I did cheat and it was the biggest mistake I have ever made. I love my husband with all my heart but I never gave it a chance. I have to live with hurting him forever. I want to help him get through this so we can get to a happy strong life we both want.
He has decided to stay and try with me. I was hoping someone can tell me how to deal with all his anger so I can help instead of yelling and making it worse.
I know I caused this pain for him but I am in pain too. I did the cheating without the realization he would ever know...as does everyone I expect. I never wanted to hurt him and the worst pain to have is the pain of what I did. I'm so scared he's gonna leave I cant seem to concentrate on what he needs. Please help me .....

dear hurter- glad to hear you want to fix this. that alone is a big step.

he needs to try to redirect his anger. we all go through the anger, its normal. unfortunately it hurts you, the ws. he has to work through these feelings and not bury them, i know, its gonna be tough on both of you. he should not however be abusive to you.

the best thing you can do is sort through it all and come up with why for him. he needs to go through all this, be supportive and gentle and read and post here. you have a long road ahead of you, good luck.

Hi TH,

For me, the best thing that my W did was to tell me that she understood that I was angry and that she was sorry and that she loved me and that she was committed to rebuilding our M.

Your H is hurting now more than you will ever know. I don't say this to minimize the pain that you are feeling right now, because I know that you are hurting just as much. He needs to sort through his anger and let it out in a godly manner...(no physical or verbal abuse).

Right now, he's just as scared as you are that you will leave him for the OM. Let him know that you are committed to him and that you are willing to work on the M. He may decide to leave you. I'm sorry to say this, but this is one of the risks one takes when they decide to stray. Hopefully, he will realize that you are committed and will decide to stay.

Get a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and read it with your H. If you and your H aren't in MC, then I would strongly suggest that you find a good pro-marriage counselor and start immediately.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Hi, I have been following your H's posts and I am living a similar situation regarding time and facts (the A occured 1 year ago) I just knew last sunday. As I have read here and as I feel too, this is a roller coaster trip. But there are 2 things that I would like to tell you, first thing is that after all your remorse or whatever you have had enough time to go through this over and over, I believe that when you felt ready you just told him, so let him go through time, I believe all he needs now is all your patience and all your love. WHen you live a situation like this you feel panic about going through the same thing again. The second thing is that I read on this site something about the connection we have to others (look for the aliens stuff) When we can't connect to the others, in this case your H, there is no way you can ever feel how you affect him. Try to be closer to him phisically, mentally, emotionally. He might also reject you at times, but the good thing is that he wants to try it too, or at least he is confused. Just connect through him, he was hurt and it has just been a few days.

I too have been following your posts, as well as those of your husband. My wife admitted her affair at the end of September after I contracted Herpes from her. I would often "interrogate" my wife after finding out about the affair and pressure her to have sex with me frequently. This was self-defeating and only served to push her further away. Luckily, I was able to work through this and we have been doing better these last few days. It sounds as though you were initially very cruel after your husband found out about your affairs. I say this because you were not willing to let go of the OM and simply wanted things to "return to normal". It was good that you were honest and answered his questions, but now he is processing all of the images thoughts that he now has to deal with. It is not easy thinking of one's spouse being in another's arms. I can attest to that. If you are truly sincere about giving up the OM, and putting future affairs to an end, then sit him down and tell him how sorry you are. An apology goes a long way, trust me. Then write a No Contact letter for the OM and let your husband read it and mail it. This will help ease his mind as well. After this is complete, sit down and have a long talk with your husband and explain to him what you will need to make you happy, as in him meeting your emitional needs. He, in a similar fashion, should tell you what he will need to feel trust and love, again detailing his most important enotional needs. You will then need to explain to him that angry outbursts on his part will not help, but will hurt, the recovery process. It is OK to vent from time to time, we all do, but it is not OK to be abusive. Order Love Busters and Surviving an Affair from the bookstore on this site, they are well written and will lay the foundation for recovering your marriage. Again, your recover will depend on how determined you are to give up your serial cheating. I wish you and your husband well.

You've gotten a lot of advice on this site and i just thought I would write and tell what I need. I know I get mad and yell sometimes or get an attitude which I am sorry for but if u can just hug me and give me a kiss when i get that way and tell me how much u love me and u want to be with me and only me. I think alot of times i get mad that's what i need to get through it and when u get mad back i just get madder.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by the hurter:
<strong>I did cheat and it was the biggest mistake I have ever made. Please help me .....</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your doing good now, it makes me even happy to see you starting to think like a wife <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your husband seems like hes going to be there for you AGAIN. I can tell you 100% this is your last chance, hope you dont mess it all up and never lie to him even about stupid stuff it means more then you think. Good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />