We both had the night off last night, and sat down to watch some TV, and relax a bit. The previous day she had gone out with OM <Christmas Shopping> and had taken my CC with her<I did give it to her>
The problem is that when I gave it to her... for some reason, even though I knew it would spark anger, I told her that she was not to buy anything for him under any circumstances. She left angry... and woke up the next morning angry.

I knew we would have an interesting night because of what I had said. <right or wrong... we just couldn't afford to have her buy anything for him>

We sat down at 9 to watch her 2 favorite shows <Will and Grace and ER> I had to walk out on the end of Will and Grace<ya I actually watched it with her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> > because it was a wedding scene... and I still haven’t had a chance to get to the Doc and get anti-depressants. So I went outside and had a smoke, cried a bit and grabbed a shower.

By the time I was back, the second show was almost over, so I sat the last couple minutes of it and we had a smoke together.

After coming back inside, we sat down on the couch again, and just looked at each other for a couple minutes <we both knew that we needed to talk>

The Good Parts
--------------------

She finally told me the "why". We had lived together for 4 years, in her parents house, prior to getting married... we were comfortable like that. Everyone was pushing us to get married, as we had been together for so long, we finally gave in and did it. Don't get me wrong, I was quite happy to get married, I felt we had traveled the road and were ready for that 'next step'. It seemed that she was aswell. Apparently she wasn't. Now this is news to me... she had never mentioned anything before... but that’s where we were really having problems, communication.
She made her points very clear to me last night, for the first time in a while I felt like she was actually being honest with me.
She feels tied down, something she never wanted.
She feels like a possession <well…ok but since she did have an A I have been ever-watchful>
She feels like she has no personal ‘space’
She feels like she gave up living with her parents to get a different ‘sort’ of parent in me

All of this was very new to me, she hadn’t come out with it before.

The Bad Parts
---------- -------

She defiantly is not happy being married
She does not want to continue to be married
She wants to go back to the way we were before getting married
She threw out all sorts of words like Divorce, Separation, and Annulment.
She will not, under any circumstances stop seeing OM

Now throughout all of this I would be crying like a baby off and on <being un-medicated and going through this really does suck!> But I think that it may have actually done a little good. I think that she finally saw how much pain she was putting me through…at one point, she pulled me close and kissed me, I <for the first time in almost 3 weeks> actually saw love in her eyes. The cold, distant look was gone…and god it felt good!

We took a short break at about 5am… pee, smoke, drink, walk the dogs, and sat back down afterwards.
I was able to stay composed for the rest of the evening. No crying… which really impressed me because of the turn our talk took.

We talked about The options that she thought would ‘work’ she wanted to no longer be married, but live in the same house, be covered under my medical/dental benefits, and still maintain a relationship.
She didn’t understand exactly what was included in divorce, or in separation… she thought we could just “go back”. She also didn’t realize that not only would we be unable to take that step… but that I could not emotionally take that step.

I suggested a trial separation.

Man that hurt…almost as much as finding out in the first place…

She asked what sort of arrangement, since I hadn’t really thought it through, I suggested she move back into her parent’s house for a while, she said no. She said that she was looking for ‘space’ and not ‘I told you so’ and disappointment.

We left off around that area, we both needed to get some sleep, being after 7am <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know this has ended up being VERY long, but I really need some input into this. It was great to finally get out there and talk with her, but she seems so set against remaining married. She thinks that things will suddenly be all better if we aren’t married, but still together <god I don’t think I could deal with that>

On another interesting side note, we talked about him a bit as well, she says that he is 100% for us fixing this, and wants to do anything he can to help us. I asked if she had told him that I wanted her to have nothing to do with him. She said she had not, and that she wasn’t going to, because she didn’t want it to push them apart. <Please guys… don’t focus on this… I know I need to get them apart, I am trying!>

We <very> briefly discussed counseling the other day, I brought it up saying I needed to see my Doc to get medicated, and find out if he can suggest a good MC, she gave me a drawn out oookkk type answer, but did not say no. I think this may be a good sign, but am not sure.

Thanks for letting me get this out, please any input would be greatly appreciated.

Cheers

Tim

<small>[ November 23, 2002, 02:21 AM: Message edited by: Betrayed...And Scared ]</small>

I thought you did pretty well. I just have some random thoughts:
1) You have been married for such a short time and she has a sexual affair on you.
2) The comment that made me puke is when she told you the OM really wants you two to work it out? Is this the reason why he goes out with her, has sex with her while she leaves you at home?
3) She is angry with you because you did not want her to use your credit card to buy gifts for the OM?
4) She refuses to tell him you do not want her to see him?
5) She does not want to be married to you and wants a divorce or separation but wishes to have all the benefits of the marriage by staying in the home with you but living separately which allows her to see and date the OM.

You cannot have a marriage if she continues to date and see the OM. It really sounds like she is playing you if she expects to have her maintain and have all of the benefits of being married while enjoying being involved with the OM and totally refusing to give up the relationship.
I think an annulment makes a lot of sense for you.

You are young and need to find someone in the future who will love and respect you and believe in the committment of a marriage. I am so sorry what you are going through but do not let her continue to be involved with the OM while she humiliates and disrespects your marriage. If she is unwilling to go to counseling and give up the relationship with the OM then she should go and you need to move on. You deserve better than this.

Acting needy, clinging, and crying your eyes out in front of her is NOT going to get your WW(wayward wife) to regain her love for you. It will only make her feel 'burdened' with the responsibility of being the source of your happiness and just make her want to get further away from you.

You need to stop making her the center of your universe and the sole reason for your existence. I would like for you to consider reading the 180 degree list from Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting. Here's a link Michele Weiner Davis Divorce busting's 180 degree list

Good luck.

Should I talk to OM? Tell him what she won't and see what happens?

From my brief contact with him <prior to this whole mess> he "seemed" like a resonable person...though in light of what happened, I don't know how resonable he really is <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I am pretty sure this would piss my W off something fierce, but is it something that I need to do anyways?

HELP <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tim

i wouldn't talk to the other although in my case i did on 2 occasions. reason for not doing so are.
1. it is too humiliating for words whether you stay calm or not.
2. you feel afterewards like you have given him the freedom to carry on with your wife.
3. he is likely to tell you that it is your wife who is keen to maintain the relationship and he is waiting for her decision. this knowledge hurts and he will know it.
4. he may issue threats against you if your wife has made any allegations against you.
5.in my case my wife and him have done everything they can to stop me finding out exactly who he is and who his wife is for fear of messing things up at the other end for him.
6.remember he will already know everything about you from your wife who will have complained to him about you being a poor husband. you know nothing about him and he is ulikely to reveal anything to you because it is all so secret.
dont give him the satisfaction!!