Why am I staying? I feel I love him. I can't imagine life with anyone else. I had the chance to leave when I found out he was involved in an emotional affair. He had the chance to tell me to leave and yet he said, "Stay". He didn't love me enough then. He says he loves me now. He said he loved her then and now says he doesn't have any feelings for her. It isn't the first time he has cheated on me. I blamed myself last time but this time I can't. One moment I know I can make this work and the next moment I say to myself that there is no way I can ever forget. I ask him questions and he says he doesn't have the answers. He just says he was "stupid". I want to know why he rubbed my face in this mess. He left a letter where I could find it. He told me about the chat messenger account. It wasn't enough that he contacted her while he was at work and on his cell phone. He sat downstairs in our living room and chatted on the internet. He knew I could find out if I looked at his computer. He left long distance calling cards and her number in his dresser drawer. It wasn't enough he cheated on me but he brought this home and was so insensitive as to have it where I would find out. That is the part I have the hardest part with. I could understand an affair but to be callous enough to do it right under my nose and with his ex-wife of thirty years ago torments me. That, to me says not only is he weak but hateful. He chose the one woman that could hurt me the most and he made love to her online in our house. If I stay with him knowing this then I feel I have cheapened myself. I have always let men do this to me. I am too old and should know better. I have hit a brick wall again. He can't tell me why he did this other than he was stupid and I can't understand why I am willing to remain with him. Love is one thing but it seems to me like I am asking to be hurt again. Thanks for listening.

Leedaizee

leedaizee --

Sorry no one has replied to you yet; it's been almost 24 hours. So...here I am. Welcome to MB. With the holiday upon us, the board is not its usual self and will continue that way through the weekend. By Monday or so, things will be back to normal around here. If you don't get a lot of feedback for now, hang in and our wonderful people will be here for you by the beginning of the week.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm here to listen anytime you want to post throughout the weekend. Vent, rant, rave, cry, all of the above...your choice. You're not alone here at MB.
After a year of posting and hurting, I know the high quality and sensitivity of people here; it's a good place to come when you're down. If we're lucky, we somehow find our way here when we're at our lowest ebb. Now you're a part of things...

Sometimes the criminal wants to get caught. He leaves clues which point to him and only him. He says, "look what I'm doing, catch me, please." Sometimes the plea says, "stop me before I do it again." So now your H (I'm assuming) leaves clues and you've caught him. Now what?

First off, he may not on any conscious or rational level know why he's cheated (again!). Almost beside the point, he has and you know that he has.
"Stupid" doesn't even come close; I can think of another fifty adjectives to add to the mix.

It's always harder when the OP is someone you know, always harder when that someone represents a past signicant relationship, always harder when the cheating takes place right under your nose, violating the sanctity of your home. I hurt for you, leedaizee, I really, really do. It is very much "rubbing your face in this mess." I say again: now what?

He is weak, he is stupid, he got problems which need fixing. Given all of that, love is still present for you. I'm glad of that. I'm glad that you haven't been so embittered by this and incidents in your past that you've turned your back on your heart. Actually, I'm not sure you've "cheapened yourself" by staying with him know what you know. Some may disagree but I think you're showing incredible patience, perseverance, determination, and yes, love.

See, you're where you need to be with this. If and when you reach a point where enough is enough, you'll know it. You'll feel it. You'll act on it. But for now, you're exactly where you should be. If if was any different, you wouldn't be here, you'd be there. Right?

BTW, you're never "too old," not around here--and I don't know what that means anyhow. Too old to be hurt? Too old to be taken-in? Too old to know better? -- but, see, you love him, not a bad thing or an insignificant one. Blindly? No, not in this case, not now. Willingly.

We're here for you. We care. Please post again and keep us updated.

Ammon

Lee --

Are you still there? We haven't heard from you for a couple of days so I'm just checkin' in to make sure that you're coping and hanging in.

Don't know where in the world you are (literally) but where I live, we're deep into "holiday" time, now and for the next month = doubly difficult since memories of happier times are the sharpest. Makes the burden even heavier.

Hope you're doing OK with things. Please post and let us know. We do care and we're here for you.

Ammon

so sorry you are going through this. I am in a similar yet different situation. I would love to discuss your definition of emotional affair. I get conflicting ideas from my counselor and my spouse. If you are up for discussing it, please do. I understand it to be an emotional bond that is not physical but has the same bond as a sexual affair would. My husband stopped his, but held on to her as a friend. It is driving me crazy, literally to have her around him at all. What do you think?

Karenjm --

Holding on to her "as a friend" continues the EA, in fact, continues the relationship and the bonds which brought about the EA.

Welcome to MB -- I hope Leedaizee won't mind the use of her thread. I don't know where she's gotten to anyhow.

I am very sorry for this EA situation in your life.
You are right to be concerned. Trust your gut here. An EA is in some ways more involving than a PA as the attachment is more insidious and more difficult to release. Your stated definition works very well. Your H didn't stop his, not at all. If she's still a "friend," he maintains the EA.

You should insist upon NC (no contact) of any kind with this woman. She shouldn't be "around him at all" = bottom line. EA's often expand into PA's--very often, then the problems increase tenfold. If you're uncomfortable with this inappropriate relationship, that's all your H should need to know to stop it immediately. If he insists on maintaining this "friendship," then you have at least a partial answer about his level of commitment to you.

Please post again and fill in some details if you're comfortable with that. We're here for you...

Ammon