3 Weeks ago I found out that my husband had been having an affair. He had been having an EA and a PA with this woman. I had my things packed and was ready to leave when he suggested that we see our pastor at church. We saw him several times and talked with him a lot. My husband begged me to stay and said that he wanted to make us work. I stayed. He told me that he would have no contact with her whatsoever. Well I woke up Thanksgiving morning and found emails to her that he had been sending to her this whole time. He caught me and pushed me out of the room and locked the door and erased them all so I could not see them. My heart is broken all over again. What do I do. Do I stay and contiue to have my heart torn out or do I pull my children out of school and take them to a whole different state. Those are the only options. He sees nothing wrong with contacting her. He says as long as I don't know it won't hurt me and that I need to quite snooping. Part of me says run and run fast but part of me says to stay. I am so confused. I don't know anymore. I feel numb. Will I EVER be able to beleive him again? He called her in front of me and told her that he was sorry for contacting her again and that he would not be contacting her again. I acted real irrational and screamed and yelled. She told me that she would get a restraining order against him and that she was going to tall her boss about what happened. If she does that he will get fired from his job because the PA happened at her work. He is a liason between her work and his so it would be a big deal. At this point I don't care. Thanks for letting me ramble.

Stephanie

Try to remain calm ... and sane! (easier said than done... but you need to stay calm for the kids' sake)

Have you read all the articles on this site yet? If not, please read them.

Have you read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson? It's a good book for someone in your position .... with kids and a disrespectful husband keeping contact with the OW.

You said "Those are the only options" ... and that's simply not true. Those are the only options you can see right now .... but, there are others.

Please do not make any major decisions until you have read a bit more, spoken with your pastor a bit more, and you have become less emotional. Major decisions need to be thought out and right now, you're too emotional. So, wait.

You might consider contacting a family law attorney, just to find out what your rights are in your State (if you are in the USA). Not to file for divorce (waaay too early and your emotionally a mess right now)... but to gather information. I think that your moving out might be a mistake that may be construed as abandonment ... and THAT puts you in a difficult legal position later on.

Take your time ... there is no rush right now. You want to run away because of the pain ... but, guess what ... no matter where you run to ... the pain will follow. So, stay put (unless he's abusive ... THEN run like hell) .... get information. Keep a journal and enter daily things you are learning.

Try not to focus your thoughts and energy on the OW. Your kids need your focus ... so don't waste your energy thinking about OW.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Thank You so much. I am just so confused. I go from being happy and wanting to make our lives work to getting angry all over again. Is it a good sign that he called her and told her that they would have no contact? She I beleve that he really means that. I am going to call an attorney at the beg. og the week. I am in a predicament though. I am also a stay at home mom. I don't have a job, My van is broken down and in the shop, so I don't have transportation either. I am just hurting so bad right now. We had worked so hard. I had made sure that I did things just for him. I made sure that I got the kids in bed by 8:30 every night so we could have time together. He says that he was just sending her emails to let her know how he was doing because she asked him to keep in touch. I think he was keeping the door open because if I leave he would still have someone. I woke up crying this morning. I thought I was having a bad dream. Thanks for listening.

STephanie

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He sees nothing wrong with contacting her. He says as long as I don't know it won't hurt me and that I need to quite snooping. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Stephanie, don't buy this malarky. There is everything wrong with continued contact. Your "snooping" serves two purposes. First, it uncovers information that you need, especially since he is telling you in the above statement that he does not intend to be honest with you. Second, it helps to finally reestablish trust when you find nothing from the snooping that indicates he is being less than honest with you.

Since you are still very early into all this, I can also tell you that contact with the OP is, unfortunately, quite common. It went on with us for about 4 months post start of recovery. I have a firm No Contact rule and each time that there was contact, I found out about it, and my wife knew that I was one step closer to calling it "quits". I also endured the contact because I saw the withdrawal she was going through was getting less and less and that there WOULD be a day when No Contact became permanent.

Please get the two you into joint Christian counseling. It is essential.

God bless you.

Well he says he is going to prove to me that he is not going to contact her anymore. I told him yesterday that he is on 2 strikes and strike 3 means that I am leaving. He says that he does not want me to leave. Unfortunatly, the counseling session that I had set up tonight with our pastor he wants me to cancel. He said he is does not want to talk about it yet. He said to reschedule it for next week and he would make sure that he is there. I have things lined up for me and my kids if this happens. I am sorry to say but I think I may have to prove to him that I mean business if he does not come around. He has made some comments about me not leaving. Thanks for your input.

Stephanie

Stephanie -

First of all big cyper (hugs) to you.

I too am a SAHM while running the whole household and depend on my WH for financial support. My WH was traveling alot when he met the OW and started the PA. To my knowledge it never went beyond that, but the cell phone calls continued for many weeks before I discovered them. He says it's over, but do I believe him . . . . I want to, but trust is something he needs to earn back. So far I've found no evidence of contact . . . that I know of, but then again, I think I'm scared to death to actually find something. We too will begin counseling on Monday. Prior to this PA we had no problems so I was completely blindsided by the A.

Keep strong for you and your kids. Keep us updated, we're all here for you.

Stephanie
_____________________
WH - 37
BW (me) - 35
Married: 15 yrs
daughters (11, 8, 5)
PA: Aug 2002 - Oct. 4, 2002
DDay: October 31, 2002

stephaus10,

Hang in there. Here is a old post that helped calm me down(as much as that's possible)

WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well he says he is going to prove to me that he is not going to contact her anymore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Will he let you check his email etc...?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He says that he does not want me to leave. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You shouldn't leave, he should, if it comes to that. It doesn't matter that he is the breadwinner. Why should you and your children go through all that for his bad choice. Any thoughts on that?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said he is does not want to talk about it yet. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is in no position to bargain. Ditto on the NC either.

Stay strong. You are in the right place.