I posted this originally on the PlanA/B forum and a kind person told me I should post here. I need some help from you guys! Me and my husband met at the age of 17 and I just KNEW he was the ONE. We married at age 21. We have been married for 14 years and have 3 beautiful children. Back a few years ago I had an affair with his best friend behind his back. The OM wife was my best friend. We where always together it was like we leaned on each other for everything. Not a day went by that we didn't see our friends. I felt horrible about my affair but as most of us think noone will ever find out. I just felt like I was in love with two men. I loved my husband dearly but also enjoyed the "fantasy" world of the OM. It was the excitement that made me feel good about myself. The OM s wife found an email from me to the OM. And from that day on we haven't spoken. My H was furious and asked me about it of course just like everyone else I denied it. My H spoke with me for just about a day. And we really havent spoke of it since. I thought he is a wonderful man to give me the benefit of the doubt. This was 3 years ago. Since then things were a little hectic in our lives and I've been stressed out with our children because my husband was ALWAYS the type to work all types of jobs and hardly ever be home. I almost felt #2 or 3 but it was normal for me. He worked most holidays. But I was very supportive for him. Just this past August I found out he's been having an affair himself. I WAS DEVESTATED!! At first he said they were just friends. But the cell phone bills told me a whole different story! I kept after him until he FINALLY admitted they were sleeping together. It was going on for about 1 year. I made counceling appts. for us. He had always agread to go he was sorry & wanted to work it out. While we were in counceling I got the feeling that he just wasn't able to spend more time at home and really "TRY" yet. All was good for a couple of weeks and then he told me I was agravating him by asking about things. So he chose to move out. He had to"clear" his head. I was very upset by this I felt we needed to deal with this together. I was willing to forgive him because I too made mistakes. Everyone makes them I read book on top of book, websites anything I could get my hands on for help. I thought getting down to the real problems, fixing them and overcoming them would allow us to grow stronger & closer. I still knew he was the one for me. Marriage is about commitment, plans for the future and learning to accept each other for who they are. I wanted to continue to work on it and made it well known. I felt I was the one doing ALL THE CHANGING. He was doing nothing!! He just abandoned us by moving out. Shortly after that he admitted to me that he's IN LOVE with her. He loves me but not "In Love" with me. I knew it was the withdrawal. He swore it was OVER. But I found her # on my caller ID when I wasn't home. So they had still been seeing each other. I was heartbroken!! I told him I could NEVER trust him again and I wanted him out of the house. I was so upset, hurt, devestated, angry and ever other emotion you can think of. He had NO problem leaving for good. By the way next day found dress clothes in MY washroom - HE HAD BEEN OUT TO DINNER WITH HER!!! So he couldn't be "too upset" I asked him to leave. So now he told me straight to my face he thought he wanted to work it out and he did try but he now wants a divorce. Myself & the kids are devestated. My emotions are all over the place I'm good one day not so good the next. Been on Paxil to help me get thru this but not doing well. They work together and the thought of them being together sickens me. I need some help I am desperate. I know I should just get the divorce because after deliberately choosing his lover over me & his 3 kids just proves to me I can NEVER trust him again. But how do I go on????? He has been using me as a scapegoat because "I did it first" but I KNEW what was important to me (my family & him) I knew my affair was JUST THAT an affair (infatuation) & I begged my H not to leave when he suspected mine. HELP HELP I don't know how long I can put on the strong front of being brave but also knowing Daddy wont be coming home. I really need some advice and support.

Dear H:

Dear H:
Welcome to MB and I'm so sorry you are here. I just wanted to let you know I read your post. The weekends on here are very slow and I have to leave right now, too. I hope you take the time to read everything on this website - all the articles - they are wonderful.

Others will be adding their advice too. I really have to run but I just wanted to let you know someone was thinking about you and I'll check in later this afternoon. In the meantime, take care of YOU.
DB

Hi dazedblonde,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really do need to know I'm not alone. I feel desperate, unloved, unwanted, unappreciated, sad, angry, jealous, I don't know how I could possibly feel any worse! This all coming from the person I THOUGHT loved me! How do I feel better about ME and get on with life with my KIDS? It almost makes my day better when I am REALLY MAD at him. I try not to think of the good times. It just makes my heart break over and over again. Am I nuts?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

HBrokeMyHeart --

Nope, not nuts at all, just sandbagged, stunned, hurting, puzzled, frustrated, in pain, and all of the above -- plus all of those other terms you've used: desperate, unloved, unwanted, unappreciated, sad, angry, jealous, etc.

Each day brings you 24 hours closer to the light, one step further along out of the darkness. In a way, you wouldn't even have to do anything special, it would just happen without your involvement, albeit on a much slower timetable. But, that's not the case; you're aware and working and posting here = right things, good things.

Focus on you and your three children. Love them even more since they're hurting too and they didn't do anything to deserve this crippling of your family. Talk to them, hug them, tell them that BOTH mommy and daddy love them, that these are "grown-up" problems and they aren't at fault in any way. It is in the giving to others that we receive the most; that is, it'll make you feel better too.

I can feel your hurting right through the screen and I'm very sorry that you and your children are in this mess. We do care and we do support you; you are definitely not alone. Post again and let us know how you're doing. We're here for you...

Ammon