Why do the husbands having the affair try to blame everything on the wife?? My husband is NOW telling me after 14 years of marriage that I NEVER treated him right (and his family agrees) I have always been the one that took 90% care of the children worked full time with 3 of them. Finally went part time but also do the bills, scheduling, major cleaning, also taking care of HIS self-owned business that is just a side thing to make $. It's never made money since day one. I gave him financial, emotional support to start his business and gave him the TIME he needed to try to make a go of it. Little did I know the reason his business wasn't doing well was because he had a second life with a woman he works with. They spend money for "dating" dining & motel rooms. But I'm the one being blamed??? How is that possible. My H was always so kind, gentle, and all around wonderful person we never fought. But NOW he's telling me I've turned him into a Yes man. I told him I'm not a mindreader he needs to speak up and tell me what he needed or didn't need - then he came back with "Oh yea then I'd get the attitude". Why do they do this? My heart has been broken in two. I've been with him since I was 17 and were now 35. I can't believe he's left me for the other woman.

Hi HBrokeMyHeart.

It's a universal WS thing because same thing is done by WW's to their BH's and it's because it makes them feel less guilty and justified for their betrayal. Remember that NOBODY likes to be the bad guy and blaming others is the way of avoding the labeling. It also appears that by closing their eyes to the truth they beleive the reality of their betrayal will just go away.

You are not alone, we are all here for one another.

Hi TooMuchCoffeeMan,

Thank you so much for your reply. He almost has me doubting myself and my beliefs of how I am. He justs wants me to act as though nothing is wrong. Am I supposed to be cheerful & smiling when this man I've been married to for 14 yrs and have 3 children with comes over to see the kids. Shouldn't he even take the kids out - so he & I don't see each other?
Thanks for your support.

You are human and if you are in pain you are naturally going to have a need to express it. If he can't or won't emotionally support you, then maybe a relative, friend (female), or we MB folks can help you until he (hopefully) gets to the stage of being out of the fog and he will finally be able to be your H and main emotional support. You are more strong than you give yourself credit for.

HBrokeMyHeart --

Don't doubt yourself! You know deep down in the very core of your being who you are and what you are. You KNOW those things about yourself--and they are true things and they are the REALITY of the situation.
Coffee's got it right (again)--making you think twice about everything is SOP for the WS. Much easier that way since BS doesn't need further justification for his actions. But--and it's an immense but--this isn't your fault, it's completely his. He CHOSE to have an A, a choice that he will live to regret more than he ever thought possible.

He has no idea at this point of the far-reaching effects of his actions, no idea at all how many people he has hurt or will hurt, starting with his own family, and leading ultimately all the way back around to himself.

"Am I supposed to be cheerful & smiling" -- No, it's not business-as-usual for any of you. It's called the consequence of one's actions. As long as The Fog obscures the real world, you are going to need to respond to it in that way. Don't expect much from him to make sense, shifting the blame (or trying to) is unfortunately a standard component of this horrible process. Read WAT's wonderful Guide for Betrayed Spouses elsewhere on this site.

Please post again anytime and keep focused on the reality here, not his brand of it. We are most definitely here for you...

Ammon

Most WS attempt to cast blame on the BS for "making" them have an affair. It's part of the jusifaction they need to do something they know in their hearts is wrong. Don't allow it to become "who you are". You did not make him take that option for whatever issues there were in the marriage which may have needed attention, any more then he made you back in 1999.

Did the two of you really work out the problems in the marriage over your betrayal and the issues that needed working on for each of you? Did you seek counseling?

The two of you have a long history together, read what is on the site to see if some of it will work in your situation. There is a lot of information here on how best to attempt saving a marriage, even when it seems as if all hope is gone.

Good Luck!

HBroke My Heart, I'm sitting here at 2:00am my time, struggling with the same torment you expressed in your post...I too met my H at a young age, 16, married at 20 and spent 28 years with a man who now seems to be a total stranger...and acts stranger everyday!!! I heard vitually the same stuff...I let him down, I controlled and manipulated, I was never happy with anything he did, I'm not going to get to tell him what to do anymore (!!) yada, yada. Sure we had arguments over the years, some not so pleasant, and days when we didn't speak to each other, slammed doors, the whole nine yards. But to think this caused him to have an affair(s) drove me nuts...I constantly dwelt on what I didn't do right, if only I had done this or said that or gone there, or, or, or...finally one evening my oldest daughter looked at me and said "Mom you have GOT to stop talking to him, he is making you crazy and this is NOT your fault - he's sick, he needs help and he needs God's help. He has to fix himself, you CAN't do it." Wow, and I gave birth to this kid!!! Her words have stuck with me and helped make me strong. People at this board have helped make me strong. I have really bad days and probably will for some time - so will you - but it really is guilt and the need for justification that makes them act so irrationally. Hold you head up - you've taken the right path. Hang in there.

Broken X 3 --

Sorry to interrupt this thread but I wanted to respond to you. Hope HBrokeMyHeart won't mind...

I'm feel so sorry for you and wish I knew some ways to comfort you and help you through this sad time. I can be here to listen and to sit with you and to offer my support to you.

I'm thankful that you realize that your actions or inactions over the years did not cause your H's A-- he CHOSE this terribly wrong path for himself. But (as is typical), he needs to "justify" it, so guess who gets the blame? He can't/won't accept responsibility for his unthinkable behavior so he needs a scapegoat, someone he can point to as the reason.

No, you don't recognize this man any longer. It is a horrible nightmare to see what looks like the same person you've been with for 28 years and not know him or understand anything he's saying. Not the way life is supposed to work. But he's not the same man for now; he's in The Fog and that condition has changed radically, suddenly the ground rules. Please find and read WAT's Guide for Betrayed Spouses elsewhere on this site--it's wonderful!

The Alien-Speak from him isn't accurate, isn't true, isn't logical, and isn't about you (it's all about him). Even if--that's a big IF--these things he's saying about you and your marriage are true, they STILL don't justify the A in anybody's book. There is NO justification possible here--none! And he knows it! So...he has to create something, i.e., it's all your fault.

A's shove us BS's bodily into a "if only..." mode. What did I do wrong? etc., etc. A natural and normal reaction to this bludgeoning. BUT the indisputable fact remains that this isn't about you, it's all about his weakness and his poor and devastatingly bad choices. BTW, sounds as if your OD has the right take on much of this. (I agree that you've obviously done a wonderful job with her), but you've figured out a lot of it too: "it really is guilt and the need for justification that makes them act so irrationally."

Sounds as if you need a "Hang in there" yourself (all of us here often do) and here's a ((((((Broken X 3)))))). Please post again and let us know how you're doing. We're here for you...

Ammon

I am so sorry for your pain. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF. He is doing what most WS do....pass the blame. It's easier to justify and blame the spouse than look into the mirror and face the horror they have caused. My H became a total stranger during his affair. He blamed his business, the OW, her husband, ME, his family, etc. etc. It was NEVER his fault. He was never happy with me, only married me because he felt sorry for me, etc. etc.

We did make our marriage work, eventually. But I will never forget the horrible things he said. He doesn't remember most of what he said and lots of what he did. I think it's his way of coping with the guilt.

I know you will hear many other BS say the same thing. Hang in there. Prayers

HB, I too am so sorry you have to be going thru this, everyone that posted to you are excellant in their responses and very supportive and KNOW what they are talking about. I am a junior member here too, and am going thru the "nasty WS behavior syndrome" also. It hurts and it is SO unjustified it would be laughable if one was not going thru it. He has to justify his actions and of course as unfair as it is, you are the closest thing to him to comfortably blame at this time. As we know our WS's weaknesses, THEY know our strengths and abilties to transcend MANY horrific situations that come into our lives. Don't "what if" yourself, it's not worth the aggravation and humiliation that you will do to yourself, and trust this, WE can be 100 times more damaging to ourselves when we do that. You know your qualities, you see them in your D, she stated what YOU would have told someone in your shoes, it's just that we can't be that objective with ourselves when we are involved with such unjustified pain being thrust at us. Please know that we are all here for each other and there is so much strength and support in numbers, I really think that the positive energy that is created here can heal us more than our WS's negative energy can defeat us. But with that said, there are the tough days that are just SO uncalled for. Take care and reach out anytime.

Just a wifey,

No we NEVER dealt with my past A!! Never. My H asked me for one day and I denied it (just like he did when I asked about his A). He denied it for 3 weeks. He told me he'd rather keep it in than to make waves. He held everything in. I'm wondering if he just stopped loving me the day he was confronted with evidence of my A. And just couldn't think of me in the same way again. Then when this person came along - the "conditions" were perfect for him to fall in love. And now he doesn't feel I'm worth anything because he's not been in love with me since the 1999 email. Do you think he's in a "fog" or he's finally thinking straight?!

HBrokeMyHeart --

Step back two paces and take a deep breath. There now, let's look at this from another angle.

Not dealing with a past A (on either side) is "marriage abuse" and practically guarantees major problems ahead. Conflict Avoiders never want to "make waves" and always want to "keep everything in." But, inside, it festers and infects and becomes a time-bomb -- now the explosion.

But, it's not likely at all that "he just stopped loving" you the day he was confronted with evidence of your A. But even if that had been the case, he was no more "ripe" for falling in love than any other time--too much revenge in that scenario.

He's most certainly in The Fog and is not thinking straight, using your A as justification for his. Do you know for certain that he hasn't been in love with you since the 1999 email? Of course not. Speculation and guesswork. Again, trying to find rational solutions to irrational acts. Common sense doesn't apply, smart and considerate responses and acts don't exist.

With Orchid on board, you're in very, very good hands. She's a gem, worthy of your complete attention. Hang in, please, and take another deep breath. I do wish you well.

Ammon

that which you do comes back to you, times ten. what comes around goes around. as you reap, so shall you sow. all those sayings are around for the reason. you slept with his best friend, your best friends husband, and then never dealt with it. that wound begin to fester, until it became rancid, and maybe that made it easy for him to cut you off. it's doubtful that he stopped loving you when he found out about your affair, love usually dies slowly, say over three years of silence and avoidance. he's probably afraid to trust you, and without trust love can wither and disappear. he may be in the fog, but it's possible you are as well. in your other post, you speak of how much worse his affair is then yours, as if there are degrees instead of just pain. adultery is adultery, no excuses and no justifications can change that.