Tommorow is my parents in law 40th annyversery. there will be tonnes of people that I will have to face, all my husbands relatives and family friends. I'm afraid I cant' handle it and I refuse to go. My husband saying that I should of thought of things like that before I cheated and he demend me to go. I am scared and ashamed, I think Im pretty much ready to croll up and die someweher from my guilt. For some reason facing other people who knows what happened is much harder for me then just facing my husband and trying to make things better between two of us. And very soon is a Christmas time, where again I will have to deal with the same problem.
What should I do?

<small>[ November 22, 2002, 05:32 PM: Message edited by: cheating wife ]</small>

Hi CW

I knw EXACTLY what your feeling. I felt the same way when I thought about the fact that I would have to face all of my H's co-workers. Our first "appearance" at a public gathering after the A was at the zoo. EVERYONE knew what had happened...I had cheated on my H and left and lived with OM for a month and a 1/2...and then my H "took me back" He was told mby a few people that "they would have never been able to forgive me" and How could he take me back" etc... BUT those were the people whos opinion he didnt value at that point. My H was very supportive and stayed close to me the whole day and was very attentive as to show anyone that HE accepted me back and loved me and wanted to be with me. That ment the world to me, because I felt VERY VERY uncomfortable and guilty around these people. But you now what??? My H loves me and wants to work out our M problems and so do I .....so what others have to say doesnt really change that fact for us. You will have to face the public sooner or later...just put on a brave face and grin your way through it....You and your H will make it work, because You both want it to work...others opinions (and beleive me, they will let you know what you think!) dont really matter. We came to find that most of our "friends" weere very happy that we were back together...esp when kids are involved...no one wants to see a family break up. Good luck.....youll be fine, just keep your chin up. Hope this helped a little.

CW...got to ask this...is your H here, too? You situation sounds the same as one of the BH's who I've replied to.

It really depends on what is happening with your marriage as to what advice I'd want to give.

IF...your H is willing to be supportive of you and to tell others to mind their own business if something comes up...then I would definitely say to go. Eventually you will need to face family members, co-workers, friends...BUT...you do NOT have to explain yourself to anyone but your H...and he doesn't have to defend himself for his choice in trying to rebuild your marriage to anyone either.

Showing a united front and just being unwilling to get into any type of personal discussion about YOUR marriage with anyone can be healing.

IF...however, your H is trying to "punish" you by parading you around his family as the "cheating wife"...I wouldn't go...no matter how much he demanded. (Sorry, but this comes from the tone of the BH who posts here some...I won't name names.)

You are correct, rather you go or not, eventually you and your H are going to have to deal with others. With the holidays coming up, you will be hard pressed not to be doing so soon. Maybe getting it over with sooner instead of later is best.

Good Luck!

CW welcome to MB.

Don't discount the value of counseling for your situation is far from unique. Sure, there are bad counselors out there but there are many good ones too and to not avail yourself of their services is doing yourself and your husband a great disservice. Look for a counselor that specializes in saving M(marriages) from A(affairs).

What you and your husband need is a plan of action that addresses the issues or problems in each of you that contributed to the bad state of your M(marriage) and helps you and your H(husband) to avoid repeating the mistakes of the past prior to your A(affair).

Your story is so very much like many others here where the WS(wayward spouse - you) sought an OP(other person - your lover) because the BS(betrayed spouse - your husband) was consumed by outside interests to the point of being physically and/or emotionally distant from the WS. This of course in no way excuses the extremely bad choice of yours to get into an affair but it explains the fertile environment that made it possible for an affair to happen.

Blind sided is right that it will be your actions (being totally honest about your activities, such as chatting online and your whereabouts outside the house) that will, in time, prove to your H that you are not going to repeat the same bad choices in the future and thus regain the trust he lost for you because of your betrayal. Be aware though, that it will take a long time before you and your H heal completely from the aftermath of your A and in the meantime you and him will go thru what we call here the 'emotional rollercoaster'. So patience and hope will be required on both your parts to survive this ordeal.

In the meantime I would suggest that you tell your H about the importance of counseling in dealing with the issues that caused the A to happen, and read the Harley books 'Surviving an affair''His needs Her needs' and 'Love busters'.

You and your H are not alone, we are here for both of you.

Well, I have to say that everything went better then I expect it. We had big fight with my H that day (Saturday), he told me that he doesnt want me anymore and that on Monday he will give me divorce. We started fighting over nothing. We went to the movie that morning and there was "Join the US army" add, I asked him couple of questions about the army (without any thinking that it will lead us to the fight)and he asked me "why you asking? is that something yuo wanna do?" I said that it would be kind of cool, but I'm married on which he replyed "What does it mean? It didnt stop you sleeping with another men!". This is made very upset.I had no idea he would get mad over nothing. Sometimes I think maybe its better to not talk for me at all, but just answering his questions. It's seems like he using every single word against me.
Anyway, I cried all day and then he told me that I have 10 min to get ready, and if I wont be ready I can do with my life whatever I want. I knew what he ment and I do try to to make things better, because I do love him and Im trying to do everything that I can. So I got ready in less then 10 min and with a red eyes I went to face all those people. half of the time I was just trying to swallow my tears and pray that noone will ask me any stupid questions. I felt peoples eyes on me all through the evning, but hey if my husband wont change his mind about me till Christmas I know that meeting all those people next time will be easier.... I hope.

I understand that I ****ed it up and now I have to pay for it for the rest of my life and if I want to save our M I have to take all kind of **** from everyone including my H, but I also think that I cant save this M on my own without my husbands help.
Maybe I'm a bad person after all I've done but I have my limits also and I wish he would understand that.

just a wifey 2002 : yes, my H is here as well. He posts as a Bog.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe I'm a bad person after all I've done but I have my limits also and I wish he would understand that.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are not bad, dumb maybe (aren't we all anyway?), but not bad.

Bog needs to realize that if he continues to love bust he may loose you, not because of another man but because of his treatment of you. He has gone from neglect of you to abuse of you, and that will not help the M heal. I hope he wakes up and stops feeding the wolf that represents hatred,anger,vengeance and feed the wolf that represents love,kindness,and forgiveness.

As I said before, we are here for both of you.

I have to say that I am in the same boat as you are, I cheated on my husband for a month now. He caught me and things have been weird. Now today he went and told all his family members asking them for help. I don't know how I am going to face them. I am not ashamed of it, but more along the lines of embarrassed. My family was fine with it. They knew my marriage was not the greatest and they don't like what I did. But they love me and they accepted what I did.

My husband is doing the complete oppisite of what your husband is doing. His approach is to smother me with love in hopes that I will come back to him. I know that it's going to take time, but when we are out there are times when my husband as well will throw out a line that was used on me from my OM. And it almost makes me feel stupid.

I know what you are going through, I am going through the same thing. It sucks, but keep your head up high and keep moving. Don't let him knock you down. I took that for years. I only hope that part of my life is over.

Keep your chin up.
Everything happens for a reason......
All my best