Well i told my W today that I couldn't do this anymore and I wanted to seperate. I was so sure that's what i want because she never shows really any remorse for what she did. At least not in my eyes but she thinks she does. but know that i told her I starting to wonder if that's what i want. Yet everytime I lay with her or looked at her before all I could see is her with the other guy. It's only been a week since i found out am I jumping the gun on the whole seperate thing. When i told her that's what I wanted she seemed like she didn't care. she said she wanted me to stay but that was it. Any advice

I also forgot to write my wife's post on this is the hurter.

Hi FA I am exactly in the same situation you are, it's been one week... I close my eyes and I get the picture, I don't feel he's giving enough.. etc, when did this happened? Maybe she has just had time enough to think about it and you need this time too. As for myself I decided that it was not time to make a decission, since I am so hurt and confused, but deep inside me I tought that the best decission could be the one you took... to separate, I believe it could be less painful. Anyway, whatever you decided to do you have to think that after all you are doing your best, and this time it has to be for your own sake. I admire your strenght and please don't fall appart. I send you a big big hug

Im not sure I can give any good advice but the way I saw it with my wife(its been 16 sayd now since I found out) is that my love for her goes beyond anything she could ever do to me. I know cheating is a horriable thing to endure, and is every selfish on the cheaters part but noone anywhere can say they will never fall inlove or fall for another person after their heart belongs to another. In some ways I cant blame my wife for what she did, afterall we are all human and all need loved. Im not saying she is right or you were wrong but take a very deep breath and think about the woman you fell inlove with. Dont you think other men would see the same great qualities in her that you did? I know my winfe is a wonderfull woman with blue eyes you can fall into and I fell inlove with her within days of knowing her, shes just that wonderfull.

But give her a chance to make amends for her actions and try to forgive and never forget. My wife and I try to make jokes about the whole thing(ya I know its nothing to joke about but it eases both our pains) like if im tired and she wants to go out i might joke that she can call her other man to take her out and things like that. It does help us get over with the pain and on with our lives. I also feel that I should give up at times but im tired of looking for the perfect woman and im extremely happy with the one I have even know she, like myself, has faults.

I have good advice for you, buy somthing cool for yourself, somthing that makes you happy. Dont go out and party and get laid it wont make you happy.

If your wife does really still love you she will show it soon and cry and weep for forgiveness when she finally realizes what she has done.

Cheaters seem to be born different in my oppinion, they lack the self respect and respect for others. There almost in like a dream state, i dont know if its a permanent state of mind or only when they feel somthing is not fair to them.

In my situation my cheating wife tells me she was a different person and feels absolutly nothing for the OM and never loved him and hated the sex yet she told me and wrote emails to the OM that she wanted to have a family with him.

Now she insists she never wanted that and never even said it, i saved the emails and letters and she cant believe it even when she reads it. She laughs at it and explains she must have been upset or somthing. (sounds like you wife)

I would not give up on your wife yet. Wait on the Divorce papers, if your wife is as stupid and mixed up as mine let her fugure out what shes done on her own and let her beg, yes BEG you to come back, this might sound mean but it will make you feel better if she is unable to help you forgive, it makes me feel better anyways (i dont know why).

This place can help a lot of people and is helping me, the problem with this place is everyone is different. I cant show a lot of emotion and affection and i bet a lot of women are the same, it doesnt mean they dont love you. Im a confident, strong man and athletic and my wife was with a feminen (spelled right?) man for the attention and affection. Theres a million different reasons why spouses cheat, none are right. Cheating spouses can be good spouses but they can NEVER be trusted once they cheated. You can still be happy with them. If they cheated ONCE it really could have been a very BAD mistake, twice and theres no way to justify it.

Just my oppinion, i could be wrong.

She has cheated on me twice once 5 years ago and once 5 months. even telling me my 4 year old son may not be mine. I can't take the pain and the lies she's constantly giving me. Not showing any remorse just going on with her normal life like nothing. even after I told her what i wanted she's still just doing what she wants like nothing is going on.

Well I'm doing it. I arranged to have another place to stay and told my children that Daddy might have to leave and that it wasn't their fault and I still love them more than anything in the world. Boy was that the hardest thing I ever had to do. guess what I'm really afraid of now is hearing or seeing her with someone else once were apart. I know the A's are over but I'm not sure if know she'll just go to another one. She's still telling me she doesn't want me to leave but is not showing me anything. I talked to mother today and told her about what I was doing. She doesn't know about the A's she just thinks were having problems and anyway she tells me everytime she talks to my wife she saids how much she loves me. I just don't understand why she can't tell me like that. Anyway I just can't handle knowing what my wife did and still ebing with her. I feel like if I stay then I'm the biggest sucker in the world and am just telling her that she can do this all she wants and I'll just take it. Well thanks and again any input will be appreciated.

Falling Apart,

I think you are expecting far too much at this point in time. Neither you nor your W are ready to really address the issues associated with her A's. The time scale for recovery is 6 months to years. And yes there is a lot of pain, and lots of images. However they fade with time.

I would strongly urge to get Surviving an Affair by Harley and read it carefully. I am very busy today but look up SKM's Chronicles in the recovery section. Just use Chronicles as the key word and search the revcovery posts. It may be in the archived section now. But find it and read it. It will give you a time line for how long it takes the WS to begin to really reattach to the marriage.

By the SKM just had her first child with her husband about 2 weeks ago. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> They are doing very well and very good people.

What is my point? You don't know what the future will bring, but you do know that things won't work out if YOU don't try. You cannot control your W's efforts but you can yours and since you have children you should do just that.

I will say that normally it takes a few months for the WS to really get into recovery, even the most remorse filled ones. So give this some time. You owe it to yourself, your children, and yes even your W. I know you think she doesn't deserve this, but... I think you will regret not giving her the chance.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

Falling Apart,
it really is too soon for you to jump to
conclusions.

After one week after D-day, I didn't know what the future would bring, contacted a lawyer, and discussed my chances of obtaining custody of my 2 sons through a fault divorce. Never ever in those dark hours did I imgaine this whole thing would blow over within a few months, and that my wife would finally recommit to the marriage.

Your W is probably so messed up inside she has no feeling or understanding for your predicament.

However, until your W comes to her senses,
you are going to go through the mill and there is nothing anybody can say or do to alleviate the pain induced by sheer fright and uncertainty.
That horrible gut feeling in your stomach that stops you eating and makes you lose weight, nights without sleep, it is not an easy ride and nobody can step in and take your place.

Take an old-timer's advice,
DO NOT JUMP THE GUN

Good luck

Hi Falling Apart,

Welcome to MB. I've posted several times to your W and I'm glad that you have signed on.

I echo the others in recommending that you should wait before you separate or file for divorce. I know how confused and hurt you feel right now... But I also know from personal experience that you and your W CAN make your M better than you ever dreamed... IF you are both committed and willing to work on rebuilding your M.

You may eventually decide to leave the M, but now is NOT the time to make that decision. I challenge you to read all of the articles here on the MB web site and get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. Read all that you can and commit to working on yourself and your M for six months... then make your decision.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Thank you all for all your advice. I have decided to stay and try to make my marriage work. I've realized I wasn't going to give up 8 years of my life in 8 days. It's really hard at times to get through it but I'm trying so hard. I really think she is serious about making it work I just hope I'm not being nieve. But i do know that i love her more than anything in this world and am just hoping our marriage get stronger and grow from this situation.

Give it a try. It is way to soon for you to throw in the towel. Get help to pull you back together again. You may be one of the lucky ones and actually save your marriage. I hope you do.
wh left 11/2000
d d 3/2001
wh filed d 7/2001
I filed d 8/2001
d final 5/2002
He left me with three children he hardly sees

FA:

I'm big on communication... ...and yet my inability 2 do it particularly well was one reason my W had an A. This will take time and hard work, but just hearing that your W wants 2 work it out should be good reason 2 try. This is very early in the "game", 2. I did very poorly for the first couple of months, at least, after D-day, and even though I think I did better after that, looking back I'm not "proud" of my behavior until this past July, fully 6 months after D-day.

Communication is going 2 be your salvation. You can improve that by reading the books suggested on this website, by "communicating" on this 4um, and by carefully fostering honesty with your W (all without LBing whatsoever!).

Be careful, be loving, but most of all, be yourself!