Well not more than 48 hours after I wrote the last post, my wife decides to show up on the door step at 3: 00 am on Wednsday,the day before T-giving. Incredibly, she drove 2.5 hours in the rain and darkness(she does not like to drive at night) . All of this was preceded by a series of phone calls , testing me for my reaction to her questions about where we we stood with our marriage. The big question on her mind was "Can you forgive me?" Answer, I don't know. I'd like o think I can....but that remains to be seen. part of her desire to see me was fueled , in part, by a disagreement with her lover,and I believe the fact tha she misses her children. But she seemed to be sincere.
It was too late for her to go back, and she was tired. She sad she was going up stairs and invited me along to join her. In amoment of weakness she asked me to rub her...and this led to a three hour love making session. She stayed until I took the boys up to her Fathers for the holidays.
She aid a lot of things...unhappiness with where she is at, an some negatives about the OM, but the reality is that while she claimed she dreaded going back there and appeared to be, she went, because she hd to make T-giving dinner for her Mom. Her Mom and husband are good friends with the OM.
So for my money, the proof is in the pudding and so far no pudding. That is to say, she has not moved back.... We were negotiating that part...icluding counseling, alchohol treatmnt for her, etc....could be a very hard road.....but there are two young sons here and fifteen years..while she does not realize it....she needs to start making some smarter choices soon... I am still moving on with my plan and I have set deadines..in the meantime I am going to be a little more patient and see what happens...its been three months since we separated and about 4.5 since this all started..and with 15 years ivested I think I can wait and continue to try to atleast be her friend...it makes me feel good...and if the worst case scenario does happen... I can at least feel good about ME!
I love this site and all who have been so helpful...YOU hve made a difference in my life.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!!!!

Gregg M. --

Yes, I like your attitude! Like it a lot! Also, I like your actions. You're doing the right things not just for your W and your marriage, but for yourself as well.

Haven't read your other posts but seems like you're on the right track here. Glad you're moving ahead with your plan and your deadlines. I too think the flexibility may help matters, especially when you consider that she doesn't have a timetable or deadlines. With your boys and a 15-year investment, it's worthwhile treading lightly and testing the winds.

I like also your concept of negotiations with her on the issues, shows your willingness to work with the situation and with her = deposits in Ye Olde Love Banke. Seems like some real positives with this, a good thing for all of you. Sounds as if The Fog lifted enough for you to be able to make out shapes and landmarks. Even though she "went back," I see the entire evening as strong evidence that there's hope here. It's significant that she said she "dreaded going back there." She didn't have to say anything at all. Just to make you feel better? I don't think so -- too manipulative and at the wrong time.

Good signs here. My hopes and prayers go with you, Gregg, I hope this all works out for you and for your family. Keep us updated, will you?

Ammon

Thanks Ammon...I appreciate your support...I mistakenly posted here instead of on Just Founf Out...te rest of the story is there...plus some great advice.....what impresss me the most though
are the great people and how liberating this site is for me...it realy relieves a lot of stess and anxiety...amazing....and the advice does seem to work well...

"To all who feel the pain of loss, I wish you the Joys of the Holidays and may all of your days to follow be bright."

I am new to this discussion forum and I figured I'd try it out. My husband has been extremely distant from me for the past 6 or so months and on and off for the past year or so. We've been married for 9 1/2 years, and we have six wonderful children, the oldest being 8 years old and the youngest being 10 months. The first thing that I noticed was the extreme emotional distance. He's never been a "talker" to begin with, so communication has always been somewhat lacking in our relationship. But not to the extent that it has become in recent months. I figured that maybe we were going through a "dry patch" and that we could mend it fairly easily. Other than that, we have had what I would consider a wonderful marriage. We've always had fun together and with our children. Our wedding day to me (and those in attendance) was an unforgettable day. Everyone could see how much we truly loved each other. Six weeks ago, my husband broke the news to me that he doesn't love me, he never loved me, and that marrying me was the worst mistake of his life. This was a complete shock to me. Over the years, he would give me cards, and write the most beautiful love letters in them. He was always very caring and loving, so I never suspected this. It seemed not to fit into the puzzle, so to speak. Then he went on a business trip, and I tried to call his hotel room for several hours to no avail. Finally, I called the front desk for help. She mentioned that neither the other man that my husband traveled with or the woman, knew of his whereabouts. (This woman was a direct subordinate of my husband for about 6 years or so.) It all became a little suspicious, but I really didn't want to think the worst, so I let it go, thinking it was just a coincidence (by the way, my husband claimed that he had no knowledge that she was going on the trip until he got there). Then a week or so later, I realized that I hadn't received a bill from our cellphone carrier in three months, and I panicked, thinking we would lose our service if the bills hadn't been paid. Come to find out, not only had they been paid, but the first month's bill was around $300, the second around $500, and the third around $450. This was completely shocking to me, since we'd never paid more than $40 for these monthly bills. (I have always paid the bills.) So I tried to get them to send me a copy, and they wouldn't since only his name was on the account. Somehow (and I honestly don't know what button I pushed on the keyboard), the bills appeared in front of me, so I printed them out. He had told me that all those bills included mostly calls to his parents and some to his best friend out of state, but that there were no women on these bills. I looked at the bill, and almost all the calls were made to this woman that he had gone on the trip to Detroit with. I couldn't believe my eyes. Anyway, to make a really long story even longer, there were also some unexplained hotel bills that seemed to point in the direction of suspicious behavior. He has also moved out of our bed, and now insists on sleeping downstairs on the living room floor. The physical intimacy disappeared at least 6 months ago, and he has actually gone apartment hunting, so he has threatened to leave, but he is still here. Basically, I (along with my family and his family) am not sure what to do, since, in the face of all this evidence, he still vehemently denies any sort of affair, emotional or physical. I don't see how we can start patching up our marriage until he comes clean and admits to what he has done. We are wondering how and when to confront him, and whether to confront her and her husband, as well. Can you give me some advice?

<small>[ November 29, 2002, 09:24 PM: Message edited by: tcojco ]</small>

I'm sorry you have to be here, but I believe you can get some help in this forum.

1. Read, read, read. Read the basic concepts section off the front page of the site. It will help you understand some things you will need to know to start working on your Marriage.

2. Be nice to him. Usually we get angry when people do such bad things to us. It is much easier to have him like you, and reconcile with you if you are nice to him.

3. After you get a basic knowledge, get the books Surving An Affair, and His needs, Her Needs and read them.

4. Ask specific questions after you have some background. We can't tell you if your marriage will survive, but we can help with some parts of your attempt to make it work.

Remember that weekends, especially Holiday ones are slow, don't be alamred if you don't get quick responses to questions.

5. If there is any way at all, call the Harleys for phone counseling. They are good at what they do. If you don't believe you can do that, get local counseling for yourself, and H if he will go. It will help get to the bottom of why this happened and help to recover from it.

Hope this helps some.

SS

<small>[ November 29, 2002, 10:40 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Tcojco
I too am sorry you have to go through this. Still seeking is right though. You need to get educated on all of the material contained in this site. You will also find some incredibly supportive people here. Situations like yours have their unique aspects, but you will find that their is a great number of commmon threads that run through all of them.
The key idea is to be persistent. I know this sounds a little trite, but this site has incredible power. Yhe power of information. You will be amazed. Best of luck, we are all her for you.

Hi Greggor M.

Guard your feelings well my friend because this same scenario has been played many times before with other people here. Tomorrow she may become distant, aloof, and claim that she never loved you and that OM is her true love, blah,blah,blah, and I would hate to have your hopes and dreams of marital recovery come crashing and burning to the ground. Other than that, you seem to be doing a great job of taking care of yourself and your children. As I've lately wrote on my posts, it is her actions that will speak volumes regarding her willingness to rebuild the M, NOT her words.

Gregg M. and still seeking,

I just want to thank you for your wonderful support and advice. It always helps to have support and to know that other people have gone through the same things and have survived. I love my husband dearly, no matter what he has done. And hopefully, he will come around and finally admit to his wrongdoing, so that we can move on to healing our marriage. Thank you again for your support.

Gregg M,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> We were negotiating that part...icluding counseling, alchohol treatmnt for her, etc....could be a very hard road..... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The alcohol treatment part caught my eye. If she is having a problem with alcohol, that must be taken care of first. She has to really want it and be willing to do what it takes to recover. But you wont' know that up front.

I havn't read your other posts, so I don't the entire story. Just wanted to let your know that I am a sober alcoholic of 10 years and my WH is a practicing alcoholic, so I have some *experience* in this area.

D.

I am up early as usual as we are putting up the lights on the house for the Holidays. (Hope they all work). TooMuchCoffeeMan, I have heard everything you have said. I am protecting my feelings like I would my life.
A very odd feeling has come over me lately. In spite of, or perhaps because of my wifes appearance "out of the blue" the other morning, I now feel insulated from her. I still care very deeply for her but now I feel like I am in total control of myself. And I like it.
She has not attempted contact us since then and it is puzzling, but I will NOT let that ruin my day week, month or life.
When she was here with me, I did show her the MB website, she didn't say much and I pointed out a few things. It gave her a very good idea that I have been thinking and acting constructively about our marriage and, I think, is beginning to realize that maybe,just maybe there is a thread to latch on to.
And for all the misery around here lately, I am looking forward to the Holidays and am getting into the Holiday spirit. A little early ? I think not ! Seasons Greetings to All!