My wife and I need as many people praying for us as is possible. Seven weeks ago she finally told me of an affair she's been having since the middle of Aug. Actually what she told me when I begged her to tell me what was going on was "I love another man"
We have been together more than twenty years including five years of dating as teens. We have two wonderful children, and I never would have expected this to happen with us. We've had our ups and downs, but never anything approaching this magnitude.
We've both been brought up in church, are believers in Jesus Christ, and are active in our church. Her attitude on this matter is what is scaring me. She tells me that she doesn't feel as if she really had any choice in this, that they just one day "realized" that they loved each other. She does admit that she chose to allow the relationship to become physical and she knows that that was a bad idea (duh).

When I found out about this relationship, she also found out that I had been lying to her about smoking at work for some time. She would ask me point blank and I would deny doing it with every intention of never touching another. Of course trying to do that under my own power was a waste of time and never worked, but I couldn't bring myself to disappoint us both. Well she has seized my dishonesty with her as her focus, and says she is trying to decide if she can ever trust me again.
Two Sundays ago, I told her that we could not go on living this way and that by Dec 1st I needed to know what she wanted to do. Is she going to stay and let God work this out through us, or is she going to leave and try to take our children.
She says that her decision is not based on the other man (with whom the relationship has continued) or what he and his wife are going to do (which apparently he hasn't decided yet either). But she also has said that if we split up and he and his wife split up then the two of them will probably end up together.

What I'm praying for at this point is that God will convict her heart to such a degree that she will have to admit her failure, and seek and accept his forgiveness. I'm praying that she will forgive herself after God has. I'm praying that God will soften her heart towards me, because her attitude with me over the last few weeks has gotten worse. It's almost as if she's trying to hurt me enough that I will tell her to leave so that she won't have to make this decision. Pray for our children, they must realize something is wrong, but have not said anything at this point. Pray that God will give me the strength I need to persevere. Knowing all that I do at this point about her infidelity, I still would not trade her for anyone! I'm convinced in my heart, that she is the woman God has intended for me for the rest of our lives. She's the only woman I've ever loved, and cannot imagine ever loving anyone else.

Please pray for this situation!
Sorry so long.

Tom

My H also went thru the "I can't stand you" phase. He did everything in his power to make me hate him. Said mean things to me and basically treated me like dirt, telling me he and the OW found that "something special" we used to have. BUT.....when the fog lifted, he couldn't believe he'd said the things he did. He also couldn't believe that I stood by him thru it all. I love him...for better or worse (it's GOTTA get better now that we've faced the worse part lol)

I'm praying for you both...best of luck and God's Blessings

Have you read Survivng an Affair, by Harley?

nutcase3: (sorry that seems strange to me)
Thanks for your response, I'm sensing more of a "I'm disgusted with myself leave me alone" kind of attitude right now, but then again I've been know to try to fool myself as well. I'm just leaving it in God's hands, and will continue to be there until the fog lifts.

johnh39: started looking for SAA yesterday evening, but have been unable to find it locally yet. Would it be a good book for me even if she decides she can't stay? I really don't see any logical reason for her to leave and I would think that she could see that as well. But then again I never thought that I would be in this situation.
May end up buying the book on-line, (which is something I never do) but we'll see.

You must get the book, and also his needs her needs. I found it at Barnes and Noble, that is how I found this site over 1 year ago. This is not hopeless. My husband called me many names and pointed the finger at me as the cause of the affair. I accept my part-I didn't force the issue of couple time and did gain weight. After reading the book I have corrected those issues and our marriage is better than ever. Expect to go thru a range of emotions. I started a journal which helps me vent so I don't love bust (LB). I also used to post here a lot, but we now havea new baby that makes it hard. The baby is a sign a recommitment by both of us. We will make this work. We are happy together again, d-day Aug 2001. I won't forget, but I am able to forgive as a christian woman. It is too easy to give up. Life is hard, but we made a commitment. You can make it. She'll wake up.

Hi tivsav. You can also get the books by ordering them thru the Marriage Builders bookstore. You may even get a free t-shirt with the Marriage Builders logo like I did.

TMCM: ordered the book just an hour or so ago. Praying that it will help me understand what I need to do a little better. Also praying that when she says she'll stay (which I'm really thinking she will) she'll see the book and be interested in what it has to say.
I know that there are plenty of things I need to do to make this better, I'm just still praying that she will want to make it work!

Home for lunch. W, kids & cousins there. Things still seem so strained (duh).
We're to have Thanksgiving with my parents tonight before they leave town tomorrow. Asked WW to try to pretend that she likes me so we wouldn't have any questions. Assured her that I wouldn't act clingy or needy. She of course had to say she was surprised I had thought about this, that she would normally have to say something to me. Of course she meant that as a put-down, and of course it worked.

Telling her that I love her and want things to work out don't really seem to phase her a whole lot. I can't tell for certain what she's thinking, but I'm praying that she recognizes the mistake that leaving would be.

On a side note, an outside source told me that the OM talked at length with his father yesterday about the situation. I know that that should have no bearing on my relationship with my WW, but can't help but wonder how it does affect the situation. Sunday's deadline is such a long way off! Now I wonder if I should have taken Friday off! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

T

Another thing, how do I handle situations like the following. I tell my WW that I'm going to run down to Media Play for a bit. Don't say why or what I'm looking for (Trying to find a copy of SAA). Or better yet After I come home, she decides to have a bath, and when I hear the water running, I call a buddy of mine who has been able to listen to my problems and help some. (He and his W have talked to my WW, and not been real comfortable with her answers either). As I'm hanging up the phone, W comes down hallway and says "Oh, I didn't hear the phone ring" My response was "It didn't". No further explanation for the phone call given. Lastly, I left work approx 15 minutes early yesterday, and a coworker called my house to give me a message which he left with my wife. She tells me when I get home (after stopping at four different Bookstores looking for SAA) that So-and-so called, before five o'clock. My response was "ok thanks".
Here's the question, Should I be more open about what I'm doing? I've no intention of hiding anything from her, she's not asking any extra questions. I'd be happy to say more if I felt like she cared about what I was thinking. I don't know, maybe I'm trying to be short and to the point with her after the way she's been treating me lately. Maybe a defense mechanism or possibly just a small measure of revenge.

I don't know, someone give me some pointers!

T

IMO, the book you need to read whether or not she stays is "Torn Asunder". It takes a little different approach than SAA. Both are good, but they are different. I always recommend both books. Below is my standard answer to first-time posts on this forum. I hope you find it useful.
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1.) Learn. Read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Then buy and read “Surviving an Affair”, by Willard Harley, (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair”. It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them.

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) For me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

OK, dinner with the folks went alright. No real time for problems to develop.
Before we left though, I did tell WW why I left work 15 minutes early, to go by a coupe of book stores. Her response was "that's one more thing". I asked what she meant "You expect me to tell you everything, and your not telling me anything" Of course my response is that she doesn't act like she wants to hear anything I have tried to talk to her about. Which of course is my fault again! I can't win!

At times I have said I think she's going to stay, then there are the times when I wonder why she's still here after the way she acts towards me. Why can't I see any improvement? I really want some encouragement from the only person I've spent the last 20+ years of my life with.

Want to tell her about these boards, and show her the info from Harley, but I'm scared it'll tick her off good. She's still not admitting that it's about the A. I'm so not ready for any bad news Sunday, but this roller coaster is killing me!

T

<small>[ November 27, 2002, 11:08 PM: Message edited by: tibsav ]</small>

Well I hope everyone had a blessed Thanksgiving Day. Ours was alright, nothing to note really. Dinner at my in-laws went well. Of course I've always told their daughter that I got great in-laws, but she didn't do quite as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Before leaving the house this afternoon there were a couple of things I commented on to which she said I was making to big a deal out of. That's actually a good thing, I was actually trying to get a feal for some things that lately have been ticking her off. I take that to be a positive step.

Of course the other night when I went to the store, she started making some 'tollhouse' cookies. I thought great, they'll be done when I get home. They were, they were also GONE !
Didn't leave me one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Said she didn't think about it, sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Felt like I'd been kicked in the gut! Oh well, these things will take some time.

Thanks for letting me vent!

T

Well it's been three months now, and unfortunately I have no good news other than the fact : God is good all the time! He's given me the strength to get through this even though we are now at the point of D. She's still living in the house with the kids and me, and yet she's also still seeing the OM. God has given me the strength to love her unconditionally. Although I feel "gut shot" every time I find out they've been together, I'm still in love with her.
It doesn't look at this point like we're going to work this out. That is because she has decided she should have D'd me years ago. I think she's still living in the fog, and there is no reasoning.
Thank you everyone that had kind words for me in November. This site is outstanding, but I'll probably not post again.

God bless,
T

Tibsav,

Sorry, but from how it looks, why would anything change? She has her cake (OM) and can eat it too (you to do all the husband things). Seems you have been (hopefully) in Plan A for 3 months. It might be time to knock her off her high horse and consider Plan B. Tell her that if she doesn't, you will leave, and if anyone asks why, you will be honest, so she might want to be honest now too. That you are willing to work on the marriage to make it better, and if she is then she needs to do a NC with the OM, if not, the you will do a NC to her. And I have never understood why people hesitate to notify the OS about the affair. If they knew, would you want them hesitating a minute to call you about it?
That's just my view, and I am a newcomer here. I am sure Ammon or one of the other regulars can give you better advice.