I went to the company where OP works and ALMOST talked with her… Went to pay a bill there (the collector had called because he misplaced our schedule & wanted to see if the check was going to be ready today or Friday and I "accidentally" forgot to sign it). Anyway I had made stationary with the family name on top & written this impersonal letter to OP thanking her for the loan to my wife. No signature, just my name. Inside were several $100 with the exact amount that OP (lent? gave?) my W to take to Cuba because W "forgot" to get some US$ in cash on time. I couldn't control myself to go to her office and hand her the envelope personally- I just knew that I would probably blow up… my heart was pounding and it's now as I remember this (anger, fear, all these feelings together trying to get out of my chest at once). Left the envelope with the receptionist and left.<P>The other part of the story… the e-mail I use for MB has this password, yesterday morning I thought "we think very similarly, what if the password for my W's e-mail is the same? I tried it… nothing… did a variation… nothing…. another variation and Bingo! that was it. I couldn't help it but I read all the mail, 3 love messages from OP since W left for this short trip on Sunday! & I'll have to tell my W- I even read some unopened messages & can't find the way to mark them "unread" (the e-mail is one of those internet freebies) + I feel uneasy sneaking in somebody else's mail, even in this case. Well after I did this thing OP sent another mail "Please call me", I don't know if OP thinks W is back and jealousy is killing her, or just wants to find out what the heck is going on with me (but I'm feeling what the Marquis of Sade defined as "the privilege of the powerful ones"- revenge.<P>Don't know if this will help or not in the situation, but it certainly felt good… so good!!!<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Alex,<BR>You must let this go. You can't go on like this and win this war. You are LB'ing all over the place buddy.<P>You are letting your "Taker" take over, and that is a disasterous thing. Breaking into your w's e-mail, that is not cool at all. You are going to have to explain your actions. Plus, now your W will feel angry, violated & will trust you even less. You will only push her farther and farther away doing things like that. <P>I know you think that this is your W but she is also her own person and you do not "OWN" her. She will make her own decisions, but you need to make yourself something she would want and decide on.<P>You are walking down the wrong road here Alex, and you really need to take stock, realize that, accept some things that you can not change, stop doing what won't work and start doing the things that will. You need to get control of yourself and stop obsessing and letting yourself be controlled by your Taker.<P>This is meant to be a friendly little kick start to get you moving back in the right direction. Perhaps you should distance yourself a little, and remember ignorance is bliss.<P>{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}<P>Genie

No, Ignorance is not bliss. False impressions hurt just as much as knowing the truth. <P>You do need to have a conversation with your wife to determine if her withdrawal period is over. But you can't push it. You can help it though, by giving her the suggestions to get through it. <P>You won't be able to controll the OP. I myself have struggled on whether to face the OW or not. I have almost done so on several occasions. But, I see that the serious cut off - if she comes back again...really needs to be from my h. If my h is strong enough to admit she has returned and we can discuss what/how he will tell her...that will fill my love bank.<P>I would discuss with your wife- seeing if she'll admit it- if this OP has tried to contact her and how. If your W won't admit to it- then she's either in withdrawal or denial. But you still have the opportunity to leave your wife with suggestions on how she can stop all communications with the OP. Don't expect her to change- but do put your suggestions out there. <P>The Betrayed has every right to ask what ever question they want- within reason and the Betrayed should respond truthfully (and be nice). I've read 2 books now and they have both said the same thing. Dr. Harley also said something similar.<P>Reading the OP's words won't make you feel anybetter. Might give you more ammunition...but in the end it is really up to your W to come home. You can't force or controll anything. <P>(Personally- my knowing a few things helped me- not beat myself up- but know how to approach my H. Figure out where he was at and allow him to open up and examine himself better)