ok here it is...10 months ago i had an affair on my husband...our marriage had been in trouble quite some time.Never in a million years did i think it would have ever happened but it did. The house we had was sold and debts paid off and then we started seeing a marriage councilor.I moved in with my dad along with my 2 kids and before long he was living here too.Things went well for 6 months and then it all went to crap.I love him very much and he has moved back home with his parents and says he can't forget about the affair and that it will never work and now i find myself at a loss i don't know what to do and i don't know how to help him to forgive and forget.Basicially my life sucks and now i find myself trying to pick up the pieces and support two kids and don't know if i should let go and move on or keep hopping he will get over it and come back.....we have been together for ten years and married for five of them....

Bella --

Welcome to MB -- I'm very sorry for this pain and confusion in your life. We have a wise and wonderful group of people here on this site; I'm certain that you'll get our understanding and our thoughts.

To hang in and hope...or to let go and move on? One of the most frequent and critical questions we see on these boards. The right answer: there isn't one right answer. Some feel they've exhausted all the possibilities and all their patience and choose the latter. Some feel it's too soon to call and they need to do the former. Some actually do both, move on AND hope for reconciliation and restoration. What fits? Or perhaps some balance in between.

A ten-year history is a significant one, certainly five years of marriage carries weight. From an outsider's point of view, it seems way too early in the process (and it IS a process, one that must run its course) to tell anything definitively. If I'm doing the math correctly, we're talking a few months here which, while that seems a lifetime, isn't long by this site's standards.

Although most of the posters are BS's (Betrayed Spouses), there are a number of WS's (Wayward Spouses) who add a vital component to the mix. Bottom line: we're all in pain and we all need understanding and commiseration. So you've come to the right place and we'll help you all we can.

I saw your screen name pop up earlier as our "newest member" and then just came across your this, your first post with us. Again, I'm glad you've found your way here. We'll sit with you anytime you need us. Please post again and let us know how you're doing.

Ammon

Hi BSS,

Welcome to MB! I'm sorry that you are hurting so much right now. This is a great site to visit and you'll get lots of helpful information both from the articles and from others that are going through similar situations.

In reading your post, you said that you are about 10 months past D-Day... The day that you told your H of the A. 10 months isn't all that long in terms of rebuilding a M after an A.... What have you and your H been doing since D-Day to rebuild? Are you in MC?

I would say that your desire to help your H forgive you is commendable, but please don't try to help your H forget. He will never forget. Hopefully, he will be able to move past this and will start to rebuild, but I don't think that any BS can ever forget the pain and heart ache that an A causes. Any attempt to "help him forget" will most probably be a tremendous LB.

Also, I'm sorry to say, but since you were the one that strayed, it's really your H's decision on whether or not HE wants to stay in the M... this is one of the risks that a BS takes when they have an A. Again, I hope that you H can move through all of his pain, but you must realize that this is HIS decision, not yours.

Read all of the articles here on the MB web site and see if your H is willing to start MC with you... I wish you both the best in whatever you decide...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

In answer to come questions we have been in marriage counciling. It wasn't as often as i would have liked since fishing and in Oct.the hunting apparently came first.Three weeks ago he decided to leave for what ever reason and this is where i am today.
You know in defence for myself...yes an affair was bad but why do affairs happen to begin with?For me it was like i said above something always came before me whether it was the fishing or the hunting or the woodworking. So in that respect i think he can hold some of the blame. He was never there!
When the marriage councilling first started things were great, For once in our ten years of being together i finially took first place but then slowly I went back to being second.
You know i am not going to start blaming him for all of this,I completely took responsibility for what i did and i have to live with that the rest of my life.Is that not punnishment enough?
What i want to know is how do you rebuild trust?How can he start to trust? Even our marriage councillor didn't give us the answers!
As a matter of fact he was under the impression everything was going fine as i thought....
Anyway in light of a recent conversation with my husband, he is polite and we talk about our kids, we are civil.That i am happy about.
And about it being his decision...it was our decision to rebuild this marriage if he didn't want to try why the hell did he even commit to that?That is what i am the most angry about.Just another breakdown in communication i suppose.
bella

Bella --

How do you rebuild trust? No easy or quick answers for that question. No easy or quick solutions either. It will take time and patience and lots of love--on both your parts, and even then there aren't any guarantees.

Trust isn't a given, it's earned and has to be constantly replenished. When that trust is ripped apart by an A, it leaves a raw and gaping hole in the relationship. For some, a fatal wound; for others, a long, slow, painstaking, frustrating, and still-no-guarantees process.

I agree with RIF90: if trust is to be restored in your marriage, it's in your H's hands. Right now, he's reeling, stunned by your actions, and needs time to recover (if he can).

You ask "Why do affairs happen to begin with?" I believe it's because weak people make a series of very bad choices. While there are alternatives routes, they choose the most destructive path, the most selfish and thoughtless one, then they want to know what happened when everything falls apart.

As I said in my first reply to you, almost all of us here are BS's -- our partners chose to have an affair instead of chosing to identify, confront, and work through the problems. Every single day I read here of countless A's brought about by people who made the wrong decisions about their relationships and their lives.

We all have choices, Bella, we make them every day.
Most are small and relatively insignificant, but some are momentous, far-reaching, life-altering. An A obviously is in this category as the price paid lives with us--all of us--forever.

I'm sorry that things got so bad for you that you decided that the only solution, the only relief, was outside of your marriage. It's always the wrong decision, not just for the marriage or for your husband, but for yourself. It's like a giant line of dominos: push one and the rest fall down, predictably, inevitably, sadly.

So, you give him space, give him time, give him love. I'm encouraged that your conversations are civil and polite and that your children are discussed (they need extra love and attention right now from both of you--their lives have been ripped apart too). Have you asked him for forgiveness? Does he know how very sorry you are, how very foolish you were? Answer any and all of any questions he might have. Realize that this won't be reconstructed soon. Pray and don't give up hope. We're here for you, Bella...

Ammon

Ammon,
I have asked for the forgiveness,,,and thought i had it.......you see we were told to never talk about it, that the marriage counciling was about rebuilding our marriage and that the affair was in the past and should stay there.(so is that good or bad advice on the part of the marriage councilor?)That there was to be no contact with ther other guy and i did everything that was asked of me.But...I wanted to talk about it, to get all the feelings of hurt out not to try and hide everything in a closet and hope it did not fall out one day.He never wanted to speak of it.I wanted him to get angry with me and tell me everything he felt in the beginning so that we could put it behind us and start fresh....When I eventually did get to bring it up the night he left, It was twisted around by him to make it sound like i was still doing it and that i had these deap feelings for the other guy.That couldn't have been further from the truth!
I don't know maybe i just see things a little differently that other people, Yes i screwed up really bad,,but like i said before i will live with that the rest of my life!
you know....i feel like i am beating a dead horse with this and maybe i am just fooling myself,I don't think that he is comming back and i can't say i blame him i guess..As he said once before,and i quote "you are a lying, cheating, whore wife and you don't deserve me!" As much as those words ring in my ears day and night and bring tears to my eyes every single time i think about them,,he's right.
Anyway..what's done is done and i can't change history,,God knows i wish i could...

Bella --

He's angry, very very angry, and hurt, so terribly hurt. Please understand when he says those hateful things to you that he's reacting to his raw emotions. Flip it around and most of us, maybe you too, would react the same way.

You're not beating a dead horse because, while that horse is very ill, "he ain't gone yet." Neither is your H. Far too early in the process for those sorts of determinations. It feels that way, he's talking that way, but please give it time, lots of time, give him time to absorb and to forgive. If it's in him, it will show itself.

My take on your MC technique of "not talking about the past" is that it doesn't work. While the theory might be OK (keep the past in the past), in practice there are too many areas of questions to simply ignore them. You even said you wanted to talk about it, to get it all out. That's a good sign; be sure he knows from you that you're ready to discuss the A at any time. I like your phrase about not hiding it in the closet where it might fall out one day.

He doesn't want to talk about it--for now. Don't be surprised when things calm down if he doesn't bring it up and want answers. Most of us want answers to questions that are often unanswerable. Why indeed? How could you...? and so on. As long as he is reacting to the pain rather than acting, he probably won't want to hear any explanations. But be prepared. What will you tell him? Think of all the possible questions he might ask and formulate some answers to them.

The past is what's causing the problem and while you can't change it, you can take steps so that it doesn't repeat itself--and let him know what they are (when he's ready to listen). Get into counseling for yourself, read the excellent books and literature on this site and others, and give your children extra time, attention, and love.

Also, while this may sound odd, learn to forgive yourself. You now realize how devastating your A is to your husband, your marriage, your family, and your life. You wish it never happened, especially since you now can clearly see the consequences and the carnage. So, now what? Where do you go from here?

I'm here for the weekend so please keep in touch. I know you're hurting and I hurt with you on this. I'm usually not nearly as sympathetic to the WS's here but you've somehow touched a nerve in me. Stay in touch and please hang in--no "it's over for good" statements--give things time--give him time.

Ammon

Bella I'm a FBH but it always saddens me when a FWW who is remorseful for her A and wants to rebuild her M, gets beaten up by her BH with cruel words and wish I had some magic words that would give you and your H comfort, hope and strength. You deserve to be first in your H's life, not second, third, etc in importance but I must echo Ammon's words about your BH being very hurt and angry. This is a normal reaction of all BS's but unless the BS moves beyond being hurt and angry, s/he will start to be consumed by them and his/her life will become a bitter one with no hope for the future. I would like to suggest that you or somebody close to your H let him know that while it's healthy to feel hurt and angry, that in the long run, he is poisoning himself and those that care very much what happens to him. He needs to know that counseling can help him overcome the hurt and anger that's inside of him, so that he can start the healing process. You can not force him to seek help to help himself, but you CAN help yourself and your children by living a healthy life while your H learns how to deal with his hurt and anger.

Peace be with you both.

Ammon,
I just don't get it ....it has been ten months since the affair..and in that ten months we were together for like eight of them...why leave now?
it just so totally drives me nuts!maybe it all happened to fast and he refuses to go back to councilling, FLAT OUT REFUSES
you know i could just scream sometimes.I tell him i love him and its like it goes right through him and now i get the feeling it makes him angry.Civil yes but loving ,on his part ....i just don't get the impression it is there.
i guess i just need to vent...in the end i have learned from my past mistakes and i may have lost one of the best things in my life, i think i have forgiven myself, just so damm hard to have to let go..
thanks for listening,
Bella

you are so right coffee man.and that is what i am affraid of is him living like that and leading a misserable life,,,it already consumes him and i have tried everything,,,,talking, not talking, loving, the list goes on and on.i am sure that i have lost him for good.I know that that is not possitive thinking but i just don't see a way back this time.
bella

Bella --

Two comments:
1) Don't try to "make sense" out of any this = wasted and frustrating effort. You're second-guessing (all of us have done it) and you're trying to deal rationally with the irrational.

2) When he hears you say that you love him, his intense guilt (yes, he knows fully that what he's doing is flat-out wrong!) produces the anger you suspect and makes continued conversation and interaction very iffy and uncomfortable. It's hard not to want to let him know that you still care--and on some level he needs to hear that and know that--but reaching out like that creates problems more than it solves them. Besides, "in one ear and out the other" is immensely frustrating for you. You put it out there and it falls flat on the ground--not good for your self-esteem.

Sure you need to vent, we all do, and this is a great place to come to do it, anytime on any day. One thing we're good at doing: sitting with you and listening to you and really, really hearing you.
In some form or another, we're where you are or we've been there; we KNOW what you're going through. We're here for you...

BTW, I still maintain that it's way too early in the process to be making judgment calls about "having lost one of the best things in my life." Don't give up and don't let go. It ain't over 'til it's over--and even then, it ain't over.

Ammon