. I'm sorry that you are hurting so much right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

TH,

I think that part of the desire for sex is a need for your H to "reclaim" his masculinity, his dignity, his pride, and his marriage... at least it was for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Yes, I too felt the need for more sex and would rave and rant about how my W cheated.

Eventually, as my W and I worked with our MC, I learned that my behavior <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> was creating an obstacle in our rebuilding process. This will all take time. Be patient with your H. Be honest with your answers and live in a trustworthy manner... As you do so, I think that your H will start to lose some of his anger.

This is one of the reasons that so many people here at MB recommend MC... trying to do this on your own is a hit and miss proposition at best. The rebuilding process is no less painful when using a MC, but it does help keep you focused on where you need to go.

Please understand that many BS here are still feeling the initial shock of their spouses betrayal... and that their comments aren't directly aimed at you. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm glad that you've posted here and hope that in some small way, my comments are helpful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hurter

I don&#8217;t understand why you cheated 5 years ago, then again 6 months ago? That would be the most mind-blowing aspect of this situation for me. I can truly understand your husband&#8217;s anger. What I don&#8217;t get is how you already seem to acting as though it is inconvenient for you to accommodate his needs right now and understand his deep pain. My wife wanted to do the same thing; just drop the bomb, put it in the past, and move on; but it is not that simple or that easy to do.

The sex thing? Normal. For about 3-4 mos after D-Day I had more sex with my W, in every conceivable fashion, than we have had in a very long time. She was extra accommodating during this time period for me. I pretty much had sex on demand for a while but it calmed down to normal levels. Perhaps it is a male thing; a reclaiming as it were; all I know is that it was important for me to have. Then, and this might still happen to you, I completely reversed and lost all interest in my W sexually. As my feelings and thought processes went round and round and my roller coaster went up and down, my actions and reactions towards my W followed. I went almost a month without sex sheerly out of a lack of desire for her, and then after that it became a chore for me to maintain any real level of excitement, which she noticed. But again, that phase passed too.

You are going to have to work with your husband as he tries to process what has happened. You are going to have to be patient and supportive. If you start showing signs that what he is going through is a pain in the butt for you, your efforts to keep the marriage together will be doomed. He, of course, needs to work with you too. He can&#8217;t continue to rage at you and expect you to sit down and want to talk with him about this. Please find a counselor that you both can go to. Sometimes in a controlled and safe environment it is possible to get said what needs to be said by both parties.

Hurter, I hope you are truly regretful and remorseful for what you have done and are willing to do what it takes to work through this. Your husband is in the worst imaginable pain right now and is very confused and deeply hurt. You have to allow him to feel and to express his pain and confusion. You need to answer all of his questions and don&#8217;t be flippant or cruel with your answers, just answer them. You may not see any purpose to his asking so much, but it is necessary. I know you want to move on, but it will never go away if you don&#8217;t allow him, and you, the time and effort needed to get through this fully and successfully. You can&#8217;t go back to the way things were. It can never go back to there again. Your relationship is changed forever. Whether it is ultimately a good thing or bad thing for your marriage is yet to be seen, but please, whether your marriage succeeds or fails, do it right, do it in truth, give from your heart, and give it all your best. Good luck.

why were you cheated on him twise?

I'm going through the same thing. I cheated on my husband 4 months ago. When he find out I told him that I am not coming back to him anymore and that I am in love with someone else. When I look at all this right now, it all seems to me like a bad dream, but just a 4 months ago it was all seems to be so reasonable.

After long conversations over the phone I came back to my husband, I thought we will work it out and go through it. But its not as easy as I thought it would be. I'm not just suffering of what I've done and how I made myself look, I think I more suffering of the pain that I did to my husband for no freaking reason at all. Just because I wanted to have some little stupid relationship on the side.

My husband goes over the same questions over and over again and I know he doesnt trust me and he will probably never will, but you have to pay for everything in your life, and I am ready to pay this way for what Ive done.

We having sex every single day, and it's not just a quick shag for 10 min before work, he actually makes love to me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Sometimes i think he does it just because he wants to forget everything, sometimes I feel like he is really love me and care about me.

To be honest sometimes I'm glad that all this happened the way it did. Because I feel much closer to my husband, I really can feel how much I love him and before none of it would of matter to me, and now I have to deal with my guilt and his pain and try to make things better. I'm not sure if I can make things better, probably not. Sometimes he telling me that he doesnt want to do anything with me anymore, but hey nobody ask me to make him feel this way.
I did it because I've being a selfish, why should he treat me with all respect?

Give your husband some time. I think now evrything is just a matter of time and if things wont get better or one of you cant deal with this situation anymore, I think you should two go seperate ways. And I hope you just like me will learn your lesson. Cheating shouldnt only hurt your husband, but yourself also. I hope you wont repit your steps over agian.

Good luck

Just a little note from a womans perspective regarding the sex issue. I am the BS and I initiate sex as much as possible with my FWH. In my mind (and it's probably not correct but it works) if he and I have TONS of sex in every way possible, it will wipe HER out of his memory and leave only me in his mind. At least thats how I feel. My H says he never even thinks of her unless I bring it up. His usual response to problems is ignore them and they will go away. So we have a long road ahead of us to recover, but we have the pedal to the metal lol...full speed ahead.
Best of luck to you in your journey.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nutcase3:
<strong>Just a little note from a womans perspective regarding the sex issue. I am the BS and I initiate sex as much as possible with my FWH. In my mind (and it's probably not correct but it works) if he and I have TONS of sex in every way possible, it will wipe HER out of his memory and leave only me in his mind. At least thats how I feel. My H says he never even thinks of her unless I bring it up. His usual response to problems is ignore them and they will go away. So we have a long road ahead of us to recover, but we have the pedal to the metal lol...full speed ahead.
Best of luck to you in your journey.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm with you on this one even though I'm on the other side of the boat. My husband doesnt believe me that I dont think of OM unless he brings it up and I dont think of him as someone I was supposed to be in "love" with just a few months ago I just have to think about the details so I can answer the question that my H keep asking me over and over again.
As I said earlier , I'm not complaining about the sexual relationship that we have now, I just hope it will lost for long <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Nutcase 3. Ditto. I can't get enough sex from my husband right now. How unusual. He's the one that's not giving me enough. Wow!

As to whether things can be "fixed" or "go back to the way they were before". Yes it can be fixed just like a bowl can be glued. It's gonna have a crack in it and it will lose some of it's aesthetic qualities. But if it's repaired correctly, it will hold water again. But it will become more precious to you because you loved this bowl and wanted it fixed badly enough.

It won't be the same. You wouldn't want that. It must not have been good or you wouldn't be here. But it can be different. And that can be better.

Good luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by the hurter:
<strong>

I do love him with all my heart but I was the one who cheated. He keeps asking me questions that i dont wanna or cant answer. I dont know how to deal him and i need help so please tell me how to do it.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Showing and telling your husband you really love him is the only way for him to get over it. Your husband is trying to make you happy anyway he can, shouldnt you do the same since your the one who made the MULTIPLE mistakes?

Most likely if your husband leaves YOU because he cant take it anymore, he will find another woman and fall in love with her. YOU wont be able to hold his hand, kiss him, hug him, laugh with him, play with him or sleep with him EVER. Everything you both have done over the years bad and GOOD will be wiped from his memory when he falls in love again. He will treat his new woman exactly how he treated you when you fell in love with him but even BETTER.

Can you live with your husband forgetting all about you and starting a new life with a woman that might be 10 times the woman you are and your children calling another woman "mommy"?

Once you husband is gone hes GONE he wont be coming back. He wont be looking for "cheap" love and "cheap thrill" from "cheap worthless" men like you have been doing. I mean "cheap" because the other men you have been sleeping with probably knew you were married and DIDNT even care. You meant nothing to them other then a place to make a deposit(yuck). Reality is going to hit you in the face HARD when you have to do everything on your own, think of all the GOOD stuff you have done with your husband, dont you remember all the GOOD stuff you have done toghether?