OK.....just need to vent here.SUPPOSEDLY the affair between my H and OW is long over.Well she uses AOL as well as us.Her screenname is KISNJMS!!My H's name is James!!Is that sick or what?In her profile it also says by marital status that she is taken by James.This just angers me to no end.I don't know whether she is doing this just to get to me or what.She has always said that the affair between her and H has never ended even though we have gotten back together.<P>This has been a very sore spot for us.H says she is full of it and to ignore her.She is online with this name every damn night.I am 31 years old and do not need these childish games.Of course she is only 24.Guess it made my H feel like a real man having someone that much younger than him.He is 33.<P>Anyway.....I think I am just rambling here.But I just needed to get this off my chest and I knew this was the right place to come.Thanks for listening.<BR><P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love somehting set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

Of course this infuriates you!<P>Now what can you come up with a plan that is not disrespectful and will not make your H defensive, but will calmly convey your point of view to H?<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Unless you have something definite staring you in the face, I would believe your H. Desperate women do desperate things. During our last sep. my H and I started to "date" again. The OW started calling me trying to be a "friend". Said she didn't like me being used. She also said that she was leaving him and going back to her H. Then when my H was around, it was a totally different story. I was harrassing her, she needed him so,ETC. I would not give her the satisfaction of coming between the two of you any more than she has. Everytime she gets to you, She wins that round.

Hey Tammy,<P>Yeah, I'd have to believe that she is just trying to tick you off. You say that she is online every night. Tell me you don't have her on your Buddy list!<P>Somebody, and I won't say who, sent me a program 2 years ago that you could play "Havok" with anyone on AOL. Get into their password and change it, delete their member status and send them E-Mail bombs just to mention a few things. Too bad I deleted it. It was really scarey all the things you could do with it.<P>B!tch and bellyache all you want here. This is a terrible place to be, but, I can't think of anywhere else that I would rather be. Great bunch of folks all with the same end result in mind. <BR> <P>------------------<BR>"It's not over till we say it's over! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? H*ll no!" Blutto...Animal House 1984<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic<P>

I have a suggestion, but I want to stress a disclaimer first. This may be a terrible idea and I will rely on the more konwledgeable sane people on the forum to help you decide.<P>If your H is no longer in withdrawal and you are sure he is over with the whole thing, then maybe your H can contact her with your approval and cooperation over the internet and tell her that "He" doesn't appreciate this and that "He" wants her to change it. That unless she is screwing with some other James' life then leave his alone.<P>Many times a manipulative OW will back off when it becomes embarrassing or uncomfortable to her. If you contact her she will be in heaven, Mission Accomplished. If he contacts her she may feel embarrassed and defeated as long as he makes it clear that it isn't painful for him, just too big of a lie and an abhoring thought.<P>Just a thought. This maybe very dangerous if your H is still emotionally attached to her. No contact at all is still important.<P>I'm not familiar with AOL, but there is bound to be someway to block this information or just leave it alone.<P>My H says the ultimate "Defeat" for the OW is to be forgotten and unimportant. She may never realize she has been forgotten, but she is too unimportant to our marriage for whether or not she knows she has been forgotten to matter. He says he doesn't even care enough anymore to care what she thinks anymore. TOUGH TOUGH TOUGH I know this is asking a lot of us betrayed women, but theoretically it makes sense.

The screen name thing is childish and I would be insulted. However, we can choose how we react.<P>I suggest changing your ISP. I've never been a fan of AOL and I understand you shouldn't have to jump through hoops because of someone else's childish games....but, peace of mind may be worth the sacrifice.

Hi swttmy,<P>My suggestion is GET RIDE OF AOL!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>I hate AOL. Tony used that ISP from hell to contact all of his stupid OW that he met in real life. Why because he could do a search for women in his area. Then stupid Tony would not get rid of it when I begged, yelled, pleaded. Over a year of trying to get rid of it and finally he did. I feel so much better. With ICQ, Mirc, and the like you can never find someone in your same region with out major looking. <P>If you get rid of AOL than you can also have zero contact with running into her. Just a thought. Plus you will get better service with a different IP Provider.

That OW sounds like a disgustingly, desperate, still in fantasy-land, big-time, pathetic LOSER!<P>I called Dr. Harley the other day and told him that I was pissed that the OW tried to get back into my H's life again (via e-mail) after a 9 month absence! Thankfully, after hell broke loose, my H wrote her the NO CONTACT Letter.<P>Has this OW tried to contact your H? If she has, then I would suggest that he write a NO CONTACT Letter. I'm sure that would embarrass her and hurt her feelings.<P>Dr. Harley also told me, "You can't control what the OW does. As long as your H ignores her...then you will be all right. Remember that the OW isn't part of your marital equation....only you & your H are."<P>

Thank you all for responding.<P>Medic,<BR>No she is not on my buddy list.But I do have friends that this has made very angry and they make comments to me.I do find myself occassionally checking her profile to see if she has changed it.At one time she was putting comments in her profile directed right at me.As long as I know she still has this name and profile I feeled almost compelled to check it periodically.Don't ask me why......By the way,wish you still had that progam,lol!!<P>Essyboo,<BR> My H and I have discussed asking her to quit with these childish actions.We decided that to ignore her would be the best approach.If she knew how bad this bothered me she would jsut get off on it.Not to mention we have tried asking her to leave us alone and it ends up making her make our life even more hell!!Sometimes I feel like she lives to make me miserable and hope I will leave H and maybe he will run to her.<P>NoTrust,<P>We did in fact just a month or so ago write a no contact letter.But I guess this AOL thing is not actually considered contact.We typed the letter up and we BOTH signed and had it notarized.We then sent it registered mail.I guess this is her little way of getting back at us without actually crossing the boundaries.You are so right in saying that we cannot control what the OW does.I used to have this problem of blaming my H for everything she did.I said if he hadn't of had the affair none of this would be happening.But,I then realized what he did was int he past and he cannot control what she is doing now.<P>But......to all of you I still have 1 question.We have been in recovery for 2 years now.Why is she still pulling her crap and trying to come between us?When will she get a life and leave us alone?Why would someone waste that much time in their life if my H wasn't giving her a reason to?Oops.....guess that was more than 1 question,lol.I have struggled with this since our reconciliation.I still am scared at times that he may still be seeing her.All of the things she has told me and that she has done has led me to still be very untrusting.I really wish she would concentrate on someone else and find someone she can have a meaningful relationship with.Of course H denies having anything to do with her.But because of the fact it's been so long and she is still trying to wedge her way between us scares the hell out of me!!Makes me thing either the relationship was a lot deeper or more meaningful than he has ever told me or that he is still in contact with her.<P>Thank you all for letting me vent.You all are great and this forum has helped me so much!!<P><P>------------------<BR>~~~~~Tammy~~~~~<P>If you love somehting set it free.If it comes back it is yours.If it doesn't it was never meant to be.

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For what it's worth, my opinion is that she's just a little slut who gets off on her sexual conquests. I looked her up on ICQ and her nickname leaves no doubt (for me, anyway) that this is true.<P>I think that it was a major blow to her ego when your H chose you. She's the one with a major problem. The only reason she's doing this is to get to you.<P>The best thing to do, IMO, is to totally ignore her and make sure that you and your H have a happy life together. Act like honeymooners and this will cook her goose. <P>Maybe one day, she'll grow up and realize that just screwing somebody doesn't equal true love. Feel sorry for her; she is just being used and is too stupid to know it.<BR>

I'm going to share with you one of the most humiliating things I have ever made myself do. I'm not necessarily recommending it because it is a desparate measure.<P>I have spoken quite a bit about Husband Collectors and a friend of mine that "used be one" before she was converted. <P>She told me that a Husband Collector's (HC) main objective is to affect a marriage. Ultimate victory is to cause a divorce. This doesn't apply to OW in general, just the pros.<P>If the HC can't be responsible for the divorce she will settle to feel responsible for the reconcilliationg. Either way, it helps to end the game for her.<P>In the beginning of our recovery I was a lot more desparate and therefore willing to do whatever I needed to do to get her out of the picture.<P>She called and hung up constantly when my H waw gone, They work together so she knew his schedule and she would calle within 10 minutes of him leaving the house that sort of thing. She put her son in my daughter's preschool. She would "Run Into Him" at work to "offer her good wishes and see if she can help".<P>Anyway, I finally wrote her a "Thank You" note telling her that "because of her I have the best man I could have" I am so glad he chose to remember his true feelings for me" that sort of thing. I let her take credit. I hated it, and of course I didn't believe it, but she has left us pretty much alone since.<P>I sometimes wonder if I should have done this because I get mad at myself over it, but it accomplished what I wanted.