My husband has refrained from drinking for 3 months and for the first time in several years our relationship has dramatically improved. But, for the past 2 weeks my husband has returned to drinking. When he drinks his mood is that of a completely different person. He is angry, uses lot of profanity, and "seems to pick arguements"..even on Thanksgiving just as dinner was beginning he got in arguement with 17-y/o son about his mother and her finances. (the day started out very well but my husband drank beer all day just "for the occasion". I started to get worried while I was cooking dinner all day that my husband may be starting to seem edgy as he drank more. I could tell when he answered the phone how he spoke to the other party, he was sounding loud and more abrasive in his speech. ----Anwyay back to the beginning of our dinner--the son took up for mother and was resenting his father's comments. I had stayed quiet throughout setting table and overheard their conversation getting heated. Finally, I diverted the conversation by by a comment I made and the arguement stopped and we proceeded with a very quiet dinner. This is one example of all the many spoiled times we have had throughout past years. We have been married 9 years. This past year has been extremely difficult but the turning point was the past 3 months and we have actually had a very peaceful and happy household. And I can't help but think that is because he has not been drinking. He claims he quit drinking those 3 months only to lose weight. however, I really think he got a a scare when he received charges for first time in his life from a stranger and his children's school. It was charges regarding his anger. It was misdemeanor charges for which he hired an attorney and the disposition after court ended up he says in the charge being dropped and changed to safe driving violation. What had happened was he had chased his sons' bus down, passed her, and got her attention and he approached the bus driver explaining in anger about her coming too early on bus route and his sons missing her bus, and he placed them on the bus. She was terrified and crying the kids say and radioed for help after he left. She was so upset she could not drive the bus and someone came and continued the route. Turns out she, with the help of the school filed charges. I know I am spilling out a lot but I have not told anyone these things and it is just all bottled up inside of me right now. I have kept this secret from all the family to save my husband embarassment, of course. My point is that at this time the bus driver felt harrassed by my husband and scared for her safety and the children she was transporting, he had been drinking heavily, not that morning of course, but still each day and it had been a big issue in our marriage. He had previous to this bus incident been going for counseling to seek help about his anger. He all the while kept denying that his drinking was causing problems with his anger. THis past summer I had finally gotten so desperate from all the years of going through this that I started leaking bits of info out to his family about his drinking causing problems. I told them only of his anger with one of our sons (actually is my step-son but I have never referred to them as my stepsons, I have been in their lives since they were 5 and 7 and loved being their new mother). I also have 2 sons from my first marriage, by the way. Both of these sons are now out of home. But in order to gain my husband's faith, I have made sure to keep quiet on his secret of this anger he displayed with the bus driver. Also, right after this happened he had gone to one of our son's ballgames after drinking too much. I tried to get him not to go in that condition, especially in lieu of the fact the school had a charge against him re his anger. I felt sure everyone could smell the alcohol on him. I stayed away from him at the game. I watched the game from the refreshment stand area standing up...alone of course...and he sat in bleachers with his parents. I know they had to smell the alcohol too, but they would not have mentioned that to him of course. I knew I needed to stay away from him or he'd start talking loud and being angry towards me and draw attention to himself. I did not want our son's to be embarrassed or his family. So best I stay away from him. He did allow me to drive him home though. I approached him upon leaving the game. I was afraid for his safety. He had parked his car 2 miles away and walked to the game earlier because he himself was paranoid of police being around school pkg. lot and noticing him driving under the influence. All this was three months ago. And our lives have dramatically improved until this past week!! It would just be nice to talk to someone right now, but there are no counselors available on a weekend. I used to resort to calling upon our family counselor at really troubled times. We have tried counseling but it seems to build more of wall with my husband rather than help our marriage. So I am afraid to go for counseling with him again. I do not know what to do. Just would like to hear from someone perhaps who has experienced similar problems in their lives.

A,

This Just Found Out board is very quiet during the weekends; and there are a couple of very good discussions going on over on the General Questions II Board that have to do with alcholism.

Post over there too. Sorry to hear about your husband's problem with alcohol. My ex-h ruined more holidays and my birthday than I care to remember. Thanksgiving was one of the ones where he would really act-out after drinking too much. He was an angry violent person when he drank; he left us shocked speachless with his temper tantrums during holiday family get-togethers.

Have you gone to any Alanon meetings? I don't think you should suggest he go to AA. Tends to make them furious that you think they have a drinking problem.

Let us know how you are doing! Blessings CSue

amarylis,

It's not easy living with an alcoholic, espcecially when actively drinking. You post didn't say whether or not you attend alanon. If not, I would strongly suggest that you start attending meetings. Look for ones where there is long term members who are SOLUTION oriented. It took me 17 years to finally embrace this wonderful organization. I had been impressed by Bramble Rose (who will probably be along to post). I could tell that she had her act together.

I am also a sober alcoholic of 10 years. So I have seen just about everything sitting in the AA rooms. My WH had gone to rehab 10 years ago but did not stay sober.

You have probably figured out that you can't have a healthy thriving relationship until the drinking stops. Only he can do that. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Please come here and post all you want. I have a great support system now, but 10-12 years ago when my WH was doing all kinds of crazy stuff, I kept it all to myself. The trouble with that is that I got sicker. This forum and alanon are safe places to get it out, and begin to deal with all the "issues".

Here's a big cyber hug ((((((((((((((((((amarylis)))))))))))))))))))))

God Bless,

D.

Thank you so much for your replies (2 have been posted since I posted today). I am home alone and have been checking from time to time just to see if any replies. This is our sons' weekend with their real mother and my husband left this morning and may not be back until late he said as he is very angry with me re Thanksgiving dinner. (I had to shock him that evening, my "comment" that got their arguement to an end and resulted in peaceful and quiet dinner was that I said "Welcome to Thanksgiving Dinner from Hell everyone"....."I cook all day and have a husband that drinks beer all day and gets drunk and fights at the dinner table with son." FIRST time I referred to my husband in front our sons as being drunk and it embarrassed him, no doubt, and humiliated him, but it shocked him so that he was actually quiet the rest of evening instead of yelling as would have in past. FIRST time I'd ever done that at a holiday meal, but this past year I have started being outspoken and have even admitted to myself finally that he must have a drinking problem. When I finally mentioned to family about my concerns of his anger/alcohol problem they agreed he has always had an anger problem and that he should not drink as much. (in years past they have mentioned to me of his first marriage and that the two of them both had tempers, and they have remarked what "a jewel" I am and please stay that way. I have grown very fond of my in-laws and they me I think. Their marriage ended after 10 years when she left him with the 2 sons. Alcohol was not her complaint, she just wanted out of the marriage and no responsibilities of small children. She married young and came from another country and therefore no other family members are in this country for her. Sounds as if she led very isolated life in the country during her marriage to my husband. My husband always claims she just wanted out to go "play around" and have no responsibilities of raising children. I realize though there are always 2 sides to every story.

Alcoholic? I have wondered and asked myself that question many times but I have denied it until this year.

I will look into Alanon this week. I wish our family counselor had suggested that. She kept wanting to work more privately with him on Anger Management and also suggested he have an assessment to see if he has a drinking problem.

Thank you again, very much for your replies. I cannot tell you how much it has meant to hear from someone that has been there.

p.s.--I am not proud of my comment at Thanksgiving. I never use the word "Hell" like that in front of our children. I know that was a shock for them. One son joked that he wouldn't think this nice of food would be in hell. He is 19 and son from my first marriage. He said it sweetly, not angrily. I was embarrassed, no doubt. The meal went on. We said blessing together...all of us...except my husband, and he normally would say blessing out loud with us.

We have a wonderful family, we have always been involved with the boys' school and schoolwork, they have excelled. They are very active in scouting, sports. We have volunteered and helped with many things and have enjoyed that throughout our marriage. In fact the person he was very abrasive with on phone on Thanksgiving was another volunteer in the community and my husband used a lot of profanity in his speech to him, no anger, just sounding loud and abrasive in his complaining of a certain event they were both involved in. It is hard for me not to be embarrassed when I meet up with people that have had contact with my husband when he has been drinking. I am afraid he is a laughing stock of jokes sometimes behind our backs, maybe not, but still wonder mainly because our sons futures are at stake and I would not want his actions affecting their success with their futures with college, etc. We are both very caring parents and want the best for our children, so we stay very involved with them. We both work full-time as well. Ny husband has always been a very good father (except when drinking,of course). My husband and I have always had I thought a very passionate relationship and we are best friends.

How can all this get so out of whack? I have no doubt now that it is the alcohol. It has so very much turned me against wanting a drink myself this year. I have been very careful about having any myself once I started wondering if he is an alcoholic. I certainly don't want to drink myself if that is the case.

These past 3 months of our home life being so back to normal just proves to me that alcohol was the culprit. We have had much happiness and peace these past 3 months. I ccould actually get good night's sleep each night...until these past 2 weeks. Our boys have seemed happier these past 3 months. One son has even remarked to me privately how much better it has been around here with Daddy not drinking. (this son had wanted him to go to AA this past summer)

Yes, your H is an alcoholic, it sounds like a funcition one, but one none the less. You are helping him continue on his self-destructive path by covering up for him when he's done something which resulted from his drinking. Sorry, I know that's harsh, but it is something you need to face, too. Al-anon will help show you how to step back and let him deal with his problems he creates when drinking. (Although, always do whatever is necessary to make sure that he doesn't drink and drive, even if that is helping him, too.)

Since he was able to stop drinking for the past three months, you know the man that he is inside when he allows him to appear. This man you want to keep. You can't make him stop, you can't make him better, you can't fix it. This is HIS problem, although I know that the effects of his problem is also yours.

Stop covering for him with family and friends. When he's too drunk to work, do NOT call in for him. He passes out in the car, cover him with a blanket and let him sleep there. etc. etc.

It's not easy! It horrible to watch someone you love go down this destructive path, but as long as he knows that you'll be covering up for him, telling lies or keeping secrets...he won't have the "push" to face up to what he is doing to himself and to all those who love him.

I would go ahead and call your counselor. You may not have impressed on him/her enough what lengths you've had to go to help your H while he is drinking. Tell them exactly how often he drinks, how much he drinks, what happens when he drinks, and what it is doing not only to him, but to you, and your children.

You're H can get better. But it does usually take some professional help to get there. There is nothing shameful about having this illness, it is shamefully not to do something about it.

You're standing up for what is right. You want to save your marriage and have a healthier and happy one, that's all our goals.

My h is an alcoholic and uses pot... I am so sorry to hear that you too suffer this plight.

Get to alanon... call the alanon info line in your city.. there may be a meeting tomorrow...

Also go to miracles in progress for an online meeting , though not as good, it can help... and read the steps and the principles...

Start working step one.. realize that you are powerless over the alcohol and YOur H. YOu can't stop what he is doing.

I have made comments like you made at dinner to my h before. He now holds these against me.. that I would mention alcohol problems in front of the kids... try not to .. in front of HIM if you can... it will damage your relationsihp.. The kids may need alateen or alakids... not sure what they call if for younger than teens.. but looking for a meeting for my 10 yr old right now who is having issues b/c of dad.

They can overtake your life, alcholics that is.... They can make you feel like it is your fault... it is not...

Search on the 12 Steps and start to read and meditate on them... you can't fix him. YOu need to take care of you and the kids.... and not enable.

I am coming to see how I enabled in the craziest ways- which is hard to believe at times.. and even how I manipulate him - at this point trying to get him to see the light and want to save our family / marriage... I am working so hard to just let go and if it is something HE wants, then HE can work on it.

I hope you are not afraid of infidelity, as it often accompanies alcoholism... that happened in my case.

Don't encourage your h to go to AA.. or tell him about his drinking problem.. just let him have the consequences of it... do not protect him.

Let it go and pray and give it to God as you can. He will take care of you. Start to look at YOUR life and what you can change to make things better for you and the kids..

As far as the profanity, my h has the issue.. and typically.. I just tell him I cannot be talked to that way and get off the phone politely or leave if he does it in my presence.. we are sadly seperated, so I don't have to live with it as much as I used to... although I think I hindered his style as he got more and more progressively sick.

Learn everything you can about alcholism... get a sponsor when you go to alanon, stay after the meeting and ASK for help.

Hugs to you, I will ck back in when I can.

Honey

Thanks to --AWIFEY200200 I needed to hear that. It is true what you said. I just help contribute to his problem by my silence. And I know that, that is why I went for counseling to start talking about my concerns of his drinking. I am trying to get help but NO ONE IS LISTENING TO ME!! I feel like that anyway, Perhaps I did not stress to the counselor how much he is drinking. I have gone to her over a half dozen times about it, one desperate phone call on a weekend one year ago regarding it as well. I finally started letting it be known to his family this past summer. So I am trying to start coming up with solutions. They may not be right solutions but I am trying nonetheless. That is why I myself steer away from drinking. I don't want to be doing that if he has a problem with drinking, and I also want a clear head at all times when he is drinking. I always put his safety first. That is why I was so worried when he has come home drunk 2 nights after being at a friend who is working on a car of his. (he has not come home late in over a year) I knew he was drunk and I did not try to confront him in that shape, but he said horrible things to me that he of course does not remember. I was in tears all night both times. I had to go out to our travel trailer to sleep the night. I asked him nicely and carefully to do this. I just couldn't bear to sleep with the smell of alcohol on him. It has caused our family so much pain that the smell of it hurts me terribly now. I was so diappointed. After such a good 3 months of his not drinking, and now this! Our lives have been no back to normal these past 3 months. I am just devastated now. Should I give up? I love him.

amarylis,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am just devastated now. Should I give up? I love him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would strongly encourage you to go to alanon as frequently as possible for now. There you will find support, a program of recovery (for you) so that you can better decide what is right for you and what specific action to take.

I do beleive that you are on the right track with speaking up and not covering for him. The anger issues concern me as he seems to have a real problem. I have not had to deal with it to that extreme so I hope others will chime in who have had more experience with this.

NOt all counselors really understand alcoholism. In addition to alanon, I highly recommend going to open AA meetings to listen to people's stories. You will probably see more of the denial fading away as you hear similar stories to your husbands. I found it very beneficial in that there are a lot of tricks that they use to get what they want, and when I learned those, it burst my WH's bubble. Not enough for him to quit, but enough to get off my back.

((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

D.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by WillGetThruThis:
<strong>amarylis,

It's not easy living with an alcoholic, espcecially when actively drinking. You post didn't say whether or not you attend alanon. If not, I would strongly suggest that you start attending meetings. Look for ones where there is long term members who are SOLUTION oriented. It took me 17 years to finally embrace this wonderful organization.

Dear WillGetThruThis:
It is interesting you use word "alcoholic". I started asking myself if my husband is an alcoholic this past year, but I just kept trying to tell myself he just drinks too much and has trouble with anger management when he is on drinking binges. Even when he was not actively drinking, his temper would flare. But yet in past three months there has been no alcohol to 'take over his system" so to speak in my opinon and cause his temper tantrums.

I still ask myself is he an alcoholic or just someone that drinks too much?

Yes you correct... I have You have figured out that you can't have a healthy thriving relationship until the drinking stops. Only he can do that. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
This forum and alanon are safe places to get it out, and begin to deal with all the "issues".

Here's a big cyber hug back!!((((((((((((((((((fromamarylis)))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for helping to open my eyes!

D.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

amarylis,

I lived in denial for many, many, many years about acoloism. I didn't, wouldn't, couldn't see what it was doing to my family. In truth, I did the best that I could at the time. My awakening has come in steps, sometimes leaps and then at times falling at my feet.

BrambleRose and my sponsor say that acceptance is where I am having difficulty right now. So that is what I am working on. Awareness comes first and so I can see now, that I am aware of new thoughts, interactions and situations. So that is good, I am making progress. My sponsor tells me that I need to stay in awareness for a while as I am not ready to take a huge step that would alter the lives of all of us. It may be a step I need to take (DV) but not today.

Thanks for the hug back, this can be such an isolating disease if we let it.

In the new edition of LOVE BUSTERS, The Harleys give examples of problems with alcohol and they say too that an M can't truly be healed unless the people involved are willing to be healed. The Harley's have owned 10 treatment centers, so they have had some experience in this area.

D.

Hello Amarylis:

I've posted to you on the General Questions II board.

Gib