To make it as short as possible, I had been with my wife since 95, the last few years things have gone down hill (I just read the love bank info here this evening) and I can see where things have been going wrong I guess. I supposed I kinda gave up my feelings when I started talking to a girl I met about a year ago on yahoo and we fell in love, now Im at the point where I told my wife that I want to be on my own becuase I cant handle being in this situation anymore and I know its a hell I created for myself, but she still wants to try and work it out...but I lost my feelings of love for her even though I do care about her alot and thats whats making it so hard, I know if I leave she will be devasted, but I cant bare the thought of not being with the girl I met now as I love her, but I just cant make a decision and its been making me feel like Im in a nightmare..I dont know what to think or do without causing someone much pain, I have alot of time spent on my old relationship..but I cant see how things will improve in the future and I may be back to square 1, yet I care for her that the last thing I wanna do is hurt her like this..but its tearing me apart:(
And the girl I met online I love her deeply now and so Im in torment..and i have to make a decision soon -this weekend, otherwise I'll go insane:( I hav'nt dated or been in many relationships, my wife was the only woman I'd been with until I met the new girl. Im 32. How can I make it easier for her if I decided to seperate or should I even...uhh god

Wrong...you dont "love her" she is filling in an emotional need right now that yer wife isnt. Soon as yer on yer own and away from yer wife(so no one is on yer back about an affair or yer wearabouts/time) the feelings for the OW(other woman) will fade and the fog of the affair will be lifted. The best thing for you to do now I think is spend quality time with the wife and renew yer feelings with her. Leaving to "sort out yer feelings" isnt the answer, it would just cause more problems.

Thanks for your quick reply.
The time I've spent with the OW has been mostly online, although we did meet very recently after 11 months of talking, and its not just physical (we never cyber chatted once) I really grew to know her and love everything about her, and vice versa. My W has no idea about what Im doing, but she knows I have been unhappy for longer than this situation, I think we both have. But Im more scared of the effects on her if I decided to move away too and uh I dunno, I really let my feelings go for her a while ago and fell for the girl. My W has been good to me and thats what makes it even harder..I wish she did'nt care so much

Every relationship has problems that develop over time. Your affair seems to be better than your marriage at this point because there are no problems, or accountability, when one is involved in an affair. Marriage takes work and in contrast an affair only takes lust. You will quickly learn that your new found lover is not everything that she appears to be at this point once your wife is out of the picture. Then you will truly learn a hard lesson of not knowing what you lost until it is gone. You need to quit talking to the other woman and rebuild your marriage....no doubt about it.

Wildone_106,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...but I cant bare the thought of not being with the girl I met now as I love her, ... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I will echo earlier sentiments that I posted today about my situation: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> True love is honest and patient. By him pursuing you, he has destroyed all the true love he ever had for you. True love waits and does not push for destruction of a marriage, which will inflict enormous pain on not only you and me, but our families and friends. True love is simply that, true.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bottom line, there is a big difference between falling in love and being in love. You are not in love with this OW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ..and i have to make a decision soon </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I empathize with your feelings, but you must end all contact with this person. I highly recommend that you show your wife this website and all it has to offer.

By finding this site at this point you will save your marriage and yourself. Take care.

as a former WS I ask you to please reconsider what you are doing!

What Changed my Mind

Please read this I wish I had read this before I had my A!!!

The following is a series of threats to you and others that result from having an affair. I got it from the book "I Will Never Leave You" by Hugh and Gayle Prather. Though I disagree with a lot of what the book says, this list was the reason I cut off contact with him, and it continues to give me strength when I am feeling weak. It is meant to be read out loud, insert names as necessary.

your position in the world
a) Affairs demean my role in the world.
b) Through them, I teach that commitment is a worthless value.
c) I teach that risking another's happiness can increase one's own.
d) I teach that we are not connected and that we can think and act without affecting each other.
e) If my affairs end in divorce, I will complicate my own life and diminish the lives of (spouses involved and all children involved, and other person).
f) This waste may be the only real inheritance I leave behind, if I continue making infatuation my guide.

your children
g) Affairs risk the happiness and security of (all children involved), with which they trust to me.
h) Through nothing (children) have done, affairs risk scrambling and entangling their lives at a time when their lives should be simple.
i) Whether discovered or not, affairs remove me spiritually from my children and diminish, if not destroy, my position as their example and teacher.
j) Affairs implant a pattern of betrayal, noncommitment, and lovelessness that would have its effect on (children)'s future relationships, including those with their children.

your partner
k) Affairs remove me from the path that (spouse) and I had meant to walk.
l) They risk abruptly throwing (spouse) into humilitating and chaotic circumstances, a blow from which he or she may never fully recover.
m) They threaten to throw (spouse) into pain, confusion, anger, cynicism, and protracted suffering.
n) They threaten (spouse)'s mental and physical health.
o) The risk the loss of our mutual friends.
p) They risk changing forever the relationship that (spouse) and I have with our in-laws and family members.
q) They risk changes to our shared income, standard of living, occupations, and future prospects.
r) I am the one person in the world with whom (spouse) has chosen to remain. This trust would be betrayed.
s) If I now fail to attend to my own healing, I risk the possibility that (spouse)'s life, my life, OP's life, and the lives of(all children and other spouse's involved) will be rewritten as tragedies.

your core
t) Affairs are acts of extreme insensitivity that diminish me spiritually.
u) They split my mind between the single purpose of oneness and the scattered goals of indulgence.
v) They make smallness the defining characteristic of my self-image.
w) They raise the physical body to a position of control it is incapable of assuming, thus leaving me without control.
x) They delay, and can even end, the possibility of my experiencing enduring love withing this lifetime.
y) Until I question the value of betrayal, I will not feel a guiding presence in my life.
z) In the world's balance between awakening and sleeping, affairs add my life to the dream of loveless isolation


You have been with your wife for 7 years. That is a long time. Do you want to throw away all those years?

I want share with you a few things I learned since my A and since I joined here:
1)Affairs are extremely selfish
2) I have no business looking for a new relationship if I don't want to/can't try to fix the one I am in.

good luck and I hope you choose your wife over the OW. You have no idea how much pain your wife will be in.

Willdone, I don't think you'll find anybody here at MB who will agree with your continuing the Affair.

The source of your unhappiness is directly related to your choice of hurting your wife--she is actually the person who should be on your mind. I don't condemn you because I had an affair myself--so I know from experience it's all about indulging oneself in a fantasy world.

Guaranteed if you pursue your Lady Internet Love, you will end up in problems with her, too. There is no perfect woman.

What you are doing is completely selfish and not just hurting your wife--you are actually hurting yourself.

We are not trying to be mean here--we know firsthand that you can recover your marriage and life can be so much better.

Think it through. How can you reasonably explain this to your friends and family? Your mind will play tricks on you but if you sit down and face facts, you'll see you have been playing a game.

Also, often people who have internet relationships base those "relationships" on many lies--real life together is hard. Marriage takes hard work but it's worth the commitment.

Remember your wedding vows? For better or worse, in sickness and in health...

Please tell your wife the truth and choose her--she was your first choice for a good reason. If you have been avoiding her because of being on the computer too much, you have let things go wrong--again I don't mean that as a lecture--I did the very same thing--neglected my family and it led to terrible trouble.

The consequences of living a life of truth far outweigh what you are doing now.

We are all hoping you choose the better path. Keep us posted.

i want to add something to the list above-the possible health risks and permanent health damage. also the possibility of death.

If you go right from your marriage, with unresolved issues, to another relationship....you will be bringing all of your problems with you. The chances of you staying with this other woman are about 5%. Is that worth destroying a marriage over? Of course you don't feel in love with your wife, you're putting all of your emotional energy into this other relationship.
People involved in affairs are ALWAYS in love, and never in love with their spouse. OR SO THEY SAY. Until the infatuation wears off and they are left with the ruins of their marriage, their friendships, their self respect, etc.

Please get into counseling. Determine which need this woman is meeting, that your wife should have first dibs on. We all make mistakes. But please don't compound it by leaving your marriage for this other woman. It is NOT worth it. What you are feeling will fade quickly once reality seeps in. By then it may be too late.

good luck and keep posting

Okay - this sounds like my H. He met a girl online (yahoo in fact) mostly online relationship but they did meet twice (Long distance). He fell out of love with me and was in love with her - period. He wanted out of our marriage to be with her. Fast forward almost three years - my H and are very much in love again. It took a lot of work, but we are closer than ever. This can happen to you. Realize that your online love grew from not having your needs met at home, and the more you depend on the OW, the less you allow your own W to be your friend, confidant and lover.
Solution: NO NO NO NO CONTACT with OW ever again. Allow your wife access to your yahoo account, get counselling, read books, and seek your own wife to share your heart and soul with.